


All That Remains...

by Morgana_avalon



Category: Thor (Movies)
Genre: F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-05
Updated: 2019-04-05
Packaged: 2020-01-05 06:33:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 148,803
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18360581
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Morgana_avalon/pseuds/Morgana_avalon
Summary: Set at the end of Thor (first movie). Loki lets go and falls to Earth. Brief relationship with an OMC, but eventually, Loki/Thor.





	1. Chapter 1

All That Remains…

I'm fading  
I'm barely breathing  
can’t hold on  
I'm dying  
I must be bleeding  
won’t be long

Now that you're gone  
All that remains  
Is the ghost of love  
Deep in my mind  
I hear the chains  
of the ghost of love

Prologue

It’s cold… I never felt the cold that keenly before. It’s not the snow and ice though that cause me to feel frozen on the inside. It’s something completely different. 

I feel strangely weak and wonder if my legs will carry me. I place my hands beneath me, feel the cold wet snow slide through my fingers, and push myself into a sitting position. It would be easy to do away with the snow – all it takes is a thought – nothing more than that, but I am loath to use my powers. I don’t deserve having them. 

Father told Thor he was unworthy of his powers and stripped him of his birthright. For some reason, Odin didn’t take away mine, maybe he couldn’t? The magic still burns deep within my soul and refuses to fade. So be it; I will never willingly use my powers again as they brought me nothing but misery. But no, I am wrong; I brought this damned fate upon myself.

I manage to get to my feet, but sway as I feel weak in the knees. It would be so easy – so damn easy - changing my misery into comfort, but I don’t even think about using my magic to improve my situation.

Raising my head, I look about in search of a familiar landmark. Am I still in Asgard? Or did I fall to Midgard – Earth? I didn’t end up in Jotenheim, I can tell that much, even in spite of the white blanket that covers the land. This feels and looks different. 

I place a hand against a tree and examine it. It’s an oak tree. Does that mean I ended up on Earth after all? Something mother once said returns to me and it makes me wonder. She said that everything father does, he does for a reason, but I don’t expect him to have put me here for a reason – however, I learned long ago to never underestimate Odin. 

Putting one foot in front of the other, I make my way across the silvery blanket and toward the slope that rises from beneath the snow. Do I still look upon Odin as my father? I know he’s not. I am the son of a Frost Giant called Laufey and I killed him. Did I murder my father or a stranger? I hardly knew Laufey. I know Odin though and I still love him. Do I still think of Thor as my brother? I told him that I wasn’t his brother, but then again, I didn’t mean it – in my heart I didn’t. 

I love Thor still. I love my family, and no matter how much I twist and turn matters, I still look upon Odin as my father, Frigga as my mother and Thor as my brother – even though he’s a pig-headed brother. 

I halt, look about, and spy a small cave to my right. Deciding to shelter there, I make my way over to it and carefully examine my surroundings. It’s dark inside, but I could create fire in an instant. A thought is all it takes. Slowly, I make my way inside and find the back of it. I sit down, rest my back against the cold earth and stones, and close my eyes. I am still alive, but I wish Odin had killed me.

…

What feels like hours later, I open my eyes again. It’s still rather dark, but toward the entrance of the cave shines a growing light. It must be the sun – finally rising. I bow my head and examine myself. I’m not injured – shaken and trembling yes, but that’s because of the mental shock I suffered. My body feels cold to the touch, but it functions, and that’s all I require from it at the moment. My heart is a different matter all together though. All sorts of emotions run through me and painful memories stab at my heart and make it bleed. 

I feel angry at Thor for coming back and robbing me of my victory; I had almost had him. He was dying and then Odin had brought him back. I should have known he would watch over Thor. But at the same time, I ache for Thor’s laugh; for his love; I will gladly take his hate instead. As long as he notices me and knows I am alive. All I ever wanted was for Thor to see me – to really see me. 

I rest my head against the hard stone of the mountain and draw in a deep breath. Thor always was the better half of my soul and I had to push him away – I had to end it before my pain would devour me. But I failed, and Thor is back in Asgard and at Odin’s side. The true successor has returned and pushed away the usurper. Thor has shown me my place, like he always did. Something wet drips down my cheek and I raise my hand in order to find out what it is. It’s a tear; I can’t be crying – not over him! Thor ruined my life! No, Loki… you did that yourself, I chide myself. I did it myself, I threw it all away and what for? 

I burst out into manic laughter and can’t stop myself. I proved them right; Sif and the others who always looked at me with contempt. They knew about the darkness hiding inside me. There’s no point in blaming the others; I did it myself.

Unexpectedly, a bird flies into the cave and settles down on a ridge in order to watch me. It’s a raven. His black feathers glitter and his intelligent eyes stare at me. He cocks his head, screeches, and paces impatiently upon that ledge. I never told anyone, but I am actually fond of ravens. Maybe it’s because they’re Odin’s familiars. I grew up with Huginn trying to climb onto my shoulder and Muninn attempting to make a nest in my hair. I like the critters. A moment of terror seizes me, wondering if it’s one of them, Odin’s spies, but no, this is an ordinary raven – not gifted with any magical power. “I’m sorry, my friend, but I don’t have any food for you.” I resist conjuring up treats for the raven. I don’t want to be the trickster anymore, because that’s all my magic is; an illusion. The fire I create might be real, but it’s an illusion after all. 

The raven cries out again and then takes off. On black wings it glides out of the cave and I am alone again like I have been all my life. What was Odin thinking, saving me from death that day? He should have let me die as a baby. Why did he take me with him? “Why?” I scream in anger and scream the word all over again. “Why? Why?” But all I get for an answer is the mountain’s silence. I allow myself to drift off into the stillness of my mind. Maybe I will find comfort that way, but I doubt it.

…

The next time I open my eyes and look about it’s completely dark. Night has set in and covers the snow in hushed darkness. Once more, I get to my feet and make my way over to the cave’s entrance. The mixture of brilliantly white snow beneath a suffocating darkness seems to mirror my state of mind and I stare at it in wonder. It’s quiet out there. It’s empty out there. Just like my mind, empty.

Suddenly the raven’s back and it lands on a snow-covered branch of a tree standing opposite the cave’s entrance. Again, its intelligent gaze fastens upon me and it cocks his head. He calls out again, as if it’s trying to tell me something, but I never mastered the language of the animals like Odin did. The bird continues to scream, but gets fed up when I don’t react and flies away again. My gaze follows the direction it moves away in, and suddenly, I shiver. From the deepest darkness of the night a light shines. A single light, but it’s bright and doesn’t waver. It’s tiny and I would have missed it if the raven hadn’t flown towards it. 

Temptation and curiosity creep into my mind, but no, I’m not going to find out about that light. I will stay here—in the dark, alone – because that’s the way it needs to be. Death and destruction follow in my footsteps and I don’t want to cause more harm – not anymore. Odin taught me a hard lesson, but it’s one I had to learn. 

All of sudden, the raven returns and tries to chase me out of the cave. He attacks my head, targets my eyes and lips, and although I attempt to chase him off, he’s resilient and returns. “Leave me in peace!” But the bird doesn’t listen; why should it anyway? His pestering causes me to stumble and he manages to drive me from my hideaway. “In Odin’s name, go away!” It would be easy to conjure up a blast of fire and roast him, but no, I’m not that kind of person anymore. At least, I don’t want to be that kind of person anymore.

The raven lands on a branch, calls out loudly, and gives me a curious look. Had we been in Asgard, I would think him enchanted, but we’re not and this is just an ordinary bird, although a thoroughly irritating one! “I’m not moving, so let me be!” I need to stop talking to it, but now that I forbade myself to use my magic, there’s little I can do in order to drive him away.   
Black wings unfold and he flies away again – toward that tiny light, and my peace is restored. I sit down again, pull my knees close to my chest, and wrap my arms around my limbs. 

Resting my head against the cold mountain side, I try my hardest not to look at that light, but my curiosity gets the better of me. I turn my head and search for the light; there it is… Unable to stop myself, my gaze focuses and my mind travels closer to the light. I thought it was a mere camp fire, but now that my mind is closing in on it, I find it’s a cabin, made of wood and covered with a thick layer of snow. Even from where I’m sitting, miles away from the cabin, I can easily cast my mind forth and find out what’s going on inside, but I stop myself just in time. That kind of behaviour caused my misery in the first place.

Brother, I miss you! Where are you? Are you still alive? Are you out there?

Thor’s thoughts take me aback and shocked, I listen to them echo in my mind. We always were close – especially as children and I have always been able to hear his thoughts, but I thought I had severed that connection when I fell into disgrace. At least, I had assumed that I had been successful in destroying it! Apparently, I failed –again! Thor, stop this! Don’t search for me. But I carefully shield those thoughts as I don’t want him to know I am still alive. I must be dead to him – and to the rest of my family.   
Thor’s plea unsettled me though and in order to distract myself, I focus on the light once more. I could cover that distance in a heartbeat. All it takes is a thought – nothing more.

Unable to resist temptation, I struggle to my feet and make my way deeper into the snow—towards the light, and I curse myself for my weakness – why can’t I resist and stay true to my resolution to live out my life in solitude? I’m growing tired and the fatigue makes it very clear to me that even a god has his limitations. I am a god, but a tired god, one who fell from grace and travelled the universe, only to end up here. Such a journey would tire even Odin himself.

I am close to the log cabin now, but I don’t approach it. I don’t want anyone to see me as I want to remain hidden. I don’t want anyone finding me; I don’t want to cause this person’s death – willingly or unwillingly. An upward look tells me that the raven’s still there. He settled down for now, but he’s keeping a beady eye on me, the critter. I still wonder why it wants me to come down here. Sneaking closer, I press my back against the wall of the cabin and then peek inside – damn that curiosity of mine!

The hastened look tells me that the fireplace is ablaze with flames. It must be perfectly warm inside, and for one moment, the desire to sit at the fireplace and soak up that heat overwhelms me. But no, I can’t do that. I can’t and won’t. Turning my attention to the interior again, I sense there’s someone inside. A mortal; a female to be precise. I stop myself from using my magic to find out more about her; I rein in my power. What master of magic am I when I can’t even control my powers? Sounds coming from the front of the cabin alarm me and I quickly shield myself, drawing upon my powers to clothe myself in invisibility. Too late, I realize what I did, that I called upon my powers after all, but I can’t undo the spell now, lest I want to be discovered. The door cracks, opens, and a voice drifts into the quiet night.

“Stupid bird, come inside and be quick.”

Ah, she’s addressing the raven and didn’t detect me. That’s good. I manage a glimpse at her and find her hair as black as the raven’s. Her skin is pale and her eyes green – the same shade of green I clothed myself in while living in Asgard. Looking down at my form, I find my clothes shred to pieces and the green blistered into black.

“Nuada, I’m not going to call again. If you want to stay out there, that’s fine with me!”

The raven comes alive and glides into the cabin. The girl closes the door and everything is quiet again. I sigh, relieved that she didn’t see me. As I am still shrouded in magic and invisible to her eyes, I step in front of the window and look inside – longer this time and trying to take in everything. My mother would call the interior cosy. A word that never mattered much to me as I never understood what she was trying to express by using it. But now I realize what cosy means – it means homely, warm and welcoming. The flames rising from the fireplace clothe the room with a warm glow. It adds a golden touch to the wooden furniture and it draws me in, but I steel my heart. I will only bring death and decay to the girl living here. 

I can’t stop myself though and continue to look inside. The girl moves toward a dinner table, sits down, and places a plate on it. The raven descends and lands close to it, selecting morsels from the offered food. While the bird feeds, the girl walks toward some shelves, and a moment later, music can be heard even outside. Hearing it comforts me, as it proves to me that I am not alone. Suddenly the raven lifts his head, stares at the window and then takes to flight. It settles down in front of the window pane and stabs at the glass with its beak, as if wanting to get closer to me. It’s distinctly odd that an animal, any animal, can detect my presence while I am using my magic.

“Nuada! Behave!” The girl sounds amused, but approaches anyway. “There’s nothing out there!” 

She walks over to the window as well and now I get another good look at her. Her hair reaches just below her shoulders and curls. She tried to tame it by forcing it into a headband, but failed. Her green eyes carry a light I never saw before, and even though I’m invisible, I feel watched; like she knows I’m out here. She gives the raven a stern look and it grows quiet. It spreads its wings and flies up to her shoulders, where it settles down. 

“Nuada, I still have work to do, so if you would be as kind to make yourself comfortable somewhere else, I would be much obliged!”

She’s talking to the bird like I did earlier and it brings a smile to my face. Apparently I am not the only one who talks to birds. She lifts the raven from her shoulder and puts it on a branch which hangs suspended from the ceiling. Then she settles down behind her desk and switches on her laptop. These mortals believe themselves wise and evolved, but in truth, their technology is nothing but child’s play compared to Asgardian expertise. I cock my head and fight the urge to plant a virus into her laptop. But no, that’s something Loki the trickster would do. I’m still Loki, but no longer the trickster, and thus I don’t act upon my impulse.

A gurgling croak sounds from nearby and then the raven taps against the glass of the window. I could swear that bird is calling me. He sounds like Huginn did, when I was on the brink of getting myself into trouble. It’s time to leave, as I don’t want to tempt fate – I did that too often lately. Using my magic after all, I turn myself into moonlight and slide back to the safety of the cave. I have always been able to shape shift. I seldom use this ability, only when the situation calls for it. Creating doppelgangers proved more useful in the past. I saved my life that way more than once. But to actually take someone else’s form or to change into a tree or plant is something I never felt comfortable with.

…

Back at the cave, I sit down and ponder everything that happened lately –it’s too much to take in. Maybe that’s why I feel so tired, so hungry—so empty. In my mind’s eye I envision using my magic in order to change the cave into my former home. I could easily do it. I could live in luxury, but it would be trickery – it wouldn’t be real. I could conjure up an image of Thor, but it wouldn’t be real. Which raises an interesting question – could I actually manifest Thor himself? The real Thor? That would be testing my abilities and their limits, but I am not going to try – I am not! I would find comfort in his presence though. I smile, feeling a little sad. Trust him to reach out to me with his mind, still trying to connect after everything I did to him. 

In those final moments of our fight, he didn’t want me to let go. He wanted to save me. He did grow weak, my oaf of a brother. These thoughts comfort me and help me find some sleep at last.

…

For hours I have stared into the darkness of the cave and now I’m growing anxious. No matter how much I want to believe that I will succeed in living here as a hermit, I know I am deluding myself. I can’t escape myself; I hate being alone. I can tell myself over and over again that I need to be on my own, but it won’t work. Maybe it will help if I seek out the mortal again. Maybe it will help knowing she’s out there and that I’m not alone after all.

I want to get to my feet, but my body refuses to obey. I feel frozen—maybe the cold got to me after all. On the inside, I laugh bitterly. A Frost Giant like me – frozen. Although, I am not much of a giant. What did Odin say? Small even for the child of a frost giant. I summon my will power and some of my magic and manage to rise from the icy ground. Looking at my hands, I find they turned blue – revealing my true inheritance. I focus my thoughts and the blue-coloured skin vanishes, gives way for a more normal skin colour. Supporting myself by placing a hand against the wall of the cave, I take my time walking over to the entrance. I concentrate and send my mind forward, searching for that tiny beacon of hope that will hopefully provide me with some light in this eternal darkness. Yes, there it is. I found the cabin and its warm light calls to me. It magically draws me in and I find myself walking toward it. I am tired though – so incredibly tired and walking exhausts me further. In the end, I resort to using my magic and catapult myself toward the cabin, cloaking myself in shards of silver moonlight that illuminates tonight’s midnight sky.

Seconds later, I find myself in front of the window and I greedily look inside. The fireplace fills the cabin with warmth and the girl’s at the desk – at the same place where I left her yesterday. But where’s the raven? Exactly at that moment, the beast calls out from above. It hid in the snow-covered branches of the tree above me. Maybe I should haven’t wondered where it was. The door opens and the girl appears, wrapped up in a fleece blanket. Her presence takes me by surprise and my concentration slips. Something like that would never have happened in the past—I would never have allowed anyone to catch me off guard. My disguise slips and the expression in her eyes tells me she sees me. 

“Nuada…” She calls out to the raven, who promptly croaks a response. 

The bird takes to the air and flies into the cabin. Traitor – now that he’s gotten me into trouble he deserts me – that damn beast! The girl still looks at me, but she doesn’t appear shocked or frightened, which surprises me, considering the way I look. “I am sorry,” I whisper softly. “I don’t mean you any harm. I’m merely lost and will leave now.” Without realizing it, I spoke the truth. I feel lost in so many ways! I turn around in order to leave, but then her voice reaches me. She whispers as well, mimicking my tone.

“You look bad. Staying in the cold will only worsen it.”

I waver; what am I supposed to do? “I’ll survive,” I reply. I always do – life is about surviving, isn’t it?

“Please come inside. I won’t feel comfortable knowing you’ll freeze to death out there. They’re saying it will grow extremely cold tonight. Maybe even fifty degrees below zero.” 

I study her eyes and am surprised, realizing she’s serious. “Are you sure you want me to stay? I can be a criminal or a murderer.” I need to change her mind as I can’t bear the way she looks at me. I’ve seen that expression before; Thor often looked at me like that in the past. It’s pity.

“You’re no murderer. Your eyes tell me so.” She steps aside and cocks her head, signalling for me to get moving. “Don’t just stand there; we’re letting the cold slip inside.”

I still hesitate. “I shouldn’t.” I’ve never felt at odds with myself in such a way before. I want to accept her invitation and sit by the fire and soak up her presence, even though she’s nothing but a mere mortal. But at the same time, I’m scared of doing so – scared of bringing doom to her doorstep. Suddenly she moves forward and grabs my elbow, surprising me again. 

“Let me make up your mind for you,” she says with a grin on her lips. “Get inside and in front of the fireplace!”

Unexpectedly I find myself standing in her living room. The cabin isn’t big and consists of a small kitchenette, living room, and sleeping corner. That’s it. I remain undecided and simply stand there. The raven croaks and by doing so, draws me from my stupor.

“Start walking,” she says and pushes me toward the fireplace. “Fuck, you’re frozen.” 

She sounds alarmed, although I don’t know why. “It’s nothing. I’m fine.” But I’m not and I have the feeling she knows it. I let her pull me toward the chair which stands in front of the fireplace and I sit down. Instinctively, I raise my arms and reach for the fire. The flames want to jump onto my skin, as if greeting an old friend, but I tell them no. 

“Stay here and get warm,” she says and drops her fleece blanket onto me. She tucks me in and gives me a smile that makes me wonder about her. Thor fell in love with a mortal… Why? 

“You’ll stay here and I’ll heat some soup for you. Don’t think about leaving! You hear me?”

She reminds me of Odin in a way. I never dared to cross him either when I was a child, and for some reason I feel like a boy again. “I won’t move.”

“Good!” she exclaims and smiles again. “I’ll be right back.”

I watch her as she rushes over to the kitchenette where she puts soup onto the stove. My life has taken a turn again – another unexpected one.

… 

I open my eyes with a start, never having realized that I fell asleep in the first place. That silly fleece blanket still covers me and I want to throw it off, but then again, it keeps me warm and I like feeling that way. I had almost forgotten what being warm felt like.

“Ah, you’re awake again! Was about time!”

The girl’s voice throws me off for a second, but then I remember what happened; she pulled me inside and practically forced me to sit down – well, no one can actually force me to sit down, but I’m too tired to argue with myself and shut up.

“Here’s the soup I promised you.”

She puts the bowl onto a small coffee table and pulls up a chair to seat herself. She cocks her head and her hair falls in front of her face like a curtain. Instantly she wipes it back and re-establishes eye-contact. “Here, you must be hungry.” She picks up the bowl again and offers it to me. “Do you want a spoon to go with it or do you want to sip it?”

In another lifetime I would have laughed at her question, but no more. I feel humbled that she cares about my well-being. I free my hands from the blanket, raise my arms, and wrap my fingers around the warm bowl. Blessed warmth, how I welcome thee! I sip the soup and nothing ever tasted better! “It’s good,” I say, hoping she knows I’m grateful.

“You’re welcome,” she replies with a smile on her face. “Glad I could help. At least now I know why Nuada acted that strangely. How long have you been out there?” 

I consider her question and am not sure about the answer. “A few days?”

“In that case you’re lucky that you didn’t freeze to death!” She sits back and watches me closely. “You look like you could use a hot shower and spare clothes. I’m not sure I have something that will fit you. Maybe my sweats will do.” 

Before I resort to wearing her sweats I will conjure up spare clothing! “A hot shower sounds wonderful.” It’s the truth – it never sounded that good before!

“Eat that soup first and then you can take your shower.” 

She continues to study me and I have the strange feeling that she sees more than I want her to see.

“I’m Fay,“ she whispers eventually. 

It would be impolite not to reply, but I loath to tell her my name. But then again, I am who I am. “My name is Loki.” I doubt she knows anything about the legends of old. Hardly any mortal does these days, as it’s the age of the internet and technology. I’m surprised to see her grin and give me a wink.

“So the trickster has come to my home. I’ll be careful around you.”

I try to hide my surprise, but I guess it shows anyway. “You’re familiar with the gods of Asgard?”

“I read a lot when I was a child. Lots of fairy tales and mythology, so yes, I’m familiar with those legends. Your parents must have a wicked sense of humour to name you after the god of mischief.” 

It’s not what she says; it’s the way she says it that makes me smile. “Maybe.” It’s amazing, but my mood lifts and I feel alive again. The raven croaks, drawing my attention to him. “You have a strange pet.” I want to steer our conversation away from my name and deem the raven a safe subject. Sipping my soup, I hope she takes the bait. She nods and looks at the raven as well. She signals for him to quiet down and the bird obeys – amazingly. 

“I found him at the beginning of winter. It had just started to snow and his calls made me curious so I went to see what had happened. He was injured and couldn’t fly. His left wing was all messed up. Maybe one of the bigger birds grabbed him. I took him back with me and nursed him until his wing had healed. Now he refuses to leave. Maybe it’s because it’s winter.”

I listen to her voice and let it carry me to warmer thoughts. It’s nice to have company. “And you named him.”

“Yeah, I did. As I told you before, I like mythology and named him after Nuada Airgetlám, king of the Tuatha Dé. Though only nerds like me know something like that. If you asked anyone else about the name they would tell you that he’s a character from a Hellboy movie.”

The way she explains it makes me chuckles softly. Maybe allowing her to drag me inside wasn’t a mistake after all. 

“Did you finish that soup yet? If you want more, you can get it. I have lots.”

I hand her the bowl and nod. “I would be grateful.” She takes hold of it and fills it up in the kitchenette. She hands it back to me and I cherish the new wave of warmth travelling up my fingers. “What are you doing here? The cabin seems quite isolated to me.” I don’t know why I asked that particular question, expect maybe for the fact that I want to keep the conversation going.

“I’m a book author. I write thrillers and I come up here when I need to write. There are no distractions up here, and sometimes, when I’m lucky, I finish a book in three months. And it’s not that deserted. It’s a holiday park, except the cabins are a bit further apart than you’d normally expect. There’s a supermarket and coffee house down the road, which you can’t see right now because of the snow.”

I don’t know why, but I like her. Memories of Thor creep into my mind and I hear him chiding me, telling me I’m growing soft already. I wonder what’s up with these women from Midgard. “I didn’t know that.” Which puts me to shame; I should have known it was a holiday park. If only I had reached out further with my mind!

“No one knows everything! Not even Odin,” she says and winks at me. “I do like your name, Loki.”

I don’t! I hate it, but it’s the one Odin gave me, so I have to make my peace with it. 

“You look better,” she says and seems relieved. “You got a bit of colour back! You were so pale when I found you!” 

Her warmth drove away the cold in my heart – that’s what caused the change. And I am not talking about the hot soup or the fireplace – it’s her presence; the fact that I have company. 

“If you feel up to it, you can take that shower now. I promise I won’t peek.” 

Again, she winks at me and her manner amazes me. I never before met a woman, mortal or immortal, who dared to flirt with me. She points at the shower in the corner of the cabin. “I will take you up on that offer.”

“Good! And I’ll search the closet. Maybe you’ll get lucky and one of the prior male guests left clothes in there.”

Using my magic, I ensure she’ll find clothes that fit me as I don’t want to end up walking about in her sweats!

…

In my long life I have taken many things for granted, one of them being a simple thing like taking a shower. I’ll never take it for granted again! After drying my skin, I take hold of my new clothes and slip into them. Fay was very pleased with herself when she brought me my new outfit, praising whatever person who had left it in the closet. She couldn’t help adding though that she was puzzled that she hadn’t seen the clothes before. The black slacks, green shirt, and black sweater fit perfectly and I start to feel more like me. From his hiding place, Nuada croaks and I send him a curious look. I do wonder about that bird, but I’m fairly sure that it’s not one of Odin’s spies. Why would he spy on me anyway? I’m sure Odin’s doing his best to forget I exist!

“Sun light’s rare around here,” Fay says unexpectedly as she looks up from her laptop. “We have two hours of light before the night sets in again. If you want to go outdoors and get some fresh air, we had better go now.” 

I shouldn’t have been surprised to find out I had landed in Scandinavia, Finland to be exact, and rather close to the polar circle of course. What other place would a pagan Norse god end up at? 

“What do you think, Loki? Shall we venture outside?” 

Her repeated questioning makes it clear that she demands an answer. “We can go outside.” I merely have to conjure up a parka so she won’t wonder why I don’t freeze to death. 

“Great!” She gets to her feet, opens the closet, and stares at the green parka. “I’ve never seen that one before – how odd.” She then fixes me with her gaze and I pointedly stare at the ceiling. “Ah, well it doesn’t matter!” She grabs the parka and throws it at me. I catch it and slip into it.

She slips into her own cloak and boots and signals for Nuada to join us. The raven reacts at once and settles down on her shoulder. Seeing it sit there brings back memories of Odin’s ravens and of them fighting over who got to sit on my shoulder. It would vex Thor that the ravens didn’t favour him. They tolerated him, but that was about it. They never answered when Thor called their names while I merely had to look at them and they would come to me. Luckily for me, their fondness of me amused Odin and he didn’t call them back to his side. 

Fay opens the door and a gust of cold wind invades the warm cabin. “Quickly now,” she says and gestures for me to follow her. 

Once we’re outside, I fall into step with her and watch Nuada take to the sky, struggling against the icy wind. I should feel at home here – as a Frost Giant – but I don’t. I never liked the cold much. 

“If you go that way you’ll come upon a supermarket and coffee house. If you look over there, you’ll see another cabin.” Following the direction she’s pointing in, I make out the building in the distance. “Tomorrow, I need to get new supplies, so if you’re still around you get to carry them. I checked the weather forecast and they’re predicting another snow storm so it would be smart if you stayed the night.”

She’s inquiring about my plans and I find it hard to answer her as I haven’t given the future much thought. “Maybe I’ll do just that – stay the night and help you get your supplies tomorrow.” That’s as far ahead as I’m willing to think ahead. 

//

When we return to the cabin, it’s dark again. It’s only afternoon, but the land is shrouded in darkness. The first thing Fay does is to switch on the lights and then she lights some candles as well. I take it upon myself to feed wood to the fire and make it grow strong again. She gives me a grateful look and I’m surprised to realize that her appreciation adds to my sense of satisfaction. In the past, I used my magic constantly. One could argue that I was addicted to it; to the rush of power that it supplied me with. But then again, in Asgard, using magic is normal. They would think it odd if I hadn’t. The strange thing however is that I feel more at peace right now than I ever did before. Not even as a child did I feel such a sense of tranquillity. Although I still regret causing such problems in the past, I’m grateful for the good it did me. 

“You have a thoughtful expression in your eyes,” Fay says as she hands me a cup of tea. 

I sit down close to the fire and nod. “I feel at peace, and it’s the first time in my life that I ever felt like this. I didn’t think I could.”

Fay sits down opposite me and blows onto the surface of the tea to help it cool down. “Your life must have been hectic.”

“Hectic…” I laugh, but with a bitter edge to it. “I wouldn’t call it hectic.” I seek out her gaze and wonder about myself. Am I actually considering confiding in her? A mortal woman whom I met only yesterday? In the old days, I would have despised her and deemed her unworthy of my attention. Unworthy…Unworthy…

“Hey, don’t. What happened just now? Your expression went from happy to tormented. That’s the only way to describe it.”

She’s rather perceptive, more than I want her to be. “Certain things which happened recently upset me. My life changed because of them and I feel lost,” I admit in a moment of brutal honesty. I didn’t know I had it in me to open up to anyone, let alone a stranger.

She nods empathically and sips her cooled tea. “Life is like that. One moment you think you have everything figured out and then something happens that throws you off balance.”

“That’s it. I thought everything was going to work out the way I had planned.” But then Thor returned… I close my eyes and let my mind wander back to the moment when Laufey was going to kill Odin. I never made up my mind if I was going to let him do it. Odin had been my father for a long time and I still look upon him as my father. Would I have allowed Laufey to kill Odin? If Thor hadn’t returned, would I have still stopped Laufey from murdering Odin? Or would I have allowed it? My mind reels and a moan escapes my lips. 

“I don’t know if it offers you any consolation,” Fay suddenly says, “but the past is just that. You can’t go back and change it. You can only shape the present and hope for the best.” 

She’s right; I can’t go back and change things. Even I can’t manipulate time – and neither can Odin. “But the things I did! I caused so much pain and sorrow.” I find the courage to look at her and am surprised to see compassion in her eyes. I’m a mere stranger and yet she cares. 

“Loki…” She moves her chair closer to mine and smiles at me in a warm way. “No matter what you did in the past, you can’t change it. But maybe you can make amends?”

Isn’t that what I’m doing right now? By burying myself here and by stopping to meddle in everyone’s affairs? The trickster is no longer tricking people or gods. “I can never make amends,” I whisper and look at her in a pleading way. “I fully intended to kill my father and my brother.”

She raises an eyebrow and sits back in her chair, giving me another probing look. “But you didn’t.”

I nod. “I failed – thankfully, but at the time I wanted them dead.”

“Why? Why would you want to kill your family? What happened?”

“It’s a long story,” I say, trying to lure her away from my sordid family history.

“I have lots of time. I’m not going anywhere and neither are you, unless you’re suicidal and want to die in that damn blizzard.” 

Her words make me look out of the window, and even I, who ventured into the cold world of Jotenheim, shiver at the sight of the blizzard unfolding outside. “The people of old would say that Odin and Thor are causing that storm.”

“Yes, they would.” 

She falls quiet and her silence causes me to look at her. I never saw such a thoughtful look in anyone’s eyes before. It’s almost like she can look into my very soul—if I posses one, that is. Does evil posses a soul? Isn’t evil soulless?

“Tell me your story, Loki. I believe it’ll do you good. Maybe the burden will be easier to carry after you shared your thoughts with me.”

Her offer is tempting and it might help me make up my mind regarding the next step I should take. But telling her means being honest and I’m afraid the trickster will appear again, twisting and turning everything into his advantage. “Where do I start? The question leaves my lips without me realizing it.

“At the end? At the beginning? Somewhere in the middle?” Fays smiles.

She’s trying to make me feel at ease and I appreciate it. “At the beginning then.” Maybe everything will make sense after explaining it to her. Maybe I’ll be able to put everything in the right perspective. “One could argue that I hail from a fairly happy family. My parents did their best to make me feel loved and raised me the way they thought was right. My father was strict, but always tried to be fair.”

“But he didn’t succeed?” she asks while sipping her drink.

I shrug. “I don’t know who carries the brunt of the blame. I tried to be an obedient child. I wanted my father to feel proud of me. But I always felt lacking, especially when my older brother was around. I always felt like father loved him best and that no matter how hard I tried, I would never measure up.” 

I notice her questioning look and decide to trick her just a little, as I don’t want her to think me totally mad. I can’t call my brother by his real name. “My older brother was destined to step in our father’s footsteps and he made sure I knew my place. Donald,” and yes, I will borrow that name, “made it very clear that I was second best. He always reminded me of my place and it hurt. When we were still children everyone treated us fairly equal, but once it was clear that he would succeed my father, they didn’t respect me anymore. The expression in their eyes told me everything I needed to know.” Telling her and unburdening my soul makes me feel light-headed and I realize that I’ve made the right decision to tell her. 

“It’s called sibling rivalry, you know, and it happens all the time. Not just between brothers, but sisters too. I have two younger sisters and at times, it’s hard to maintain the peace,” Fay says and nods. 

“Sibling rivalry,” I repeat after her. “But I doubt it made you want to kill your sisters or parents.” I’m still not sure; I still haven’t figured out if I would have let Laufey kill Odin. 

“That might be taking it one step too far,” she replies and gives me another nod. “What happened?”

“My brother left. I wanted him out of the way and I succeeded in convincing our father to send Donald away. I hoped his absence would give me a chance to truly win our father’s love.”

Again, she nods. “Don’t worry, you still make sense. Go on.”

I’ve reached the part which is hardest to tell – and for me to confront. “While he was gone, I found out that my father adopted me. I’m not his flesh and blood – not his real son.”

“That must have been a shock.” 

Her expression is full of compassion and seeing it makes me lower my gaze. I’m not particularly proud of the things I did in the past. “When I confronted my father he suffered a breakdown.” Yes, I can call it that – it’s fairly accurate. “He lost consciousness and had to rest most of the time.” 

“And you never had the chance to talk everything through with him?” She puts down her empty cup, sits back, and studies me. “You left before you could talk to him?”

I nod. “We exchanged a few words before I left, but…” I close my eyes and remember the expression in Odin’s eye when I told him why I had done it. “I left without discussing the matter.”

“Hold on. You said you tried to kill your father. Him suffering a breakdown is not murder.”

“You don’t understand…” Now comes the part that truly confuses me. “I hired a killer, he was meant to kill my father. But before he could strike the blow, I took him out.”

“You reconsidered and didn’t want your father to die!” she exclaims.

“If only it were that simple.” I draw in a deep breath and try to calm down. There’s a storm growing inside me and I am not sure I can control it. “By that time, my brother had returned and I knew he would make me pay if he ever found that I had caused our father’s death. So I quickly turned on the killer instead, ensuring my survival.” The look she gives me makes my skin crawl and that doesn’t happen often. 

“Or was your brother’s return merely an excuse so you could stop the murder?”

“I don’t know, I don’t know the answer myself.”

“Tell me, Loki,” she says and moves her chair closer to me. “Do you love your father?”

“Which one?” I stall, trying my hardest not having to answer that question. “The man who adopted me or my real father? The one that sired me? Because that’s the one I killed in order to save the man who lied to me all my life!”

“You’re angry,” she nods again and in a strangely intimate gesture, she puts her hand atop of mine. “I understand your anger. You were lied to your entire life, but try to look past that anger. Do you love the man that raised you? Do you love your mother? Loki, look into your heart and don’t be afraid of what you might find.”

That’s easier said than done and I remove my hand from her hold. “I don’t know.”

“Oh, but you do! Stop running away and face the truth. Loki, what made you stop the murder? Why did you defend him eventually? You know the answer.”

I lower my gaze, focus my mind, and realize she’s right. It’s not the answer I had hoped for though. “This will complicate matters further.”

“Loki, life’s complicated! Get used to it and now tell me.”

“I love him. I love my father still and my mother, she meant well. My father, well, he’s complicated.” I don’t know if I can truly be mad with Odin for taking me with him when I was still a baby. He wanted to establish peace through me, and never treated me less because of it. Odin tried to be fair – he didn’t always succeed, but he tried hard.

“Now that you know why you couldn’t let the murder take place, tell me, did you really kill your birth father?”

“I might have.” I used Gungnir’s powers to take out Laufey, but I don’t know if the spear took his life.

“So, you are not sure about that either?” she sighs and shakes her head at my actions. “You do like to complicate matters!”

I do, but at least my life became less complicated in one aspect. I found out that I look upon Odin as my father and that I love him still. I wouldn’t have let Laufey end Odin’s life – I know that now. I would have stopped him, regardless if Thor had returned or not. Such an unexpected revelation! Fay smiles at me, probably realizing my confusion and gives me a cup of Earl Grey with lemon. She probably hopes it will settle my nerves.

“So, what happened that made you leave instead of talking everything through with your family?”

“Everything reached a climax with my brother’s return.” I stare into the swirling, grey liquid and recall Thor’s expression when he last looked at me. “Even after hearing about the evil things I had done, he reached out to me. We fought… I wanted to prove to him that I’m his equal – that I no longer had to stand in his shadow, but that backfired. I lost the fight and decided to walk away – to run away rather than face them.”

Fay shifts on the chair, raises her head, and narrows her eyes in thought. “Let me get this straight; your family wanted to make things work, but you rather ran away?”

“If you put it like that. Maybe…” I don’t think that’s the whole truth, but it comes close. “I couldn’t bear seeing the pity in my brother’s eyes. I had disappointed my father, tried to kill my brother and… Well, I made a mess.” 

“Everyone does – now and then.” 

She reaches out again and rests her hand on my arm. Being touched like that feels odd. Odin and Frigga held me when I was a child and Thor would hug me, but those expressions of affection stopped when I grew older. Yes, being touched feels decisively odd.

“Loki, there’s a saying and maybe you have heard it: Throughout life, the two most futile emotions are guilt for what has been done and worry about what might be done. You’re caught in the middle of those two emotions.”

She’s right – of course she is, but I’m not ready to admit that or to let go of my pain. At the moment, my pain is all I have got left – the sole link with my family and Asgard. If I let go, then what do I have left?

“Does your family know you are here?”

I shake my head. “No. they don’t. I don’t want them to know.”

“And why is that?”

Damn, why must she ask me another confusing question I don’t know the answer to? “It’s better this way,” I reply eventually. “This way I can’t cause problems.” 

“I don’t think that’s the real reason why you’re hiding here.”

Why must she be so damn perceptive? Why couldn’t I have happened upon a nice drunk who would have left me in peace? “That’s the only answer I can give you.” I wonder if she’s going to press me for a better one. Maybe I should scare her off. Use a little magic to keep her at a distance. No, I need to keep the trickster at bay!

“Loki, you can always ask for forgiveness and make amends,” she suggests.

Her advice angers me though and I glare at her. “I didn’t lie to my son! I didn’t humiliate my brother!”

“No, you merely tried to kill them.”

Her calm reply surprises me, and for one moment, I consider letting more of my anger show – I intimidated both mortals and lesser gods that way in the past!

“Loki, you carry part of the blame, like they do. It’s not just them or just you. It’s cause and effect. Maybe you would have grown up differently if you had known the truth, but maybe things would have ended up even worse. You look upon the man who adopted you as your father, and your brother, you love him still. That’s what matters – nothing else.”

She’s right again, although I hate having to admit that. “What do I do then?”

“That’s something you need to figure out yourself. I can offer you my advice, but you need to make your own decision.”

Feeling curious, I look her in the eyes and ask, “What would you advice then?”

“Your family loves you still. Everyone made mistakes, I would opt for showing my good will. I would reach out to them.” 

“I can’t.” I simply can’t.

“Loki, you said you saw pity in your brother’s eyes. Are you sure of that? Might it have not been remorse? Regrets? Brotherly love?”

I didn’t read my brother’s mind at the time, and I would never attempt to probe Odin’s. I can’t be sure, but how could it have been anything else besides pity and disappointment?

“Don’t ask me why, but I think you need to hear this – you’re a valuable person and you deserve to be loved, regardless of your past actions. You must think about others in the same way – your family is precious to you and it’s okay for you to love them, even if they have hurt you – angered you.”

Rationally, I understand what she’s trying to tell me, but emotionally I can’t take that step yet. I still feel too hurt – too angry.

“It’ll take time,” she adds and nods as if to confirm her observation. “But you’ve got all the time you need. As long as you don’t give up, there’s hope.”

I’m not so sure of that, but I keep quiet. Maybe she’s right – maybe she’s not!

//

That night, Fay turns in early; proclaiming she needs some much needed sleep. She excuses herself and heads for the bed standing in the corner of the cabin, which is really tiny. She offered me the couch, which is comfortable enough and I stretch out on it. She left me the fleece blanket, and although I don’t need it, I wrap myself up in it. I stare at the flames dancing in the fireplace and listen to Nuada croaking softly in his sleep – for some reason the sound soothes me. A quick look tells me that Fay’s eyes are closed; she’s probably asleep. I could make sure by searching her mind, but I won’t trespass. Our conversation leaves me with more questions than I originally started with. Does my family believe I’m dead? When I fell from grace – literally and figuratively – I shielded myself from them. Odin knows much, but does he know I am still alive? What about Heimdall then? It’s common belief that Heimdall knows and sees everything, but I managed to hide myself from his eyes before. Assuming he knows I am alive, would he tell Odin? Or would he rather let me stay lost in oblivion? 

I shouldn’t be doing this, but the sudden need to sense Thor’s thoughts overwhelms me and I reach out to him. The instant response takes me by surprise. His mind is wide open and he actually seems to welcome me, which is odd, as he can’t know it’s me probing his mind. A deep sense of loss and bereavement moves through me and I know he mourns losing me. Quickly, I pull back as I don’t want to be discovered. It’s beyond me how he can mourn losing me. I did my best to end his life! And yes, he seems to be searching for me.

I move deeper into the fabric of my blanket and stare at the fire, which is still burning strongly. My mind travels back in time and shows me scenes of my childhood; shows me how Thor and I used to play hide and seek and how I tricked him by showing him my mirror images. He would always get mad and chase my doppelgangers through the halls of Asgard. Another memory appears, reminding me of how much I liked to sit on my father’s lap when he was telling stories. Thor would stretch out on his back and close his eyes while listening to Odin’s voice. I, on the other hand, couldn’t stop staring at my father. Back then, he was my hero. That was, before everything started to fall apart. My mind continues to drift and I find myself in bed, mother kissing my brow and telling me to rest. She would sing softly and lure Thor and me into sleep that way. Those are fond memories; those things happened to a different Loki – not me.

“Can’t you sleep?”

Fay’s voice surprises me and I look at her. She pushed herself into a sitting position, resting her back against the wall. She pulled up the comforter to her chin and looks at me from beneath her black curls. 

“I have a lot to think about.”

“Remind me to show you some games on my laptop. They will distract you.”

“Games…” I used to excel at all kind of games. “In that case, prepare to lose.”

“We’ll see about that,” she says and winks at me. “So tell me, does that mean you decided to stay? You weren’t certain when I asked you earlier.”

I could stall and obfuscate, but I would be merely deluding myself as I made my decision all right. “I’ll stay, if you’ll have me.”

“Good! In that case you can make yourself useful and get new firewood in the morning. And carry our groceries! I’ll find a lot of chores for you!”

I know she will – and the truth is, I don’t mind.

//

“I hope you’re hungry!” Fay deposits some scrambled egg on my toast and looks at me expectantly. “And don’t you dare complain about my cooking!”

“I won’t,” I whisper in an amused voice and start eating.

“We’re lucky the storm died early this morning,” she remarks and sits down, hands wrapped around a cup of coffee. She offered me some as well, but I opted for tea. “Thankfully the supermarket isn’t that far away, but it will be a struggle to get there anyway!” She pulls up her feet, puts them on the chair, and wraps an arm around her knees. “Did you get any sleep last night?”

“Not much, but I don’t mind. As I said, I have a lot of thinking to do.”

“And did you come up with any answers?”

“I’m not sure.” After searching my memories, I realized that my childhood had been fairly happy. The rivalry hadn’t started until we had reached majority and even then Thor would always cover for me when I had done something wicked. Thor has good and bad character traits – like me. Fay gives me an approving look, although I didn’t tell her much. At times, I really believe she can read my mind, but that’s impossible – no one can. My defences are too strong – I built them well. Nuada’s awake as well and paces the side of the table, waiting for Fay to throw him some morsels of bread – his breakfast. 

“In that case you need to think some more – it’s a good thing time is on your side,” she says and sips again from her coffee.

She’s right: I’m immortal. I have all the time in the world.

//

I struggle through the snow like she does. No magical ways of transportation for me this time around, and in a strange way it’s fulfilling to feel the snow beneath my boots. 

“Can you keep up?” she says and looks at me from over her shoulder. Her face is red from exhaustion, but she’s smiling and her eyes possess a mad shine. She’s enjoying this. 

“Don’t worry about me. I’m good.” In the past, I never accepted anyone’s leadership over me. I might have tolerated Thor’s, but that doesn’t mean I agreed with it. This is different though and I wonder if Thor went through the same change when Odin banished him to Midgard. Thor changed during his stay here and in his case a woman had also been involved.

“That’s it! We’ve made it!” 

She points out the supermarket and we head toward it. Nuada, who accompanied us, seeks out the safety of a tree and settles down. I follow Fay into the supermarket and look about. It’s small and offers only a limited amount of goods. Fay doesn’t waste any time and starts filling up her shopping basket.

“If you see something you want, just throw it in,” she says while pointing at her shopping basket. 

Food never meant much to me. I eat in order to sustain my energy, not like Volstagg, who eats for the mere pleasure of it. I browse the small shop, but see nothing that interests me. Fay pays for the groceries and hands me two plastic bags. One, she keeps herself.

“Your chore!” she says and waits for me to take hold of the bags.

I roll my eyes, unable to stop myself, and take hold of them; the groceries hardly weigh a thing. 

“I bought extra, since I have got another mouth to feed,” she says and chuckles at me. “Would you like to go for coffee before we head back?”

I’m not particularly fond of the drink, unlike Thor, who took a liking to it during his stay on Earth.

“They also have tea,” Fay adds and carefully elbows me in the side. “Even Earl Grey.”

Well, since I’m particularly fond of that drink I allow her to convince me. “I’ll join you then.” She laughs and leads me into the small coffee house next to the supermarket. We settle down, put the groceries on the floor, and Fay orders coffee and tea. 

“Do you want something to go with it? They have great muffins here!”

Muffins! I’m actually sitting here -- somewhere in Finland, close to the polar circle, and am being invited to tea and muffins. Can life get any stranger? “No muffins, thank you.”

“You don’t know what you’re missing out on!” Fay goes ahead and adds a blueberry muffin to her order. 

It doesn’t take long for our order to arrive and while I blow onto the surface of my tea to make it cool down, Fay sinks her teeth into the muffin, which looks revoltingly sweet. What a strange turn my life has taken. Only a few days ago I was plotting Thor’s death and trying to execute it, and now I’m having tea with a mortal. It makes me wonder what Odin would say upon seeing me sit here.

“You’re not here with me,” she says and taps against her temple. “You’re drifting off again.”

Maybe I should stop being surprised at her ability to read me so accurately. “You’re correct. I wondered what my father would say if he saw me sit here.”

“What’s odd about this setting?”

Now that question is hard and easy to answer at the same time. “It’s odd that I would sit here with a stranger having tea.”

“Hey, I’m hardly a stranger anymore. You know me by now. So what’s the real odd thing about this?”

She is pushy, but I already realized that and it doesn’t put me off. Actually, it’s refreshing. “It’s odd that I would have tea with someone at any rate. It’s something I would never do. Life here greatly differs from life in Asgard, but that’s something I can hardly explain to her.

“I’ll accept that explanation,” she says. “Though I doubt it’s the whole truth!”

Of course it’s not the entire truth, but then again, I can hardly tell her that I’m the real Loki.

//

I freeze when something cold impacts against my neck. The snow slides down my skin and tries to find a way into my clothes. I turn my head and look over my shoulder, but more snow finds its mark, along with cheerful laughter. She actually dared to throw snowballs at me! The only one who ever survived doing that is Thor! And he only survived because he’s bulkier and stronger than me!

“Don’t give me that look! It’s called having fun!” She scoops up more snow and aims another snowball at me.

“Having fun,” I repeat and stare at her in wonder. Having fun – I had fun when I was a child. It stopped when I grew older. I’m still contemplating the concept of ‘having fun’ when a third snowball hits my shoulder. Do I still remember what having fun feels like? The bags drop from my hands; I reach below and bury my hands in the snow. I raise my head and look at her – rather wickedly, I think. Instead of telling me to stop, she nods, encouraging me. At the same time she continues to form more snowballs.

Within seconds, we’re locked in a cold and wet snowball fight. Her aim is good, but I manage to hit her a few times as well. She takes it in stride and wipes the snow off her face.

“Well done,” she exclaims and smiles. “I won’t underestimate you a second time, so be prepared!”

I reckon she will carry out her warning. I mirror her actions and remove the snow from my hair and my clothes as well. Fay’s lips are turning blue and I reckon it’s time to return to the cabin. “Let’s move.”

“Good idea,” Fay comments and picks up her bag again. “I’m cold!”

This time, I judge it safer to walk next to her instead of letting her walk behind me. That way, I’ll know when the next snowball is about to hit!

///

While Fay puts away the groceries, I volunteer to make tea. She accepts and then sits down on the couch, pulling the fleece blanket up to her chin. She shivers and I reckon she still feels cold. I put the tea pot, cups, sugar ,and slices of lemon onto a tray and carry it over to the coffee table where I put it down. I need to keep in mind that she’s mortal and more vulnerable than me. “Tea?”

She arches her eyebrow, but then nods. “I’ll take everything as long as it’s hot!” 

“Next time, I’ll make coffee too,” I promise, surprising myself. Next time, I’m actually expecting a next time. Does that mean I made up my mind and that I’m staying?

“Tea will do,” she says and gives me a probing look. “You seem at ease for the first time.”

She’s right again and I nod. “I do feel at peace, which is quite rare for me.” I know she’ll ask for an explanation, so I add one myself – voluntarily. “Do you remember this sibling rivalry we talked about? I was always searching for ways to be the best – to outshine my brother.”

She nods, sips from her tea, and says, “Now that you’re here and no longer in direct competition with your brother you’ve got the chance to focus on your own thoughts and needs.”

“It feels odd – to be doing that.” She nailed it again; I never tried to find out what I really want – what I’m really like, but now that I’m no longer trying to outdo Thor, I get to find out more about myself. It’s odd; I might not be the person I always thought I was! Now is that a good or a bad thing?

//

Fay’s head slips closer to my shoulder, she moves about, and then settles down. We’ve been sitting on the couch for most of the evening, watching a movie Fay likes, but she fell asleep while watching it. From the corner of my eye I watch the end of the movie, which was quite odd. I don’t like fantasy movies much and Hellboy was quite boring. We only watched it because she wanted to show me this character called Nuada. Speaking of which… Our raven friend seems to have fallen asleep as well. 

With a flick of my mind I switch off the television and listen to the flames whispering in the fireplace. Everything seems so damn much at peace that it can’t be real. I feel at peace. I still can’t believe I can feel this way.

I blink, realizing I’ve been stroking Fay’s arm. Now, what’s that about? I don’t touch anyone in such a casual manner! My first impulse is to move and push her away from me, but then again, I don’t feel comfortable doing that. After all, she took me in and cared for me ever since I showed up. It’s not her fault that I’m acting odd. I force my fingers to come to a stop and draw in a deep breath. What am I doing? Am I reaching out to her because I miss having my family close? Because I miss Thor harassing me? Is such a thing even possible?

Carefully, I cast my mind into the labyrinth of pathways that binds the worlds together. At times, I wonder if even Odin knows about these paths; he never mentioned them, and I never told him I had found out about them. I use them to travel between the worlds without Heimdall knowing about it. Thor destroyed the Bifrost, and by doing so, he locked away the remaining eight worlds, but I can still travel wherever I want. Simply because I don’t need the Bifrost and Heimdall to take me somewhere. I could return to Asgard, but I won’t – I don’t think I ever will.

The tendrils of my mind search for Thor and come across his thoughts eventually. Thor appears to be in a thoughtful mood, and much to my surprise, his thoughts seem to circle around me. Thor’s still mourning losing me – I never expected him to feel so deeply about me. His thoughts reveal the depths of his mourning and the regret he feels at having let me go, which confuses me as I decided to leave. It was never up to him. I let go of Gungnir. Thor didn’t push me away, and yet, his thoughts reveal that he blames himself for my actions! “It wasn’t your fault, Thor. It wasn’t. I caused my own demise.” 

Unexpectedly, Thor’s thoughts stir and twine around mine. I pull back at once, but I might have acted too late. He must have sensed my presence – must have felt my presence like I felt his. Damn, I wanted to prevent this at all cost!

Loki, is that you? Are you still alive? Brother, if it is you, please stay! Do not leave me! Not again! Show me you are alive – and safe! I will come for you if you tell me where you are! I will find a way to bring you home! We miss you! Father misses you, and so does mother. Loki, we love you still!

I withdraw completely, but still his words continue to echo in my mind. I made a grave mistake by reaching out to Thor. He sensed my presence, and knowing my stubborn brother the way I do, he won’t rest until he has found me. 

“You’re tensing up again.”

I had forgotten about Fay, but her voice reminds me of her presence. She lifts her head and looks at me with a troubled expression in her eyes. “It’s nothing, I had a bad dream.” That explanation sounds plausible enough and I hope she buys it.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

Damn, I didn’t expect that question, but I should have! “I dreamt of my family again. My brother to be exact.”

“What happened?” 

She moves so she can look at me more easily. At the same time, she rests her hand atop of mine and I fight the urge to shake it off. I have a hard time getting used to her touching me. “He wanted me to come home. He said he loves me still. That he is going to find me.”

“And does that alarm you?”

I stare at her fingers, which stroke the back of my hand. The touch fills me with warmth, and slowly, I grow used to the rhythmic strokes she bestows upon my skin. “I can never face them again after what I’ve done. I can never go back.”

“Never is an awfully long time.” She breaks off eye contact and looks out of the window instead. There’s a full moon tonight and the stars shine from the heavens. “Loki, can you bear the cold?”

I frown at her question. “I won’t freeze if that’s what you’re inquiring about.”

“Yes, that’s what I want to know. I know it’s cosy here on the couch, but I want us to go outside. I want to show you something.”

She makes it sound mysterious on purpose – I’m sure of that. “If that’s what you want, we can go outside. But you should dress warmly.”

She nods. “And Loki, so should you.”

//

A magnificent white silence strikes me when I step onto the porch. The full moon casts a metallic shimmer onto the snow and makes it shine like silver. It’s beautiful out here. Maybe Jotenheim looked like this in the past, before Odin took away the Frost Giants’ source of power.

“Magnificent, isn’t it?” Fay comes to a halt next to me and joins me into staring at the white sea of ice. “It’s damn cold, but it’s a spectacular sight. It’s one of the reasons I come back here each year. It’s peaceful.”

Absentmindedly, I nod. 

“Loki, close your eyes.”

I turn and look at her. “Why?”

She chuckles. “Must you question everything? Just this once, do as you’re told and close your eyes.”

She has no idea how hard it is for me to comply. Closing my eyes makes me vulnerable – open for attack. I need to see what’s happening around me.

“Loki, I understand that it’s hard for you to trust, but give me a chance.”

She’s right again; I don’t trust anyone – not even myself.

“Close your eyes, Loki,” she says in a hypnotic voice, and for some reason, I obey. “And now keep them closed. I want you to listen, Loki. What do you hear?”

My first impulse is to laugh at her. There are no sounds! It’s quiet – there’s not even a breeze out here!

“Listen, Loki. Reach out with your senses. What do you hear?”

Once more, I do as she tells me and I reach out with my senses, and suddenly, my hearing seems to come alive.

“Yes, you can hear it. Tell me.”

“The snow, falling – it sounds soft, so incredibly soft.” I almost didn’t hear it! “And the ice, it resembles gnashing teeth!”

“Is there more?” Suddenly, she places her hand on my shoulder – I sense the touch through the parka she made me wear. “Focus, Loki!” 

Again, I find myself obeying her command, and yes, she’s right – there’s something else. “I hear your heartbeat and mine.” Although she told me to keep my eyes closed, I open them in wonder. “How can I hear such a thing?”

She gives me a kind smile and cocks her head. “Because you’re listening with your heart and not with your mind. If you continue to listen, you’ll hear the animals, which are hiding from the cold, asleep in their shelters. You’ll hear the fox, the wolf, the owl. Take it one step further and you’ll also be able to feel them, but it’s still too early for that. Let’s take this one step at a time.”

I stare at her and I wonder about her. I don’t know much about her – just the things she told me. How can she possibly know these things? A mortal’s senses aren’t that sharp! The only answer she gives me is another mysterious smile.

“Loki, we should go inside again. I’m growing cold and you need to rest.”

I’m not sure I need to rest, but I can tell she’s freezing as her body has started to tremble in order to create heat that will keep her warm. “You’re right.” She takes my hand into hers and this time, I don’t flinch – I don’t pull away. This time, I let her. I don’t know what happened, but something has changed. To be exact – I think I have changed.

//

I wait until Fay is asleep and then sneak out of the cabin. I quickly close the door behind me as I don’t want the cold to get inside and draw in a deep breath. Thinking back to what Fay taught me, I focus and reach out with my senses. After a few moments I sense a fox in his layer – deeply asleep. I feel the owl’s eyes upon me as it stares at me from the top of the tree. I hear a wolf’s heartbeat even from miles away. 

I close my eyes and calm down. I have possessed this ability my entire life, and yet, it never occurred to me to use my senses in this way. I walk along the porch, walk further away from the cabin, and close my eyes again. I never felt part of the universe before and the realization that everything is connected stuns me. 

A moment later, a lone wolf appears to my right. Its snow-white fur offers perfect camouflage and his black eyes stare at me in wonder. It throws back his head and it releases a high-pitched howl. The wolf’s presence draws me in, and without properly realizing it, I’m shape-shifting. I stare at the other wolf and then answer his call –releasing a howl as well. The wolf moves excitedly, walks away, looks at me from over its shoulder and invites me to follow it. I accept the challenge and follow it. Our pace is slow at first, but then the wolf accelerates and I answer the challenge again. Stretching my legs, I run after it, until, in the end, all I’m aware of is the act of running itself. 

I don’t know for how long I ran, but suddenly the other wolf slows down. I come to a halt and eye my surroundings. Surprised, I realize that I am not that far away from the cabin. We ran in circles and I’m back at where we started our run. It’s time to change back and leave the shape of the wolf behind, no matter how much I relished running like that. 

I step into the cabin again and close the door softly behind me. A quick look tells me that Fay’s asleep and that she didn’t notice my odd adventure. I settle down on the couch, cover up using the fleece blanket and tell the flames to grow strong again. Since the fire wants to please me, it roars back to full strength and warmth descends onto the little cabin.

//

Hum, I feel warm and comfortable when I open my eyes. My nocturnal adventure tired me and I slept peacefully through the rest of the night – another rare occurrence for me as my sleep is seldom calm.

“Morning, sleepy,” Fay says as she appears in front of me. “Tea’s ready and so is your toast. You’re getting spoiled today,” she says and smiles wickedly.

“To what do I owe that pleasure?” I quip and stretch. I still wonder about her – she’s the first person who manages to make me feel good about myself. 

She eyes me, cocks her head, and gives my question ample consideration. “Honestly? I like having you here.” She smiles and then adds, “For some reason, I like –you-.”

Her honest reply takes me aback and I stay silent for a few seconds. Suddenly, our situation seems much too intimate. “I like you in turn,” I admit, also opting for honesty, although admitting the truth rather upsets me. I like her – I really do.

“It’s a good thing then that the feeling’s mutual,” she says and winks at me and by doing that, she takes away the pressure that has been building. “Your tea’s growing cold; you had better hurry, Loki.”

In the past, I learned to hate my name; maybe now, she can help me accept it.

///

It’s still dark outside and daylight won’t come for three more hours. Fay’s working on her thriller and I’m harassing Nuada. I’m throwing tiny morsels of bread at him and he’s growing increasingly irritated. I can’t help it though; I’m bored!

“You’d better stop doing that,” Fays says. “Nuada is capable of extracting revenge.”

“I believe you,” I say and nod. “He attacked me before.”

“When you didn’t want to come inside…”

Fay lets the sentence drift away and expects me to end it for her. “When I was hiding, yes.”

Fay moves away from the laptop and settles down on the couch next to me. I’m still getting used to her being so close to me – to her actually touching me, like now, when she claims my hand and folds her fingers around mine. I savou the connection – relishing that she’s here with me.

“Have you decided what to do regarding your family? You must have given the matter some thought.”

“I did, but I haven’t made up my mind yet.”

“What’s stopping you from going home and talking things through?”

“It’s not that easy.” I regret being unable to be totally honest with her, but she will think me insane and check if I had escaped from a mental hospital. “I don’t know how my family will react upon seeing me. They might give me a second chance, but what about the other people I wronged? Their friends were never mine.”

Fay thinks everything over and then says, “Is there anything you can do to take away their anger? Is there a way you can make amends? Give them something they always wanted?”

And suddenly, the answer comes to me in the form of Jane – the girl Thor fell in love with. I could find her, take her to Asgard with me, and maybe make amends that way.

“Ah, you thought of something just now!” Fays says, being perceptive as ever. 

“Maybe there is a way for me to make amends.” But I need to think this over and I need to do so carefully. Jane knows about me. She knows I exist. She may have never seen me, but she will believe me should I reveal myself to her. The question however is, will she trust me? Will she believe me when I proclaim wanting to help? She only knows me as evil, because of the things I did to Thor. Then again, I don’t need to introduce myself as Loki. I could lie, trick her. 

“Take your time to think it over,” Fay says. “There’s no need to rush and make mistakes.”

She’s right of course; I do need to consider everything very carefully. I watch her as she gets up from the couch, moves toward the kitchenette and makes tea for me and coffee for herself. After putting everything onto a tray, she returns and sits down again. She hands me my tea and eyes me closely. I start to feel uncomfortable under her stare and focus on my tea instead.

“Can I ask you something personal?”

I knew she was up to something, but so far, I still don’t know what is on her mind. “I can’t guarantee I’ll answer,” I reply truthfully. What kind of information is she after this time?

“I’m curious. Do you have a girlfriend at the moment?”

Out of all the questions I thought possible, I never thought of this one! “A girlfriend?” Why would she want to know that?

“I reckon you’re not married, as you’re not wearing a wedding band,” she says and points at my hand. “But you can still be taken.”

Now why would she be interested in that? Damn, how stupid can I be? She’s interested in me in a romantic way! But… me? Why me? Shocked, I can’t do anything but stare at her. Why in Odin’s name does she fancy me? Me out of all people? 

“You appear shocked,” she says and smiles innocently. “Why is that?”

“I…” How do I explain this to her? “My brother is the good-looking one. The women fancy him – not me.” Never me…

“Well, your brother isn’t here and I find myself attracted to you, so I do what any woman would do, namely inquire if you’re still single or if you’re off the market.”

I’m still shocked, though I should have seen it coming. She took me in out of pity and concern, but then she asked me to stay because she liked me. Damn, what do I do? 

“So, do you have a girlfriend?”

I find that I can’t lie to her, even though I should. Being honest will cause problems for both of us. “I’m single – no girlfriend.” 

“They don’t know what they’re missing out on – the women from where you are from.”

Her directness actually causes me to feel shy. “As I mentioned earlier – they are interested in my brother – never me.” I recall a time when I felt attracted to Sif, but she made it very clear, right away, that the feeling wasn’t mutual and that she could never imagine herself dating me. 

“So, if I were to tell you that I do like you in that way. Would you give me a chance? Or am I not your type?”

I feel fluttered and my reactions amaze me. I can’t recall ever feeling like this before – thoroughly flattered – speechless even. Fay seems to understand and merely gives me a smile. 

“Given your reactions one could think I’m the first woman to ever hit on you!” Then her eyes widen in realization. “Don’t tell me that it’s the truth!”

She is the first person ever to actually make me blush. I can’t help feeling embarrassed and continue to study my cup of tea. I’m not saying anything – I will only make things worse.

“Loki!”

Ahm, Fay practically screaming into my ear made me look at her after all. Damn that woman! 

“Actually, that look is rather endearing…”

Her statement causes me to raise an eyebrow. “What did you say?”

“In a way, it makes me want you even more.”

My eyebrow stays up high. I must have misunderstood.

“I always wanted to be someone’s first,” she whispers and smiles most wickedly. “I never thought it would happen though,” she adds.

I’m not quite sure how to feel about that. “I’m a bad choice for a lover, believe me. You should not pursue this.” Her eyes narrow and a dangerous gleam appears in them. “Trust me; I’ll bring you pain and sorrow.”

“It’s my decision whom I pursue and if I want you, I’ll try my hardest to get you.” For one moment she seems to waver, but then her resolve returns. “Let me tell you a story. Do you remember my fondness of Celtic mythology?”

I nod. “I do, but what does this have to with us?”

“Let me tell you about the Táin Bó Cuailnge. An attack was launched on Ulster to steal the bull Donn Cuailnge. The Morrígan, like Alecto of the Greek Furies, appeared to the bull in the form of a crow and warned him to flee. Cúchulainn defended Ulster by fighting a series of single combats at fords against Queen Medb's champions. In between combats the Morrígan appeared to him as a young woman and offered him her love, and her aid in the battle, but he spurned her. In response she intervened in his next combat, first in the form of an eel who tripped him, then as a wolf who stampeded cattle across the ford, and finally as a red heifer leading the stampede, just as she had threatened in their previous encounter. However Cúchulainn wounded her in each form and defeated his opponent despite her interference. Later she appeared to him as an old woman bearing the same three wounds that her animal forms sustained, milking a cow. She gave Cúchulainn three drinks of milk. He blessed her with each drink, and her wounds were healed. As the armies gathered for the final battle, she prophesied the bloodshed to come.”

I blink at her. A very interesting tale but why is she telling it to me?

“Loki, remember, hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. Think twice about rejecting me before having given me a chance.”

Her approach at wooing me rather stuns me. She turned vicious all of a sudden and that’s a side I hadn’t seen before. However, I must admit that her determination flatters me. I like the fact that she refuses to accept a –no- for an answer. I’m like that too – if I want something, I make sure I get it. At least, I did so in the past. 

“Fay, don’t make the mistake to believe that I think myself above you. That’s not it. I merely fear that I’ll make a poor lover – that I’ll hurt you. I urge you to reconsider for your own good, not for mine. I must admit that I hold you in high regard. I actually respect you, and believe me, that’s a rare thing.” The expression in her eyes changes; the dangerous gleam disappears and a soft shimmer appears in its stead. 

“I understand,” she whispers and cocks her head. “But Loki, you shouldn’t doubt yourself. You have much to give. Don’t be greedy and keep it under lock and key. I understand that you’re scared to let yourself fall in love. You’re scared you’ll be betrayed again. But believe me when I say that I’m fiercely loyal.”

I believe her. I wouldn’t dare do otherwise. “This simply amazes me,” I confide in her. “You barely know me and yet you proclaim you’re in love with me.”

“It’s understandable that you’re hesitant. I might react in the same way were our positions reversed.”

I’m not sure I feel comfortable entering a relationship – whatever relationship we might end up having – with lies. But how do I explain to her who I truly am? I’m immortal, she’s not. I’m a master magician, she’s a mere human. How are we supposed to work out?

“Take a chance,” she whispers into my ear. “Maybe this is supposed to happen. Maybe our destines are intertwined. Maybe you showed up here for a reason.”

Involuntarily, my breath catches and I remember something mother said; “Everything your father does, he does for a reason.” Was it his doing that I ended up here out of all places? What if Odin foresaw me letting go of his spear? Would he have influenced what happened after that? Can he do such a thing? Yes, he can. I would never put limits on Odin’s doings. “Do you really think that?”

She cocks her head, gives me a long, probing look and nods. “I believe that everything happens for a reason. That we reach certain crossroads in life, where we’re presented with choices. The choice is ours to make, but we must all face them. Your path brought you here for a reason. I just declared my interest in you – it’s obvious that we reached such a crossroad – both of us. Your choice will influence my future choices, so choose well, Loki.”

This time, the way she speaks my name makes the hair at the back of my neck stand rigid – it’s like she knows my real identity. But how can that be? I look her in the eyes, search those green orbs, and realize that I must trust my instincts. My instincts tell me that she’s right and that I’m supposed to be here. I’m here for a reason and that reason involves Fay. I knew it right from the start. 

My destiny brought me here – to her. I have only been here for a few days, but I have started to heal in her presence. Fay is a part of my future, and although I am not sure what role she’s going to play, I –know- that I must keep her close. “I made my choice.” I raise my right arm, slowly and thoughtfully and rest my fingers against her cheek. Her skin feels warm to the touch – warm and soft. “I don’t know what powers are at work here, but I heed their call. I choose to be with you.”

The expression in her eyes changes, and for one moment, I shiver at seeing a vast power in them. It’s the power she already holds over me, and I, fool that I am, gave it to her – willingly. “I’m truly yours.”

The powerful expression fades and compassion stares back at me. “You made the best possible choice, Loki, trust me. You did the right thing. And for that I’m grateful. You could have cast me aside, but you didn’t.”

Suddenly, she slides onto my lap and folds her arms around me. Normally I would never allow such a thing as it would make me feel threatened, but with her, it’s different. I allow it and merely feel curious about her next move. 

//

That evening differs from the evenings that preceded it. Fay leads me to her bed, as she thinks my place is at her side now. I lie down, make myself comfortable and watch her switch on the CD-player. The soft, sparkling, yet reassuring music that echoes through the cabin soothes my troubled mind and I close my eyes. In my life, there was never time to savour music, but now, in these circumstances I can allow myself to truly enjoy it. “That’s beautiful,” I whisper as she slips into bed next to me. I’m a bit surprised that we’re both clothed. With the pace she has been setting, I had half expected for her to ravish me tonight.

“The song is called ‘Prayer’ and the band’s name is Secret Garden. It’s one of my favourite songs – especially when going to sleep.”

“I understand why – it’s remarkably soothing.” Lying next to her feels odd and I find myself at a loss as to what to do next. Fay however doesn’t have these problems and she moves my arms in such a way that she can move into them and snuggle up to me. I study her face and wonder about the woman in my arms. “You’re different.” I don’t know what’s different about her, but I never met anyone like her before.

“Trust me,” she says as he rests her head against my shoulder and covers us with the comforter. “You will figure it out – in time.”

I let my mind drift on the tranquil sounds of the music and close my eyes. I decide to stop worrying about the direction my life has taken and to simply enjoy holding her in my arms and feeling connected to her in a way I never experienced before.

//

Fay’s still asleep when I wake up in the morning. It’s still dark outside and it’s snowing again. The cabin’s interior cooled during the night and I rekindle the fire with my mind. Lying next to her, holding her in my arms, I examine the feelings running through me. Some of them, I never experienced before. Others come close to the way I felt when Thor and I would snuggle up in bed when we were children. My ‘brave’ brother also had his moments of weakness and sometimes at night, he would climb into my bed and let me hold him because he needed someone close. I never pestered him about it as I loved having him close too.

But holding Fay is different from holding Thor. For one, she’s female and even though I am a god, I am also a male and her presence reminds me that there’s a different kind of love out there. Not the brotherly love I shared with Thor but the love between a man and a woman. Am I falling in love with her? I don’t know. I can’t answer that question as I have never been in love before. I do realize that I have feelings for her – I would have never let her boss me around otherwise, but is it love? What does love feel like? That moment she wakes up and her green eyes pierce my very soul; letting me believe that she knows what I have been thinking. “Good morning,” I whisper eventually, when I start to feel uncomfortable under that particular look. “Did you sleep well?” She moves until she can look at me more easily and continues to search my eyes. 

“Loki, I do love you,” she says softly.

Her words surprise me; perhaps I should have expected them, but hearing them amazes me nonetheless. “How can you? You hardly know me.” She doesn’t know about the vile things I’m capable of. For some reason, she only sees the good in me – and I’m still not convinced I have some good in me to begin with. She moves again, and this time, she straddles my lower body. She looks at me with a deceivingly sweet smile, which I don’t buy as her eyes tell me otherwise.

“Loki, I know you better than you know yourself. I’ve always known you.”

Her words puzzle me, but as she chooses that moment to kiss me, I cease to think about them. Her lips touch mine in a soft, yet demanding kiss. I moan at the unexpected touch and part my mouth at feeling the tip of her tongue press against my teeth. She accepts the invitation and deepens the kiss, making me close my eyes and savour the experience. This particular kiss makes my head reel and doesn’t compare to any kisses in the past. She pulls back, and her move makes me open my eyes and look at her in wonder. The intensity of her look puzzles me. 

“Just a little prelude to things to come,” she hints and smiles brightly. 

Her fingers caress my face and I sigh in bliss. I don’t know what she’s has done to me, but I feel at her mercy. Normally that would alarm me, but this time, it feels right. She leans in closer and her lips ghost across mine when she speaks again.

“Did you make up your mind about reconciling with your family? You hinted that you had thought of a way to make amends.”

I blink in surprise as I didn’t expect her to bring that up during such an intimate moment. She seems sincere about discussing it though and appears comfortable straddling me, staying put where she is. “I thought of a way, yes. But that means I would have to leave you.” I didn’t realize that before – should I take Jane to Thor I will have to leave Fay behind. I can come back for her later, but I would have to desert her for now.

“Why don’t you take me along?” she hints and deposits a kiss against my throat, at exactly that spot which causes me to squirm beneath her. How did she know I’m sensitive right there? 

“But, you said it yourself… You need to finish your book in time.” Staring into her eyes, I feel stunned at seeing the love in those green orbs. I can tell she has fallen hard for me – something I never expected to happen. 

“I can finish it later. Let me worry about the deadline.”

Her offer is tempting, but if I want to take Jane to Thor I will have to use my magic and how do I explain that to Fay? Will she recoil, finding out who I really am? Despise me and turn away from me? Can I risk losing her? For I do love her back… “Fay…” She cocks her head and gives me a look which I can only describe as knowing and wise. 

“Don’t be afraid, Loki. I told you; I’m loyal.”

Her right hand caresses my hair and the fingers of her left hand roam beneath my shirt, caressing bare skin and the sensation takes my breath away. If I didn’t know any better, I would think she was working her magic on me, but that’s nonsense! I feel her lure though and can’t stop myself from saying, “I’m not who you think you are.” How do I tell her who I am? More importantly – what- I am?

“Remember that I love you,” she whispers into my ear and sucks at my earlobe, “Remember we’re together now. You chose to be with me and I accepted you as my lover.”

Again, her choice of words surprises me, but at the same time, I can’t stop myself from continuing the journey toward my doom. “I’m not human, Fay. I –am- Loki, the god of mischief.” Why did I say that? I didn’t want to say it! It’s like my voice formed those words without my saying them. It’s odd. Fay moves even closer and her face hovers only an inch above mine. Her piercing gaze bores into me and I flinch. “It’s true. I’m immortal. That’s why I didn’t freeze out there.” By Odin, something tells me she believes me – I never expected for her to accept my explanation.

“So the god of mischief –did- come to my house!”

I nod, feeling distinctly ill at ease. “I can prove my claim to you.” Work a little magic, show her.

“I believe you,” she says unexpectedly. “I’ve seen the broadcasts concerning Thor’s visit to Earth. And there are stranger creatures around. This is the time of the mutants and superheroes. Why shouldn’t the gods of old return as well?”

Her statement takes me aback. “I never thought you would believe me.” I never did – never. She rolls onto her side and continues to look at me. She doesn’t speak for a long time, but her fingers continue to caress my skin, and in the end, I roll onto my side, pull her close, and drape my arm across her waist. “Are you sure that you don’t require any proof? I don’t want you to think that I’m insane.”

“Proof,” she repeats slowly. “What kind of proof are you thinking of?”

I’m not sure myself. In the end, I opt for something non-threatening, something that will hopefully please her. “Something like this?” I raise my right hand and manifest a purple rose in its palm. The petals open to reveal gold on the inside. “If you want it, it’s yours.” I watch her closely, dreading to see fear, or even worse, scorn on her face, but she merely smiles at seeing the rose.

“That’s beautiful, Loki. Thank you.” She takes hold of the rose and examines it. “I’ll always cherish this gift and now let me give you one in turn.” 

Her hands move into my hair and pull me close once more. Her lips claim mine in a possessive kiss and I give in, unable to resist, and why should I? For some unfathomable reason she accepts me for who I am. While her lips distract me, her right hand moves lower, unbuttons my slacks and slips below my briefs. I stare at her in surprise, but I don’t get a chance to speak up as she promptly manipulates me toward a rising orgasm. The unexpected intimacy makes me pant and I pull her closer, almost crushing her against me, but she doesn’t protest, and when I reach orgasm, I close my eyes in bliss, finding release after a long time of solitude. 

After releasing a trembling sigh, I look at her and raise an unsteady hand in order to caress her face. Endless words form in my mind, but I’m not sure what I want to say – what I can say in this situation, so I stay quiet instead and hope she understands my silence. She smiles, nods, and kisses my brow.

“Don’t worry, I understand,” she whispers, giving me the impression that she –did- read my mind, and not for the first time, do I wonder about her.

//

“Damn, we’re snowed in.”

I wake up and open my eyes after a particularly restful sleep. I search the cabin and find Fay standing in front of the window, already dressed for a new day. 

“Good morning.” 

At hearing my voice she turns toward me and shrugs. “Not sure it’s a good morning – we’re snowed in and we need new firewood.”

And why exactly is that a problem? “Let me fix the situation for you.”

“And how do you plan on doing that?” she inquires and cocks her head. 

“My magic.” Now that she knows my real identity I don’t need to hide my magical powers any longer. She sighs and gives me a probing look before making her way over to the bed. She sits down and rests her back against the wall. I let her when she moves my head into her lap and enjoy the return of her fingers, caressing my brow and hair. Damn, I could get used to this!

“Loki, we need to talk.”

What about I wonder? “What’s on your mind?” This can’t be about mere firewood!

“About the fine line between using and abusing your powers.”

I blink; that’s an odd remark coming from a mortal who has no experience wielding power. “I was born with these powers; they are mine to command.”

“With great power comes corruption. With corruption comes abuse of said power.”

I blink; I never expected us to have a philosophical discussion about my powers. Why do I have the feeling she has wanted to discuss this from the beginning? But how can that be? She didn’t know about my powers until last night! “Using my powers comes natural.”

“But you need boundaries, Loki – everyone does – god, mutant, and man alike. Without boundaries, there’s chaos.”

I blink again. “What are you trying to tell me?”

“Using your powers to make sure we have firewood isn’t necessary. We can shovel our way to the shed, get the wood, and come back here.”

She sounds perfectly sincere and earnest. “But why should I do that when I can supply it by magic?”

She sighs and shakes her head. “Loki, do me a favour?” I nod, to indicate that I will indulge her. “Remember what you were like when you lived in Asgard. Remember the jealousy, the rivalry. You must understand that the power which surrounded you slowly poisoned you. Your father was wise when he sent Thor to Earth and stripped him off his powers. It enabled your brother to understand the true values in life.”

Her words confuse me. “I don’t understand.”

“During these last few days, you have changed; you said it yourself. Slowly, you undid the knots that entangled you in Asgard. You learned to live your life in a different way – without your powers.”

“Are you saying that I’ll slip back into my old ways should I return to Asgard?”

“It’s possible,” she replies and nods. “That’s why you need to understand the fine line between use and abuse of your powers.”

I’m starting to see where she’s taking this; I can’t say I particularly like the conclusion though. “So you’re saying I shouldn’t use my powers when there’s no need for it.”

She smiles – more brightly now. “Use your powers well, Loki, that’s what I’m saying. You have been given a great gift – don’t abuse it.”

“I need to think about that, and the consequences it brings with it.” I have to admit that she’s right in some aspects – with power comes corruption; I have experienced it myself. I never wanted to be King, but when I became Asgard’s ruler, I grew addicted to my new power.

“One day you’ll return to Asgard,” she whispers and moves her head closer to mine. “And when you do, you’ll face your ultimate challenge; you’ll have to remember what you learned on Earth. If you choose to dismiss the lessons you’re learning right now, you’ll be doomed. Even I won’t be able to save your soul. For I do not fear for your life – I fear for your soul.”

My mouth’s gone dry and I feel increasingly nervous. “What’s this talk about my soul? Are you sure I even have one? I’m a god, the god of mischief – of evil.”

“Never evil, Loki, never evil. Please don’t go down that path, for no one will be able to save and redeem you –not Odin, not Thor, and not me.”

She’s dead serious and I decide to take her warning to heart. “I promise I won’t forget.”

“Remember that, love.” She presses a kiss onto my brow and then chuckles. “Get dressed, Loki, you need to shovel snow and get firewood.”

I wonder why I go along with her command. I could simply use my magic and make the fire strong again; I don’t even need the firewood to rekindle it, but something in her gaze says me that I need to do this. It’s a lesson which I need to learn. And once again, she puzzles me – how can a mere mortal know these things?

//

One hour later, I wolf down my breakfast. I cleared the way to the shed the old-fashioned way, got the firewood, and placed it in the fireplace. As a reward, I’m getting my Earl Gray and scrambled eggs and bacon with toast – oh and let’s not forget the rather passionate kiss she bruised my lips with! 

I didn’t like shovelling that snow, but it did the trick; it made me understand why it’s more fulfilling to do the manual labour instead of merely using my magic. I feel content in a way I never did when I still lived in Asgard. Something tells me she taught me a valuable lesson today.

She sits down opposite me and helps herself to some coffee, milk and sugar. After buttering a slice of toast, she puts some jam on it and starts to nibble. “Fay?”

“Yes?” she eyes me as if she knows I am up to something.

“You know a lot about me, but I hardly know a thing about you. You told me that you have two younger sisters and that you’re an author. That’s about it.”

She leans against the back of her chair and narrows her eyes. “That’s a lot.”

I chuckle and wave my finger at her. “That’s nothing!” She seems to consider the matter and then nods her head, as if giving me permission to continue. “What are your sisters’ names for example?” I’m not quite sure why I’m doing this, but something tells me I need to learn more about her.

“My parents had a fondness for ancient names from mythology,” she says and chuckles as well. “They’re called Macha and Nemain.”

“What are your sisters like?” I ask in-between bites. 

“Macha’s the youngest. She’s still at school. She should be at only sixteen! And Nemain, she seems to be eternally pregnant! She always wanted a big family and she has three children already – number four is on its way! She’s the perfect mother as far as I’m concerned.”

She seems to share this information rather easily, which surprises me. For some reason I had thought learning more about her would be harder. “And your parents?”

“They died when I was young. I hardly remember them.”

Ah, that’s a touchy subject and I decide to stay clear of it. No reason to bring back old pain. “Any past lovers I should be aware of? Any which might show up and stick a knife in my back?” I don’t know what made me phrase it like that, but it fails to draw a laugh from Fay. Actually, if anything she looks rather serious.

“No one you need to worry about.”

Again the mystery! It seems it’s getting harder to get detailed answers! Maybe I need to be more straightforward. “I’ll be honest with you. Sometimes, I think you’re hiding from me – like there’s more to you than you’re willing to show.” I expect her to deny that, but instead, she nods.

“I told you that you’ll find out in time. You needed time to reveal your true self to me, Loki. I ask of you that you do the same thing for me; give me the time I need; until I feel comfortable revealing more to you.”

Her answer piques my curiosity, but I know better than to press her. 

//

That evening we sit down at the table to eat dinner. She made pasta, and I must admit I like it. She put on some relaxing music, switched off the electric lights, and placed candles on the table instead, creating a rather romantic setting. I hope it’s not the prelude to making love, because I’m no way ready for that. I’m still getting used to the idea of her kissing and touching me. First, I need to feel comfortable being naked with her and that’s a huge step for someone like me, who never trusted anyone in the past. She’s asking a lot of me, and hopefully, she knows that.

“Loki?”

I draw in a deep breath, realizing that this time, -she- is up to something. I don’t feel on my guard, but I do wonder what she wants to know this time around.

“Will you tell me about your lovers?”

Ahm, that’s a touchy subject and I’m not sure how to answer her. “That’s…”

“You hinted that most women preferred your brother, but surely there must have been someone in your past? Someone special?” She sips from her wine and gives me a wondering look.

I opt for the truth, knowing she’ll spy the lie the moment I tell it. “I fell in love a few times, but the ladies in question were never interested.”

“Tell me more.” She lifts the glass and swirls the red liquid about, making it dance. 

“Well, I can tell you about Sif, I reckon.” I would rather not, but I know she’ll make me open up at any rate. “I had been attracted to her for quite some time and when I deemed the moment right, I hinted at my feelings for her. When I told her, she looked like she was about to burst out into laughter – I felt hurt.”

“Who wouldn’t, but at least you told her.”

“She was interested in Thor, but then my big oaf of a brother fell in love with this mortal, a woman called Jane Foster.”

“The woman you want to reunite your brother with. I think doing that would make a great peace offering. Plus, even more importantly, it would be a wonderful thing to do.”

“So, I wouldn’t be abusing my powers?” I quip in jest.

She laughs warmly and nods her head. “You wouldn’t be abusing your powers when it’s a just cause.”

I pick up my wine, sip from it, and stare at her from over the rim. “You said you would accompany me should I choose to take that path.”

“I’ll come with you,” she confirms. “As I said, I’m fiercely loyal.” 

She winks at me, and for some reason, I grow flustered. “You –do- realize there might be problems upon my return to Asgard?”

“That depends on the way you orchestrate your return,” she replies. “What do you have in mind? I know you have been thinking about it.”

She knows me well indeed. I –have- been giving the matter some thought. “There are several options; that is providing Jane will accept my help.” Fay nods encouragingly. “I could take her to Heimdall and ask him to make sure she gets to Thor.”

“But that would be a coward’s way out,” she says coolly. 

“You’re right.” I can’t deny that I like that option even though it would solve nothing. 

“You have to march right into Asgard and deliver her yourself.”

She’s right of course, but that doesn’t mean I like it. “Providing I get as far as the throne room. I’m sure someone will try to stop me and what do I do then? Let them apprehend me? Fight my way to freedom and wound my own people in the process?”

“I see your dilemma, but you’re a tactician at heart, Loki, think and solve the problem!”

“That’s easier said than done! I can’t transport us straight into Odin’s chambers either.”

“Why not?”

“Instinct would make him react. Odin does tend to act first and think later and I don’t want him to injure any of us.”

“In that case, can’t you use Heimdall as a messenger?”

“Heimdall does as he pleases. You can’t command him. He doesn’t listen.”

“Much like someone else I know.” Fay gets to her feet, walks over to me, and slides onto my lap, letting her legs dangle down at either side. She has taken possession of my lap once more. “I guess we’ll be marching straight into Asgard then; let’s hope no one will try to kill us.”

I don’t like the idea of walking into Asgard; it leaves us open to attack and while they won’t target Jane or Fay, they’ll try to take me down. 

“Enough of this for tonight. Maybe the answers will come to us tomorrow.”

My heart misses a beat when she leans in closer to take possession of my lips again. The amount of pressure she applies is perfect and makes me sigh in surrender. I want to surrender to her – I need to hand over control to her for I’m tired of running my life.

Slowly, she unbuttons my shirt, moves down the fabric, and slides her fingers down my bare chest. I close my eyes, rest the back of my head against the comfort of the chair, and allow her to do as she pleases. She’s in control – she always was. I realize that now. My eyes snap open when she unbuttons my slacks and pushes that fabric out of the way as well. Another blush spreads across my face and I hope she doesn’t mind me being timid.

“Oh my, you’re blushing. I do feel flattered.” she smiles, but it’s a warm and gentle smile. “I never thought the god of mischief could still be innocent in this particular department. You have much to learn, my love.”

Being called ‘my love ‘ is distinctly odd. No one ever did that in the past and it only deepens my blush. 

“Delightful,” she whispers into my ear while her fingers reach for my groin. 

I’m already erect and start to pant when she wraps her fingers around me. She strokes slowly but firmly, and my panting grows harder and faster. I can’t believe the effect she’s having on me. I don’t want to reach orgasm yet, but she’s determined to push me over the edge, and I fall again… only this time, she’s there to catch me. “Why are you doing this?” I whisper once I caught my breath again.

“Because you need to be touched. You need to experience this, you deserve to be loved. And I want to give you my love – gladly and from the bottom of my heart, unconditionally as love should be.”

I rest my brow against hers and search her eyes. For one tiny moment I sense some incomprehensible power in her mind, but a second later, it’s gone. Did I imagine sensing it? No, my senses work just fine – I know that. I glanced at something, but I don’t know what it is.

//

The next morning, I make sure I’m awake first. While Fay is still asleep, I steal out of bed and into the kitchen to fix breakfast. Nuada reminds me of his presence by landing on my shoulder. The fact that his sudden presence doesn’t alarm me shows how comfortable I feel – how much at home. “Are you hungry too?” I whisper, as I don’t want Fay to wake up yet. The bird nods as if answering me and instead of giving it bread crumbs, I call upon my magic and feed it a handful of berries and insects. Nuada gets excited and starts moving his wings. I smile at the critter and let him chase a berry which rolled onto the floor. I wonder, would Fay look upon that as use or abuse of my powers?

“What are you doing?” 

Fay’s voice glides through the room and I look at her from over my shoulder. “Making breakfast the old-fashioned way.” She arches an eyebrow and I add, chuckling, “I cheated a little where Nuada is concerned.”

“You’re forgiven,” she says in an amused voice. “Just cause!”

Her reply makes me smile in turn. “Coffee’s ready,” I announce, feeling proud that I managed to get everything ready before she’d wake up. Fay gets to her feet, wearing only an oversized T-shirt, and makes her way over to the table where she sits down. She inhales the coffee’s strong aroma, sips from it, and smiles at me. 

“Lots of sugar – sweet, just the way I like it,” she quips. 

I nurse my cup of tea and watch her. She looks sweet in the morning, but I’ve learned that her looks can be deceiving. “What are your plans for me today? Shovelling more snow? Getting more firewood and groceries?”

She shakes her head rather slowly. “Today, I want you to think about your return to Asgard.”

See, there’s nothing sweet about her! “Must you bring that up first thing in the morning?” She could have waited for me to finish my tea!

“You can’t stall forever. Well, theoretically you could, but I won’t let you.”

I roll my eyes and shake my head. “I haven’t thought about it yet. I slept, remember?”

“And you slept well. When you arrived at the cabin, you hardly slept, remember? I bet that you didn’t sleep well in Asgard either.”

She’s right; while I lived in Asgard I felt rather paranoid – especially during the last few years. “Maybe it’s your presence and not so much the place.”

“Maybe,” she says, but doesn’t sound convinced. “Will you answer my question now?”

I sigh, sip from my tea, and put down my cup. “The unpredictable factor is Heimdall. He might indulge me and send word to get Thor or Odin or he might call the guards and then I’m in trouble.”

“Heimdall’s presence is not enough then. Is there anyone you can contact prior to your arrival? Your father? Mother? Thor?”

I shrug again. “My parents would never allow themselves to be caught off guard. Their minds are tightly locked.”

“What about Thor?”

Thor might be a different matter. The times I reached out to him his mind was wide open en welcomed me. “I might be able to reach him.”

“Excellent! Why don’t you try to contact him today? Let him know you’re alive and working on redeeming yourself. Don’t mention Jane Foster yet, we don’t know if she’ll accept your help. We could contact her tomorrow. What do you think?”

I laugh, rather loudly I’m afraid. “And you call me a tactician! You plan ahead as well!”

“Someone needs to, since you’re rather inclined to postpone your visit to Asgard.”

Her comment makes me wonder though; do I want to return to Asgard and live there? Or do I merely want to visit, make my peace as it were, and then leave again?

“You just thought of something,” she says, perceptive as always.

I nod my head. “I was wondering if I wanted to live in Asgard or merely visit it in order to make amends.” With a start, I realize that I would prefer living here with Fay. I don’t look upon Asgard as my home anymore.

“The answer will come to you once you’re in Asgard,” Fay replies.

“Probably.” I think back to what she said just moments ago; she wants me to contact Thor and tell him I’m alive. Thor knows I’m alive; he isn’t stupid, but purposefully contacting him is different. The times that I made contact with him happened accidentally. I’m not quite sure how I’ll do this time around.

//

Fay gives me an odd look when I leave the cabin, but seems to understand that I require some privacy when contacting Thor. She doesn’t comment, doesn’t follow me, she simply lets me go, and I appreciate it. Once I’m outside, surrounded by the snow and the sunlight, I sit down on the porch – cross legged. I want to do this by sunlight; I need to feel the warmth of the rays of the sun on my face. I close my eyes, but not completely so the sunlight can still reach me. I relax my mind first, as I don’t want to make any mistakes due to haste. Once I feel calm enough to reach out, I send out my mental call – letting it find Thor, if he chooses to hear me. Thor… Thor’s reply is instant and the intensity of it takes me aback. It’s as if he has been waiting for me to contact him!

Loki! Brother, it –is- you! You are still alive! I knew it was you the other day! Loki, stay, do not run again. Do not run!

He’s sincere – I sense his love for me and it makes me stay. I feed more energy to the connection so it will remain stable and carefully choose my next words. Thor, I’m truly sorry for what I did. I know I made mistakes. I don’t know if you’ll believe me when I say that I wish I could undo the mistakes I made. My heart beats at a faster pace, awaiting Thor’s reply, but I don’t need to wait long.

Loki, I just want you back at my side. Father mourns you and so does mother. I see the despair in her eyes when no one else is looking. She blames herself for losing you. I tried to tell them that you are still alive, since I felt you that day, but father is convinced you died and mother, she believes him. Now I can tell them differently! They will rejoice at hearing you’re well/ You –are- well, are you not?

Oh, Thor! You still care about me after all the things I did to you. I tried to kill you! Yes, I’m well, I found sanctuary on Earth. I found peace here. Like you did. Thor’s gentle chuckling drifts into my mind and I just know what he’ll say next.

Do not tell me there is a woman involved, brother! Did they get to you too?

I can’t help chuckle in return. I never thought that talking to Thor would go be so easy. Honestly? Yes, there’s a woman involved. Her name is Fay and she’s been setting me straight. The amazing thing is that I’m letting her. In the past, I would have crushed her without giving it a second thought. Now she’s bossing me around – something even you failed at. Thor goes quiet, but I know my brother well and I know what he’s thinking about. You would gladly switch places with me, knowing I’m on Earth and you’re not.

You are right, Loki. Brother, will you keep an eye on Jane for me if you can? Make sure she is safe? It would mean much to me.

Unwillingly he’s giving me a trump I can play later, when I’ll take Jane to Asgard. I’ll try to find her.

Loki, tell me, are your powers still intact?

A question put to me for a reason and I’m well aware of that reason. Don’t worry, brother. I won’t turn the humans into frogs or cars into ice cream, although I must admit I like that idea. 

Loki, Odin sent me to Earth to learn a harsh lesson, but I learned it. Please brother, do not make the mistakes I made. 

Again, I understand what he wants to tell me, in that helpless way of his. You need not worry. Fay would have my head if I misbehaved. We have been discussing the fine line between using and abusing one’s powers. She’s wise for a mortal, brother. It means a lot to me that we’re still brothers. It would have been easy for Thor to dismiss that relationship, as we’re not related by blood.

I already like her, brother. I wish you could return to us, Loki. These halls are rather empty without you to chase after. I miss you. And it’s not just me. Father and mother miss you too, but I miss you the most!

Ah, still in competition – that’s Thor. Do not worry, I know you miss me the most. In the past, I wouldn’t have heard the love behind the words. Thor can say one thing, but mean another when you read between the lines. I never took the time to do that in the past. I miss you too, brother. It’s the truth.

Loki, I regret that you cannot come back to me, but promise to stay in touch. I want to hear from you daily. I need to know you are safe and well. Thor grows quiet and I turn wary. Please tell me that I can confide in mother and father. They need to know the truth!

Thor, I’d rather have you did not do that. It’s the truth; I don’t know what will happen once Odin learns that I’m still alive. It’s easy to forgive a dead son for past mistakes, but it might be a different story when that supposedly dead son is alive all of a sudden!

Brother, I must be honest with you. I do not know if I can keep this from them. I never lied to them before and I would rather not start now.

Thor can’t lie – even if his life depended on it. I know that and can’t blame him for it. You can tell them if you’re left with no other choice. I offer him a way out that should do it. There’s one more thing I need to ask him though. Thor, let’s suppose I find Jane Foster. Is there a way I can convince her that I mean her well? She might not trust me. That thought crossed my mind before; I don’t want to kidnap Jane, but if she refuses to listen I might have no other options. Thor’s reply is instant and I sense no suspicion in his thoughts; he trusts me to take care of his love interest. Still so naïve. 

Tell her that I remember the pact we made. That I would come back for her. I sealed it by kissing her hand. She kissed me on the lips. No one else knows about that as the rest arrived later.

I store that information away for later. Yes, that should do the trick. I promise to find her, brother.

Thank you, Loki, I need to go now. Father called for a meeting. Call out to me again tomorrow, yes? 

I can almost hear an added please, but I won’t make him say it. I’ll call out to you.

I will not say farewell, brother, merely goodbye. I have faith in you. You will find a way to return to us and so, goodbye, brother.

My stubborn oaf of a pigheaded brother. Goodbye, Thor and be well. That moment the connection falls apart and I feel terribly lost. Deserted and alone. Thor is, no matter how much I want to deny it, a part of me. Suddenly, a hand comes to rest on my shoulder and a different kind of connection comes to live. I feel connected to Fay as well. I turn my head and look at her from over my shoulder. She squats behind me and slides her arm across my chest, pulling me close to her. She completes the embrace by wrapping her other arm around me as well and we sit still – her holding me makes me feel like I belong. By Odin, I never felt like that before – it’s like I have come home. Like she’s the other half of my soul. The smile she gives me shows she knows what’s going through my mind and again, I wonder about this woman. I’ll give her the time she needs, but I do hope she’ll trust in me one day – like I entrusted myself to her.

//

I can’t believe I actually found the courage to get naked in front of her. This might sound strange, but when I’m naked I feel the most vulnerable. We’re in bed, skin on skin and I’m holding her. She fell asleep facing me and her arms hold me like I hold her in turn. I don’t want to fall asleep yet as I want to watch her – maybe unravel her secrets that way. I’m doomed to fail though; she keeps her secrets well, much better than I ever did. I raise an arm, let my fingers slide into her hair, and caress the black strands. The fire’s still going strong in the fire place and casts a fiery glow onto her hair, making it look like its bathes in blood. “I love you,” I whisper, hoping she’ll stay asleep. “I don’t know why but it feels like I have always known you,” I press a kiss against her brow and memorize her features. She’s mortal and will grow old in time, but I want to remember her the way she looks now. 

//

It’s like I’m dreaming, but I know I’m not. I know that because I feel her skin against mine, her lips on mine, her fingers sliding across my chest and her warmth surrounding me. She’s straddling me, moving atop of me and slowly taking us towards completion. I rest my hands on her hips, look at her and she leans in closer, never slowing down her movements. Our lips touch again and the sensation growing in my groin makes me beg for more. I surrender to her and she takes us higher. I don’t want this moment to end for it is precious to me, but even I can’t make it last forever, and when I reach orgasm, I pull her over the edge with me. Looking into her green eyes, I draw in my breath; for one moment, they turned red and her features changed. It’s like I’m looking at an echo of the person beneath her face. It’s distinctively odd. I don’t question her though and simply accept the gift she has given me. “I belong with you,” I whisper caught off guard. 

“We belong together,” she confirms. “I always knew that, but you made me wait a long time, Loki,” 

I enfold my arms around her and pull her close to my chest. She rests her head against my shoulder and her breath teasingly caresses my skin. “You’re still making me wait.” When will she feel comfortable to entrust me with her secrets?

“Be patient, Loki, Trust me.” 

“I trust you,” I say softly, but in a determined voice. “I do trust you.” I don’t know where she’ll lead me, but I do know that I’ll follow her – no matter where.

//

I can’t deny being nervous. We decided to contact Jane Foster today and we won’t be using normal ways of transportation; instead I’ll use the astral pathways to take us there. Fay doesn’t seem concerned about travelling in this way; she has complete trust in me, although I still don’t understand why she trusts me. “What are you going to do about Nuada?” Does she want the bird to come along?

Fay, dressed in bleached jeans and a white blouse, simply shrugs. “Nuada, do you want to stay here?” 

Putting the question to the bird is odd, but then again, I talk to it as well. Nuada crocks his head, gives me a long look, and then flies toward me, landing promptly on my shoulder. “I guess we now know what he wants.” Fay nods, slips into her boots, and picks up her coat and shoulder bag. She comes well-prepared!

“Let’s do this.” 

She raises her arm, offers me her hand, and I wrap my fingers around it. I pull her close to me and wrap an arm around her. “Remember, you might feel disorientated, but there’s no reason to be afraid. I’ll look after you.” 

“I don’t scare easily,” she says and winks at me.

Does she know what she’s getting herself into? Nuada’s claws press into my shoulder, making me aware of his weight and presence. “This is it then.” Fay nods and smiles at me. I had better do this before I lose my courage and reconsider.

//

We materialize in front of the building that holds Jane’s lab. I quickly look at Fay to find out how she coped with our little trip, but she’s unfazed. She doesn’t appear shocked, although she just travelled the astral plane. “She’s inside,” I tell her and point at the second floor. “That’s where her lab is.” Fay loops her arms with mine and smiles warmly. She continues to amaze me!

“Then let’s start walking.” 

She pulls me along and I conceal us when we pass the security guards. I can’t be bothered with them. We reach the door to her lab and I come to a standstill. “Fay…” Suddenly, I’m getting cold feet. 

“Don’t worry, everything will work out just fine,” she says and knocks. The door isn’t locked and she opens it. “Hello? Jane Foster, are you in?” 

“Who wants to know?” A brunette appears in front of us, wearing a lab coat and holding papers in her hand. Her alert eyes focus on Fay first, but then come to rest on me – and Nuada to be exact. “Who are you? How did you get past the guards?” 

I remind myself to remain calm and focused. “I’m a friend of Thor. Are we welcome?” Her eyes narrow and she seems to study me. I can’t blame her for not trusting me. A lot of crazy people must have shown up once word got out that she knows the new hero in town. 

“How can I be sure that you’re telling the truth? That you really know him?” 

The papers in her hand move and part of a taser gun shows. She isn’t taking any risks. “Thor told me that he wanted to seal your deal with a hand kiss, but you kissed him on the lips.” I had better gain her trust now or she might never believe me. My words hit their mark; she puts down the papers and the taser gun, takes a step away from me, and gestures for us to enter the lab.

“Who are you? You said you were a friend of Thor’s.” 

She’s still suspicious of me – I took great care to look reliable, but I guess looking like an old-fashioned Oxford professor doesn’t do the trick. I must admit I’m rather fond of that tweed look though. “I have known Thor my entire life. I also know that he regrets being unable to come back for you, although he promised he would.” That seems to finally fully convince her and she points at the chairs in the corner of the room.

“Do you want coffee? I definitely need some. This is rather unexpected.” 

She seems confused, but I also sense strength in her; I understand why my brother feels attracted to her. In a way she reminds me of Fay. Fay and I sit down and I accept the mug filled with coffee she hands me, although I would have preferred a cup of Earl Gray. Fay however seems pleased and sips slowly after having added a load of sugar and milk. 

“Why are you here? Don’t get me wrong, it’s great to hear from Thor, but…” 

Jane had expected Thor to show up in person and not some messenger. “Thor told you about the Bifrost?” she nods and I continue, “It regulates all transportation to the nine worlds and it was destroyed in battle.” I hold my tongue and don’t add that Thor destroyed it because I wanted to annihilate Jotenheim. “Once it was destroyed, travelling to Midgard, Earth, became impossible. That gateway is closed. That’s why Thor can’t come back for you.” Jane nods, drinks her coffee, and seems eager for more information. So I give it to her. “Since I’m on Earth, Thor asked me to contact you. I might be able to help you, you see. I know an alternative way into Asgard. I can take you to Thor – if that’s what you truly desire.” I exchange a look with Fay, as I’m surprised she’s letting me do the talking and isn’t getting involved. 

“Let me get this straight. You can take me to Thor? Right now?” 

Jane’s face comes alive and glows with expectation. Her eyes shimmer with love and desire and I realize my brother chose wisely. She really loves him. 

“Yes, I can. That’s why I’m here – to find out your answer. Do you want to travel to Asgard to be with Thor?” I almost said, my brother. Damn, I need to be careful. I don’t know how much Thor told her about me, but once she knows who I am, she might not be inclined to accept my offer.

Jane looks at her research from over her shoulder – at the buzzing computers running data and the dozens of books lying around. I know her research means much to her; she has to reach the decision on her own; what’s more important, her research or Thor? Fay locks gazes with me and then claims my left hand. She twines our fingers and mouths a word – patience. I’m not good at being patient though. 

“I accept your offer,” Jane says suddenly – speaking in a loud and determined voice. “I want to see him.I need to talk to him.” 

Ah, she reached her decision faster than I thought she would. “I must add one thing though.” I need to be honest, as I don’t know what kind of greeting will await me back home. “I’m not sure I can take you back to Earth on short notice. You might have to remain in Asgard for some time.” It was never my intention to make her doubt her decision, but I can tell this new bit of information makes it hard for her to stick to her choice. Fay arches an eyebrow at hearing me, but I must be honest and take all options into account. After all, I betrayed my family and I don’t know how forgiving Odin will be.

“I’ll take that risk,” Jane says, slower and softer this time. “I want to see Asgard. I want to know more about Thor. He has been on my mind since he left. I need to be with him.” It pains her though to leave her research behind, but her friends will carry on with the project. “What do I do?”

I raise my arm and offer her my hand. “Take it and no matter what happens, don’t let go. You’ll fall into darkness. You’ll see stars, nebulas, and some of the nine worlds. Whatever happens, don’t let go of my hand. Don’t panic.” 

“Don’t worry,” Fays says, finally speaking her mind. “It’s not as scary as he makes it out to be.” She smiles at Jane in order to reassure her. 

Jane nods, but a motion of concern remains in her eyes. “You travelled that way before?”

“Just now,” Fay explains. “I live in Finland and we decided to travel this way as it would be faster. You can trust him to look after you. He loves Thor dearly and wants the two of you to be together.”

Her words do the trick and Jane places her hand in mine. I didn’t think she would trust me that quickly. Before we can travel to Asgard, I need to do one more thing though. “Just a moment,” I tell the two women, “I need to alert Thor that we’re about to arrive.” I’m hoping that Thor will help me when I face Odin. Taking Jane to him might assure me of his goodwill. I must be mad for choosing confrontation, but Fay is right –I can hide forever, but it’ll do me little good.

Reaching out, I search for Thor’s mind, and once more, he welcomes me and eagerly latches on to the connection. Brother. I need your help, I tell him.

What is it, Loki? How can I help?

I’m on my way to Asgard. Let’s see how he’ll react to that.

But that is impossible! I destroyed the Bifrost! You cannot travel between the nine worlds any more. A moment of silence and then, or can you?

I allow for my mental chuckling to drift into his mind. Thor, I learned to travel between the worlds a long time ago – without needing the Bifrost. I might have forgotten to tell you. Thor remains quiet and I grow worried; am I doing the right thing?

You should have come home right away! Why wait so long? You know that I miss you. Loki, brother, come quickly. Do you want me to meet you upon your arrival? Where can I find you?

Thor had me worried for a moment; for one moment I thought he would tell me not to come home. Meet me at the Bifrost. If you can, tell Heimdall to expect me and company.

Company? 

Now Thor sounds worried again. I mean no harm, Thor. Believe me, you’ll be happy to see her and now move! Through the link I hear him curse, but when I pull away, so does he, breaking the connection. 

I open my eyes which I involuntarily closed and look at Jane first. “Thor will meet us at the Bifrost.” Then I look at Fay, and seeing her trust in me, I can only hope this won’t end in disaster. Focusing my mind, I open the astral gateways and find my way home.

//

I keep my senses wide open upon materializing on the Bifrost, or rather what’s left of it. Sensing a presence behind me, I quickly turn around and am not surprised to find Heimdall standing there and eyeing me. However, what –does- surprise me is that his sword is sheathed. He doesn’t look like he’s about to attack me.

“Loki,” Heimdall says in that deep, sultry voice of his. “Still full of surprises.” 

He doesn’t reach for his sword though, and for the moment, I feel reassured that he won’t attack me. I ignore him for now – Heimdall won’t attack me from behind – he’s too honourable for that. I focus on my company instead, and while Fay appears merely interested in her surroundings, Jane’s mouth’s wide open and she’s staring at the city ahead. “Welcome to Asgard, my ladies,” I say, being unable to hold back. “It appears Thor’s running late.” 

At that exact moment, a bluish, red shape appears in the distance and it travels toward us as at a high speed. “Ah, that might be him. Jane?” I gesture for her to step forward so she can greet him, but she simply stares at me in wonder. 

Fay’s hand settles at the back of my lower back and feeling her touch strengthens me. I draw in a deep breath, turn around, and face Heimdall again. “Why are you still here when there’s nothing left to guard?” The Bifrost has been rendered useless – thanks to Thor and me. I am not sure why I’m baiting Heimdall – am I returning to my old tricks? But no, I’m curious about him. I want to know why he hasn’t attacked me yet. The last time we met I used Laufey’s box to bury him alive in ice. I can’t believe he’s that forgiving.

“Well, the Bifrost might be useless, but you found your way back here at any rate. I still wonder how you travel between the worlds. Not even Odin himself possesses that power.” 

All right, so Heimdall would rather talk to me than attack me? How odd. Has he seen me living on Earth with Fay? “How much did you see? I thought I had hidden myself from your eyes.”

“You did, but sometimes your hold would slip and I could catch a glimpse of what was happening.” 

Heimdall turns his head toward Fay and I have the oddest feeling, like there’s some sort of secret communication going on between them. 

“Jane!” 

Thor has arrived. He slips from his horse’s back and his booming voice pulls me from my little conversation with Heimdall; I look at my brother instead. He wraps his arms around Jane and twirls her around, kissing her, and asking her forgiveness for being unable to come back for her. 

“Cute, don’t you think?” Fay whispers in my ear. I shake my head and roll my eyes. I have been doing that a lot lately around her. But then again, she always says something that makes me react in that way and I believe she’s doing it on purpose. Damn, it’s complicated!

“Jane, I am sorry that I did not come back for you, but the Bifrost was destroyed, and Earth lost to us.” Thor holds Jane close to him and she whispers words into his ear which only Thor can hear.

I patiently bide my time and manage to ignore Heimdall, even though I feel his searching gaze upon me. I won’t give him the satisfaction of knowing he’s irritating me.

“I’m here now,” Jane says, louder this time. Her face glows with happiness and love. “That’s what matters!”

Thor nods, buries Jane’s hand in his, and I know how he feels –he’ll keep her close –preferably close enough to touch. 

“Thanks to you, brother.

Thor suddenly takes a step toward me and we lock eyes. Now that I’m facing him, I don’t feel that brave anymore. It’s one thing to mentally communicate knowing Thor is worlds away, but now he’s only inches away and I don’t know what he’s thinking. I want to address him, but I can’t find the right words. My lips refuse to move and all I’m capable of is to stare at him and hope he’ll find it in his heart to forgive me. 

“Loki!” Thor releases Jane’s hand from his hold and bridges the distance between us. “You are back!” 

One moment later, his arms close around me and he’s crushing me against him. He guides my head against his shoulder and holds me close – just like we used to hold each other when we were children. I reckon this means he isn’t –that- angry with me – at least, not right now. “Forgive me,” I whisper, hoping my plea will reach his heart.

“I never wanted you to let go. I wanted you to hold on. I wanted to take you into safety. When you let go and fell, I was not sure my heart could cope with losing you, We will discuss the past, but not right now, Right now, I am happy that you returned to me!” 

That’s typically Thor – he forgives easily and embraces my return in his life. I never realized how deep his love for me ran, but now that I do, I won’t take it for granted ever again. “I’m truly sorry.” 

“Let us not speak about it now. It’s time to rejoice.” 

Thor gives me a brilliant smile and I fight my blush to the hardest. I am not growing flustered here!

“Now that’s an interesting sight,” Heimdall remarks, “Loki, embarrassed.” 

I manage to ignore him, but from the corner of my eye I catch Fay glaring at him, at which Heimdall straightens his back and turns away from us. What happened just now?

“Loki, our parents want to see you,” Thor announces. He lets go of my hand and pulls Jane into his arms instead.

“You told them,” I realize and narrow my eyes at him. “I had asked you not to.” Thor has the grace to look ashamed, but I don’t buy it. He probably told them the moment we broke contact the other day.

“I am sorry, but I could not keep it to myself, I had to tell them! You do not know how sad they were after you vanished. We presumed you dead. Mother cried and father, you know what he is like. He keeps it all inside— he blames himself for losing you and it has been eating him alive.”

I take in that information and hope it means I might be forgiven if they mourned losing me to that degree. “Is it safe for me to enter Asgard then?” I have to make sure, not for me, but for Fay.

“Thor?” Jane has an alerted expression in her eyes, which tells me she figured out what role I played in the past. “Are you telling me that guy is your brother? The one who sent the Destroyer after you? And you trust him?”

“Ahm, yes, the Destroyer. That might have been a little mistake,” I say, trying to make light of the situation. “I shouldn’t have done that.”

Thor draws in a deep breath and turns toward Jane. “It wasn’t entirely Loki’s fault that the situation escaladed. I carry part of the blame as well.” Thor turns toward me and adds, “I meant what I said that day, I am truly sorry for the way I treated you. The only thing I can add to my defense is that I was arrogant and stupid. A spoiled brat and I took your support for granted. I should have respected you, brother, but I did not.”

I never expected him to say that and I find myself speechless again. “Apology accepted,” I manage in the end. Thor suddenly gives me an odd look and I wonder what’s on his mind.

“Care to explain to me why there is a raven sitting on your shoulder?”

His question makes me smile. “Nuada favors me, just so you know it.”

Thor bursts out laughing. “Those damn birds never liked me. You are right; that is true.” Thor’s gaze shifts again and this time it comes to rest on Fay. “And who might this lady be?” He actually winks at her!

“I’m Fay, his lover.” 

All right, that leaves no room for misunderstanding. Thor wiggles his eyebrows – he knows how much I hate it when he does that! “She’s right,” I add. “Fay’s the reason why I’m here. Why my life has changed. Why I decided to take Jane to you and why I must face father and our people.” I’m not looking forward to that though. “She helped me change,” I conclude.

“Thank you, Fay.” Thor looks immensely pleased. “It is a good thing you accompany my brother, I want to get to know you and my parents will want to meet you too.” 

Thor’s words render me speechless. I can’t believe they’d forgive me so easily. It must be a trick – some sort of sordid trick. Thor’s only acting like this because father has told him to lure me into his chambers and when I’m inside. 

“Loki, stop it!”

I blink at hearing Fay’s voice, pulling me from my paranoid musings. When I look at Thor, I see he’s worried about my sudden silence and Fay shakes her head at me.

“Remember! You’re in Asgard now, but you’re not the Loki you once were. We talked about it, remember?” Fay says in a concerned voice.

Slowly, I nod. She warned me that this might happen. I can’t stay here for long, I realize that now. I don’t want to live here anymore. I want to leave as quickly as I can. I don’t want to revert back to being the Loki of old. 

“What is wrong with him?” Thor asks, addressing Fay since I remain quiet.

Fay takes a moment to phrase a reply. “He’s remembering the way his life used to be here in Asgard. Like Loki said, he has changed, and he doesn’t want to revert back to the way he was; paranoid and jealous.” 

Thank you! Did she have to phrase it like that? Thor looks at me again and I don’t know how to react. 

“You are welcome here, Loki. You do not need to be suspicious. I mean you no harm and neither does father.” 

“I sincerely hope that’s true. You see, I don’t believe you. It can’t be that easy.”

Thor squeezes my shoulder and then steps aside. “Let us seek out father. Maybe he will convince that you are welcome here.”

//

“Loki, you need to do this on your own,” Fays insists. “Know that I’m with you in spirit, but you need to face your father alone.”

I hate admitting it, but she’s right. “Where will you go? What will you do while I talk to my father?”

“I’ll keep Jane company; that way she won’t feel lost.”

She’s right again. Thor will partake in our family council and can’t be with Jane. By keeping Jane company, Fay will make sure no one feels left out. “I don’t know what the outcome of this family meeting will be,” I confide in her. ”I might be banished from Asgard; in that case we need to leave as quickly as possible.” I move Nuada from my shoulder onto hers. I rather not face Odin with Nuada present – that bird has a bad attitude, and even now, he protests being moved. “Be quiet,” I tell him. Nuada croaks one more time, but then grows quiet.

Movement to my right makes me turn my head and I freeze upon seeing Sif join us. Thor asked her to take care of Jane and Fay, but I had hoped avoiding running into her. A freezing glance passes between us, and at seeing Fay’s look, I realize she figured out Sif’s identity. “Behave,” I tell her. “Be nice.”

“I’m not sure I can pull that off.”

Unexpectedly she places her hand at the nape of my neck and pulls me in for a kiss. Her eyes never leave Sif’s face though and I wonder why she’s kissing me. Hopefully not to make Sif jealous, because that’s a lost cause. Sif despises me.

“Don’t worry. Just staking my claim,” she whispers and presses another, gentler kiss against my lips. “I’ll be ready for whatever may happen.”

I know she’ll be there to back me up, no matter what happens and I appreciate it. Involuntarily, Sif’s eyes meet mine and I can tell she’s surprised that I let a mortal woman kiss me in public. Damn, like she cares! I don’t feel ready to face my father, but I don’t have a choice. I turn to face Thor, who has an amused expression on his face and I can’t stop myself from barking at him. “What?”

“You have changed, brother. I cannot recall that you ever cared about a female before. At least, not to such an amount that you were willing to show your feelings in public.”

I suppress the urge to roll my eyes. “Fay’s special.” At that moment, Nuada croaks, as if to voice his approval. “And that bird is simply annoying.” Thor laughs and rests a hand upon my shoulder, gently squeezing it. “How angry is father?” I ask.

“Not as angry as you may think. We know we made mistakes, Loki. You are not the only one to blame – father knows that and mother, she is happy to have you back. Do not be afraid, brother.”

That’s easily said, but not easily done. As I walk up to the richly decorated door to my parents’ private chambers, I feel displaced. I’m not wearing my uniform; instead I’m wearing black slacks, a white shirt, and a black jacket. I couldn’t be more out of place. Maybe I should change into my formal attire before facing father, But in the back of my mind, I hear Fay chiding me, telling me not to be ashamed of who I am today. Encouraged, I draw in a deep breath and watch the guards open the door. The moment of reckoning has come for me.

The guards open the door and step aside so Thor and I can enter. I quickly scan the room, find my parents standing in the centre, and immediately lower my gaze. I don’t know what to do, how to address them… How to appease them – if that is even possible.

I come to a halt in front of them. Thor stays at my side and I appreciate the support. Keeping my head bowed, I stare at the floor and try to calm myself. It’s not working though. I can’t stop thinking about the mistakes I made. “I’m sorry,” I whisper eventually, barely audible, but Odin and Frigga will hear it. “I made mistakes, I realize that now.” What else is there to say? Nothing. My actions doomed me and I can only hope they’ll find it in their hearts to forgive me. As I’m staring at the floor, I notice Odin taking a step closer to me. I keep my gaze trained at the floor though. I feel too insecure, too vulnerable to look at him. 

“Loki,” Odin says in that booming, yet incredibly familiar voice of his. “Look at me.”

He doesn’t sound angry, but that doesn’t mean a thing. I would rather not look at him, but I can’t disobey either, so I slowly raise my gaze. I still avoid making eye-contact though, as I don’t want to find out how he really feels about me.

“Loki, Look me in the eye, son.”

Unfortunately that’s a direct order – one which I can’t disobey. I draw in a deep breath and steel my heart. I search out his gaze and make eye-contact. I’m surprised to find that he doesn’t look angry. I can only describe the expression in his eye as sorrow. I still don’t know where we stand though and stay quiet, letting him lead the conversation. 

“My son!”

Hearing those words make me swallow convulsively; I hadn’t thought he would ever call me that again. I still don’t dare to address him yet though. 

“Loki, do not be scared of me. I am not here to punish you.”

Odin raises his right arm and rests his hand on my shoulder. I tremble at the touch, wishing I knew what was going on. What are his plans for me? 

“You are my son, Loki. You always will be. Never doubt that I love you,” Odin says. “Each and every one of us here made mistakes. Maybe I should have told you about your heritage, although I still do not believe it would have been a wise thing to do. Your mother and I wanted what was best for you.” Odin squeezes my shoulder gently and then continues, “We discussed matters, Thor, your mother, and I, and we realize we made mistakes too. I regret making you feel second best. That was never my intention. I love you as dearly as I love Thor.”

“And I meant what I said back on Earth,” Thor adds. “I am sorry I wronged you. I never realized how arrogant I was until the damage was done. If only I had realized it sooner – I might have been able to change things. I do not think less of you, Loki. You probably never realized this, but I felt jealous of you at times.”

I look at Thor in surprise. “Jealous? Of me?” Impossible!

“You are cunning, Loki. The only way I can solve a situation is by force. But you… You are sly.” A thoughtful look appears on Thor’s face. “Just think what an unstoppable force we would be, if only we worked together.”

That thought never crossed my mind before, because I never considered forming a team with my brother. I feel dazed, and I guess it shows on my face, judging by Thor’s amused smile. 

“Loki…”

Frigga spoke and I turn my attention to her, looking at the person I always thought of as my mother. She’s the only mother I ever knew – ever will know as I have no idea what happened to Laufey’s wife. I probably look damn insecure, because suddenly, she wraps her arms around me and pulls me into an embrace. I freeze upon her touching me and can’t move. Her reaction makes me feel breathless. How can she still accept me, knowing I tried to kill her husband? 

“You are my son,” she says. “A mischievous son, but I have always known that.”

Her comment helps me relax and waveringly, I look at her. “How can you still want me? I don’t understand. After all the horrible things I did!”

“You needed to learn a lesson – like Thor did,” Odin says calmly. “I must admit though that yours was harder and more dangerous for me. If you had not killed Laufey…”

So we’re going to discuss the matter after all. “You knew what was happening around you.”

Odin nods. “I did not intend to set you up. The Odinsleep happened unexpectedly. I had hoped I could postpone it, but then you called me upon your heritage and I was weaker than I thought.”

I cast a quick look at Thor. “I reckon that means you know about my heritage as well?”

Thor nods. “Father told me. And we will discuss it in depth, but not now.”

“And you accept this? Can you accept a Frost Giant living here?” His reply means much to me and I don’t know how I’ll react should he reject me.

“Loki, you are still the brother I grew up with. The one who loved to pull pranks on me and get me mad with rage. I love you still. As far as I am concerned, you are my brother and their son,” he says, inclining his head toward Odin and Frigga. 

“I find it hard to believe that you would welcome me back into the family so easily,” I tell Odin, gaining more confidence. “I tried to kill you! I tried to kill Thor!”

“Actually, you –did- kill me. Without Mjolnir, I would not have survived.”

“Thank you, Thor, for making my life even more miserable!” Stupid, irritating, annoying, stuck up excuse for a brother!

“Brother, I was only stating the truth.” Something in Thor’s voice makes me look at him and I’m surprised to find a broad smile on his face. “You bested me! Enjoy it, for you will never best me again!” Thor exclaims, still in that arrogant voice of his, but he’s also smiling. 

Suddenly he grabs my shoulder, pulls me close, and hugs me. Damn, not again! “Thor, back off!” This is starting to get embarrassing! 

“We have all changed,” Frigga states, “And for the better. Which is good.”

She’s right; looks like we all changed. And because of that, they can accept me back into the family and I won’t be cast out, like I feared. How remarkable is that?

//

It’s only a short way from Odin’s chambers to mine and walking this passageway makes me feel odd. I feel like I don’t belong here anymore.

“Do I sense gloomy thoughts, brother?”

Thor decided to accompany me, although I have no idea why. I expected him to head for Jane right away. “Does that surprise you? Why –did- I come back in the first place?” Ah, yes, because Fay made me. “I don’t belong here anymore.”

“Do not say such a thing!” Thor says rather loudly. “You –do- belong here. You are my brother. You belong at my side.”

Thor’s uncharacteristically passionate outburst causes me to study him. Thor seems genuinely happy that I have returned to Asgard. “You might be wrong about that.” Thor comes to a halt, takes hold of my shoulders, and turns me to face him. I can’t help but wonder what has gotten into him. 

“Loki, I have not said this in a long time, and I regret that, but you are my brother and I love you. Everything was simple when we were children. Our problems did not start until we reached majority. I never wanted you to feel inferior. I am still angry with myself for making you feel like that. Do you not know that I need you? You complete me. And I regret not appreciating that.”

Such a speech is unusual for Thor, but it shows the depths of his feelings for me. “I’m sorry,” I whisper and a nervous twitch twists my face momentarily. “I never realized that. You always told me to remember my place and when we grew older you seemed to prefer other company above mine.” Since Thor has a tight hold on me I can’t avoid this confrontation and maybe it’s good that everything comes into the open now. 

“Will you try again? Can we start anew? Loki, I do not want to be without you. Let us try again and repair the damage we did in the past. I do believe we can regain the depths of our friendship – our brotherhood. I do not want to let that go.”

If it means that much to him, I guess I can try. Not to mention the fact that I would love to rebuild that relationship again as well. “We can try,” I tell him eventually at which he hugs me again. “You need to stop doing that though!”

“Why, brother? I should have done so more often in the past.”

Thor is as annoying as ever, but damn, I like him that way; I actually welcome his new attitude. We resume walking and arrive at my rooms.

“Remember, we will celebrate your return later. Be ready!”

Thor playfully slaps my shoulder and then walks off – the big oaf. I open the door and step into my rooms – not home. It never was and never will be home.

“Ah, there you are. You kept me waiting!” Fay’s on the bed –where else? - and pats the space next to her. “Hop on, Your bed is perfect.”

I arch an eyebrow at her. Even here, where she’s a stranger in a strange land, she orders me about. I sit down next to her and watch her slip her hand into mine. She twines our fingers and a sense of calm and peace descends on to me. How I love her for having that effect on me!

“I take it, everything went well? It doesn’t look like you got exiled.”

I smile at her, lift her hand to my lips, and kiss her fingers one by one. The act earns me an adoring smile and makes me realize how much I need her close. “They forgave me. I never expected them to accept me into the family again, but they want me to stay. Thor apparently feels guilty about the way he treated me in the past. I’m tired though of everyone blaming themselves for the things I did.”

“There are two sides to each story, Loki. You shouldn’t carry the entire blame. They made mistakes too and it’s good that they acknowledge that.”

Fay leans back, lets herself fall onto the bed, and pulls me along. This time, I end up straddling her. “We can’t! Not here!” I feel watched, uncomfortable, and slightly paranoid. I simply can’t be intimate with her here. She cups my cheek in her hand, caresses my face, and nods knowingly. “I’m sorry, but this feels wrong. -You- don’t feel wrong, but…this…” I gesture at our surroundings. 

“You need time to feel at home again,” she says. “It’s understandable. Don’t worry about it. But how about a kiss? Just a kiss?” she says and wiggles an eyebrow.

“I think I can manage a kiss,” I whisper and kiss her lips. I –do- hope though she won’t ask me to make love to her for I can’t possibly do that.

//

“I wish you would accompany me to dinner.” I want her at my side, but Fay’s been remarkable hesitant to do so. “Do you want me to beg?” I’m not sure I said that merely in jest; I will go to great lengths for her to join me. Fay closely eyes me and I know why she’s giving me that look; I decided to dress in my uniform of old for dinner – sans the helm though – no need for that. “Please?”

She draws in a deep breath and continues to study me. “I’ll indulge you,” she says eventually and still strangely hesitant. “But I can’t guarantee your father will like having me at his table.”

“Is that it? Don’t worry about my father!” I doubt he’ll be particularly interested in her. “He’s much too curious about Jane.”

“Which is a good thing, but still…” She sighs again, this time rather dramatically. “I wish you would reconsider.”

“I need you at my side.”

“Good, I’ll come along.”

Her expression however tells me that she doesn’t like joining my family for dinner and I wish I knew why.

//

I stop walking and stand close to the doorway in order to take in the situation in front of me. Odin has already met Jane and is now talking to her in a friendly and indulging way. Thor sits in-between the two of them and smiles. Frigga leans in closer, in order to hear what Jane is saying and again, I feel left out. Fay however seems to pick up on my changing mood and takes hold of my hand, which she squeezes. She’s still dressed in her bleached jeans and white shirt, although Frigga sent her several outfits to choose from. Contrary to Jane, who’s wearing a brown dress with golden embroiled details. “We don’t belong here,” I whisper to Fay. “Look at them – it’s a perfect family.” Fay however straightens her shoulders and gives me a look filled with expectation. She won’t allow me to run from this scene and will make me face everyone. I cough softly in order to announce our presence and the conversation stops at once. Thor looks at me, laughs warmly, and gestures for us to sit down at the table. 

“Brother! Join us! Tonight we will make merry and celebrate your return!” 

Frigga nods, raises her hand, and points at the two chairs beside her. “Yes, sit down,” she says.

I’m about to approach the table when I notice the way Odin’s eyeing Fay. Never before did I see that particular expression on his face. He looks like he’s ready to do battle. “Father?”

“Whom do you bring to my table? “ Odin’s right hand, the one which usually wields his sword or Gungnir, spasms in an odd way. His voice trembles and he is still staring at Fay. I quickly look at her to find out if she feels offended, but she’s smiling – it’s that deceptively sweet smile of hers that warns me something is wrong.

“I’m Fay, Allfather.”

The voice is Fay’s, and yet, it’s not. I blink as if to clear my vision, but Odin and Fay are still staring at each other. It feels like they’re fighting a war without movement, without words, without any telltale signs, and yet I know something is happening between them. 

“Loki chose to be with me,” she adds, almost daring him to object.

I stand in awe and watch the exchange. Thor noticed the odd mood as well and now eyes both in turn; Fay and Odin. Thor’s eyes seek out mine and I shrug slightly. I have no idea what this is about, I tell him, touching his mind. I’m as confused as you. Thor nods and seems about to rise – ready to intervene if necessary. 

“I hope you find no fault with his choice, Allfather.”

Her words imply a challenge and I wish I had listened to her and hadn’t asked her to accompany me. It almost seems like they know each other and feel hostile towards each other, but that’s impossible. Whatever passes between them escapes me, but then Odin’s shoulders slump forward as if he lost the battle. 

“You are welcome in my house and at my table,” Odin says, but in a way I never heard him speak before – almost shattered. “If my son chose you as his mate I will accept that.”

Brother, what is happening? I feel like some communication passed between Fay and our father – a conversation we were not privy too, Thor remarks.

I concur. You’re right. I feel the same way… and trust me, I’ll ask her about it… but this isn’t the right time for that. I guide Fay to her chair, wait for her to seat herself, and then sit down in-between her and my mother. 

“Drink,” Odin says after filling up a goblet with mead and offering it to Fay. “Let us drink and remember how fortunate we are that Loki returned to Asgard.”

I watch Fay closely and wonder if she’ll accept the drink. She takes hold of the goblet, raises it, and locks gazes with Odin. “To the lost son, returned, the brother, wiser now, the mother, loving as always and the Allfather who resides over everything.”

The tight tension is getting to me and I feel adrift without knowing how to steer myself into safety. The look Thor gives me tells me that he feels the same way. Suddenly, Fay leans back, smiles, at nods at Odin. “All is well in the House of Odin.”

Odin seems to relax as well and nods in turn. “All is well indeed.”

I wish I knew what happened between them just now. Fay asked me to be patient, but I’m not sure how much more of this nerve wrecking moments I can take!

//

The evening ends much more relaxed than it started – thankfully. After their initial altercation both Fay and father calmed and relaxed. When we take our leave, everything seems in order between them. I don’t trust the calm though. Thor gives me another look and sends me his thoughts. 

Brother; I do not feel at ease… Something is wrong. 

He doesn’t need to tell me that Fay is the reason why things are uneasy. I’ll try to find out more, I promise. “Please forgive us, but it’s time for us to leave. Thank you for dinner, father.” Mother gives me an adoring smile and Odin grumbles into his beard. I get to my feet and Fay follows my example. After casting one last look at Thor and nodding, I lead Fay to the doorway. Her hand slips into mine; her skin feels cool and not clammy at all. She’s in control of whatever transpired earlier tonight. 

The moment the door closes behind us, I wet my lips and try to find a way to address what happened during dinner, but I can’t. I can’t seem to think of a good way to question her. Fay merely squeezes my fingers and we continue our way to my rooms. Once we’re inside, and the doors closed behind us, Fay moves to the bed, steps out of her boots, slides down her jeans, and disposes of her shirt. She slips into bed and gives me an expectant look. “Fay,” I start in a rather pleading voice, which puts me at a distinct disadvantage I’m afraid.

“I know that you want answers, That you want to know what happened and why,” She closes her eyes, turns onto her right side, and pulls the sheet up to her shoulders. “You must also understand that it’s not easy for me to tell you about certain matters. The time is not right yet, you see. I can’t tell you what you need to know.”

I sit down on the side of the bed and cock my head in order to study her. “Is there anything you –can- tell me?”

“Lose those clothes and join me, find out.”

I consider her request and then remove my uniform. I feel better now that I’m no longer wearing that outfit as it no longer suits me. I don’t feel like Loki – son of Odin – anymore. Naked, I slip between the sheets. She moves into my arms and presses a kiss onto my brow. 

“I can’t tell you much, Loki. Everything I’ll share with you will only raise more questions. I regret that the time isn’t right yet. You’ll find out in time. It won’t be long now.”

“Fay… Why did father react that strongly upon seeing you?” I decide to take a chance. The worst thing she can do is throw me out of my own bed!

Fay draws in a trembling breath, but then says, “Because we met before and he found himself at a distinct disadvantage. Loki, don’t ask more questions. I can’t tell you yet.”

“You met before?” I blink in surprise. How can they have met before? I know that my father visited Earth, but he didn’t go there for the last decades. Or he must have done so without telling his family. “You know my father?”

Fay nods. “But I rather make love to you than discuss Odin.”

“I’m sorry, but I can’t. Not here.” It’s the truth. “I want to, but…” She raises her arm, caresses my hair, and slides her fingers into the strands. She seems to understand why I feel hesitant to be intimate and I’m grateful for it. “Like you, I want to make love to you, but something holds me back.”

“It’s okay, Loki. Neither one of us is perfect, and it’s right that way.” She closes her eyes, moves closer to me, and uses my shoulder as a pillow. “I promise you, Loki. You won’t have to wait much longer.”

I need to accept that as I can’t force her to confide in me. “I’ll wait for you.”

“Loki, I want to ask you something.” Her eyes open again. “I thought Thor and Mjolnir were inseparable. Why haven’t I seen his hammer today? And Odin, doesn’t he keep Gungnir close?”

I have no idea why she’s asking these particular questions, but now that I come to think of it, she’s right. Normally, Thor wouldn’t leave Mjolnir out of his sight. And father always keeps Gungnir close. He didn’t do so tonight; I remember the way my father’s hand had twisted, as if missing holding Gungnir. It’s a formidable weapon and he would entrust it to no one. So where is Gungnir? “I don’t know,” I whisper slowly. 

“Maybe you should find out,” Fay suggests before snuggling up to me again.

Damn her for managing to distract me. Although I still want to know how it’s possible that she met my father before, my need to find out why Thor’s without Mjolnir is even stronger. And to whom did father entrust Gungnir? And why would he part with it?

//

I know she’s awake, yet she pretends to be asleep. I could call her upon it, but know she’s doing it for a reason. I turn away from the bed and pick up my uniform – the clothes I wore for years. Green is the colour of envy, but also of hope. I slip into the pants and shirt, but decide to put the cloak aside. I have changed and I need my clothes to show that. 

“Don’t stall, Loki. You know they’re waiting for you.”

Fay stopped pretending and looks at me. She looks seductive, with just enough skin showing from beneath the sheet. Her black hair shines and curls mischievously. “Who’s waiting for me?”

“Thor and your father. You need to talk to them.”

“How do you know that?” Instead of just thinking it, I actually voice my question, something I didn’t do before.

“Call it instinct, love,” she says and stretches. “I won’t accompany you this time around. There’s no need to make Odin feel even more on edge than he already does.”

I walk over to the bed, sit down next to her, and smooth a strand of black hair away from her face and behind her ear. “What is it about you that makes me trust you?”

“We’re kindred spirits, Loki.”

“Are we?” I speak my mind again, instead of keeping my thoughts to myself. “How can you feel akin to me?”

She merely smiles coyly. “Trust me on this, Loki.”

Indulgently, I roll my eyes at hearing that remark. “You ask for much.”

“But not too much – you can do this for me.”

I nod. “Only because I love you.”

“And I love you. Now get moving. Time’s running out for you.”

Her cryptic remark does the trick. I press a kiss onto her brow, make my way over to the door, and leave my rooms. I can’t deny being curious; I need to know what those hints are all about.

//

I run into Sif and Volstagg on my way to the throne room and I do my best to ignore them. I hear Sif whisper behind my back and hang onto my composure as I don’t want to start a fight. I can practically feel Volstagg’s gaze boring into my back, but I continue my way. I won’t give them the satisfaction of knowing that their presence unnerves me. 

The guard opens the door and I step into the throne room. I entered it from the back so I don’t have to cross the long distance to get to the throne, where Odin’s sitting. Huginn and Muninn sit at Odin’s right and left side and screech at seeing me. Apparently the birds also like the fact that I’m back. They don’t fly towards me though, which is odd. In the past they would fly toward me in greeting. 

Odin, who’s talking to Thor, raises his head and looks at me. The strange expression on his face is back and I wish I knew what he was thinking about. Unexpectedly, claws bury into my shoulder and a weight settles there. A deep, gurgling call sounds close to my ears, telling me Nuada found me. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean for him to come along.” He must have escaped Fay’s supervision!

Odin draws in a deep breath and raises his right hand. “Ravens always liked you, Loki, I am not surprised that one chose you as its master.”

“Master? The bird doesn’t belong to me. Nuada is Fay’s.”

Thoughtfully, Odin continues to look at me. “Loki…” 

He doesn’t finish whatever he wanted to say, which surprises me. Normally father always speaks his mind. 

“Let us discuss the bird another time. I am afraid you returned at an inopportune time.”

For the first time, I notice the lines of worry on my father’s face. Something’s wrong. I can only hope he’ll confide in me. “What happened during my absence?” I thought everything would be well – Asgard should have been at peace with me gone. Looking closer, Fay’s questions return to me. Thor doesn’t carry Mjolnir and I can’t see Gungnir anywhere either. “Is it because of something I did?”

“No,” Thor says. “You are not to blame.”

“Then what is it?” What’s eluding me? 

“During your absence, an unholy alliance formed,” Odin says. “Our enemies, the Dwarves struck an alliance with the Giants.”

“The Frost Giants?” Will my past continue to haunt me?

“No, not them,” Odin replies as he gestures me to come closer. 

I step closer and stand next to Thor, who looks equally worried. “Will you tell me?” Do they still trust me? Or will they shut me out? 

“We had dealings with Hrungnir in the past. You know that,” Odin says as he rises from his throne.

He’s right; we had dealings with the Giant before. Thor, to be exact. Hrungnir hates the Asgardians and tried more than once to undermine Odin’s power. “What did he do this time?”

“The Giants assembled and chose Hrungnir as their leader. Their King. Hrungnir has worked hard on installing his hatred in this followers and he has succeeded. He also gained the Dwarves as his allies. Together, they present a significant force.”

I never expected for any of this to happen. The last time I spied on the Giants and Dwarves they had shown no sign of revolt. 

“You know about the powerful magic of the Dwarves, Loki.” Odin looks troubled – truly troubled. “Sindri and Brok are masters of their craft, but their hearts are evil. They gained a large following and convinced their kin to ally themselves with Hrungnir. Sindri and Brok used their magic to construct a device that enabled someone to sneak into Asgard – into my private chambers to be exact.” Odin looks tired and stops talking.

Thor however picks up where our father left off. “Somehow they sneaked into father’s chambers and stole Gungnir. We do not know how they hid themselves from the guards’ eyes, or from Heimdall’s, but they did.”

“Gungnir? They stole your spear?” I can’t believe what I’m hearing. Gungnir is a very powerful weapon; I should know it, I wielded it. Without it, Odin lost a considerable advantage in battle. 

“Yes, they stole it.” Odin paces slowly and it shows how agitated he is. “I never noticed anything.”

“Then they sneaked into my rooms,” Thor continues and the anger on his face takes me aback. “And stole Mjolnir as well.”

These are bad tidings indeed. “They stole both weapons and got away with it?” Losing Gungnir does not merely weaken Odin’s position. The loss weakens Asgard in total. And to make matters even worse, Mjolnir appears lost as well. Those two weapons are Asgard’s primary means of defence. “Asgard is practically unprotected!”

“Yes,” Odin confirms. “We can still rely on our army of course, but if our enemies were to use Gungnir and Mjolnir against us, we would not stand a chance.”

My thoughts race. “They can’t use your weapons against you. Mjolnir only obeys Thor’s command and only the rightful King of Asgard can wield Gungnir.” It’s the only reason why I was able to use Gungnir’s powers to attack Thor, because at that moment in time, I was Asgard’s legal ruler. 

“But their magic is strong, Loki! What if they find a way to put a spell on our weapons so they can use them against us? It is my greatest fear, my son!”

Slowly, I begin to understand the true extent of the trouble we’re in. If Odin is right, and the Dwarves find a way to master those two weapons, Asgard will be at the enemy’s mercy. “We must stop them and retrieve Mjolnir and Gungnir.”

Thor nods. “We thought about that as well, brother, but who can beat the Giants’ strength and Dwarves’ magic? Father cannot possibly leave Asgard! I volunteered to go, as Mjolnir only obeys me, but I cannot do this on my own.”

My eyes narrow in suspicion, realizing where this is going. 

“I suggested taking Sif and the warriors three along, but if all else fails we need them to organize Asgard’s defences.”

Thor sounds defeated, and although I’m running into this with eyes wide open, I can’t stop myself. “I can help.” Damn, why can’t I keep my big mouth shut? It’s not like me to volunteer for a mission which can only end badly. 

“No,” Odin says at once. “I forbid it. Now that you have returned to us, I refuse to expose you to such danger. Besides, I need you here, at my side.”

“You see,” Thor adds, “there is no other way. I must go to Hrungnir’s stronghold to retrieve our weapons. I am not sure I will succeed, as I am defenceless against the magic of the Dwarves. You know how dangerous and lethal they are.”

“No,” I state calmly, even though I feel like I have been set up. “You won’t go alone. I will accompany you. You can take out the Giants and I’ll deal with the sneaky Dwarves.” They are fearsome opponents though; I had dealings with Sindri and Brok in the past and they hate me with a vengeance. I outsmarted them and they bear me a deep grudge.

“No, it is too dangerous for you, if they get their hands on you… They never forget. They still remember how you tricked them.”

I hear an edge of pride to my father’s voice which I never detected before. “I tricked them before – I can do it again.”

Odin sits down and watches me for a long time. Nuada doesn’t like being observed and leaves my shoulder. The bird circles the hall and then settles down in the shadows. Odin then directs his gaze to Thor, considering everything he heard. His ruling will be final, I know that.

“So be it,” Odin says and sighs deeply. “The two of you will leave for Thrym’s court. You will find Hrungnir there, without doubt guarding his trophies. Be aware of the Dwarves’ tricks at all times, Loki, for their revenge will be terrible if they get their hands on you.”

“They won’t,” Thor promises and his hand settles on my shoulder. “Loki will outsmart them and I will fight off anyone who dares to attack us.”

“Your faith is heart-warming,” I say in a slightly sarcastic tone, “but father is right. This journey will be dangerous – extremely dangerous.” Odin meets my gaze and nods. Thor might not realize the dangers that lie ahead of us, but our father does, and so do I.

//

“Tell me,” Fay says when I join her in my rooms again. I had expected her to explore Asgard, but instead she seems to prefer to stay here. I still wish she would tell me why her presence upset my father that much. “Spit it out, Loki.”

I sit down next to her; Nuada flies over to us and settles on a chair’s armrest. His beady eyes show displeasure. “Our old enemies – the Giants and Dwarves – joined forces and succeeded in stealing Gungnir and Mjolnir. Without those weapons, Odin’s position is weakened and we might not be able to fight off an attack. Someone needs to retrieve those weapons.” Her eyes narrow and her lips turn into a tight line. “I offered them my help. I can’t allow Thor to march into hostile lands alone.” I hope we’re not heading towards an argument, for I intend to keep my word and support Thor in this matter. Her hand sneaks into my lap and squeezes my knee.

“I approve of your decision, Loki. I believe it’s the right thing to do; to aid your brother. I worry though.”

“What about?” I’m relieved she’s accepting this. I would have hated having to fight her over this as it is important to me.

“I don’t worry about the Giants. Yes, they’re strong, but seldom intelligent. Thor can take them out, even without Mjolnir, but I –do- worry about the Dwarves.”

She speaks of them in a way which implies she had dealings with them in the past. I’m still trying to find a way to voice my thoughts in a non-confronting way when she resumes speaking. 

“You must be careful around them, Loki. They aren’t fools and will expect someone to come after them. Thor, of course, but once they hear that you have returned they’ll also take measures in case you should tag along.”

“I shall be careful,” I promise her. “I have no desire to lose my head.” I grin. “The Dwarves hate me because I tricked them into making the most gorgeous artefacts for me. I told them I didn’t believe they could do it. The prize was my head. They won the bet and wanted my head. They wanted to cut it from my body, but I tricked them! You see, I never gave them permission to touch my neck so my head remained where it belonged!” I chuckle softly and see a smile on her face – as well as worry though. 

“Should they succeed in capturing you, they’ll make you pay for embarrassing them.”

I know that. “That’s why I plan on being extremely careful.”

“When will you leave?” She climbs onto my lap and wraps her legs around me in a possessive way. 

“Shortly, Thor wants to tell Jane in person and take his leave from her. He’ll knock once he’s ready.”

“I don’t want you to go, but I know you must," she says and sighs. 

“I don’t want to be without you either. I’ll greatly miss you. You’re important to me and I can’t imagine having to do this without you at my side.” She smiles, licks across my lips, and rests her brow against mine. I love having her close like this.

You won’t be alone, Loki. Maybe in body, but I’ll remain with you in spirit.

I’m shocked to hear her thoughts in my head. Until now, Thor was the only one I could communicate with in that way. How can this be?

You wanted me to reveal myself to you – I can’t do that yet – not entirely, but I can give you this. I’m always only a thought away. Think of me and I’ll hear you.

Still rather stunned, I swallow hard. “I never realized you were capable of this.”

“As I said, my secrets are mine to keep, but you’ll know them all before long. Just be patient a little longer, love.”

I’ll do my best, although patience has never been my strongest character trait. It does reassure me though that I can keep in touch with you. 

I wouldn’t have let you to leave without establishing this mental connection. I need you too, Loki. This goes both ways.

That’s good to know. I feel more comfortable leaving her behind in Asgard, knowing she’s only a heartbeat away.

//

Thor knocks on my door a few minutes later and it makes me realize that I should get to my feet and get moving. I stall though, feeling much too comfortable with Fay occupying my lap. “I need to go.”

“Then go, I’m not stopping you.” She slips from my lap, takes hold of the sheet, and wraps it around her body. “Thor’s waiting,” she points out to me.

“You mystify me.” Each time when I think I have her figured out, she surprises me again. I never expected her to agree with me joining Thor, but she’s only one step close from kicking me out of my rooms. I kiss her on the lips, get to my feet, and walk toward the door. “I’ll be back shortly.” 

“Loki, before you leave. Take Nuada with you. He’s a great spy and you might need his services.”

I frown. “But Fay, how can he spy for me when I don’t know what he wants to tell me?”

“You can communicate with him, Loki. Much like you communicate with me. You merely need to figure out how and I have faith in you.” 

I wish I had that much faith in me! “I’ll take him along then.” The moment I finish speaking the words, Nuada flies towards me and claims his spot on my shoulder. He croaks into my ear – rather loudly. “There, I have no idea what he’s trying to tell me!”

“That’s because you’re listening with your ears and not with your heart – you need to listen to him like you listened to the world that one night when I took you outside. When you heard the snow fall.”

Thor knocks again – harder this time. “I’m sorry Fay, but I don’t have time for this now. I’ll be back!” I call out to her. “I love you!” Thor can probably hear me, but I don’t care.

I love you too, Loki, and remember… You can always call to me. I’ll answer.

//

Thor eyes me curiously as we make our way through the passageway. “Say it.” I challenge him, knowing he’ll turn even more annoying if he keeps everything inside. 

“I wonder about you, brother. Did you ever care about a woman to such a degree before?”

Our trip to Thrym’s court will take three days at the least and that is if we travel at a high speed. Unfortunately I can’t take us there using the astral pathways as the Dwarves undoubtedly used their magic to secure it from intruders. “I never cared about a woman before, Thor. She’s special.” Thor nods; he’s probably thinking about Jane. He had a fling with Sif, but it never turned into something serious. 

“My sons!” 

Odin stands near the gate that guards Asgard from intruders. He looks tired; I know that being without Gungnir weakens him as the weapon is a source of his power. I’m surprised to see Sleipnir next to him, prancing impatiently. Seeing Sleipnir awakens memories and an old pain. I steel my heart and lock those feelings away.

“Father,” Thor looks determined, but I sense his nervousness. He might refuse to show it, but he knows how dangerous our mission is. “We will return with Gungnir and Mjolnir!”

“I do hope so,” Odin says thoughtfully. “But remember, I rather have both of you returned to me safely than you getting injured or worse, murdered. I want both of you to come back.” Odin’s gaze travels to Nuada and a soft smile appears on his feature. “You always wanted one of your own, Loki. It seems to me that your wish has been granted.”

I roll my eyes, but refrain from commenting. We’re stalling and should leave. We need to go after our enemies.

“Walking will take too long.” Odin remarks. “Sleipnir can take you there fast. You should arrive at Thrym’s court in three days if you ride well.”

So that’s why Sleipnir is here. “Thor can ride him.” I refuse to do so for personal reasons.

“What about you then?” Thor asks. “We can share Sleipnir. He can carry us both.”

“Yes, he can, but I would rather not. Do not worry about me. I have my own ways of transportation.” Thor doesn’t need to know why I’m hesitant to ride Sleipnir and Odin will never tell him, so my secret is safe.

“Loki, Thor, be careful when stepping into the lands of the Giants. Keep your eyes open and distrust all,” Odin advises. “The Dwarves’ magic is strong and they will trick you.”

“We won’t allow them to trick us,” I reply in a stern voice. “And we should be on our way now.” 

Odin nods and smiles at us. “Return as quickly as you can – with our without Gungnir and Mjolnir. Know that you are more important to me than those weapons.” Odin embraces first Thor and then me – in a gesture that is totally uncharacteristic for him. “I love both of you.”

I need to leave right now as I don’t want to embarrass myself by turning emotional. “Thor, we’re leaving.” Odin signals the guards to open the gate and Thor slides onto Sleipnir’s back. Sleipnir elegantly moves away from Odin and toward the hills, ignoring me for the moment. I know it’s all pretence though. Sleipnir must feel as uncomfortable as I do.

“What about you, brother?” 

I move Nuada onto my hand, throw him into the air, and say, “You need to fly, my friend.” A moment later, I concentrate and change my shape the way I did that night when I took on the guise of a wolf. That form won’t do here though and I decide to recreate myself after Sleipnir –maybe because I need to show him my respect. Where Sleipnir’s coat is as black as coal though, mine turns as white as snow. In a way, travelling like this seems appropriate. Sleipnir finally looks at me, but the expression in his eyes is impossible to read. Next to me, I actually hear Thor draw in his breath in surprise. 

“Loki?” Thor blinks, watches me, and blinks again. “I did not know you were capable of such a thing.”

I look over my shoulder and meet Odin’s knowing gaze. He seems to approve of my decision as he nods. It’s not the first time he sees me in this form and, in a way, this brings back painful memories. Odin doesn’t seem to recall what happened in the past, which is rather typical for him. What ripped my heart apart is hardly worth recalling to Odin. I need to get away from him –now. What are we waiting for, Thor? We’re wasting precious time. I stretch my legs, all eight of them, and move forward. Sleipnir follows at once and galloping next to each other, we head for hostile lands.

//

Thor, I must rest. We have been travelling non-stop and at high speed. Sleipnir is used to the frantic pace, but to me, it’s new. Running tires me and I need to catch my breath. 

“Rest we shall!” Thor announces as he signals Sleipnir to come to a halt. He slips off the stallion’s back and sets it free to graze. We’re in an open space and will see our enemies approach – it’s a good spot to rest. Sleipnir moves away from us, but remains in sight, every so often casting a look into our direction. I change back to my normal self and promptly my knees give out beneath me. I drop onto the grass and try to catch my breath. The next time, I will choose a different form – that of a raven maybe. Nuada doesn’t seem overly tired as it settles down on a nearby branch. 

“Brother, are you well?” Thor hurries over toward me and squats in front of me. “I shall make fire and supply dinner. You stay here and rest.”

I manage a weak smile. Damn, I feel appallingly weak. Had I known shape shifting would require so much energy I would have decided differently, but it’s too late now. “Don’t worry about me. I merely need a moment to catch my breath.” 

From the corner of my eye I watch Thor as he gathers firewood. He arranges the branches and gives me a hopeful look. I know what he wants from me and I exhale, sending my breath toward the firewood. Small droplets of fire drop onto the branches and Thor nurses it until the fire burns strongly. Thor reaches for the pouch he carried on his back and removes bread and dried meat from it. I don’t need to look to Sleipnir in order to know that he’s staring at me – I can sense it.

“It’s not much, but it will keep the hunger at bay. I will hunt tomorrow.”

Thor’s actually quite good at catching rabbits, although I’m much better at it. I will let him hunt though as I want to save my strength. Thor hands me the food, but I put it aside, focusing on rebuilding my energy. I’ll eat later.

“You do not look well,” Thor says and moves closer in obvious concern. 

He sits close to me and unexpectedly wraps an arm around me. I sharply look at him, but he merely gives me one of those warm and charming smiles. “It was the first time I maintained a form for that long. And we ran at a high tempo. It tired me; that’s all.” Thor’s arm however stays in place and I find myself leaning into the touch, resting my upper body against his. He always made a nice pillow.

“In that case we will rest as long as necessary.”

I appreciate it, but worry about Hrungnir at the same time. The Giant bears Thor a grudge and will go to great lengths to get even with him. “You do realize we might not survive this?”

“We are gods, Loki. We always survive.”

But listening closely, I clearly hear the doubt in his voice. “Thor, do you realize we’re also given time away from everything and everyone? Until we arrive at Thrym’s court it’s just you and me.” That thought struck me suddenly and I didn’t realize it at first, but I relish the idea of having Thor to myself. Our relationship has changed; it’s still changing and being together like this will do us good.

“I thought about that too.” Thor tightens his hold on me and I savour his closeness. “Loki, when did everything start to fall apart? How could we have been so blind? How could we have allowed ourselves to drift apart? We were close once. As close as brothers can be.”

“Someone once told me that throughout life, the two most futile emotions are guilt for what has been done and worry about what might be done. We can cling to the past or let go and live in the present. What do you prefer? We made amends, Thor. We want to rebuild that old relationship. Isn’t that enough? Why drag up the past again?” I’ll discuss matters with Thor if he insists, but I’d rather would not. My eyes close due to exhaustion and I realize I’m about to slip into a healing sleep, which will replenish my strength. “Tired,” I whisper and I give into fatigue. “Later?”

“Later, brother. Rest now, I will watch over you.”

Hearing that makes me feel at peace and I allow myself to drift off into sleep.

//

Upon waking, the first thing I notice is the arm wrapped around me and the body supporting me. I assume it to be Fay, but then realize it’s Thor instead. Yesterday’s fatigue thankfully faded during the night and I feel rested now. Thor’s awake of course. He would never allow himself to sleep when he stands guard. “Had I woken up earlier, I would have stood guard so you could sleep too,” I apologize.

Thor however shakes his head. “Do not worry about it. I am not tired yet. I did a lot of thinking though – you do realize we need a game plan once we happen upon our adversaries? We can’t simply storm in there – although I regret that fact. I would have loved to do that.”

Thor’s comment makes me chuckle. “Without Mjolnir, even you are at a disadvantage facing them. No, brother, we need to be cunning if we want to beat them.” I don’t have a plan yet, but I’m sure it’ll come to me once the time is right. 

“We should continue our journey,” Thor says, but he doesn’t move yet. 

Does he relish having me close in turn? It might seem improbable, but I can’t dismiss it.

“If you feel rested that is. I would rather not tardy, but if you require more rest you will get it.”

I stare at Thor, realizing how much he must care for me. His reaction also shows how much he learned. In the past he would never have given me so much consideration. “We can proceed, Thor. This time, however, I will be smarter. I won’t exhaust myself again.” Thor gathers our belongings, watches me get to my feet and appears ready to catch me, should I still be weak in the knees, but I manage just fine. Sleipnir approaches, and this time I see concern in his eyes. The fact that I collapsed last night didn’t go unnoticed by him. I incline my head toward Sleipnir, telling Thor to get onto his back, and once Thor’s seated, I change my shape again. 

“Not another raven!” Thor exclaims, but I catch the mirth in his voice. 

I settle down on his shoulder and scan our surroundings. Nuada takes to the sky and impatiently urges us on by calling out to us. The main reason for me to assume another shape is that I don’t want the enemy to realize that I’m accompanying Thor. We need that advantage. Tell Sleipnir to move, brother, or I will.

Thor buries his heels into Sleipnir’s flanks and the stallion races forward, taking us closer to danger.

//

When night falls, Thor calls for another rest. He noticed a well-hidden cave, which will supply us with shelter, as it’s starting to rain. He steers Sleipnir into the cave and dismounts. His movement wakes me – to my shame I must admit I fell asleep while in the guise of a raven. I never noticed how much Nuada sleeps, but the moment the bird settles down in a corner of the cave he closes his eyes and goes to sleep. I fly toward the ground and while doing so, I shift back to my normal shape. It feels odd to have legs and arms again. I became used to the wings and beak and it serves me as a warning to never shift shape for too long.   
I cast a sad look at Sleipnir as he moves into the back of the cave to lie down and rest. Back then, I didn’t know about the dangers that came with shape-shifting and I made my share of mistakes – Sleipnir unfortunately being one of them.

“It’s good to see you again, brother,” Thor says. “I missed you.”

We were in touch the entire day, I comment, slipping back to speaking into his mind, as we did during the day. It’s quickly becoming second nature to me, and I shake myself, telling myself to stop doing so. “If we continue to travel at this pace we’ll arrive at Thrym’s court tomorrow evening. We’ll need a plan by that time.” I need to start thinking about a way to retrieve Mjolnir and Gungnir. “Or do you have a plan, brother?” Thor smiles innocently and I shake my head. “No, we can’t storm in there, bash everyone’s head in and march out with our trophies. That’s not an option!” We wouldn’t get far. We need to know the location of Mjolnir and Gungnir before we make a move. “I’m going to hunt,” I announce, as I feel full of energy. “I won’t be long.”

I don’t wait for Thor’s reply; change into the form of a wolf, and run out of the cave, relieved I can stretch my legs. Catching some rabbits doesn’t take long and after I gathered them in my mouth, I trod back toward the cave. I like being a wolf – I liked it that first time, and I like it again right now. 

I need a plan though if we want to retrieve Mjolnir and Gungnir. In the past, I always hatched my plans in private, but this time, I want Thor to be involved. I enter the cave, drop the rabbits in front of Thor’s feet, and change back to my normal form. I sit down, rest my back against the wall, and create fire in the centre of the cave. “I caught them, you get to prepare them!” I hate skinning them.

Thor doesn’t seem happy about it, but prepares them at any rate. He impales the rabbits on some branches and puts them above the fire so they can roast. He sits down close to me and I feel his gaze upon me. I sense countless questions in his mind, but choose to ignore them for now. I need to focus on beating the Dwarves and Giants. “We need a plan, Thor. Do you have any ideas except for marching in there?” Thor shrugs and gives me a look filled with confusion. The big oaf has no idea. “You need to retrieve Mjolnir and Gungnir while I provide a distraction.” To me, that makes the most sense. 

“Why can’t I distract them and you sneak into their lair? I can fight them off, but I am not sure you can handle them. And I do not mean that condescendingly. But they are Giants and you, well, you are sly, but not exceptionally strong.”

In the past, I wouldn’t have reacted well to such a remark, but these days, I understand that Thor means no harm. “Because only you can wield Mjolnir. Only you can lift it. What use is it when I sneak in there, locate the hammer, but can’t do a thing with it?”

Thor sighs, but then nods. “You are right. I did not think of that.”

“That’s why I do the thinking.” I can’t help pestering him. Thor takes it in stride though. “I’ll provide a distraction and you’ll sneak inside to retrieve Mjolnir. That’s your first priority. Once you possess the hammer, we can march in there, if that is what you want.”

“I see the wisdom to your plan, but I don’t like it. What if they overpower you?”

“I’ll keep them distracted just long enough for you to get inside. I don’t plan on fighting them for long.”

“What about Gungnir?”

“If you can get a hold of the spear, grab it, and take it with you. If you can’t, leave it behind. We can go back for it later. But you need to get a hold of Mjolnir!”

“Your plan makes sense,” Thor agrees, “but I do not think it wise that you face them alone.”

“Do you see anyone else present then, brother? It’s just you and me.”

“Maybe we should have taken Sif and the rest along,” Thor mumbles.

“No, they’re needed back home. We need to do this – alone.”

“How will we find out where they keep the weapons?”

“I’ve been thinking about that too,” I admit. I have an idea, but I’m not sure it’ll work. “Give me a little more time.”

“You have till tomorrow evening,” Thor says and moves closer toward me still. He offers me some of the rabbit and we eat in silence. Once I’m full, I continue to stare at the fire. “Do you want to rest, brother? It might be a wise thing to do, as I do not know when we will get that opportunity again.”

Now I understand why Thor moved closer. Thor raises an arm and looks at me, wordlessly telling me to rest against him. I want to decline, but then realize I don’t need to pretend disinterest any longer. Thor and I made our peace; there’s no reason to go back to our old ways. I rest my upper body against him and Thor wraps his arm around me. I feel comfortable like this and a sigh of contentment leaves my lips. “This reminds me of when we were young. When you would sneak into my bed and I would end up holding you.”

“I always liked that. I regret that we lost that sense of intimacy when we grew older.”

I close my eyes, soak up his presence, and sense the love in his mind. Feeling at peace, I let my mind drift. My thoughts calm, my heartbeat slows down, and suddenly Nuada sends out a deep gurgling call. Instead of looking at him in order to find out what caused that reaction, I reach out to him mentally and that’s when it happens. Suddenly I’m looking at myself; Thor’s holding me, the fire’s alight and I’m looking at myself through Nuada’s eyes. Is this it? Is this what Fay tried to tell me?

Loki, you figured it out. This is how you can find out about Mjolnir’s and Gungnir’s hiding place. Send in Nuada and see through his eyes. He’ll lead you.

Fay? I didn’t expect for you to hear me. I didn’t reach out – not consciously.

Loki, don’t you know that you’re always in my mind? Like I’m in yours. Your plan is sound, but Thor’s right. You’ll put yourself in grave danger.

What other way is there? It’s just the two of us, Fay.

Promise me that you won’t do anything until Nuada explored the lair, maybe I can provide a distraction. 

I’ll let you know when Nuada returns from scanning the castle.

That’s acceptable. And Loki? You’re right to enjoy Thor’s closeness. The two of you need to remember that you belong.

Then she’s gone and I open my eyes. Blinking, I stare into the fire.

“I thought you were asleep,” Thor remarks.

I cock my head and make eye-contact. Should I tell him what happened just now? Would Fay mind? No, she wouldn’t. “I wasn’t asleep, brother. I was talking to Fay.”

Thor’s eyes widen. “How can that be? I assumed you could only communicate with me in that manner.”

Thankfully I don’t hear any jealousy in his voice. “I only found out recently that I can communicate with her in that way too.”

“What did she say? Any news from home?”

“I didn’t ask her about that,” I regret having to inform him. “But she might be able to offer us some help. I don’t know in which form, but she urged us not to move too quickly. Nuada will spy out the castle for us. He can fly in there, find our weapons, and in that way, we’ll know where to find them.”

“Are you telling me that you can read his mind too?”

“Not exactly. His mind works with images, I see what he sees.” I understand how it works now. “He’ll quite literally show us the way in. I don’t dare flying in myself. If the Dwarves are there, they’ll have erected magical barriers and I don’t want to give us away just yet.” Thor’s hold on me tightens and I look at him in order to find out what’s ailing him. 

Thor moistens his lips in a nervous way, looks away from me, and draws in a deep breath. “I do not want to lose you a second time, brother.”

“You won’t,” I reassure him. “And you didn’t lose me to begin with. I returned, didn’t I?” The depths of his feelings for me continues to amaze me. I rest my head against his shoulder using it as a pillow, and stare into the fire. “All will be well. We’ll retrieve Mjolnir and Gungnir and take them back home. We must!” Without them, father is weakened and Asgard lacks two sources of its powerful defence. I close my eyes, allow my mind to drift again, and this time, I drift off into sleep.

//

The next morning, we leave early. We want to reach Thrym’s lair as quickly as possible, so Nuada can scout out the castle. This time, I change into a crow – what’s life without a little variation? – and take my place on Thor’s shoulder once more. Nuada however seems annoyed with me for assuming the guise of a crow and not that of a raven. I ignore him though. During our journey that day I continue to ponder our plans. I don’t know what kind of support Fay has in mind and until I know that, I can’t make any detailed plans.

“We are getting closer. If my memory serves me right, the castle sits behind that hill.”

Then we should be careful. I’ll send Nuada ahead to gather information. Nuada changes direction at hearing that and flies toward the hill. I focus my thoughts and my awareness changes again. I’m hovering above the hill and catch sight of the castle. Everything looks calm. No extra tumult. I don’t see any Giants, but I do see a number of Dwarves moving about in the court yard.

No Giants? That is odd. I expected them to guard the castle. Maybe it is a trap?

That’s very well possible. Thor, steer Sleipnir up that hill and to the right. There’s another cave we can use as a shelter. We don’t want them to see us just yet. Thor follows my advice, and once Sleipnir enters the cave, I change back. I stretch, and once again miss feeling my wings – and that, though I didn’t even use them. “We should remain extremely careful. I can’t believe they would make it that easy for us. It must be a trap.” Thor nods and seems to concur.

We don’t hunt. Instead, we eat the remaining bread and dried meat. We don’t speak much, but both of us keep a close eye on the entrance at all time. I don’t think they know we’re here, but we can’t take any risks. 

“I’ll send Nuada in at dawn. Hopefully he’ll find out where they’re hiding Mjolnir and Gungnir. Then we might take action tomorrow evening.”

Thor nods, but adds, “It vexes me that we did not see any Giants. Where are they? I assumed they would gather here. They must know that Odin will try to retrieve the stolen weapons.”

A terrible thought startles me. “You don’t think they’ll march for Asgard, do you?” Thor quickly looks at me and I see worry in his eyes. “It would explain their absence. It would be an excellent strategic move if they did, since Asgard lacks its prime defences.”

“If they are marching for Asgard we are in trouble.” 

Thor doesn’t like the idea either, but it’s the only thing that makes sense. “We must move tomorrow night, Thor, I don’t want to return home and find out Asgard has been destroyed.”

“Neither do I. Why don’t we make our move tonight then?”

“No, that would be hasty and we would make mistakes. Whether we like it or not, we must wait one more day.” Thor seems to be in need of reassurance and reaches for my hand. He curls his fingers around mine and draws it close to him. I wish I could offer him more comfort, but I can’t. We need to bide our time. Before we can make our move we need to know where to find Mjolnir and Gungnir. I also doubt that the help Fay promised will arrive in time. It does look like it’s up to Thor and me.

//

“Nuada, I want you to find Mjolnir and Gungnir. Don’t take any risks though.” In my mind, I repeat the order and add images of the hammer and spear. Nuada croaks as if to confirm he understands and then spreads his wings. I let my mind drift, and a moment later, my vision changes. I see what Nuada sees and feel slightly dizzy when he takes the sky and gains altitude.

“Do no fear! I have you!”

I must have swayed as Thor suddenly wraps his arms around me. “This is extraordinary, brother.”

“Tell me what you see.”

“The castle is guarded, much as we thought. I count five Giants and almost a dozen Dwarves. Nuada enters the throne room, which is empty. Hrungnir isn’t here. The castle is practically deserted. The Giants and Dwarves we saw are its sole guards.” I feel light-headed and grasp my brother’s arms with my hands, holding on tightly. “Nuada enters the tower now. The room is empty except for… Thor, we found them! Mjolnir and Gungnir, I see them.”

“Are there any guards?”

“Not up here. The room is empty. Wait, I will tell Nuada to fly closer. I can’t believe the Dwarves would be this careless. Maybe magic protects them.” I flinch the moment a red-hot sensation flashes before Nuada’s –and thus, my eyes. “They’re spell-bound. Protected by fire. That might actually work to our advantage. Fire is the only element I can manipulate.”

“Then we must desert our plan. Both of us need to sneak inside. I need you to do away with the fire, because otherwise I will not be able to get to Mjolnir.”

I tell Nuada to return to us as I don’t want to draw any attention. The bird remained undetected and I want to keep it that way. “We must rethink our plans.” Nuada descends and flies across the courtyard, enabling me to catch some of the conversation the Dwarves are having. “Thor,” does my voice tremble? I feel shaken all right. “They’re talking.”

“What are they saying?”

I listen closely and worry washes over me. “I was right, damned! I was right. Hrungnir marches for Asgard! He gathered his people and the Dwarves support him. Hrungnir’s army will reach Asgard in two days.” Shocked, my connection with Nuada shatters and I feel disorientated. Thankfully Thor is there to steady me and he lowers me onto the earth. I sit down and try to calm my raging heartbeat. 

Thor sits on his heels in front of me and watches me with obvious concern. “This is serious. The strength of Hrungir’s race, combined with the deadly magic of the Dwarves… How can Odin properly defend our home with Gungnir’s power? This greatly worries me.”

“We must make our move then. We cannot wait much longer.”

“We need to wait for the cover of darkness, Thor!” I hope he’ll listen, though Thor’s actions are often difficult to predict. Nuada returns and settles down on a branch close to us. “This complicates matters, Thor. You can’t go in alone as you can’t deal with the fire spell. And should I accompany you, I can’t distract them.”

“Then we must resort to my original, though least favourite, plan. We march in there.”

My instincts warns me against that; but it looks like our backs are against the wall! 

Loki, are you ready? Your distraction arrives shortly. Get ready!

“Loki?”

“Fay addressed me. She says that our distraction is about to arrive and that we should ready ourselves for action.” Why always the mystery? Why can’t she just tell me what to expect? Thor and I move as closely as we dare to the castle and use a series of trees and shrubberies to hide ourselves.

“Do you have any idea what will happen?”

Thor looks rather nervous and I don’t blame him. “I don’t – unfortunately!” I really need to talk to Fay about her way of doing things!

Melodic voices suddenly drift towards us. Female voices sing a rather hypnotic melody and I need to shake off their magic, which I sense in their voices. “Steady yourself, brother,” I tell Thor and shake him quite literally when he starts to fall under their spell. “Ancient magic is at work here.” I never sensed that particular kind of magic before and I’m convinced it’s not Asgardian by nature. Thor shakes off the effects and meets my eye. “I have no idea either,” I admit.

“Look over there,” Thor says and points at the foot of the hill, where Giants guard the entrance to the castle. 

I follow the direction of his stare and that’s when I discover them. Three female figures dancing towards the Giants. They’re naked. The only thing that covers them is their long hair. Black, red and blond. Hair that dances down their bare backs and bounces off the swell of their breasts. Their magic is strong and the Giants will succumb to them. 

“It is a great distraction,” Thor comments with a broad grin on his face. “Fay is smart. This will work.”

He’s right, but I still wonder about Fay – how did she manage to pull this off? And who are these magical creatures? The guards however don’t seem to worry and move toward them. They stand rooted to the earth and watch them dance and frolic about. The seductresses kiss each other, and when they do, more Giants and even Dwarves appear at the gateway. Drooling and groping the air with their hands.

“This is the moment we’ve been waiting for, brother. If we don’t try now, we’ll fail for sure.”

“You are right, Loki, lead on.”

Leading the way, I guide Thor into the castle using a back door. Recalling Nuada’s flight, I quickly find the right passageway and start for the tower. Even safely behind the castle walls, I can still hear their song and I feel their lure – their pull. “We won’t have to worry about any guards.”

“They are out there – watching them.”

We climb the stair case and I open the door. Thor sharply draws in his breath at seeing Mjolnir and Gungnir in the center of the room, resting on some sort of altar. “Don’t!” I hiss, the moment Thor reaches for his hammer. “Remember, fire protects it. You don’t see it, but the spell is intact – I sense it.”

Thor takes a step aside and gestures for me to move forward. “Then remove it. We are wasting precious time.”

“Gungnir isn’t protected by any spell. Get hold of it, Thor.” I don’t sense any magic surrounding the spear. Thor complies and curls his fingers around the spear. If only Thor were Asgard’s King, then he could use it. But I can’t allow myself to grow distracted – I need to focus. 

I narrow my mind, find the fire inside me, and nurture the flame until it becomes strong. I let it spread to my hands, hoping it will protect me. I reach for Mjolnir and the Dwarf’s spell comes alive. Flames arise around the hammer and try to stop me. Although Thor hisses, I hold onto the momentum I’m building and let the fire from my hands drip onto the hammer. Fire meets fire and angry echoes hiss through the room. This is a powerful spell and I’m not sure I can break it that quickly. “Thor, take Gungnir into safety. There’s no reason why we should both be caught.”

“I am not leaving your side, brother.” Thor moves toward the window at hearing commotion from the court yard. “Hurry, it is the Dwarves. Some of them did not fall victim to the spell and are hurrying here. We do not want to be here when they enter the tower.”

“I can’t break the spell just like that!” Sweat forms on my brow – noticing the craftsmanship that went into creating this particular spell. “This is Sindri and Brok’s doing.”

At that moment, the door opens and five Dwarves storm inside. Normally, they wouldn’t present a threat, but I’m caught up in carrying out a complicated spell and Thor is still without Mjolnir. I hiss at feeling the evil magic that surrounds their blades when they unsheathe their swords to fight Thor. Thor, leave! I can’t break off my spell like that, the fire would consume me!

No, Loki, I am not deserting you! Even though he can’t use Gungnir’s power, Thor uses the spear as an effective weapon none the less. 

A wall of magic crawls up on me from behind and pushes me away from Mjolnir. Looking up, I see Sindri standing there – his evil gaze trained upon my form. That Dwarf will do anything in his power to get his hands on me. Damn, Thor, don’t act the hero! Retreat, so you can help me later! Slowly I pull my fire back into me, but it’s too late! Sindri’s magic surrounds me and an enchanted silver net descends on to me, weakening me and bringing me to my knees. That net buzzes with foul magic. Now, Thor, before they capture you too! I summon the little magic I have left to catapult Thor toward the doorway and push him down the stair case. Go damn it!

Brother, no! 

I ignore his pleading and tell Nuada to fly after Thor and if necessary urge him on. Foul magic brought me down to my knees and when I raise my head, Sindri stands in front of me, smirking triumphantly. The filthy clothes reek of mud, his dirty hair clings to his angular face; his mere presence makes me nauseous. 

“I told you I would get my revenge one day,” Sindri says and points a dirtied finger at me. “And now, Loki, you will learn to regret not keeping your end of the bargain. I will not end your suffering quickly. Make no mistake, I will have your head, but first, I want to have some fun!”

The bad thing is that I know he means every word of what he says. I’m in trouble and my only hope is that Thor will find a way to free me.

///

I manage not to react at once when Fay storms into the throne room. It does not matter much to her that my wife, Heimdall, Sif, Volstagg, Hugon, and Fandral are also present. She storms towards me, her black hair flying and her eyes shoot icy daggers. 

“You!”

Everyone turns around and Sif especially seems to take offense at her presence. I should warn Sif not to stand in Fay’s way, but I am too late.

“You have no business here,” Sif states, blocking Fay’s path. “You are a mere mortal and were not invited to attend this council.”

I hope Sif won’t carry away any injuries from this confrontation! I am about to tell Sif to stand down when Fay reacts. A high-pitched scream, an odd mixture of a crow and a wolf’s call, echoes through the hall, catapulting from the walls. Huginn and Muninn react at once and take to the air, screaming back at her. The scream that left her lips has everyone stunned, Sif included. 

“Haughty and arrogant, that is what you are,” Fay says and points a finger at Sif. “Pray that you will never face me in battle.”

“Please calm down,” I can’t allow her to run havoc in my throne room. “Remember, Sif knows you only as Fay, as a mortal woman.” I wonder what happened that set Fay off. She behaved exceptionally well while Loki was here. Suddenly Heimdall moves. His eyes widen and he sharply draws in his breath.

“Allfather,” Heimdall starts and focuses his gaze on me. He doesn’t get a chance to finish though.

“Hangatýr,” Fay says, addressing me in an ancient way – I haven’t heard that name in ages. “We face a grave situation. The Dwarves caught Loki. Thor escaped, but Loki is their prisoner. And an army of Giants and Dwarves, lead by Hrungnir, marches for Asgard, ready to attack and destroy your home. ”

I look toward Heimdall to confirm her words, but I know that she will never lie to me. She doesn’t need to. Heimdall nods, and although his expression doesn’t change, I sense his concern. “These are bad tidings indeed,” I agree. Frigga moves closer to me, places her hand upon my shoulder, and gives me a curious look.

“What did she call you?” Frigga asks.

“Hangatýr,” I repeat. “That is the name she gave me centuries ago.” Both of us know that she can’t hide any longer. I don’t know why she chose to deceive Loki, but I know her well enough to know she must have a valid reason.

“Centuries ago?” Fandral looks at Fay in an odd way. “But she’s a mortal woman. She can’t be older than thirty human years.”

“I didn’t plan on revealing myself to you,” Fay says in an angry voice. “But it appears that I don’t have a choice.”

Sif blinks and I sense her growing awareness. “Are you saying you are –not- mortal?”

“We are all mortal,” Fay replies. ”Even gods die.” She walks toward me, comes to a halt in front of me, and challenges me by staring at me. “What will you do, Hangatýr?”

“I still do not understand. Why do you call him the hanged man?” Frigga asks her. My wife closes in on her and Frigga’s eyes narrow. 

“Did he never tell you how he acquired the wisdom of the runes? How he learned to cast and read them? For nine nights and nine days, pierced by his own spear, he hung from the World tree Yggdrasil. And why did he make that sacrifice? Because it was the price he had to pay in order to gain wisdom. Only then would I share my knowledge with him.” Fay raises her arms and moves her fingers through the air, drawing ancient symbols, which I know very well. The runes stay visible in the air for seconds, but then vanish.

“Who are you? What are you?” Heimdall asks unexpectedly. “I never saw you before. Like Loki you hide yourself from me.”

She cocks her head and looks at me – issuing another challenge. “Would you like to tell them, mighty Allfather?”

I hear the mockery in her voice and so do the warriors, whose forms grow even tenser. “If that is what you want.” I rise from my throne and lock eyes with her. Then I search my wife’s eyes and nod, indicating that I will share my knowledge with them. “She is not human – not mortal.”

Another scream pierces the air and her form vibrates, growing vague. I have seen her transformation before and know what to expect. The others however haven’t and Frigga moves closer to me in search of protection. “She stems from an ancient world. A world of female magic. She is called the Morrígan. A goddess of old. The goddess of war. Someone you want as your ally and –not- as your enemy.” Like the others, I stare at her. The air shimmers with energy and then her form materializes again. 

Her hair, although still black, is now streaked with bloody red strands. Her eyes, no longer green, are black on red. That red being the colour of fresh blood. Starting at her eyebrows and moving toward her ears, across her face, black feathers appeared. The feathers of a raven, or a crow. Her white shirt and jeans are gone. Most of her body is bare, though leather covers her chest area and white, flowing pieces of white cloth descend from her thighs. On her back, strapped to her form, are her weapons. I have seen her use them in battle and would never challenge her – not even with Gungnir in my hand. A javelin, a lightweight spear, two long swords and two long hunting knives dangle from her waist. 

A quick look at Sif tells me that she involuntarily took a step away from the entity which she only knew as Fay. Which is, I must concur, a wise thing to do. The Morrígan is not known for her patience or tolerance. 

“A goddess? You are a goddess?” Sif remarks in disbelief. She looks quite shocked and I don’t blame her. 

The Morrígan ignores Sif and challenges me by directing her stare at me. “What do you want from me?” I need to know her plans. 

“How will you help your son? Loki is injured and the Dwarves delight at torturing him. I sense his pain, why don’t you?”

“Because I shield my mind. Nothing can pierce my thoughts,” I admit. Not even Frigga can communicate with me in that way.

“I could,” the Morrígan states, “but I have no desire to be inside your mind. Now answer my question; how will you aid Loki? Thor succeeded in reclaiming Gungnir, but the weapon is useless as only you can wield it.”

Sif draws in her breath, steps forward, and exclaims, “Odin can’t leave Asgard! He is our King!”

The Morrígan cocks her head questioningly. “What matters most to you, Odin? Being Asgard’s King or being Loki’s father?”

In my heart, I knew that this would be the question she would ask me. Finding the answer takes only one heartbeat, as I don’t need to think about it. “Being Loki’s father.” I failed Loki in the past; I won’t fail him again. Next to me, Frigga slips her hand into mine, and although she seems to agree with me, I see apprehension in her eyes. 

“What will become of Asgard should Hrungir’s army arrive at its gates? Who will guide us into battle if you are not here to lead us?” Frigga shakes her head. “I feel torn; I feel deeply for our son, but you cannot desert Asgard either.”

She is right; it is a horrible dilemma. I look toward the Morrígan for advice as she is wise in her own right.

She nods, and changes back to Fay – locking away the terror of the Morrígan and calmness settles over the hall. Even Huginn and Muninn feel comfortable enough to return to my side.

“I’ll protect your city,” Fay announces. “I promise you that Asgard will be safe. No one shall enter it.”

I am not quite sure that is what I had in mind. I have seen her bathed in blood, and although I carry the Giants and Dwarves no love, I do not wish to see their races annihilated. I cannot turn my back on Loki though; if this is the price I need to pay, I will. “I accept.” Frigga looks upset, and so do Sif and the others, but I do not have a choice. This is the only decision I can make without deserting Loki. “I will free my son and you will stop Hrungnir, should he arrive at Asgard before I return. Keep the death toll minimal, if you can,” I beg her.

“I can’t make any promises, you know that. I –am- the goddess of war. Once I taste blood…”

I nod – she can’t deny her true nature – it is who she is. “I lay Asgard’s fate in your hands.”

“I’ll keep Asgard safe.” Fay takes a step to the side and glares at me. “What are you waiting for, Odin? Your son needs you.”

I descend the small number of stairs that lead to my throne and come to a halt in front of her. “My trusted Sleipnir is not here to carry me.” 

“That can be easily fixed.” Fay’s eyes change into those of the Morrígan. “Your chariot awaits,” she says and point toward the exit. 

Torn between curiosity and apprehension I follow her toward the courtyard. She didn’t lie – a chariot made of copper stands there. Two, large, snow-white wolfs are ready to carry it, and look at me from over their shoulders. They are not of this world and I feel hesitant to step into the chariot, but I am running out of time. Loki needs me; this is my chance to show him how much I love him. I cannot pass it up. I step into the chariot and the wolfs howl loudly.

“You know where to take him,” the Morrígan says. “Do not rest until you have reached your destination!” At hearing that, the wolfs howl again. Their tails move wildly and their nostrils tremble. “Go!” she commands and the wolfs start running. I grab the reigns and steady myself. This is one adventure I thought I would never undertake, but I am determined to free Loki, take my sons home, defeat Hrungnir, and restore peace to Asgard!

//

These wolfs do not seem to tire. They run all day and night. If they keep up this pace, it will not be long before I will arrive at Thrym’s court. I worry about Loki; he has always been the one I worried for the most. His soul is wounded and part of that is my fault. I doubt I can ever undo that injury. I do not regret saving him as a baby though; Loki has given me much love and pleasure and I tried to return those feelings to him. Finding out I had failed hurts. 

I think back to what transpired in the throne room. Maybe I should have confided in Frigga, Sif, and Heimdall, but if I had revealed Fay’s secret without her permission she would have made me pay. I do hope she will not succumb to her bloodlust during my absence. I can only hope that Hrungir’s army will not arrive until I have returned to Asgard, because there is no doubt in my mind that she will delight at annihilating Giants and Dwarves alike. I wonder why she did not reveal herself to Loki though. My son does not know whom he has taken as a mate and I hope all will be well when he finds out. The Morrígan is a radical warrior, but also a very passionate lover. 

//

Upon nearing Thrym’s lair, I open my mind; something I have not done in ages. I sense Thor’s presence at once – and also his surprise. Searching further, I also register Loki’s mind, but his thoughts are darkened and coloured by pain. She was right then – my son needs me. Keeping my mind open, I send out a call to Thor, who answers right away. I sense his surprise at me contacting him. I am on my way. I am already close to you. Where can I find you?

I am hiding at a cave.

An image flashes in my thoughts and I store the cave’s location in my mind. I will join you within the hour. My son, do you have Gungnir with you? I pray he kept it safe. I need it to free Loki.

It is in my safekeeping. It is yours to wield the moment you arrive, father.

Excellent. Keep yourself hidden. There is no reason to give away your whereabouts. 

Father, do you know about the army marching for Asgard?

I do, and do not worry, Asgard is well-protected; I will tell you more later. Our first duty is to your brother. We need to free Loki… 

I sense his pain, I cannot read his thoughts, but I feel his pain. We need to free him quickly, father.

We will, my son. Keep faith –I am on my way.

//

I leave the chariot, step away from it, and the wolfs start running again, this time leaving me behind. Now that their work is done, it is up to me to free Loki. I walk toward the cave and Thor leaves the safety of its dark shadows. Surprise shows on his face and I know why it is there – he never expected me to come here in person. I seldom leave Asgard, and when I do, never for long. Gungnir is in his hand and Thor presents the spear to me the moment I come to a halt in front of him. “What happened?” I curl my fingers around my trusted weapon and must admit holding it again feels good. 

“The Dwarves cast a spell on Mjolnir and Loki lacked time to break it. They caught him by throwing a net over him. It stank of their magic. I wanted to stay and fight, but Loki urged me to take Gungnir to safety. He knew Brok and Sindri would extract their revenge on him, but he still told me to leave. I did, realizing reclaiming Gungnir was important. I was trying to formulate a plan when I sensed your call. Father, I am glad you are here, but I do not understand how this can be. An army of Giants and Dwarves marches for Asgard and yet, here you are.”

“As I said earlier, Asgard is capable hands. You need not worry about our people’s safety. We should worry about your brother though.” Thor will learn about the Morrígan quickly enough – not need to waste time and tell him about it. 

“Loki is in pain,” Thor whispers. “He shields his mind from me, but I sense his agony.”

“Then we should stop wasting precious time – let us reclaim your brother.”

Thor cocks his head. “Are you saying we will march into the keep and?”

I nod. “We will march in there and find Loki. We will take him with us. Now that Gungnir is mine once more, they do not stand a chance.”

“I like the idea of marching in there!” Thor states happily.

I start walking and Thor falls into step next to me. “Listen to me, Thor. No matter what will happen in there – we will not leave the keep without Loki!” Thor’s jaw sets firmly, which indicates he agrees. “I failed him in the past, Thor, I refuse to fail him again!”

// 

The snake’s mouth opens again, the fangs move closer, and then drive themselves deep into my arm. I trash when the poison enters my body again, but the net, tightly wrapped around me, gives me little room to manoeuvre in. Sindri and Bork tightened it before they left the room, ensuring I remain their prisoner. 

I knew they had planned their revenge for a long time when they brought in that magical snake. As it wrapped itself around my neck and upper body, the tang of sorcery that clung to it made me shudder. The cold eyes, made of gold and magic, carry no emotion. The snake’s partly mechanical, partly blackest sorcery. With the enchanted net neutralizing my own magical powers, I’m at their mercy. In my current condition I can’t escape my fate. Sindri and Brok knew what they were doing when they engineered that snake. It bites regularly, breaking my skin and shooting me full with venom, making my head reel, my body hurt, and my thoughts cloud with pain. 

I’m no longer in control of my body and mind and that scares me. I don’t know if this is just a temporary effect or if the venom will scare me for life. The poison slithers through my veins and I hold onto my dearest memories. I recall the time I spent with Fay – the times we were intimate and made love. Only then did I fully understand the meaning of those words; making love. And now it seems I’ll never experience such a moment again. 

It occurred to me that Thor might try to free me, and I pray to Odin that he won’t. Sindri and Brok are true masters at their craft, and considering the fact that they captured me so easily, Thor will stand even less of a chance against them. The only thing I can hope for is that Thor is on his way to Asgard to deliver Gungnir to Odin. 

Damn… The venom makes it hard – almost impossible – for me to think in a clear and reasonable way. I hope my mental blocks are still intact as I don’t want Fay or Thor to realize the agony I’m in. 

The snake moves, glides across my body, and turns its head toward me. The golden eyes flash in the light, the fangs drip with venom, and it takes aim again, this time targeting my throat. Each bite leaves an ugly mark on my skin and the venom continues to burn me. A bite to my throat will inflict even more damage- I’m sure of that. Still carefully shielding my thoughts, I return to fonder memories. I remember Fay hitting me with snowballs and challenging me to a duel. It feels like I experienced those things in another life time. Involuntarily, I shudder at seeing the fangs take aim. They bury themselves just below my right ear and penetrate deeply, releasing their toxin into my bloodstream. I feel sick; my stomach revolts and my body shakes. I barely manage to hang onto consciousness and feel like I can slip into the sleep of death any moment now. Maybe I should welcome death as it’ll relieve me of my pain.

Do not you dare give in, brother! You need to fight!

Thor… What is he doing in my mind? Shakily, I examine my mental defences and find them corroded. The venom must be eating them away. I can’t! It hurts! Sindri and Brok carried out their warning; they said I would long for death before they were through with me. I shake uncontrollably, but the net refuses to shatter. It’s strong,incredibly strong! Noise coming from the corridor makes it into my room, but I’m not sure I’m merely hallucinating. I can’t tell illusion from truth as my mind slowly succumbs to the onslaught of the toxin. 

Suddenly a loud blast fills the room and I try to focus my mind in order to find out what is happening. That blast reminds me of the energy Gungnir releases when it’s being used. But that can’t be for it would imply Odin was here and wielding it. The toxin continues to spread throughout my body and I can no longer feel any extremities. I’m losing all sensation in my arms and legs. Feeling paralyzed, I hate being at their mercy like this. Am I hearing footsteps? I can’t be sure. The toxin causes all images and sounds to grow distorted and I’m losing my last sense of orientation. 

“Loki, what did they do to you? Brother, hold on, we will free you of that fiendish serpent!”

I hear Thor’s voice, but that can’t be real. I must have turned completely delusional!

“Thor, stand back. I need to break the Dwarves’ hold on him.”

Things became even stranger just now, because I’m under the impression that I heard my father’s voice as well. That proves it though—I definitely lost my mind! All of a sudden, the serpent’s fangs withdraw and the venom drips from the wound. Each droplet that hits my clothes burns itself a way through the fabric and scorches my skin. Unexpectedly, I can move again, and although my arms and legs still refuse to obey, I manage to roll away from the serpent. Oddly enough, the net no longer constricts me. 

“My son, I regret that I did not come sooner. I will have their hides for what they did to you. Sindri and Brok will not go unpunished!”

How odd; that’s Odin’s voice again. I fight to open my eyes, but can only partly open them. The world surrounding me is blurry and I can barely make out any shapes. I give up and close my eyes again. 

“The serpent’s venom poisoned him. Thor, we need to get him into safety.”

An arm slides into position beneath my shoulder and another below my knees. It feels like I’m being lifted and I can’t do much, except allow for it to happen – whatever – it – is. I love the sensation of being cradled in strong arms and being pulled against a familiar chest. This is a nice dream after all. This time my delusions actually brought Thor to my side. It’s just an illusion of course, but a reassuring and calming one and I allow for it to guide me into darkness. 

//

I awaken to pain. My body burns, my mind feels clouded, and I’m close to panicking. What is the last thing I remember? That devilish snake burying itself in my throat in order to release more toxins. That venom still flows through my arteries – I feel it. Fire moves through my veins and it’s driving me quite literally insane. 

“Loki, I need you to listen to me, I need you to focus.”

That’s Odin’s voice again – the delusions are back!

“Open your eyes if you can. My son, I need you to fight this!”

I’m not sure I can open my eyes. They feel sewn together and I don’t know if I can rip apart the threads. 

“Loki, brother, you are stronger than their foul magic! I have faith in you. Open your eyes,please!”

Thor would never say please – that proves it – they’re mere illusions. My mind is playing tricks on me. Tricking the Trickster! I would laugh if only I could!

“Loki, my son…”

All of a sudden, large, warm hands settle on either side of my head. The touch feels familiar and calming and so I don’t fight it as it dampens the effects of the toxins. My luck won’t last though – I know that much. The pain will be back!

“Loki, open your eyes and look at me. See me! Know that you are not alone and that we are here to fight at your side, please, my son.”

This is decisively odd. The cooling calm of the touch strengthens me enough for me to try again. I manage to open my eyes and stare at my father, whose face hovers above me. I wonder about the nature of my delusions. Why can’t they show me Fay instead?

“Well done, my son. If only your mind was not that scattered. Curse them for doing this to you!”

Odin seems enraged, but I’m rather sure I’m not to blame this time. I didn’t do anything wrong. I stare at him like I did when I was still a child. I would sit on his lap and look at him for hours. 

“Yes, Loki, focus your thoughts. I will help you.”

I like the fact that Odin is close – even though he’s just an illusion. I’d love having my father just to myself. 

“I will attempt to break their hold on you, but their magic is strong. This may hurt.”

Hurt? I’m already in pain. Can’t hurt more than this. Can it? I scream out in pain when my father’s mind joins mine and rips apart the alien and foul magic that encages me. Again, I lose consciousness and dive into a deep sea of blackness.

//

A soothing cool sensation covers my brow and helps me breathe more easily. I still feeling horribly weak, but I manage to open my eyes nonetheless. I blink, seeing surroundings I didn’t expect. Apparently I’m no longer in my prison, but in the tower where they keep Mjolnir. I can see the hammer from the corner of my eye. The snake is gone though, and instead, a reassuring fire burns nearby. 

“You are awake again!” 

Hearing Thor puzzles me and I try to find out where the voice’s coming from. Moving my head tires me and an angry pain slices through my throat, but I succeed in looking above me. Thor’s face hovers there and he’s smiling at me. He’s giving me that blinding and naïve smile only he’s capable of. 

“Thank you for coming back to me, brother! For a time I feared we had lost you.”

I hear Thor’s voice, but his words don’t make any sense. I watch his hand as it moves to a bucket which stands next to him. He immerses a piece of cloth in it and then presses the cool, wet fabric against my brow. Sighing, I close my eyes in bliss, savouring the temporary relief from pain. 

“Father says that the toxins will affect you a little longer, but that you should be able to shake it off once you feel stronger. The poison they used on you confuses the mind and attacks your body. Father managed to neutralize it for the largest part though.”

Thor’s words imply that Odin’s here, which can’t be. I saw him in my dreams though. Feeling thoroughly confused, I distract myself by trying to sit upright. I don’t like lying down with my head resting in Thor’s lap. It makes me feel vulnerable. 

“You cannot move yet. You need to rest, my son.”

I attempt moving my head so I can look into the direction that the voice’s coming from. It can’t be Odin – it’s impossible. After what seems an eternity, I manage to focus on the second form hovering close to me. Slowly, the face crystallizes and I recognize Odin. I try to speak, but my body still refuses to obey. 

“Rest, Loki. The next time you will wake up, you will feel stronger.”

I cling to my father’s voice and remember a time when I was little – back then, Odin would fix anything. No matter how scary the monsters were that haunted my dreams, my father would chase them away. I cling to that thought when I drift back to sleep.

//

Words belonging to a familiar lullaby, softly sung by a well-known voice, call me back to awareness. I don’t know how long I have slept, but I feel tired still. My body feels weak and even drawing in breath tires me. My body might feel weak, but my mind’s sharp and awake. No more painful outbursts of venom obscure my thinking and I easily focus on the two forms sitting close to me. I’m still in Thor’s arms. My head rests against his shoulder and his arms are tightly wrapped around me – holding me close. He’s asleep. He looks tired, exhausted even, and I can’t recall ever having seen him like that before. I cherish the fact that he’s near and I wonder about the nature of my delusions. Thor feels real against me and his chest rises and falls each time he draws in and releases breath. 

“We are no illusions, Loki. We are here – the three of us, Thor, you and I.”

Turning my head toward that voice, I find Odin sitting close to me. His right hand rests on top of my arm and he feels awfully real for an illusion. I startle upon feeling him gently squeeze my arm. “I… don’t… under… stand.” Damn, I’m too weak to speak even a few words.

“You fought hard, Loki, and you fought well. Together we broke their spell. I know that you still feel weak, but you will continue to regain your strength.” The direction of my stare changes when Odin curls his fingers around mine and gently caresses my skin. “I understand why you did it, Loki. Why you told Thor to leave, but you endangered yourself by doing so. I would never have forgiven myself – or you – if you had died in Thrym’s lair.”

I always enjoyed listening to Odin – his voice is deeply soothing and it makes me want to go back to sleep. I fight that sensation though as something warns me that my father wants me awake and aware. 

“Thor and I freed you. We destroyed that horrid snake and that enchanted net. Thor held you while you fought off the effects of the toxins. I am proud of you, my son. You defeated their foul magic.”

Odin’s proud of me? My father’s proud of me! Hearing it makes me smile, although I’m not sure it shows. My throat and face still hurt. 

“And I am proud of you as well, brother.“ 

Thor woke and is looking at me. I can’t remember the last time he looked at me with such pride and even a hint of adoration. I wish I possessed the strength to reply, but I can’t – just yet. Then an alarming thought races through my mind and I summon my remaining energy. I need to know! “Mjolnir?”

“It is still enchanted. Father failed to free it of the spell, but that can wait. At the moment, your recovery is all that matters.”

I don’t agree though. “Thrym’s ar…my…” My voice shatters painfully when attempting to pronounce that second word and it makes me painfully aware of that fact that I’m still extremely weak.

“Do not worry about that. I left Asgard in capable hands and well-protected.” Odin’s right hand settles on my brow and I feel him manipulating my mind, easing my thoughts, and guiding me toward sleep. “Loki, sleep, rest, We will need your strength shortly. Rest while you can, my son.”

Just when I’m about to fall asleep, cool, soft lips press against my burning brow and I remember Odin kissing Thor and me goodnight when we were children. Knowing he loves me still strengthens me and I can only hope he’ll continue to show his affection after I have recovered.

//

The next time I wake up I feel more alert. My body might still require more time to heal, but my mind is back to its normal sharpness and to me that’s what matters the most. Still resting against Thor, who appears rather content to be acting as my pillow, I take in more of my surroundings. I’m surprised to discover that we’re still in Thrym’s keep. Though, the reason why we’re still here might be Mjolnir, who still rests about that altar-like table. I sense the Dwarfish magic on it, so that might be the reason we didn’t leave yet. Every so often, Thor’s gaze drifts off to Mjolnir and I see the longing in his eyes. 

“How do you fare, brother? Your gaze seems less clouded,” Thor sounds concerned, but at the same time he manages to give me a reassuring smile. 

“I feel better – not quite up to my old tricks yet, but getting there.” Thor smiles relieved at hearing so. “Are we prisoners?” Why else would we still be here?

Thor quickly shakes his head. “No, we drove off the guards. We are in charge of the keep now. Mjolnir is the reason why we are still here. Neither I, nor father, can touch the hammer. It’s still enchanted.”

I shake my head at him. “Why did you allow father to come here? You know that Hrungnir’s army marches for Asgard!” I can only hope it hasn’t arrived yet. 

“I came because I worried about you,” Odin says as he towers over me. “You are my son, Loki, and you are important to me. I could not turn my back on you when you needed me the most.”

My father’s words should please me, but instead, they make me suspicious. Odin wouldn’t come here just because of me. He’s here because of Gungnir and Mjolnir, but I shouldn’t complain, as they freed me. “Maybe I can lift the spell,” I muse, directing my stare at the hammer. “Then you can return to Asgard – hopefully in time to prevent a war.”

“Loki, I left Asgard in capable hands. I do not worry about her safety.” Odin sits down next to me and cocks his head so he can study me with his remaining eye. “You might find it hard to believe but I am here because of -- you – and that is the truth. I pray that one day, you can accept and will believe that.”

Odin sounds remarkably sincere and his assurance makes me doubt my thoughts. “You must understand,” I offer in turn. “I find it hard to believe that you still think of me as your son.”

“Give it time, Loki,” Odin says. “You have plenty of it, as we will not leave until you recovered sufficiently.”

“And the spell on Mjolnir has been lifted.” I still believe the hammer is the main reason why Odin’s here. There’s a way to find out about my father’s true motives, but I’m not sure I’m strong enough to lift the spell binding Mjolnir to the Dwarves. I can try though. I close my eyes, breathe more slowly, and reach out with my mind. The first time I tried to undo the spell, I breached its barriers and that might make breaking it now easier.

“Loki, no! You are still recovering. It is too early.”

Odin’s worried tone registers with me, but I dismiss it for now. I need to break this spell; I need to know what will happen once Thor can wield Mjolnir again. Will they wait for me to recover or head for Asgard right away? I continue to batter away at the spell, counteracting it with my own magic. It’s a slow process, but the Dwarfish magic grows weaker. I can do this – I know I can.

“Loki, stop! You are draining yourself. What you are doing is dangerous!”

Why does Odin want me to stop? After all, they need Mjolnir if they want to fight off Hrungnir’s army. I open my eyes, lock out Thor and Odin, and let a fine line of fire slip through my fingers and towards Mjolnir. A blaze of energy causes me to close my eyes, but I quickly open them again. The alien magic surrounding Mjolnir burned itself to pieces. “I lifted the spell,” I tell Thor. “It’s yours again.” Breaking that spell left me weak, but that doesn’t matter. I achieved my goal; Dwarfish magic no longer stains Mjolnir. My eyes close and I surrender to the fatigue taking over my body. I can rest now – my work here is done. 

“Loki, you did not have to do that, you exhausted yourself. Brother, why could you not wait until you had regained your strength?”

Thor’s words accompany me into sleep and my fingers claw at his clothes. I don’t want him to lift Mjolnir and leave me, but I’m fairly sure he will.

//

The first thing I notice is that Thor’s no longer supporting me. He no longer holds me and I shiver, feeling cold and lonely. I was right then – they only stayed so I could undo the spell. Odin and Thor are on their way back home. I shouldn’t blame them – Asgard is under attack.

“Loki, you cannot deny your nature, can you? I urged you not to exhaust yourself and yet you did! You set back your recovery, my son.”

Lazily, I open my eyes and am surprised to see Odin at my side. Instead of resting in Thor’s arms, I’m in a bed, covers drawn up to my shoulders, and although I feel warm, I miss Thor’s presence. 

“I am here, brother.” Unexpectedly, Thor appears and sits down on the side of the bed. “You scared me. You should have listened when father told you -no, but I cannot deny feeling relieved at holding Mjolnir in my hand again.” He places the hammer next to me on the bed and looks at me in a fond way, that would have made me blush – hadn’t I felt so weak. 

“Do you think you are rested enough for travel? Father wants to go home. Now that we have the means to stop Hrungnir’s army we should act.”

Am I fit enough to travel? I don’t know. I settle for shrugging slowly. 

“You can continue to rest,” Thor promises. “You will not be in any discomfort.”

“Travelling is fine with me,” I whisper. I prefer staying with them even though the journey will tire me. I have no desire to stay behind at Thrym’s lair.

“I will be careful with you,” Thor promises in a gentle voice. A moment later, Thor’s arms slip beneath my body and he lifts me. Thor cradles me against his chest and continues to smile at me. “Are you comfortable, brother?”

More than comfortable. As long as I don’t need to move I’ll be fine. I nod and fight to keep my eyes open.

“Should you need to rest, tell me and we shall stop. Your well-being comes first,” Thor whispers in my ear and hearing those words makes me smile contently. 

“My son, are you certain you are strong enough to endure this journey?”

From between half-shut eyes, I focus on Odin. “Am…fine…” It’s not the truth, but I’ll survive – I always do.

//

I have been awake for quite some time now, but Thor doesn’t seem to have noticed. We’re flying at a moderate speed, Mjolnir guiding the way and taking us home. Sleipnir races along below us and knowing they didn’t leave me behind, reassures me. Flying like this actually feels comfortable. It greatly differs from flying myself though. There’s something feral in assuming a raven’s guise and gliding on its dark wings through the night. 

“I can call for a rest, if you would like that,” Thor whispers into my ear. 

Ah, the big oaf realized I’m awake then. “That won’t be necessary. This feels comfortable.” I wonder how close we are to Asgard. 

“We are halfway in case you are wondering. You slept through the day. Thank you for breaking that spell and returning Mjolnir to me.”

I nod against Thor’s shoulder and realize how protected and cared for I feel. Thor has always been more than a brother to me. Even though we’re not of the same blood, the ties that bind us are strong – maybe even stronger than those of mere kin. I love him – I love him the way I love Fay. I have always known that, but didn’t feel confident enough to admit it to myself. I know he’ll never accept me in that way though and I made my peace with that realization many years ago. 

“Go back to sleep, Loki. We might need your slyness later. You should get all the rest you can.” 

Is it just my imagination or are Thor’s lips brushing my brow? No, it’s just my imagination showing me what I want the most and can never have.

//

“We may be just in time to prevent a massacre,” Odin says and hearing those words spark my imagination. What kind of massacre is he expecting? 

I open my eyes and manage to stay on my feet when Thor lowers me from his hold. His right arm stays curled around my waist though – steadying me – and I must admit I need the support as I’m still wobbly. Looking at the scene that unfolds in front of me, I can’t help feeling stunned. “What’s happening?”

In front of one of the gateways to Asgard, Hrungnir’s army has come to a halt. Even from this distance, I recognize Sif, Heimdall, Volstagg, Fandral and Hogun. They stand on the tilt above the gate. This is a bad situation, which can only get worse. My eyes widen in surprise when I catch sight of Fay, standing next to my mother. Frigga, being Queen of Asgard, is in charge right now and must represent Odin.

“Are we too late?” Thor asks Odin.

Odin appears pensive, but not extremely worried. “We arrived in time, Loki, you should see this.” 

I don’t like hearing that particular tone, but I obey nonetheless. “Why’s Fay with them?” She should seek cover, just in case the army attacks. I don’t want her to die during the upcoming battle. Odin gives me an odd look and I suspect he read my mind just now.

“You need not worry about her, I regret you will learn about her in this way, but then again, maybe this is the way you should find out.”

I hate it when Odin speaks in riddles, and judging by the look Thor gives me, he doesn’t care for the situation either. Straining my hearing, I manage to catch what they’re saying.

“I refuse to retreat,” Hrungnir, the Giant, says. “We have come to take possession of Asgard. Surrender or face your fate. Even gods die – remember that!”

He’s threatening my mother and my hands turn into fists. Next to me, Thor tenses as well. Like me, he wants to teach Hrungnir a lesson. But even if we take out the Giant, his army remains – and he gathered a large number of Giants and Dwarves. In the front row, standing next to Hrungnir, I come across Sindri and Brok. Their evil expressions tell me they have a hidden agenda. They’ll use their foul magic to subdue whatever force Asgard sends their way. 

“We must act!” I want to move forward, but stumble because my knees give out on me. Damn, why must I be so weak? Thor however steadies my fall and I’m forced to wrap an arm around him in turn. “How can you stand there and do nothing?” I call out, addressing my father. Now that Gungnir is his, he can end this!

“Because it is not my battle. It is hers.”

Odin points at the castle, and at first, I think he’s pointing at mother, but then I realize he’s pointing at Fay, who moved in front of Frigga, taking on a rather protective stance. “She must be mad to be out there!” Maybe I can mentally contact her and tell her to seek shelter. But before I can do that, my heart misses a beat at hearing her challenge the King of the Giants. What does she think she’s doing?

“The Queen of Asgard offered you a way out and what do you do? You decline? Apparently a Giant’s brain is really tiny!”

Her remark makes me grin, but I also realize it’s not a smart thing to say. After all, she’s mortal and it won’t take much for her to die. “Don’t,” I whisper even though she can’t hear me. I look toward Odin for support. “Can’t you tell mother to stop her?”

“I am afraid Frigga cannot do much.” Odin replies in a calm, but also curious, tone.

I turn my attention back to the scene at the gate and startle when Fay addresses Hrungnir again. “Last chance, Giant, I challenge you to a duel. Subdue me and Asgard is yours, but should you lose the fight, you and your army will retreat. You will never come back here. You will be an outcast!”

“Fay, what are you doing? He’s a Giant, you a mortal – this is madness!” Why isn’t anyone stopping her? Why isn’t Sif intervening? Or Heimdall? 

“Fight you? That is below me! You do not present a challenge, mortal, but it would be an easy way to become Asgard’s ruler.”

Hrungnir just accepted her challenge! Damn, this can’t be happening. “Father, Thor, you must do something! He’ll kill her within seconds!”

Odin however shakes his head. “That is where you are wrong, my son.”

My father’s cryptic remark barely registers with me – all I hear is his refusal to do something about the situation, and so I turn to Thor. “Thor, you must do something!” Thor wavers, and I can tell he may be swayed, but Odin raises his hand and commands Thor to stay where he is. 

“Why do you want Hrungnir to kill her?” I practically scream at Odin in an accusing tone. “I would intervene myself, if I could!” But I’m still too weak. Maybe I can summon an illusion and buy Fay time to run. 

“You accept, oh mighty King, because you assume I am easily defeated? How utterly stupid of you! Though I must confess your army might thank you for accepting my offer in the end for it means they might live to see another day.”

I freeze in Thor’s hold, which he tightened the moment I tried to move forward. Her voice – something’s off with it. She sounds different. Even the way she speaks sounds odd.

“Know then the terms of this duel. You shall fight me to the death. Your death will save your army – I will show mercy on them and I will grant them their lives.”

“Are you mad?” Hrungnir calls out. “I will end your life in seconds, mortal!”

“Thor, we must stop this! Throw Mjolnir, take out Hrungnir! We can’t stand back and let her march to her death!” Panic builds inside me. “I can’t let her die!”

“Loki, stand back and let her deal with this!”

Odin gave me a direct order and I can’t rebel against it, but… “I love her!” I whisper softly.

At that moment, a scream erupts from the tilt, and hearing it sends shivers down my spine. It’s Fay – she screamed, but that scream wasn’t human anymore. Staring at her in shock I watch her form turn blurry. The air vibrates around her and when my vision clears, it’s no longer Fay standing there, but a stranger. Although some of Fay’s facial features still show in her appearance, it’s no longer the Fay I know. The normally black hair now shows streaks of red and her body has changed. She’s armed with a spear, swords, and hunting knives. Her form is more muscular and it tells me that I’m dealing with a seasoned warrior. “Father?” I can’t seem to look away from her, but I need Odin to tell me what’s happening and so I address him. 

Odin lifts his hand, rests it on my shoulder, and whispers, “You should know the entire truth about her, my son.”

Staring at her, I realize she’s not alone anymore. Nuada circles above her head and sends out a series of calls. Black on red eyes look up to the sky and another scream leaves her lips, mimicking Nuada’s. The she cocks her head and addresses Hrungnir again, who seems a bit shaken. Neither he, nor I, expected any of this to happen.

“I do not need to draw a weapon in order to kill you, Giant. I will leave the choice to you though. Do you wish to die through my hand or does it not matter how you meet your end?“

Her words nearly freeze the blood in my veins. I can only stare at her and feel incapable of action. I draw in my breath at seeing Hrungnir launch himself at her. He’s slow though and she jumps out of the way. She leaps toward him, lands to his right, and removes the spear from her back. She takes aim and releases the spear.

“So be it,” she whispers the words slowly and I shouldn’t hear them, but I do. The spear effortlessly finds its aim and enters Hrungnir’s brow. It moves through the Giant’s skull, leaves it at the back, and returns to his mistress, burying itself in the earth next to her feet. “Die, Giant. Die so your army may live.”

Hrungnir reels on his feet, starts to fall, and when his body impacts onto the earth, it sends a shock through his army. I blink, trying to understand what happened just now. The way she killed him, fast and effortlessly, makes me wonder what she is. She isn’t a mere mortal. She’s so much more than that.

“Your King is dead. Honour our agreement and I will let you live,” she says, addressing the army. “Or defy me and meet your death.”

“Father, who is she? What is she?” How could I have made such a grave mistake in judgment? Though I must admit I always knew she was different. 

“She is the Morrígan, son. A goddess of old, not of our world, but as powerful as I am. She is the Goddess of War, Loki, but also of Death. She does not need to use her weapons in order to slay her enemy—what she said is true. She merely needs to raise her voice in song to the skies and the ones she doomed to death will fall to the earth – lifeless – dead.”

I need a moment to understand what Odin said. “A goddess?” It would explain a great many things though. “The Goddess of War?”

“And death,” Odin adds as he stares at the army laying siege to Asgard. “I do hope they are wise and will choose retreat. She will not hesitate to slay them – annihilate the entire army. She will even take pleasure in doing so.”

“Can she do that? She’s but one and the army… I count thousands of Giants and Dwarves!” Thor’s hold on me weakens as he seems taken aback as well, but I don’t break free. I need his support right now.

“They do not stand a chance against her. I have seen her in battle, Loki. Once she tastes blood, nothing will stop her. She will slay anyone in sight until there is no one left.”

Can she really do that? Can she really take out an army? Looking at my father, I realize he’s convinced she can. 

“Hrungnir acted on his own,” Sindri calls out to her. “We do not think your pact is valid and we will not abide to it. We will not retreat. Before this day is over, I will sit on Odin’s throne and you will call me master!” 

The Dwarf moves his hand and I sense the way he’s building his magic. “Father, we must…” But the words die on my lips as the Morrígan is quick to react to that threat.

“You made your choice. You doomed yourself, your brethren, and your allies, to death. So be it… Let the battle begin.”

“She reminds me of the way I used to be – before you sent me to Midgard,” Thor suddenly remarks. “I was ready to destroy the Frost Giants. Nothing will stop her from killing them.”

At hearing this Odin nods and a saddened expression spreads across his face. “You are right, my son. She will not stop until their blood is on her lips and their corpses lie beneath her feet. I wish I had intervened when I still could.”

Entranced, I stare at the scene unfolding in front of me. Her form grows blurry again, and suddenly, she’s not alone anymore. There are three of them. One warrior is dressed in a white dress and long, blond hair descends down her back. Her eyes are the colour of blood though and she raises her swords in attack. She descends onto the left flank of the army and kills all who stand in her path. She’s beautiful in her precision as she wields her deadly swords, but within seconds, she’s covered in blood. With a scream on her lips, she dives into a group of Giants, slaying them.

“Father,” I swallow convulsively, still finding it hard to believe what I’m seeing. 

“It is not over yet,” Odin murmurs and a single tear leaves his eye. “Although the Giants and Dwarves are our enemies, I mourn the loss of life.”

A second form appears from the mist that formed around the Morrígan’s shape. This warrior is dressed in a red, free flowing gown. Instead of swords, she uncovers two long knives and descends onto the right flank of the army. Soundlessly, she takes out one Giant after another. The blood that she draws from their bodies mingles with the red of her cloth until I can’t tell the difference between fabric and blood.

The third form installs the most unease in my heart though. Dressed in ragged black robes, she raises a skeletal hand. She doesn’t carry a weapon, she merely moves her lips, and as she looks at the front row – which consists of Sindri, Brok, and their brethren – they fall to the earth one by one. A last breath leaves their lips and then they lie dead at her feet. They now form a silent crowd, their faces still full of dread. She moves slowly, but everywhere she goes, her enemies drop dead in front of her. She doesn’t even need to touch them in order to bring death.

“Loki,” Odin turns toward me. His expression tells me that he is in emotional pain. Yes, the Giants and Dwarves caused this themselves, but Odin still cares about them. In an odd way, he feels they’re his responsibility. Allfather, they call him – everyone, Dwarves, Giants and Gods alike. He’s a father to all of them. “Can you stop her?” 

“I don’t know.” How am I supposed to do that? Looking at the three forms slicing through the army, I realize I owe it to Odin to try. “Let me sit down.” I tell Thor and wait for him to lower me onto the grass. He remains close though, sitting on his heels behind me. I lock him out, close my eyes, and concentrate. I try to find my way back to her – to Fay – not the Morrígan. I can’t reach a feral force like that, but maybe I can reach Fay – my Fay. Suddenly I sense her. She’s within my reach. Can you hear me? Do you know me? Her thoughts seem confused though – part of her is fighting alongside the Morrígan. Please stop this. You don’t need to take more lives. They’re trying to get away from you. They’re running! Please let them go. I sense some sort of reply, but can’t make out any words. She feels angry and her mind bathes in blood. The massacre is on its way and I’m not sure I truly reached her. Come back to me, Fay. You did what you had to do in order to protect Asgard. Come back to me.

Suddenly a red storm unfolds in my mind and I moan in pain. Apparently she took my invitation quite literary and she entered my mind. I need to stay in control though and can’t let her overwhelm me. I need to calm her down – maybe then I stand a chance at bringing Fay back to me. 

You did what you had to do. Now stop. Let them flee. They’re scared. There’s no reason for you to slay them. You won. I repeat the words over and over again and hope I’m reaching her.

“Keep doing whatever it is that you are doing,” Thor suddenly whispers into my ear. “The three of them are slowing down – even falling back.”

Good, it’s working then. Fay, I need you. I need your help. I’m injured. That’s not entirely true, but it might reawaken those protective feelings in her, which she showed toward me in the past. I need your help, Fay. I need you.”

“Loki!” 

Her voice comes from nearby and I open my eyes. I find that Thor and Odin moved away from me in order to give her the space she needs. Her eyes are still those of the Morrígan’s, and a mask of black feathers, sprouting from her face, obscures part of her features, but it’s Fay – the Fay I have come to know and love. “You listened to me!” I didn’t think she would. “Thank you for that.”

“Loki, I love you, but this is who I am – what I am. “

She raises her hand and caresses my brow, her fingertips encountering the mark the venom left there. I relish feeling her touch and the calmness in my mind flows into hers – connecting us and binding us together.

“Loki, do you understand why I needed time to reveal myself to you? I never planned on doing it this way, but fate intervened. I am many things, Loki. I am the Goddess of War, Death, but also of Sex and Fertility, You have seen certain aspects of me and I need to know if you can love me the way I am.”

“You accepted me unconditionally,” I recall. “Your love for me is unconditional.”

“This is who I am, Loki, I am passionate and loyal, but once the bloodlust takes me, I change.”

“I witnessed that just now, didn’t I?” 

She nods. “I am sorry you had to see that, but you needed to witness it. I agree with Odin. When you accepted me as your mate, you assumed I was a mortal woman. Now you know my true identity. I am a goddess – your equal in every possible way.”

I read insecurity in her eyes and I understand why she feels that way. “I must admit you impressed me – maybe even intimidated me a little just now, but I love you still. Yes, I still want you as my mate. You’re more than the Morrígan. You’re Fay too.” I rest my brow against her and the last bit of the Morrígan fades as her eyes return to their normal colour. Cool green eyes stare back at me and I smile at her. 

“Thank you, Loki, I have been searching for someone like you for ages.”

Her lips press against mine and I raise my arm, resting my fingertips at the nape of her neck, sealing our love with a kiss.

//

“I’ll take care of Loki from this moment on. Thank you for looking after him, Thor.”

I watch their exchange with a bit of trepidation. Thor doesn’t seem inclined to release me into her care and Fay appears determined to make sure Thor leaves. It’s almost like they’re fighting over me – which is nonsense of course. In the end, Thor relents. He gives me one last smile and then leaves the room. 

“He’s awfully protective of you,” Fay comments as she sits down on the side of my bed. We’re back in my rooms, and since Odin ordered me to rest – rest, I will. “He loves you, Loki, but you know that, don’t you?”

“We’re brothers,” I remind her. “Of course he cares about me.” But she shakes her head, surprising me.

“Not in that way. The way I love you.”

Her comment makes me avert my gaze. She knows me too well and will read the answer in my eyes. I don’t want her to think that I love her less because of it.

“Loki, I have always known about your feelings for him. Do you really think you can keep something like that from me?”

I look at her in amazement. “What are you saying?”

“You love Thor – not as a brother, but as a lover. You haven’t been able to admit that to yourself until recently, isn’t that true?”

“Did you read my mind?”

“I don’t need to. I know your heart. Loki, I understand. The heart is a complex matter. It doesn’t restrict itself to loving just one person and I don’t want you to feel like you should.”

She stretches next to me and pulls me close. I obey and wrap an arm around her in turn. “You’re right – I didn’t fully understand my feelings for him until recently.”

“And Thor’s still several steps away from admitting his feelings for you. Loki, in hindsight, you should be grateful that you’re not related by blood. That might have really complicated matters. As it stands now, you’re free to act upon your feelings, should you ever want to do so.”

The direction our conversation is taking baffles me. I assumed she would want to discuss the Morrígan or what happened to me at Thrym’s lair, but no, she wants to discuss my feelings for Thor instead. I wonder if I would get away with claiming being exhausted and because of that needing sleep. But no, she wouldn’t let me get away with it. “Thor’s in love with Jane. And I chose to be with you, remember? Another minor complication?” I remind her in a lightly teasing tone. I don’t want her to think she’s somehow standing in the way because she isn’t.

“Loki, I’m a free spirit. I do as I please – it’s in my nature. I love you and will always be there for you, but I won’t be at your side for the rest of your life. There will be days when you’ll wake up alone, or go to bed on your own. I have lived a certain way my entire life and a part of me needs that freedom. Do you understand?”

In a weird way, I do, and so I nod. “I’ll never tie you down. You’re free to come and go as you please. I’ll never force you to do something that goes against your nature. I –do- understand you.” I knew it would be this way when I found out about the Morrígan. She needs her freedom – or she’ll turn against me in the end; love would change into hatred. “But you’re wrong where Thor’s concerned. He doesn’t love me in that way!”

Her eyes narrow and she raises her arm – pointing a finger at me. “Never doubt my words, Loki. I’m wise in the matters of love. Jane’s mortal and I’ll leave you in time. Only so I can return to you later.” She presses a finger against my lips when I want to say something. “Loki, I’m old – even older than Odin. I have learned many things in my existence and one of them is not to be obsessive of the ones I love. You’re immortal – like me. Eternity can be rather long when you constrict yourself to loving just one person.”

I take her hand into mine, guide it away from my lips, and say, “Discussing this is a waste of time, Fay. You’re assuming Thor loves me in that way. I’m telling you he doesn’t.” She chuckles, kisses me on the lips, and holds me close. Her reaction surprises me again.

“Only time will tell who’s right, Loki. Let us enjoy being together now. And always remember, I love you.”

//

“Loki, are you certain you want to do this? I do not want you to leave! I will miss you!”

The look Thor gives me almost makes me change my mind, but I’m convinced that I’m doing the right thing. Even though I love having Thor close, I must distance myself from him. Regardless of Fay maintaining that Thor loves me, I don’t believe her to be right. Thor sees me as his brother – nothing more – and it’s right that way. 

“Thor, Asgard isn’t my home any longer. I belong with Fay, like you belong with Jane. Don’t make this harder than it needs to be. This is goodbye, brother.”

Thor opens his mouth as if to protest again, but stays quiet instead. “Promise me you will visit. As I can’t visit you, you need to visit me in Asgard. Promise!”

Thor has no idea what he’s asking – how difficult saying goodbye to him is in the first place. “Thor…”

“And I want to be able to talk to you. Do not close your mind for me.”

His demands surprise me. I had expected him to protest my decision, but not to such a degree. “If it means that much to you, I shall make you those promises.” Thor seems relieved at hearing that and I must admit I feel relieved as well, knowing we’ll remain in touch. I do love him. Thor’s arms wrap around me and he holds me close, embracing me, and thus showing me how much he loves me. “We’ll meet again,” I comfort him. “I won’t disappear completely.”

“Should you ever change your mind and lock me out, I –will- find a way to get to you, Loki, remember that!”

I can’t help myself; I press a kiss onto his brow. The kiss seems to take Thor aback, but he doesn’t pull away. “I love you too, Thor,” I tell him before removing myself from his embrace. “Always.” I walk toward Fay, who has been watching us with obvious amusement. Her lips curled into a smile the moment Thor sought me out. It still puzzles me that she doesn’t feel threatened. I’m starting to understand that she’s serious about being willing to share me with Thor – although I still think she’s wrong. Thor and I are brothers. Nothing more. I take Fay’s hand in mine and she curls her fingers around it. Her thoughts enter my mind, and I welcome them, wondering what she wants to tell me without Thor being able to hear her. 

Look at his eyes, Loki. Can you deny the fact that he loves you?

It’s brotherly love, Fay – nothing else.

We’ll see, Loki. 

I smile at Thor and raise a hand in goodbye. Accessing the astral pathways, I select the one that will take us to Midgard – to Fay’s cabin in Finland to be exact. 

Remember, Loki, stay in touch! I shall find you, should you disappear on me.

I’ll remember, Thor, but you need not worry. Don’t you know that we share a bond? 

I do. We will meet again, Loki, farewell.

Arriving on Midgard, Fay’s form and mine manifest in her cabin. One look tells me that she overheard that last exchange as well. “Loki, the bond that the two of you share, can never be broken. One day, your paths will meet again, and when they do, neither Thor nor you will be able to deny the truth.”

“I doubt that day will ever come,” I tell her and pull her into my arms. “Right now, I’m here – with you!”

Fay nods, but then cocks her head, and gives me a serious look. “That day –will- come, and when it does, I pray you’ll be strong enough for the both of you! “

Her lips find mine and lock in a tender kiss. Someone once told me that worrying about the future is a waste of time and so I focus on the present – on Fay…


	2. Chapter 2

Fifty years pass by in a heartbeat when you’re a god and happy at that. Fifty years ago, Fay and I decided to make that little cabin our permanent home and we have been happy ever since. She goes and comes as she pleases and I’m fine with that. She’s a feral creature and I respect and accept that. These days however, the periods in which she’s gone grow longer. I don’t think she’s doing it on purpose; it’s her nature. Now that the number of wars erupting on Earth is growing, her unrest has doubled and the only way she can deal with it is alone – away from me. It’s behaviour that became ingrained on her millennia ago and it’s nothing even I can change. 

I sit in a comfortable chair near the fire place and enjoy the silence. I have come to appreciate having a peaceful mind; I wished I had known about being able to feel this way when I was younger. The flames dance in order to distract me and I smile at them, letting them know I’m aware of their intention. 

Over the years my magic has grown stronger, but not in a way I expected it to flourish. Much of that has to do with Fay teaching me her spells during long winter nights. We amused ourselves exchanging our tricks and spells and it made me stronger. More creative too. 

As I don’t expect Fay back for weeks, maybe even months, I reach out to Asgard and try to contact Thor. He has been quiet lately, and when he does answer my call, his mind feels burdened. I know what ails him – Jane has grown old and although he loves her still, the moment of her death’s growing near. No one can stop death – not even the Morrígan. I asked Fay about that once, and she explained to me that she’s the bringer of death, not the giver of life. 

Thor, can you hear me, brother?

Lately, these calls go unanswered and I don’t expect Thor to reply this time either. Fifty years ago, I made a promise though. I vowed to stay in touch and I won’t have Thor think I have deserted him. I send the call out one more time, just to make sure. Thor, do you wish to talk to me? There’s no response though, which saddens me. I miss hearing him in my thoughts. Sometimes I wonder if I didn’t make a mistake when I decided to take Fay back to our cabin to live here. Maybe I should have stayed in Asgard after all. 

I put the book aside which I wanted to read – I fail miserably though as my thoughts continue to drift off to Thor. I worry about him for obvious reasons; I feel like he needs me and therefore his silence vexes me. I can’t force him to answer my call though and it has been fifty years since I set last foot on Asgard. Back then, I distanced myself for both our sakes and I can’t simply appear in his private rooms because I feel apprehensive. I need to put my trust in him.

Thor, the new King of Asgard… I chuckle. Father finally felt Thor was ready to rule in his stead. Fifty years ago, I would have disagreed with Odin as Thor was arrogant and pig-headed, but he has changed and he makes a good King. 

Nuada, who chose to stay with me instead of accompanying Fay, opens his eyes and looks at me. Ever since I learned to communicate with him, I have realized that the raven likes me a great deal. These days he actually prefers my company over Fay’s, simply because my mind is much calmer. The poor bird does deserve a break after serving the Morrígan for so long. 

I rise from the chair, pick up the glass holding a deliciously sweet white wine, and sip from it. I take it along to bed with me, put it on the nightstand, and lie down. I rest my arms beneath my head and stare at the ceiling. I should try to sleep tonight. Last night I couldn’t, and because of pure boredom I decided to play a little trick on fishermen who were chasing whales throughout the seas. I changed the whales into sea serpents, scaring the fishermen shitless, but I figured they deserved that for hunting the defenceless mammals. I have grown soft throughout the years and Fay’s to blame.

I turn onto my side, and although I don’t feel cold, I pull the comforter up to my shoulders as it still carries Fay’s scent. Reaching out, I realize Nuada went back to sleep and I should close my eyes as well, but I can’t stop thinking about Thor. Why doesn’t he answer my calls? Why does he ignore me? This has been going on for months now and I feel fed up. I have never been good at handling rejection or dealing with being ignored. Maybe I should find out what’s happening in Asgard, but then again, maybe I shouldn’t. Bah, this drives me insane and I push down the comforter. I sit upright, place my feet on the floor, and rise from the bed. It’s no use; I need to know why Thor’s ignoring me!

Nuada moves in his sleep, opens his eyes, and gives me a thoroughly annoyed look. “I can’t help it, my friend, I need to know. Are you coming along?” Since Nuada isn’t made of flesh and blood, but a creature of magic I can easily leave him behind. I don’t need to worry about him starving without me. Nuada however stretches his wings, flies over to me, and settles on my shoulder. 

I barely need to concentrate on travelling the astral plane; these days everything is so much easier. I slide into the next world, glide throughout the universe, and materialize on what’s left of the Bifrost. I decided to appear there for a reason as Heimdall can tell me what’s happening with Thor. Heimdall knows and sees all – well, almost everything. Heimdall’s golden eyes look at me and reveal his worry. He looks remarkably old and drained today. “What is wrong?” I need to know!

“It’s been a long time since you visited, Loki. Fifty years? Why did you stay away that long?”

“You know why.” I refuse to be baited. Hiding my feelings for Thor from Heimdall would never have worked so I never attempted doing so. “He’s happy with Jane and has no need for me.” Heimdall shivers and his eyes slowly close. He really worries me as I don’t know the guardian like this. “Must I make you tell me?” I learned a few neat tricks from Fay, which would annoy Heimdall to no end.

“You do not know then? Jane died four months ago.”

Stunned, I stare at Heimdall. Everything makes sense now; especially the fact that Thor stopped all communication around that time. “I didn’t know that.” Looking over my shoulder at the eternal city, I reach out and try to probe Thor’s mind. His thoughts are dark and empty though. “I must see him.”

“Yes, you must talk to him. He will listen to you.”

Heimdall supporting me awakens old feelings of suspicion. Now why would he do that? 

“I am not your enemy, Loki. I have not been your enemy for the last fifty years.”

I doubt it’s the truth, but I don’t want to waste precious time finding out why Heimdall is acting odd. “I’m going to see Thor. It wouldn’t be wise to send anyone after me in order to stop me.” It’s weird – the moment I set foot on Asgard my old paranoia returns. 

“I want you to speak to Thor. No one will stop you, Loki. As a matter of fact, many, including Frigga and Odin, hoped that you would return. Even they cannot reach Thor.”

“And what makes you think I can?” If even mother and father can’t reach Thor then he must be in a bad way. I’m surprised though that Jane’s death would upset him that greatly. Yes, he loved her dearly, but still, Thor always knew she was mortal – he would have anticipated her death. 

Heimdall eyes me closely before answering me. “You have greatly changed, Loki. You are not the same person you were fifty years ago. You have mellowed. You have learned the meaning of love, compassion, and pity. If anyone can reach Thor, it is you. I advice you stop wasting time and make for Thor’s rooms. He has need of you.”

I step away from Heimdall, but am hesitant to turn my back to him. I don’t trust him – never have, never will. Heimdall however merely offers me a sorrowful smile.

//

The first person I run into is Fandral. The look he gives me is almost comical, but I refrain from remarking upon it since the reason why I’m here is serious.

“Loki?” Fandral blinks, looks at me again, and then quickens his pace in order to catch up with me. “Is it really you?”

I roll my eyes. “Did your eyesight diminish during these last fifty years?”

“No, it did not, but I never expected to see you walk these halls again!”

I give Fandral a quick look and am surprised to realize that he appears happy to see me. What happened during these last fifty years that people are actually happy to see me? “Well, it’s me and I would appreciate it if you stopped annoying me.” Them being happy to see me puts me in a foul and suspicious mood. 

“It is good that you are back, Loki. I never thought I would one day say this, but we need you.”

This is getting weirder by the moment. “Fandral, in case you have forgotten, let me remind you. You hate my guts.”

“In the past, yes, but right now, you are my last hope. I greatly worry about Thor, we all do.”

Now that he mentioned Thor, Fandral caught my attention. I halt, look at him, and arch an eyebrow. “Heimdall worries about Thor too. I don’t understand though. Thor – knew- Jane was mortal. He knew she would die one day.”

“It is not merely that.” Fandral looks around, as if making sure no one is listening in on our conversation. “The problem is Nidud.”As I’m not familiar with that particular name, I frown. “Discussing the matter here where the walls have ears is unwise. Please Loki, join me later. Sif, Volstagg, Hogun and I need to talk to you. You know where the find us!” A sound coming from behind us makes Fandral look up alertly. “I cannot be seen talking to you. Loki, do not forget and find us!”

While I’m still thinking of an answer, Fandral turns and marches away in a fast pace. If I didn’t know any better, I would say he’s terrified. But why? And who frightens him? This Nidud he mentioned? How odd. I dismiss the matter for now and continue my way to Thor’s private rooms.

The guards there stand straighter at seeing me approach. I guess my face isn’t easy to forget and they recognized me even though I’m out of uniform and wearing my earthly clothes. “I wish to see Thor.” I’m curious to find out if they will let me pass. They can create quite a stir if they want to – I’ll turn them into frogs though before they get a chance to alarm the rest. 

Suddenly, they step aside, bow their heads, and open the door. Another surprising event. How come everyone seems relieved, or maybe even happy, to see me? 

I step into Thor’s rooms and grow alert. Something’s not right. It’s dark in here, except for the soft glow coming from the fireplace. Thor never liked the darkness the way I do. Scanning the room with my senses I encounter remnants of magic; magic which I encountered before. It feels familiar– it reeks of Dwarves. 

“Leave me alone!” 

The booming voice, which is unmistakably Thor’s, comes from the other side of the room. Narrowing my eyes to sharpen my view, I find Thor standing in the dark. His hair’s a mess, his eyes flash dangerously, and his whole demeanour warns me to be on my guard. This is not the mellow, pig-headed, but lovable Thor I have come to known throughout time. “Thor?”

“I said, leave me alone! I do not wish to be disturbed!”

Suddenly a goblet comes my way and I deflect it with my magic. What’s this? Thor attacking me? Did he lose his mind? “Thor, you know me, brother. I’m Loki.” Let’s see how he reacts to that.

“Loki?” Thor laughs – but it sounds bitter and angry. “Loki is dead, like Jane! Everyone I care for dies!”

My instincts kick in and tell me to be prepared. Something happened to Thor and it caused him to lose his mind – hopefully merely temporary! “Thor, I’m not dead. I’m very much alive.” Someone told him – made him believe -- that I’m dead. Someone convinced him of my death, and I reckon it happened right after Jane died. Hit with a double loss, Thor would be unbalanced and an easy target for anyone who wants to hurt him. But who would want to corrupt his mind? 

“You are a liar! You are not Loki! Loki died on Midgard, after having been betrayed by the Morrígan. She murdered him and I could not stop her! I failed my brother like I failed my lover!”

Whoever fed Thor these lies pisses me off and he or she had better run should I find out their identity. “Thor, it’s not true! Someone lied to you. See, I’m very much alive!” I feed the fire my energy so it grows stronger and illuminates most of the room. I get my first good look at Thor and hiss angrily at seeing the state he’s in. He’s a mere shadow of himself. What happened during these last few months? 

“You are an imposter! A liar! A trickster!”

Thor looks ready to charge; I know the signs only too well. I need to find a way to get through to him. “Of course I’m the trickster, Thor. I am the God of Mischief; a god who is still very much alive.” Thor however doesn’t seem to hear me. He storms towards me and I’m relieved to see that he’s without Mjolnir. I quickly move out of his path and appear again behind him. Thor, angered beyond reason, turns around, and charges again.

“I will kill you, imposter!”

This isn’t good. I need to find a way to take him out, but without actually harming him. I allow Thor to storm toward me again, but before he reaches me, I put a spell on him which Fay taught me. I reach into his mind, find the anger, and curl my fingers around it. “Stop, stop in your tracks, slow down!” Reaching the rational part of Thor’s mind’s difficult, but I find the calm in his mind and make it stronger. Thor blinks, looks at me in shock, and then collapses. He falls onto the ground, groans, and closes his eyes. 

Now that I stopped the attack, I squat next to him and examine Thor’s mind carefully. “Sorcery!” I almost forgot what it felt like – it’s the blackest sorcery I ever encountered. “Someone went to great lengths to cloud your mind, brother.” I’ll find out who did this to Thor, and when I do, the perpetrator better make sure he’s out of my reach, because I’ll rip him apart with my bare hands. 

//

Thor always was heavy. He must have lost a great deal of weight for me to be able to half drag and carry him to his bed. I roll him onto the mattress and sit down on the side. Thor’s a mess – he really is. How can he possibly rule Asgard the way he is? I lift my arm, rest my hand upon his brow, and probe his mind. At the moment, he’s asleep and I don’t think he’ll wake up soon. Although I would rather not follow Fandral’s advice -- seek him and his friends out-- I realize I must speak with them. I can’t leave Thor alone though. 

Nuada, who flew into safety the moment Thor attacked, sits near the ceiling. He’ll make a perfect guardian. “Watch over him and alert me, should something happen.” Reaching into the raven’s mind, I make sure he understands. Then I create an illusion – a mirror image of myself, making him look like I did when I still lived in Asgard. Looking at my doppelganger I remember how much I hated that helmet of mine. Too heavy and too damn uncomfortable, but unfortunately it was part of my ceremonial outfit, depicting my standing at court. 

After securing the area around the bed with my magic, I walk over to the door. I step into the corridor and find both guards are giving me curious looks. They must have heard the commotion inside but didn’t intervene. Why? “My brother is resting. Make sure no one interrupts his sleep – no one, do you hear me?” I’m not sure they’ll take orders from me, but since everyone seems so damned relieved that I’m back, they might listen. 

“We will make sure,” one of the guards said. 

“I’ll return shortly,” I tell them and turn to the left. I come to a standstill; should I first seek out my parents or Fandral? I do need to know what’s happening here. I decide to talk to Fandral first and visit my parents later. Hopefully I won’t run into Sif, but my chances of that happening are slim. Wherever Fandral is, Sif is close.

//

I push the door ajar, but don’t enter yet. I take in the room and its inhabitants first. Fandral already walks toward me, Volstagg sits at a table – with, how surprisingly, no food on it, and Hogun casts a look at me when he grows aware of my presence. Sif stands next to the fire and looks at me with an odd expression in her eyes – one which I can’t decipher.

“Thank you for following my advice,” Fandral says and quickly closes the door behind me. “We should be safe here.”

“Safe?” I look at him in wonder. “Why wouldn’t you be safe in Asgard?”

“Please Loki!” 

Fandral takes my arm and the glare I give him should tell him that I don’t appreciate him touching me, but he seems oblivious to it. He continues to pull me toward the centre of the room, where Hogun and Volstagg also gathered. “You had better remove your hand before I remove it for you,” I hiss at Fandral. Fandral however ignores my threat.

“Loki, we have much to tell you. You do not know how relieved we are that you are here.”

I shake my head at Fandral. “Which is decidedly odd. No one’s ever happy to see me.”

“Things have changed,” Hogun comments. “Asgard has changed, and most importantly, Thor has.”

“I went to visit him,” I admit, unwillingly slipping into that old sense of familiarity. The four of us used to be friends. We saved each other lives countless times. 

“What happened?” Sif asks in an agitated voice. “Did he recognize you?” 

“You didn’t expect him to recognize me,” I notice. “And you’re right; he attacked me. Told me I’m dead and that Fay killed me. He didn’t believe me when I told him I was still alive.”

Sif nods and her expression grows sad. “He has been like that since Jane died. It became apparent by then that he was not well. Thor acted odd even before Jane died, but never to such an extent. He was always able to rule Asgard; these days he is not fit to be her ruler anymore.”

The things I’m hearing worry me. “Jane’s death pushed him over the edge then. Was it seeing her growing old and weak that changed Thor?”

“No,” Volstagg says in a remarkably serious voice. “He accepted the fact that she was growing old and would die. He spoiled her every way possible. Thor did not start to change until he appeared.”

“Who?” I don’t like being kept in the dark. If I’m to help Thor I need to know what ails him. 

“Nidud! He stems from the land’s outskirts. When Odin was still King, he appointed Nidud as his advisor. Matters deteriorated when Nidud began counselling Thor after he ascended to the throne. You know what Thor is like,” Fandral says, his voice but a mere whisper. “He can be rash at times, but never cruel.”

Thor and cruel are words that don’t go together. Fandral is right; Thor might act rash. but never cruelly. 

“After Jane died, Thor mourned the loss –mourned her deeply. Then word reached us that you had fallen as well. Nidud told Thor that you had died – that Thor had failed to protect you. That drove Thor towards insanity.” Sif draws in a deep breath. “I do not recognize Thor these days. You have seen him; you know that he is no longer himself.”

I nod. “He’s under a spell of the darkest sorcery. I tasted it on him earlier. It feels familiar in a way. It reminds me of Sindri’s and Brok’s magic. It has the same texture.” I stare into the fire and try to make sense of everything I have heard so far. Talking to Nidud is on top of my list, but I need to do something else before I seek him out. “Why didn’t Odin intervene?”

Fandral lowers his gaze, Volstagg looks away, and Hogun remains quiet. In the end, I catch Sif’s gaze. “What happened to Odin?”

“Odin has weakened. While Thor’s madness grew stronger, Odin’s powers diminished. He tried to intervene, but lacked the strength. You will understand once you talk to him.” 

I appreciate it that Sif is honest with me. “I’ll visit with him next.”

“What about Thor? Do you think he is safe within his rooms? Do you want us to sit with him?” Fandral asks in a hopeful tone.

“You don’t need to. Nuada guards him and I took precautions. I’ll know it the moment someone approaches him.” But seeing the need in their eyes, I shrug. “If you want to sit with him, you can. I won’t stop you and neither will Nuada.”

“We will sit with him then. It has been months since he allowed us close.” Sif suddenly approaches and looks me in the eye. “Loki, we assumed you were dead. We never expected you to return to Asgard.”

“That explains why everyone’s stunned to see me.” But it doesn’t explain why everyone is also happy to see me. “I’ll talk to Odin now. I’ll join you in Thor’s rooms later.” I turn away from them, walk toward the doorway, open the door, and head for my father’s rooms.

//

Again, the guards open the doors at my request. Their stunned expressions make sense now, though I still wonder why anyone would like for me to return here. I step into my parents’ private chambers and scan the room for them. Frigga is closest to me and my mother immediately heads my way. The smile on her face is welcoming, though stunned. She wraps her arms around me and kisses me on the cheek.

“Loki! I am so glad you are here. I prayed for your return.”

I squeeze her back – gently. And when she lets go of me, I actually feel a bit embarrassed. I hope I didn’t grow flustered. 

“My son…” I cringe upon hearing how weak Odin sounds. He sits in the corner of the room and has a kind smile on his face. “Come over here, will you?” 

“Go to him. We did not expect to see you ever again. He mourned losing you, Loki.” 

I nod at my mother and move toward Odin, who manages to push himself to his feet. Sif didn’t exaggerate when she said that father had grown weak. He doesn’t merely look tired – he looks drained – like his energy has left him. “Father.” This time, it’s me wrapping my arms around him and I’m stunned to find he’s using me to support himself. Even though Odin’s old, he shouldn’t be so weak. “You had better sit down.” Odin nods and I lower him back onto his chair.

“I thought you had died.” Odin whispers in a fatigued voice. “I did not want to believe Nidud, but when Heimdall could not confirm you still lived, I lost hope.”

I pull up a chair, sit down opposite him, and allow him to gather my hands in-between his. His need to touch me is obvious; he needs to convince himself that I’m real. My mother walks toward us, sits down next to her husband, and smiles happily at both of us. “As you can see, the rumours of my death were greatly exaggerated,” I say, trying to make light of the situation. “I don’t die easily. You should know that.” Something tells me that they need a bit of cheering up. 

“You are right, my son. But after what happened lately, I did not dare to hope that you were still alive.” 

Odin refuses to let go of my hands and I let him caress my fingers. “I ran into Thor earlier and he refused to believe it’s me. He’s convinced I’m an illusion. That someone’s playing a trick on him. Sif told me about Nidud and that they suspect him to be involved.”

“Then you already know a great deal about our situation, which is grave,” Odin remarks. “Loki, Nidud is after the throne. I did not realize it in time – unfortunately -- and he gained too much power over the years. I am convinced that Thor’s pitiful state is his doing. You need to be careful, my son. Nidud will target you the moment he finds out you have returned.”

“Let him,” I say dismissively. “I’ll worry about him once I’m certain he’s the source of this mayhem.” Looking at my parents, I moisten my lips and start to feel nervous again. “I’m sorry that it took me so long to visit. I didn’t know Jane had died and that Thor was under a spell. If I had known, I would have acted sooner.”

Frigga nods and her fingers gently stroke my face. “You are here now, Loki. That is all what matters.”

“Loki, I do not know how Nidud’s powers work, but I am convinced he draws his strength from Thor and me. While Thor’s mind deteriorated, Nidud continued to gain power. Look at me, son. My powers are weakening as well. He is drawing them away from me.”

“That’s why you couldn’t intervene.” Concentrating on Odin, I realize that the black sorcery surrounds my father as well. Frigga seems unaffected though. “We must act.”

Odin nods and his eye begins to glow with hope. “You need to deal with Nidud. The question however is – how. You cannot count on Thor or me to help you this time.”

I recall a time when the two of them rescued me. The marks that the snake’s poison left on my skin never completely faded and I remember only too well in how much pain I was back then. If it hadn’t been for Thor and Odin, my agony would still continue. “I do need your help, father. I’m working on a plan, but I’ll need your support to make it work. And if you’re too weak, I need mother to support me.”

“You have it – our support, that is. Will you tell us about your plan? You always were the sly one and I have utmost faith in you.”

“I’m sorry, father, but I can’t. The sorcery surrounding you might help our adversary spy on us. I need to keep my plan to myself.” My gaze drifts off to Gungnir standing next to the fireplace. Odin catches my stare and cocks his head questioningly. “Could I possibly borrow Gungnir when the time comes?”

“You cannot use its power though. Only the rightful ruler of Asgard can.”

“I don’t plan on using Gungnir. I merely need your permission to carry it with me.”

“You have it. Loki, you might only get once chance to stop Nidud. You cannot afford any mistakes,” Odin says in a worried voice.

“I don’t plan on making mistakes. I merely need some time to work out the details and to spy a little on Nidud.”

“Loki,” Frigga says as she moves her chair closer to mine. “I will support you any way I can – just let me know how.”

“Thank you, mother.” I don’t know why, but realizing they trust me to take care of this matter makes me feel shy. “I’ll find a way to return Thor to us. I’ll undo the spell that clouds his mind. I merely require a little time.”

My gaze shifts from Frigga to Odin. His eye’s swimming with tears and his emotions are all over his face. “Don’t worry, father, Thor will return to you.”

“That is not why I am emotional,” Odin says. “I thought I had lost you a second time, and that this time, I had lost you to death. Loki, I missed you, Do not leave us again. Stay.”

Swallowing hard, I wonder what to say. “I’ll stay for now,” I give in. “We’ll see what happens after Thor’s back to being himself.” Odin smiles, caresses my hand one more time, and then releases it. “I promise you that we’ll succeed, father. This is about Thor – this is personal and I won’t rest until justice has been done!”

//

The Asgardians guarding Thor’s room open the door out of their own accord. Amused, I pass them by, and step inside, only to walk into Fandral. His gaze darts from my face to my mirror image sitting next to Thor at his bedside, and I realize, rather pleased that my illusion makes Fandral nervous. 

“It is most odd – seeing you sit there,” Sif states, pointing at my mirror image, “looking the way you did when you still lived here.”

With a flick of my wrist, I dispel the illusion. It served its purpose and I no longer have need for it.

“It also reminded me that you are officially still a part of the royal family,” Sif continues. “Looking at it in detail, -you- are next in line for the throne. Officially, you are Odin’s son and Thor’s heir, as he has no offspring of his own.”

That thought crossed my mind some time ago, but I wasn’t going to mention it to them. They might have thought that I was after the throne after all. The truth is that I never wanted to be King in the first place; I just wanted Thor to notice me. “I talked to Frigga and Odin. They convinced me that the situation’s grave indeed.” Four pairs of eyes focus on me. “I could use your help – if you want to help, that is. If not, I’ll do this on my own.” I doubt they trust me enough to offer their assistance though.

“In what way can we help?” Volstagg’s eyes fill with hope. “We will do whatever we can.”

“In that case…” I signal for them to follow me into the next room. I can’t run the risk of our enemy eavesdropping on us through Thor. “I need you to do something for me.” Sif’s gaze still carries some suspicion, but I can tell that she’ll offer her help as well. “I need you to find out if Nidud has any spies or accomplices within these walls. Whom does he rely on? Who serves him?”

Fandral and Hogun exchange looks and then nod. “We can find out for you.”

“Good.” Knowing allies from enemies will help. “I have another assignment for you though,” I say, addressing Sif.

“And what might that be?” Sif rests her hands on her hips and looks challengingly at me.

“I need you to gather a crowd in the throne room tomorrow afternoon. I need everyone to be there; Nidud, his spies, our friends, and yourselves. I plan on challenging Nidud and I need your support in the matter. Thor can’t do this himself and I’ll act in his stead. I need to know though if you’ll back me up. If you don’t, my plan might fail. No matter what happens, I must have your support.” I know I’m asking for a lot – in the past, they distrusted me and some of the suspicion remained.

Sif and the other warriors exchange looks. I decide to give them a chance to discuss the matter in private and head for Thor’s bedroom. He’s still asleep and I sit down on the bed, resting my back against the wall, and manoeuvring Thor’s head to rest against my thigh. I rest my right hand on his head and slide my fingers through his hair. Hopefully my presence will register with him when he wakes. Thor realizing I’m still alive will help me break the spell he’s under.

A few minutes later, Sif and the other warriors join me again. “What did you decide?” Without their support defeating my enemy will be harder, but not impossible. I’d rather have them back me up though.

Sif addresses me in a determined voice. “You have our support.”

I actually feel relieved at hearing that. “Thank you, and now, you might want to get to work. I’ll stay with Thor and ensure he’s safe.” Sif looks like she’s about to protest, but then nods, and the four of them march out of the door. Now that I’m alone with Thor it’s time to work on the spell. Nuada, who watches me closely, knows what I need from him – silence. “Warn me though, should someone enter the room. I might be otherwise engaged.” Nuada calls out softly and his gaze remains trained on the doorway.

“Let us do this, brother, and pray I haven’t lost any of my former spell-casting abilities. It’s been a while since I dealt with Dwarfish magic.” I move until Thor’s head rests in my lap. I place my hands at either side of his head and let myself fall into his mind. Thor’s thoughts resemble quicksand and they try to pull me under, but I fight and find a way to the surface again. “No, you won’t defeat me so easily.” I’m confident that I can break this spell; it’s a strong spell, but I’m a force to reckon with as well! 

“It’s Dwarfish by origin,” I murmur, certain of its source. I’m stunned though that they would dare to attack the King of Asgard, especially after the beating they suffered fifty years ago. Or is this belated revenge? Did they bide their time and realized their moment had come when Jane had died? No matter what, I push against the barriers of the spell, reach deep within my soul, and draw on my love for Thor. Battering away at the alien magic, I force it back- then, quite unexpectedly, the spell shatters beneath my attack. It wasn’t as well-built as I had thought after all – or did I grow stronger during the years?

“Done!” I draw in a series of deep breaths in order to centre myself and Nuada suddenly cries out in alarm. The door opens and I’m ready to attack my foe when Frigga appears in the doorway.

“Loki, are you fine? How does Thor fare? I do not know why, but all of a sudden, my heart grew cold.”

I beckon for her to sit down on the side of the bed and try to reassure her. “Maybe you sensed me breaking the spell. I was right – this is the work of the Dwarves. Maybe they realized their chance and used Jane’s death in order to get to Thor.” After all, Thor, Odin, and I, retrieved Gungnir and Mjolnir from Thrym’s keep. As they can’t get to the Morrígan they might have decided to avenge themselves on Thor and Odin instead.

My mother rests the palm of her hand against Thor’s brow and searches his face. “I worry for him, Loki. His powers have weakened – he is a mere shadow these days.”

“Don’t worry; he’ll grow strong again. I’ll see to that.” Now that the spell has been broken, I can speak freely. “Father’s too weak to appear in the throne room tomorrow – am I right?”

She nods. “He can barely walk. Why do you need him to come to the throne room?”

“I need his support. I intend to draw out our enemy. In order to do that, I need you to be there. Father too, if possible. Maybe Sleipnir can carry him?” Sleipnir will keep Odin safe in case of an attack, I’m certain of that.

“That might work,” Frigga says, agreeing. “Loki, be careful tomorrow. Whoever wants Thor insane and your father weakened will attack you as well.”

“I’ve my own tricks and some Fay taught me. Oh, would you do me another favour? I need Gungnir tomorrow and my ceremonial uniform, including that damn helmet.”

“What is wrong with your helmet?” Frigga looks surprised. 

“It’s heavy and uncomfortable, but I still need it. Make sure everything is delivered to Thor’s rooms.”

“Not yours?”

“I plan on staying here – at Thor’s side. The enemy might want to bring Thor under his control again and I need to stop that from happening.”

“I will take care of everything,” Frigga promises as she rises from the bed. “And Loki, please be careful. Your father might not survive losing you a third time.”

I sense the sincerity and fear behind those words. “I promise to be careful.” But what’s life without taking risks? If I want the enemy to reveal himself, I might need to take a risk – and for Thor’s sake, I will.

// 

Several hours pass before Thor stirs from his sleep. I look at him, smooth blond hair back from his face, and tuck it behind an ear. Part of me fears Thor waking up while another can’t wait for him to open his eyes and realize I’m near. His eyelids tremble and Thor moans in obvious discomfort. It’ll take time for him to regain his strength. “Don’t move, Thor. You need to rest. Stay the way you are. Stay –where- you are.” In my arms…

Thor’s eyes open and his gaze is unfocused at first. “Try harder, brother, I know you can do this. Listen to my voice and let it guide you.” I slip a hand beneath his neck and support him when Thor moves his head so he can focus on me. His eyes grow lucid and his gaze clears. “Yes, that’s it. I told you that you could do this.”

Thor gasps and his mind reaches out for mine – tightly holding on once he found my thoughts. “You’re safe, Thor. Whoever worked their magic on you failed. I undid the spell.”

“Lo…ki?”

He sounds so damn weak that it awakes my anger all over again. I – will- have the hide of the one who did this to him. “Yes, it’s me. I’m not dead, I’m alive. Dearest brother, you should know better than to believe that I would let anyone kill me. You – know- me. I’m the sly one.” I mix in a teasing tone, as I want him to feel comfortable. “You still feel weak. I promise you that it’ll only be temporary.”

“Loki…” 

A familiar smile appears on Thor’s face, and seeing it makes my heart miss a beat. How I missed having Thor close – having him smile at me in that way. “Thor, I hate doing this to you, but we need to talk. You can rest later.” He nods weakly and I continue to stroke his hair. “Who did this to you? Sif thinks it’s your advisor – Nidud.” The moment I speak the name Thor begins to shake like a leaf. “I reckon that answers the question.” I draw in a deep breath in order to calm myself. “He’ll pay for what he did to you.” Thor raises his right hand, which also shakes, and places its palm against my cheek.

“He is… dangerous, Loki. He will kill you if he can… Not openly…but he will stab you… in the back.” His hand threatens to fall back onto the bed, but I catch it and twine our fingers instead. “Need you to…” 

Speaking exhausts him and I place a finger against his lips. “I’ve got a plan. Don’t worry about me, Thor, I need to ask you one question though.” He nods again, even weaker than the first time. “I intend to challenge Nidud tomorrow, and if I can, expose him. I need your help though. Make me Asgard’s King for one day, just for tomorrow.”

Thor gives me an indescribable look, which causes me to chuckle. “Don’t worry; I have no desire to take your place. Ruling Asgard is the last thing on my mind, but I’d rather not bluff tomorrow. If Nidud calls me on it, I’ll have to improvise and I don’t think you’ll like that. Hopefully I won’t have to tear down the throne room in order to prove my point to Nidud.”

A loving smile spreads across Thor’s face, and his fingers, still twined with mine, move gently across my skin. “Loki, I name… you Asgard’s King… You are the rightful King… Use your power wisely.”

“You didn’t have to do that just yet. I only need to use Gungnir tomorrow. I can only do though if I –am- King.” Thor’s trust in me makes me feel humble. “You never stopped believing in me, did you? Even back then, when I sent the Destroyer after you.”

Thor’s smile turns rueful. “I knew…I had wronged you… I wanted to make amends… but did not know how… Your hatred was so strong… and all I wanted was to love you… and for you to love me back.”

“That’s in the past now. Let’s not worry about it. I need you to focus the energy you have left in order to grow stronger. Now that the spell no longer affects you, your strength should return to you. You’ll be up and about shortly, taking your rightful place as King again. I’ll make sure you do.”

“You will… do well… ruling Asgard… I trust you… Loki…I trust you.”

“I won’t betray that trust,” I vow and place a kiss onto his brow. “Now I need you to go back to sleep. Sleeping will help you recover.” My face hovers a mere inch above Thor’s and I see the love in his eyes. “Sleep, Thor, rest.” I use a little bit of my magic to ease his mind and help him go to sleep. “You’re safe now. No one will hurt you again, I promise you.”

//

Sif and Fandral return later that night. Thor’s still asleep and I leave the bed only reluctantly. I don’t want to disturb his sleep however, and gesture for Sif and Fandral to join me in the adjourning room. 

“Did you make any progress yet where Thor is concerned?” Sif sounds nervous – like she’s afraid I won’t be able to help Thor.

“I broke the spell. Thor’s asleep now and it’s a healing sleep. Regaining his strength will take time, but I’m certain he’ll go back to being his charming self within the next few days.” He’ll need time to deal with Jane’s death of course, but we’ll support him. “Thor also believes Nidud is the enemy. As I said earlier, I have a plan, but I can’t carry it out until tomorrow. Now tell me, what did you find out?” I lean against the wall and close my eyes – concentrating on the information they’ll hopefully give me.

Fandral says, “As far as we can tell, Nidud operates on his own. He keeps to himself, trusts no one, and talks to no one.”

“I don’t think that he operates on his own. He simply doesn’t communicate with his spies in a way you can see. What about the crowd? Did you manage to convince people to come to the throne room tomorrow evening?” This time I address Sif.

“I needed to bait them, so I said that Odin wants to address the Asgardians. Nidud was close enough to overhear me saying it. I am certain a large number of people will gather in the throne room during the evening.”

“Excellent! And you actually spoke the truth!” As I’m working out the details in my mind, I don’t see her reaction. She stares at me in surprise.

“Odin will address his people?” she asks, making sure she didn’t misunderstand. “But I thought he was too weak for a public appearance!”

“Oh, he’s still weak, but I’ll work around that. You did well, thank you for helping me.” In my mind, I’m working on all the possible outcomes of my plan. I need to plan ahead and prepare myself for every possible situation which might occur.

“Are you going to share your plans with us?” Fandral asks. “We might not have been the best of friends in the past, but I hope you realize that you can trust us these days.”

Fandral’s words cause me to turn around and look at them. “I don’t trust anyone, except for Thor and Fay.” I didn’t mean to come across as embittered, but I still carry the past within me. “I’ll fight Nidud because Thor’s important to me and I need to know him safe. That’s it.”

Sif freezes at first, but then her expression turns into sorrow. “Loki, all of us made mistakes, but we also deserve second chances.”

I shrug. “I don’t need your friendship, I don’t want your approval. I can do without those. I always did in the past.”

Sif sighs. “I am sorry we hurt you, but you hurt us in turn.”

“This conversation’s over,” I state coldly. “It’s up to you whether you’ll back me up tomorrow or not, I couldn’t care less.” It’s a lie, but I don’t care – I don’t want them to think that they matter to me.

“You are making sure you cannot get hurt again,” Sif whispers. “By pretending you do not care about us, you prevent us from getting close to you.”

I choose to ignore that command. “You know the way out.” I march out of the room and return to Thor’s side. I ignore Sif and Fandral when they leave. Sif figured me out, but I won’t give her the satisfaction of admitting that.

//

I need to talk to my father, but I don’t want to leave Thor on his own either. In the end, I recreate my mirror image, place him near the bed, and tell Nuada to be vigilant. I leave Thor’s room and sneak into the next corridor where my parents’ chambers are located. 

I’m not alone though – someone’s reaching out, trying to locate me. Feeling a touch of magic, I react instinctively. I change my shape into Sif’s and shield my mind – making sure my thoughts are invisible and no one can poke around in my mind. I sense a source of magic up ahead and it’s closing in on me. It’s the same sort of sorcery which I encountered when I broke the spells that bound Thor and Odin. Will my enemy reveal himself to me then? Or is he unaware I can sense him? Suddenly someone rounds the corner and comes towards me. It’s Nidud – I caught several images of him in Thor’s mind earlier. That stinking sorcery clings to him, telling me he’s the enemy all right.

“Lady Sif,” he says, as he passes me by. “I did not expect to find you here.”

Keeping my wits about me, I act the part. I know Sif’s little mannerisms and it’s easy to duplicate them. “Allfather called for me. He is growing worse and I worry for him.”

“I pray he will recover shortly.” Nidud nods once and walks away.

I’m careful not to stare after him, but I imprint his mind in my thoughts so I’ll recognize him and his minions. He must have left his mark on them. That stench follows him everywhere he goes. I continue my walk to my father’s chambers and the doors open again; this time because the Royal Guards assume that I’m Sif. I step inside and meet my father’s surprised gaze. 

”Sif, why are you here?”

It’s good to know that I can actually fool my father if I need to. “It’s me, don’t you recognize me?” I change my appearance and walk toward him in my normal form. “I encountered Nidud just now and had to improvise.”

“Your gifts run deeper than I ever imagined,” Odin says and I hear a hint of admiration in his voice. “I wonder what else you can do.”

“Let’s hope we’ll never have to find out. I for one don’t want to know what I’m capable of.” I sit down close to my father and watch him. An aura of pitch-black sorcery surrounds him and it’s draining him. After breaking the spell which kept Thor prisoner, it’s easier for me to see the invisible cage that holds Odin. “Do you trust me?” Odin blinks, as my question obviously surprises him and I wonder how long it’ll take him to answer me. 

“You are my son, I trust you.”

I had hoped he would say that, but I wasn’t sure. “In that case, I need you to let me enter your mind. I promise that I won’t do any damage, I just want to rid you of the spell that’s draining you of your strength. He enchanted both of you, Thor and you. I was able to remove the spell he put on Thor and I believe I can do the same thing for you. You need to trust me though. If you fight me, I won’t be able to help.”

“I trust you, my son.”

I nod, rise from the chair, and walk toward him. I come to a halt standing behind him and carefully position my hands at either side of his head. His thick, gray hair moves through my fingers and I try hard to block out any unwanted emotions. “Relax, if you can.” I dive into his mind; the spell that binds him is similar to Thor’s, but it’s stronger and older. “He got to you first. His hold on you is stronger.” I’ll need to do my utmost best to break this spell. I close my eyes and concentrate. I fall into my father’s mind and focus on the task at hand. Beating this spell’s tiresome and wears me down. I refuse to give up though and batter against its defences.

I lose track of time, but eventually I succeed. I burn a hole into the dark energy where it’s the weakest, and from there, I use my own energy to dismantle the spell. When the magic finally collapses into itself, it lashes out at me, and I scream the moment it pierces my mind, trying to do as much damage as it can. “No,” I whisper determinedly. “You won’t defeat me!” Its power weakens until it extinguishes itself – it literally burned itself to ashes. Lacking the energy to support myself, I fall onto my knees and wrap my arms around my waist. Strong--- that spell was much stronger and darker than the one which I removed from Thor’s mind. Does that mean I’m dealing with two sorcerers and not just one? 

“Loki?” 

Odin’s voice doesn’t register with me at first. I don’t react until hands pull me to my feet, only to lower me onto a chair. 

“Loki?”

How odd; that’s not my father’s voice. It’s Sif’s. 

“Loki, are you wounded? Talk to me!”

It’s Sif all right – pushy as always. “Let me be!”

“I would say he is growing stronger, Allfather.”

“Thank you for rushing over here, Sif.”

They continue to talk, but I lock them out. I focus on the remnants of magic that linger in the room. Is it the same kind of sorcery which imprisoned Thor? No, it’s different, damn! Not one enemy, but two of them. This complicates matters! I open my eyes and want to get to my feet, but my body refuses to work. I exhausted myself by removing that spell. Feeling worried, I reach out to Thor, but his sleep remains peaceful. He isn’t in any danger, but what’s that? There is another presence in his room. Fandral… It’s only Fandral, standing guard near the bed and I relax again. 

“There are two of them,” I whisper as I rest the back of my head against the comfort of the chair and seek out my father’s gaze. “Two sorcerers of different strengths. They’re both strong, but the one who enchanted you is truly a force to reckon with.”

Odin’s gaze is already more lucid and the lines on his face appear less tired. I have the feeling he’ll recover faster than Thor. “Two of them,” I repeat. I must adjust my plan and I already know how. Odin takes my right hand into his and squeezes gently. 

“I feel different already. Thank you, Loki.”

I dismiss his words. “You must be careful. They’ll try to put you under their spell again. Trust no one.”

“I will be cautious, Loki, you should rest.”

“No, I don’t have time for that.” I feel Sif’s eyes upon me and hate the fact that she sees me in this weakened state. “Listen closely, father. Tomorrow, you’ll mount Sleipnir and ride into the throne room. Make sure you speak loudly enough for everyone to hear – tell them that Thor’s no longer fit to rule Asgard and that he decided to hand that power to someone else. Don’t mention my name at that point. I need to draw them out. The moment the enemy realizes what’s happening, they’ll reveal themselves. Whatever happens, father, don’t get involved. If there’s a fight, let me deal with it.” Damn, that little speech tired me. “By now, they’ll know that someone broke their spells. They might not know it was me though and I want to keep it that way as long as possible.” 

Summoning my will, I push myself to my feet. My steps aren’t steady, but I reach Gungnir and wrap my fingers around the spear. It reacts at once – recognizing me as its rightful master. Hopefully neither Odin, nor Sif notices this. “I’m taking Gungnir with me.” I turn around, and suddenly Odin stands in front of, giving me an odd look. “I’ll return Gungnir to you the day after tomorrow. I have no intention of keeping it.” I’ll need it though to defend myself should our enemies decide to attack.

“Something is different about you, Loki, Gungnir came alive the moment you touched it.” Odin eyes me closely. “What are you not telling me?”

I’m too tired for another confrontation, but I know my father – he won’t let me go until he knows the truth. “Thor named me King; I must be able to use Gungnir’s power, as I don’t know what the enemy will throw at me. Rest assured though, I have no intention of abusing his trust or Gungnir’s power.” I never asked for any of this. I never wanted to rule Asgard again – even for a day.

Odin remains quiet for another minute, but then a smile appears on his ancient face. “I never thought I would live to see this day, Loki, I thought I would never say this, but you will make a fine King – even if it is only for a short time.”

Realizing I have been holding my breath, I exhale. “I’ll sit with Thor until it’s time to draw them out.” Odin is blocking my path and I wonder if he’ll let me pass. Gungnir is his, even though I’m entitled to use it. Odin however steps aside and gestures for me to pass. 

“Sif, escort him to Thor’s rooms. A little extra protection can’t hurt,” he says, monitoring me closely.

I roll my eyes at him and shake my head, but I’ll obey. “If that is your wish, father.”

“It is.” Odin briefly rests his hand on my shoulder, but then removes it. “Be careful, Loki. I do not wish to lose you a third time.”

“I’ll be careful,” I promise, but I don’t mean it. Tomorrow, being careful won’t be an option. If I want to draw out our enemies, I must show myself – and my new powers.

//

Abusing Gungnir in order to support myself, I make my way back to Thor’s rooms. Sif offered her assistance, but I moved away from her when she tried to support me. I almost stumbled and fell because of that. After that, she kept her distance, but I can tell my action irritates her. She addressed me, but I remained quiet. I’m not interested in talking to her.

“Loki,” she says once we arrive at Thor’s chambers. “I want you to know that I do not hate you.”

I ignore her, step into Thor’s rooms, and slam the door shut behind me. I instantly regret doing that, as the noise causes Thor to wake up. He seems confused at first, but then he recognizes me.

“Brother!”

He still sounds weak, but not as lost as he did right after I broke the spell. I place Gungnir close to the bed and lower myself onto it. I’m tired –damn tired, which is bad timing. I need to be rested upon facing Nidud and his accomplices. My mirror image still sits there, guarding Thor, and I pull him back into me. Maintaining his image uses up extra energy, which I can’t spare at the moment. 

“You look tired.”

“You look bad yourself.” I rest my back against the wall and stretch my legs. This fatigue is nothing a few hours of rest can’t fix. The thing that irks me though is that I need to keep watch tonight and can’t sleep. If Nidud is as cunning as I believe he is, he might make a move tonight. Thor somehow manages to elbow himself into a similar position to mine and looks at me until I feel forced to close my eyes. After freeing Odin of that spell and having Sif trying to befriend me, I can’t deal with Thor looking at me in that particular way.

“You saved me, you know that, do you not? If you had not broken that spell, I would have drowned in madness. It would have killed me in the end.”

Apparently Thor wants to discuss this now, and knowing him the way I do, there will be no sleep for me until I talked to him. “What did you expect me to do? Turn my back on you?”

“You do not need to be defensive around me, brother. Someone got beneath your skin for you to react like that.”

“Nothing like that happened.” I react too strongly and so Thor knows he’s right. “I merely broke the spell that was draining father of his powers. You do not merely have one enemy, Thor. There are two of them, at the least. Same spell, but different spell casters.”

“Open your eyes and look at me, please.”

Why must he insist on discussing this now when I need to rest? I open my eyes and look at him, like he requested. He does look bad. “You lost a great deal of weight.” His eyes lay sunken in his face and the pallor of his skin indicates he’s far from being healed. He’ll heal though – it just takes time.

“I am glad you are here.”

Thor is definitely going to make this hard on me. “Thor, go back to sleep. We need to rest –both of us.”

“I cannot possibly sleep when we have so much to discuss.”

“Can we please discuss it in a few days? I’m going to confront two sorcerers tomorrow and I need to be rested if I want to take them out. Please, Thor, not now.” Thor’s eyes search mine and I want to avert my gaze, but he won’t allow it. He’ll make me establish eye-contact again.

“I will indulge you, but tell me one thing…”

I grow suspicious at hearing that. “What do you want to know?” There’s an odd expression on Thor’s face and I don’t know what to make of it.

“Now that you are back, will you stay?”

It’s odd that he would ask me the same question Odin did. Why is it so damn important to them that I remain here? “Thor, I can’t make any promises. I don’t belong on Asgard any more – not entirely. I have a life on Earth as well.” That seems to upset Thor. 

“Because you want to be with her?”

The tone of Thor’s voice tells me how stressed and tense he is. “No, not because of Fay. She’s a free spirit and comes as goes as she pleases. We don’t claim to possess the other. She loves me and I love her. We award each other the freedom we need. It’s different from what you had with Jane.” I didn’t want to bring up Jane yet, but stalling won’t do any good either. “The two of you belonged together. You stayed together until the end, Fay and I, it’s different.”

“Jane…” Thor sighs and quickly closes his eyes. I saw the tears swimming in them though. “I knew she would die one day. We talked about her death, that she wanted me to remember her, but she also wanted me to carry on. She didn’t want me to despair over her death. She will always live on in my heart, brother.”

“Your love was less complicated. After all, you weren’t dating the Goddess of War and Death.” Just like I had hoped, my remark does the trick. A smile returns to Thor’s face and he opens his eyes again. 

“I should have known you would end up with someone like that. Would you have settled for someone more… ordinary? Someone not being the deity of destruction?”

This time, Thor makes me laugh. “I honestly don’t know the answer to your question.” I’m lying though and feel guilty about manipulating him. I could have loved someone else, I still love that person, I’ll never stop loving him. “Can we go to sleep now, Thor? If they succeed in ripping my mind apart tomorrow, you’re to blame.”

“We cannot have that, can we?” Thor turns onto his side and continues to observe me. “Do you remember the way we held each other at night when we were young? I would wait until mother had left and then I would sneak into your bed. I felt alone and you made that gloomy feeling go away.”

There’s no way I can deny him, and damn him, he knows it. “Of course, I remember.”

“I want to experience that again, Loki, do you not?”

Thor knows how to wind me around his little finger – he always did. I open my arms, he moves into them, and then he wraps me up in an embrace of his own. I rest my head against his shoulder and relish feeling like this. Thor must feel the same way – I know it. 

“Let us sleep. Tomorrow will be a long and tiring day and we should start it rested.”

I wish I could go to sleep, but someone needs to remain awake in case Nidud attacks. While Thor drifts off into sleep, I threaten to lose myself by just looking at him. I’m tired though – drained, and sleep tugs at my mind too.

You can go to sleep, my love. I’ll watch over the two of you tonight. I’ll stand guard. No evil will touch you.

I sense her presence at once and then detect her form near the doorway. It’s not Fay though. It’s the Morrígan, ready to fight off any intruders. Thank you.

Go to sleep and pray no one will attack you tonight, for if they do, there won’t be much left of them in the morning save for a pool of blood and blistered skin!

// 

Loki, wake up!

Her mind voice wakes me just in time to hear the commotion in the corridor. Screams echo through the passageway and I realize I was right; the enemy made a move. I can only hope the Morrígan didn’t kill the attacker for I want to question him. 

You are too late.

Damn, she killed him. I sit upright, put my feet onto the floor, and quickly cover the distance to the door. Thor’s awake as well and apparently intends to follow me, but I turn around and say, “Stay where you are! Someone wants to kill you! Don’t make it easy for them in case another attacker lurks in the shadows.” I don’t think that’s the case though; the Morrígan would have dealt with him. Thor wavers, but then stays put. Good, one thing less to worry about.

I fling open the door and shake my head at seeing the mess she made. “You had to decapitate him, didn’t you?” The enemy’s head rolled to the other end of the corridor. It’s not Nidud though; I didn’t expect him to appear in person at any rate.

“He was quick,” the Morrígan replies while she shifts back to Fay’s form. “I could have taken him alive, but then the guards wouldn’t have survived. What would you have preferred?”

The guards, trained warriors, actually look rather intimidated and I don’t blame them. They didn’t know a third warrior stood guard. Addressing them, I ask, “Do you know him?” I point at the head of the corpse. 

“His name is… was Egil,” one of the guards replies, still shaken.

“Egil.” The name means nothing to me. “Carry him inside,” I tell them and point at Thor’s rooms. I need to learn all I can about him, and if that means studying his corpse, I will.

“What happened here? Is Thor all right?” Sif and Fandral round the corner and almost stumble over the head. 

“Careful, I still need that.” I tell them. One of the guards picks up the head and carries it inside while the other one collects the rest of the body. “Put it on the table.”

Thor managed to get to his feet and takes in the scene looking quite stunned. “Loki, what happened?”

“I thought the enemy might make a move tonight and it appears that I was right.” Turning my head, I find Sif and Fandral joined us as well. The guards remain close as well, eyeing the corpse closely, almost expecting it to come to life again. The only one who seems comfortable is Fay, who leans against the doorway. Thank you, I tell her. She nods and smiles at me. 

“Loki! Thor, is anyone injured?”

Great, now my parents decided to join us as well. How am I ever going to concentrate with everyone crowding the room? Odin however comes to a halt upon seeing Fay. 

“You…”

“Don’t worry, Allfather. I won’t stay long. I merely visited to save your sons’ lives.” 

As Fay doesn’t seem concerned, I relax. Odin stays at a respectable distance where she is concerned though, which makes me chuckle. My father will never trust her. “Will everyone please leave the room? I need to concentrate!” No one moves though and I direct my stare at them – questioningly. The guards are the first to lose their calm and say, “We are sworn to protect our King, since danger is near we cannot leave.”

Great, that’s just great. Maybe I can get Sif and Fandral to leave though and I look at them next.

“Forget about it, Loki. We are staying too.”

And there is no way I can tell my parents to go away. They worry about Thor as it is. “Fine, stay, but be quiet and let me concentrate.”

You can be quite bitchy at times.

Fay’s words make me sigh. Can you blame me? I need to find all I can about our attacker and they’re crowding me.

They’re here because they care about Thor – and you, Loki.

Thankfully she grows quiet and I step closer to the corpse. Normal height, normal weight. Nothing out of the ordinary except for the stench that clings to him. Lifting my arms, I allow for my hands to hover above the body. “This is the one who put a hex on you, Thor. His magic is of the same texture.” But something doesn’t make sense; his magic carries a distinct Dwarfish scent. “He isn’t what he seems.” Someone approaches me, and comes to a stand behind me. I’m about to lash out at the person when I see it’s Thor. His gaze’s trained on the corpse in front of me.

“He did this to me?” Thor points at himself – at the state he’s in.

“Yes, he did, but he can no longer harm you, brother.” Concentrating on our attacker once more, I set my own magic to work and quickly find another spell at work. “A transformation spell. Just as I thought.” I set to removing layer after layer until the core of the spell is revealed. I hiss in anger and shatter the last remnant of sorcery that protects our attacker. “Yes!” A moment later his body begins to glow and then his shape changes. Instead of looking at a tall Asgardian, I’m looking at a Dwarf. “I knew it,” I whisper ominously. “I knew it all along,” The Dwarves are behind this – they probably want to avenge their brethren who died fifty years ago. Thor moves forward, but his mind is too quick and his body still slow. I catch him when he threatens to topple over and steady him by wrapping an arm around him. “I hate Dwarves,” I whisper.

Odin steps closer to the table as well. “I know him. His name is Eitri, Kin to Sindri. A master at his craft and of magic.”

At least I have got a name now. “Eitri.” This means Nidud might also be a Dwarf, using a spell to alter his appearance so he looks Asgardian. I beckon the guards to come closer. “Remove him from these rooms. Make sure his remains are burned. If someone comes to claim his remains, arrest him and notify me.” The guards obey and carry the Dwarf out of the room. 

I guide Thor back to the bed, where he sits down. It vexes me that he’s still so weak. “You need to rest.” Thor nods, lies down, and closes his eyes. 

“Loki? Loki!”

I shake the feeling that overwhelmed me and tear my gaze away from Thor. I can’t lose myself gazing at him. Looking at the rest, I realize each and every one of them is giving me odd looks. “What?” I bark the word at them, march away from the bed, and turn my back to them. Couldn’t you have stayed a little longer? I would have appreciated your support! I chide Fay, who disappeared.

They are –your- friends and family, Loki, not mine. Your problem, my dear, not mine.

She doesn’t intend to be mean and I know it. It’s just her way of making it clear that I need to deal with them. 

“Do you still want to continue with your plan after what happened tonight?” Fandral asks. “You realize you will put yourself in danger tomorrow?”

“I’m used to living on the edge,” I say dismissively. “And if it gets really bad, maybe someone will watch my back.”

“The Morrígan? “ Sif whispers questioningly.

“I doubt it. She left.” She won’t save my ass a second time and I don’t mind. This is my fight, not hers. She already helped out more than she needed to. 

“In that case, we will cover your back,” Fandral says in a passionate voice.

I do my best to shut them out, but it’s not as easy as it used to be – mainly because I sense they’re sincere. I calm down, turn around, and face them. “Thank you for your support,” I say, trying to remain emotionally distanced. “Now that the danger has passed, everyone can return to their rooms. Nidud knows he failed and won’t try again. He’ll make his move tomorrow and we had better be prepared for it.”

“Fandral and I will stand guard until you leave for the throne room – just to make sure Thor and you are safe,” Sif says and her resolute tone tells me this isn’t up for discussion. 

I nod once, and the two of them leave, taking up position in the corridor. That leaves only my parents. Frigga sits on the side of the bed and strokes Thor’s hair. She rises from the bed, walks towards me, and rests her hands on either side of my head. “Thank you for returning and keeping our family safe.” She leans in closer and whispers, “Odin is already growing stronger, I can tell the difference.” I nod again, simply accepting what she told me. Frigga releases me and walks over to the doorway, where Odin’s waiting for her. “Be careful, my son,” she says and then they are gone as well. 

Peace and quiet finally returns to the room and I center myself – mentally adding the new information I just learned to my game plan for tomorrow. I can’t afford to slip up. 

//

“Must you stare at me like that?” Thor’s getting on my nerves. It’s not his fault I’m on edge, but he’s the only one present and therefore at the receiving end of my wrath. 

“Forgive me, brother,” Thor says, but his tone is far from repentant. “It has been a long time since I saw you dressed like that.”

I have been wearing my uniform for exactly ten minutes and remember why I used to hate it – my helmet especially. “In that case, stare all you want, for I doubt you’ll ever see me wear it again!” I adjust the helmet, check my clothes, and slip into my ceremonial cloak. 

“You look fine,” Thor says. He gives me a thoughtful look and then adds, “Loki, you -do- realize that you are next in line of the throne? You – are- my heir. Whether you like it or not.”

I know it pains him that he doesn’t have any children, but we don’t get to decide our future – it’s decided for us. “Get that out of your head, brother. I’m only doing this once – today. Tomorrow, you’ll go back to being King.” I curl my fingers around Gungnir. The spear warms beneath my touch, greeting its master. “Remember what I told you – regardless of what happens, you stay here. I need to know you’re safe. I can’t worry about your well-being when taking on Nidud.”

“I wish you would reconsider…” Thor rises from the bed and walks over to me. Although he still looks too thin and pale, his strength is returning. “I dislike the fact that you will face our enemy without me close. I can still lift Mjolnir. I can watch your back.”

Thor’s closer than he should and my concentration starts to slip. Instead of focusing on Nidud, my mind wanders off to Thor – to the way he smells and how close he is – so close that I can actually feel his body warmth. “We discussed this, Thor. Let me be your champion just this once. I know it sounds ridiculous, but I’m the only one who can defeat Nidud at the moment. Once you’re back to your normal self, you can go knock down each Dwarf or Giant you encounter.” Suddenly, Thor slips his hands around my waist and turns me toward him. I force myself to meet his gaze and don’t falter. 

“Loki,” Thor says, while cocking his head and smiling at me. “I believe in you. You will defeat Nidud, I merely dislike the fact that I cannot aid you.”

“Thor,” I whisper his name and shake my head. “Accept things the way they are and help me by staying here.”

“I will – this once – for your sake.”

Certain emotions make it hard for me to breathe. He’s close and the expression in his eyes is quite something. I step away from him; worried I might lose my self-control and actually kiss him. 

“Loki, keep your mind open. I want to know what transpires once you are in the throne room. Do not lock me out.”

I can do that. “Don’t expect me to talk to you though. I need to keep my wits about me. One false move and there may no longer be a head on my shoulders.”

“Be safe.” 

Thor enfolds me in a hug and holds me close, unwillingly making it very hard for me to breathe. I quickly free myself of his arms and ignore the surprised expression in his eyes. Thor couldn’t have picked a worse moment to pull me into his arms. It’s distracting! A knock on the door tells me it’s time for me to head for the throne room. “Remember, you promised!”

“I will not put myself in any danger,” Thor says. “Be careful out there, Loki.”

I nod and head for the door. I open it, and step into the corridor where Sif and Fandral are still keeping watch. “Someone needs to stay with Thor.”

“Volstagg will,” Sif says and Volstagg marches into the room. 

Thor objects to Volstagg guarding him, but eventually grows quiet. I don’t look at Thor again; I simply head for the throne room. Sif and Fandral fall into step next to me and I want to lash out at them and tell them to leave, but then I remember Fay’s words. Maybe this isn’t the right time to be bitchy. Maybe I’ll need their support later today.

///

“You never told us your exact plans,” Fandral muses when we approach the throne room. “Will you tell us now?”

“There’s no time for that.” I refuse to be distracted. I take up position at the back of the hall and watch the crowd that gathered there. “You did a good job making them curious. Nidud stands up front – scared he’ll miss his chance.” The fact that Nidud is that close makes it more dangerous for me. I need to be quick when he makes his move.

“Loki, we just want to help,” Fandral says in a strangely, pleading tone.

I look him in the eye. “There’s no time, Odin’s about to make his appearance and we need to be ready.”

“Tell us how we can help,” Sif says firmly. “Tell us what to do.”

“If you want to help, don’t get involved.” Sif rolls her eyes and Fandral shakes his head, but I don’t care. From the corner of my eye I catch sight of Odin. He’s on Sleipnir’s back, like I had suggested, and steers the stallion toward the throne. The crowd grew quiet at seeing him and I keep my gaze trained on Nidud. “He’s nervous.” The aura of magic that surrounds him takes on a red hue, warning me that he’s preparing for battle. “This might get ugly.”

Sleipnir comes to a halt and Odin straightens his back. His strength may be returning, but this appearance taxes him none the less. I regret getting him involved, but I need him. Hopefully he’ll remember the words and won’t improvise. Gripping Gungnir tighter, I pretend not sensing Sif’s and Fandral’s eyes upon me.

“As you may have learned, our King, Thor, is ill. At the moment, he is too weak to rule Asgard. Asgard cannot be without a King though. Although we live in peace these days, there is always the risk of war.”

So far Odin is abiding to my plan. I do hope he won’t improvise.

“Therefore Thor has decided to step down as our King. He only wants what is best for his people and an indisposed ruler cannot protect Asgard.”

“Yes, that’s it,” I whisper when Odin raises his arm and tells his people to grow quiet again. His words caused quite a stir.

“There is no heir left to the throne! Asgard is without a King!”

“Nidud…” My eyes narrow as I study him. “This is what he has been waiting for.” Behind me, Sif sharply draws in her breath and Fandral’s hand wanders to his sword. “Don’t,” I tell them. “This is part of my plan.”

“I hope you know what you are doing,” Fandral whispers back.

Odin’s expression darkens and he seeks out Nidud in the crowd. I do hope he won’t lose his temper. His self-control never was that good.

“How dare you claim that there is no heir left! Asgard has a King! Thor proclaimed him King yesterday!”

“Well done.” I silently applaud my father and ready myself for my appearance. ‘Remember,” I tell Sif and Fandral. “Don’t get involved.” I don’t wait for them to reply. Come on, Nidud, don’t disappoint me and play along!

“Thor is the last one belonging to the royal bloodline! There is no one else, Odin!”

Yes, that’s my cue. I tighten my hold on Gungnir and walk toward the throne. I don’t speak – not yet. Let Nidud deduce what’s happening himself. I come to a halt in front of the throne and ignore the murmurs that sweep through the hall. I reckon the rumour of my return hadn’t reached all Asgardians yet. Well, at least now they know I’m back. “I am Odin’s son,” I say, speaking loud and clear enough for all to hear – Nidud especially. “I am heir to the throne of Asgard, or wait, I am no longer just heir! Since yesterday, I am actually Asgard’s King.” I don’t lose sight of Nidud and therefore sense the anger in him – it’s growing. It won’t be long before he unleashes his power in order to release his wrath. Which is exactly what I want him to do – I need him to attack me so I can do away with him. “I am Loki, King of Asgard, and therefore your sovereign! You owe me your allegiance!” I refuse to think back to the first time that I claimed that title. I did it for the wrong reasons and the power which called to me back then, seems empty and worthless now. Nidud glares at me in hatred; he never thought I would cross his plans. Unexpectedly someone calls out, “All hail, Loki, King of Asgard.” Curiously, I scan the hall and realize it’s Heimdall who called out. What’s he doing here in the first place?

“You are not our King! You are an imposter,” Nidud calls out.

I ready myself for his attack – it won’t be long now before Nidud will lose his patience. “I may be the God of Mischief, the Trickster, but I –am- the rightful King of Asgard and no one else will occupy this throne. It’s mine and I’ll rule Asgard the way I see fit.”

“Curse you! I put a curse on you, bastard son of a Frost Giant!” Nidud suddenly turns away, removing something from beneath his robes, and takes aim. Several daggers leave his fingers and head in my direction.

“Finally,” I hiss, hungry for battle – eager to do away with this threat for once and for all. Using Gungnir, I manage to deflect the first three daggers aimed at me. Two however escape, and suddenly Nuada dives toward one of them, grabbing it with his beak, and changing its direction. The last dagger sizzles toward me, and that’s when I realize that I miscalculated – I can’t deflect it in time. It’ll hit me. Suddenly a spear collides with the dagger and changes its direction. Instead of burying itself in my chest it merely nicks my shoulder. Blood drips from the wound, but it’s not lethal so I ignore it. I blink, knowing Fay didn’t throw that spear as I don’t sense her presence. But who did? I can’t waste my time finding out though, and weave a spell of my own, binding Nidud to the place where’s standing so he can’t run. He glares at me with the purest form of hatred in his eyes, but he’s unable to undo the spell I cast. “Let’s see who you really are!” Adding another spell to the first, I strip him from the mask he’s wearing, revealing his true form. A Dwarf appears, much like I expected, and this time, I recognize him; I had dealings with his sons in the past. “Ivaldi.” Brok’s father—undoubtedly wanting to avenge his son. “You put that spell on my father.” I should have realized his identity sooner!

“Curse you, Loki! Odin should be dead by now! Thor should be dead! If it had not been for you, we would have succeeded! My kin would have been avenged!”

Ivaldi is still gathering his power inside him – he’ll try for one more attack, and unfortunately, I’m his target. I need to take him out before he can launch his attack. I start building a spell that will take away his powers, but I need time to complete the incantation, and horrified, I realize I acted too late. A bolt of energy leaves Ivaldi’s hands at the same time as I finish the spell. He’s powerless now, but that energy bolt still sizzles through the air. Damn, it isn’t aimed at me. It’s aimed at my father! “No!” Acting instinctively, I throw Gungnir toward the energy bolt. The two forces collide and an explosion rocks the hall. Gungnir, having done away with the threat, returns to me and I catch it, once more curling my fingers around the metal. 

At the same time, Heimdall moves forward and grabs hold of a raging Ivaldi. The Dwarf struggles in Heimdall’s’ hold, but as I stripped him of his magic, he no longer has any means of defence. Ivaldi fully realizes what I did and spits in my direction. I’m out of his reach though. “I took your powers from you, Ivaldi. You can no longer cast any spells.”

“Your Majesty,” Heimdall says, “What shall happen to the traitor? What is your ruling in this case?”

It takes me a moment to realize that he’s actually addressing me. I had already started to wonder why Odin wasn’t replying. My father noticed my surprise and nods toward me. 

“You are King, Loki. It is your decision. What shall happen with Ivaldi?”

Do I sense curiosity in his voice? And why’s everyone staring at me? Ah yes, I’m King. What kind of verdict do I pass onto Ivaldi? What would Thor do? How would he decide? “Let it be known that from this day on, Ivaldi is an outcast. I banish him. He may never set foot on Asgard again. Let him live, he can no longer do any harm, as I have stripped him off his magic.” Yes, Thor would like that. Fay wouldn’t. She would have beheaded him right away. 

“You heard the King,” Heimdall says as he hands the Dwarf to the Royal Guards. “Carry out the verdict.” Ivaldi’s carried off – kicking and screaming, but quite powerless.

I allow myself to relax for the tiniest of moments. Now that I took care of the threat, there’s no longer a reason to keep up this charade. “Go back to your normal business,” I tell the Asgardians. “Asgard is at peace again.” I turn away from the crowd and head back for the corridor. 

“Loki, wait!” 

Drawing in a deep breath, I count to ten and tell myself to be patient. Sif appears next to me and I recognize the spear in her hand. It was Sif then who threw it and saved my life. “What?”

“Is it safe to allow the Dwarf to stay alive? What if he will return to his tricks?”

“He won’t, I stripped him off his power. He’s quite harmless.” Maybe I should have killed off the Dwarf, but knowing Thor would have disapproved, stops me continuing that line of thought. “And thank you.” It’s all I can manage.

“You were in danger and I intervened. You did that for me in the past, for Fandral, Volstagg and Hogun. That is what friends are for – saving each other’s lives in battle.”

She conveniently forgets though that we’re not friends. 

“No, Loki, I –am- your friend, even though you cannot believe or accept that fact. I am your friend.”

I never quite learned how to deal with a mellow and friendly Sif, so I choose the easy way out. I turn away from her and march down the corridor.

//

Thor already waits for me at the doorway when I return to his rooms. He looks angry with me and I’m sure he’ll tell me why he’s mad. I sense another lecture coming.

“You put yourself in danger, Loki! You said you would not! When Ivaldi cast his spell and threw those daggers my heart almost stopped. Damn it, Loki! Why did you do that?” 

Thor removes my cloak to check on the flesh wound which I sustained. I attempt to swat away his hands, but he glares at me, and I let him examine the wound instead. It’s only a flesh wound, nothing to worry about. Thor however seems determined to fuss over it.

“It was the only way to draw him out,” I remind Thor. “Ivaldi was convinced that Odin would form a counsel – and that his advisors would be appointed to rule Asgard. Being your chief advisor, he assumed he would be in charge. You see, it wasn’t enough to take you out – or Odin… He wanted to be King himself, to hold that power himself.” I feel weary and drop onto a chair. “My guess is that Ivaldi would have smuggled in more Dwarves, until they were numerous enough to assume control and then they would have revealed themselves. It would have been the perfect way to avenge his kin.” Is it just my imagination or does Thor’s hands tremble while cleaning my wound? I wish he would leave the injury alone. It doesn’t cause me much discomfort and it will heal eventually. I do feel fatigued though. That confrontation drained me – especially casting those spells. They used up a lot of my energy.

“Loki,” Thor sighs and gently presses a piece of cloth against my shoulder in order to stop the bleeding. “If I had known the details of your plan I would have never allowed it.”

“But you didn’t!” Seeing Gungnir standing against the wall, I use that image to calm myself. The trick works and I cast a fond look at Gungnir. It’s the perfect weapon as far as I’m concerned. Earlier, it felt like a natural extension of my arm. “It’s odd,” I entrust to Thor, “I have no desire to be King or rule Asgard, but I would pay that price if it meant being able to wield Gungnir.”

Thor nods. “I feel like that when I hold Mjolnir in my hand. Do not try to distract me though. I am still angry with you for endangering yourself. You managed to get yourself injured!”

I can’t help chuckling. “Did you forget about all those times when you dragged me off into danger? I could have died a hundred times because of your actions.” Thor frowns at hearing me say that. “But that’s in the past – you don’t hear me complaining about it. So stop complaining about it too, Thor. I did what I had to do in order to ensure father’s and your safety.”

Thor seems to think about it and then nods. “You are right.” A wicked grin appears on his face. “How does it feel? Being King of Asgard?”

“Ah, that reminds me. It’s time to hand back that power.” I don’t want it at any rate. “Thor, I proclaim you –“ I’m unable to finish that sentence though as Thor rests a finger across my lips. That move takes me momentarily aback – it renders me speechless.

“Do not say it – not yet. I am not yet fit to rule and I want you to rule in my stead. Loki, you will do well.”

I grab hold of his hand, lower it, and shake my head. “Thor, I’m not fit to be King, I’ll ruin everything – Asgard will end up in chaos. You know what I’m like!” This is a bad, bad idea!

“Yes, I know what you are like, Loki. It took me a while to figure you out—really figure you out. Do you not understand? We complement each other. What I lack in intelligence you possess in abundance and what you lack in physical power, I possess. We do not do well without each other.”

I blink; what’s Thor talking about? “You got it all wrong, Thor!”

“No, I do not!”

Thor’s voice carries an odd tone, one which I never heard before, and it makes me want to storm out of the room and run. Whatever his plans are, they involve me and I don’t like it one bit. 

“As I said, it took me a long time to figure you out. I reckon the clues have always been there though. I was merely too blind to see them, or too stubborn to accept them.” Thor pauses to draw in a deep breath. “Toward the end of her life, Jane made me discuss the future. She made me face my feelings – my feelings for you.”

“Thor, you’re losing your mind. We’ll discuss this another time.” I fully intend to leave the room, but Thor grabs my wrist and stops me. “Let go.” I can’t let him speak the words, because once he does, everything changes and I don’t want anything to change. I like the way things are right now – comfortable.

“You have feelings for me, do you not? And if I am not mistaken, you have had them for quite some time. Each time you said you loved me, you said one thing, but you meant another. You –love- me and I am not referring to the brotherly love we shared as children.”

“Stop it, Thor. Just stop talking. You’re wrong, totally, utterly wrong.” I do my best to fight the panic that threatens to rob me of my senses. 

“Loki, you can admit the truth. I admitted it to myself as well.”

I stare at Thor in wonder – what did he say just now?

“I do not know when it started or how it happened. I reckon I always felt like that about you, but it never occurred to me to love you in that way. I always thought you were my brother, Loki – my blood! And now that you are not… Suddenly one door closes and another opens.”

No, he isn’t saying that! “Thor, I’ll only bring you pain and sorrow. Don’t continue this. Don’t pursue this. By Odin, don’t pursue –me-!” Thor however seems to disagree as he leans in closer and presses his lips against mine. I feel shocked that he’s actually kissing me, and I want to push him away, but in reality all I can think about is kissing him back and so I let him get away with stealing that kiss. Well, it’s not stealing exactly. I’m not putting much of a fight, am I? “You shouldn’t have done that,” I whisper, when he finally releases my lips. My head still reels from that kiss.

Thor however shakes his head. “No, the one mistake I made was that I should have done this before we let love turn into hatred, but at least, I did it now and no matter what you will say, Loki, I will not allow you to deny this happened. Things have changed.”

Yes, things have changed indeed, though I fear not for the better. How will Odin react should he ever find out about this?

//

“Does your shoulder hurt?” Frigga inquires as she checks on my injury. 

Everyone’s acting so damn concerned that it’s making me nervous! “Not much.” My shoulder doesn’t hurt exactly – it burns slightly, but that’s to be expected. “I’ll be fine.” I move away from her, pull my shirt back into place, and wish they would just leave me alone. Why are these rooms always crowded? Maybe I should leave them and seek out mine instead!

Odin sits next to the fireplace and gives Nuada an odd look. “That raven intervened when Ivaldi threw those daggers. I had forgotten about him.”

“Nuada is brighter than you think.” I do like that bird. Heimdall draws my attention by coughing softly – which reminds me, “How come you acted that enthusiastically about me being King? Well, no matter why you did it, it helped me draw out Ivaldi…” I blink, realizing the truth. “Which is why you called out. You knew it would anger him.”

“Yes,” Heimdall says in that deep voice of his. “Though I must admit I do not feel as apprehensive about you being King as the first time you claimed the throne.”

“Don’t worry, I already tried to hand back that power to Thor, as I don’t want to be King, but that stubborn brother of mine refuses to take his rightful place again. Claims he needs more time to recover!”

“It is true,” Thor says calmly. “Look at me, Loki. I am still weak.”

“Not as weak as you used to be.” I shift my position as my shoulder starts to throb a bit. That dagger was probably poisoned –that bastard. Which means it will take me longer to recover. “I’m wounded, Thor, I’m not fit to be a King either.” I can play dirty too.

“Stop arguing,” Frigga says. “Or argue about something else, if you must tease each other.”

I pointedly look away from Thor, only to look at Sif instead. I do wish everyone would just leave me alone.

“Correct me if I am wrong,” she says, “But are you still our King?”

“Unfortunately, but if you want to blame someone for that, blame my pig-headed brother!”

“Loki!” Frigga’s tone is stricter this time. “I told you to stop.” Pouting, I keep my mouth shut, knowing I’m outruled. “Thor proclaimed you King, Loki. You had better accept that.”

“If I wanted to, I could name him King and be done with it!”

“But you will not do that, Loki.” Thor has that look in his eyes again and I quickly avert my gaze. “Father,” Thor says, addressing Odin, “Loki and I need a little time to recover. He is injured and I need to regain my strength.”

Odin nods. “I will deal with all daily affairs, but if they have need for Asgard’s King, I will have to send for you, Loki.”

“Whatever…” Mockingly, I refuse to look at any of them. 

That’s hardly fitting behaviour for a King, whispers Fay into my mind. Stop being a bitch, dear.

Easier said than done. My gaze shifts to Gungnir and I already regret having to release it into Odin’s care. “You should take Gungnir with you.”

Odin however shakes his head. “It is yours now.”

But not for long. It doesn’t matter though as I can’t stay at any rate. Thor admitted that he loves me and I do love him back – fool that I am – but our love can never be. Why doesn’t he understand that?

“You look gloomy,” Thor says as he moves behind my chair.

I must have been lost in thought, because suddenly it’s just Thor and I. The others have left. When did that happen? Did I really lose track of time? 

“I dislike seeing you like that.” Thor sits down opposite me and leans in closer. “Does your shoulder hamper you?”

I had better use that for an excuse, for I might not get a second chance. “Yes, it does, I should retire to my rooms and rest.” I want to get to my feet, but Thor’s gaze keeps me prisoner. For some elusive reason I can’t move. 

“Your rooms? I do not think so. You have been living here since your return and I cannot think of a reason why you should move out now. Why do you not tell me what troubles you? I know you return my feelings, and yet, you also seem afraid of them.”

I release a shuddering breath. “Thor, think about it. Use your brain! I know you have one! How do you think father will react when he finds out about our changed relationship? Do you really believe he’s going to welcome the fact that we love each other? Do think, -brother-!”

“We are not brothers,” Thor says calmly. “We are not blood, but we could be lovers.”

Of all the possible things happening to me, it never occurred to me that Thor might actually want to court me! “Think twice, Thor!”

“Actually, I did, and I reached the same conclusion. Father will accept this. Maybe not right away, but he loves us too much to cast us out. You always doubted his love for you, I do not.”

“How am I going to make you understand that this is folly?”

“You will fail, Loki. You will fail because it is –not-.” Thor distances himself from me and nods. “I will give you the time you need to come to terms with this.”

I’m growing desperate – no matter what I say – no matter what I do, Thor remains adamant about this. “Thor, I need to rest. I’m tired. And if you won’t allow me to leave for my rooms, I’ll sleep here, but sleep I must.” It’s nothing but an excuse though – I’m tired, but not –that- tired. 

“Make yourself comfortable then,” Thor says and points at the bed. “No,” he says when he realizes I’m about to protest, “You are not sleeping anywhere else.”

I sigh, feeling a bit distressed, but in the end, I give in. I drag myself over to the bed, lie down on my side facing away from him, and wrap my arms around my waist. A moment later, the mattress dips again. Thor joined me in bed and actually spoons behind me, pulling me into his arms. His fingers slowly rub the nape of my neck; he did that when we were children, and back then, it always soothed me when I’d had a bad dream. It’s remarkable that he still remembers that. 

“Are you comfortable like this? Your shoulder does not ache resting in this way?”

“I’m fine,” I tell him, ignoring the throbbing that thumps throughout my shoulder. Thor continues to caress my neck and the soothing, slow motion lures me into relaxation. Although I want to stay awake, I calm down to the point where I fall asleep. 

“Sleep, Loki. All is well now.”

In his world perhaps – most certainly not in mine.

// 

Sometime during the night I wake up and am unable to go to sleep again. Thor’s closeness distracts me and makes it impossible for me to relax. Carefully minding my injured shoulder, I turn onto my back. Now that there’s less pressure on my shoulder, I feel more comfortable. Turning my head towards Thor, I watch him sleep. 

There was a time – when I much younger and more naïve – that I would have given everything to hear Thor say he’s in love with me. Back then, I wanted him to acknowledge me, know me – love me. These days, I’m more realistic. I understand that our love can never be. 

Moving again, I turn onto my good shoulder, pull my knees closer to my chest and raise my good arm. My hand hovers above Thor’s face, but I don’t dare to touch him. My fingers are close enough though for me to sense his body warmth. I don’t deserve his love – never did – never will. Thor should find himself a new wife who will give him sons. I’m sure Sif would be delighted to have Thor court her. 

“Loki, I can still read your thoughts, you know. You are not exactly shielding them.”

Realizing my mistake, I raise my mental walls and lock out Thor. It has become second nature to have him in my mind. “You weren’t supposed to hear that.”

Thor’s eyes open and fasten on me. A lazy, slow smile appears on his face when he curls his fingers around my hand and guides it closer to his face. “You can touch me. As a matter of fact, I want you to touch me.”

I want to pull back my hand, but can’t – not because Thor’s hold is that strong, but because I –want- to touch him. It’s that simple. “I shouldn’t.” Thor guides my fingers to his face and involuntarily I caress his skin. “Why are you doing this? Why must you make this so difficult? Why can’t you just let the matter rest?”

“Because I wasted too much time already,” Thor whispers. He closes his eyes, continues to smile, and rubs his facial skin against my fingers. I wouldn’t be surprised if he started purring like a big cat. “I am not letting you get away a second time, Loki. This time, I am keeping you.”

For one moment I allow my walls to tumble down and absorb his warm feelings for me – his love for me. I always wanted to feel like this – loved and wanted by Thor. “Father will never accept this. You may fool yourself into believing he’ll, but I tell you he won’t.”

“Do you not think he already knows what is happening between us? Father is smart – did you ever consider that he might have had a hand in this?”

“That’s absurd!” It really is. “He would never…” 

“Never?” Thor questions when I falter. “You know what father is like. He does everything for a reason and he knows more than we think. He has these two little spies called Huginn and Muninn, remember?”

“He doesn’t know everything, Thor. If he did, he would have known about Ivaldi.” Thor made me think though – Odin’s smart and it won’t take him long to figure out what’s happening between Thor and me. “I should leave. That’s what I should do. Return to Midgard and stay there.”

“Because of Fay?”

Do I detect a hint of jealousy or is just my imagination? “No, not because of her. We don’t own each other. We love each other, yes, but we don’t proclaim to be exclusive. It’s kind of hard to explain, but I’m sure you get it.”

“I do, and I am relieved things between you and her are like that, for it allows me to pursue you.”

Thor’s words make me avert my gaze. I remember being shy around Fay at first as well. This is totally unexpected.

“Do not look away, Loki.” Thor palms my cheek in his hand and lures me into looking at him again. “I love you, it is as simple as that. It is really simple now, you see. It was not in the past, but I have grown older and, although you might find it hard to believe, wiser. I no longer shy back from loving you and I hope you will also find the strength to face this.”

That’s quite a long speech where Thor is concerned. “You must understand. I worry about father, about what the future will bring. About love turning into hatred again.”

“I never hated you, Loki. In your heart you know that.”

He’s right and I feel forced to nod. “I do.” Suddenly Thor moves closer, presses his lips onto mine, and kisses me while running his fingers along the nape of my neck. “Are you trying to seduce me?” I whisper once he ends the kiss.

“I was not aiming for trying, Loki, I want to seduce you. I will, if necessary. We wasted so much time. You almost killed me because we could not admit the truth. I do not want you to have a reason to attack me ever again. I do want you to have reasons to kiss me though, love me, touch me. Do whatever it is you desire.”

His passion stuns me. Thor has always been one to grow quickly excited about matters close to his heart, but I never expected him to become impassioned about me. “Thor, I still think you’re making a huge mistake.”

“Then let me, I do not believe it is a mistake though. I made mistakes in the past, especially concerning you, but I will not repeat them.” 

Thor leans in closer again, claims my lips, and when his tongue nudges against my teeth, I part them. Allowing him in, I let him explore at his own pace and can’t help but wonder whether I’m in heaven or actually in hell. I move away from Thor in an attempt to put some distance between us, and luckily for me, he catches on. I stare at him, search his eyes, and probe his mind. His feelings for me are sincere and I doubt I can make him change his mind. Thor can be incredibly stubborn once he set his mind on achieving something and this time, it’s –me- he wants. I don’t stand a chance fighting this. “Thor, I can’t make you change your mind, but I urge you to consider this one more time. The Asgardians won’t react kindly to hearing that you have taken me as your mate.”

“I could not care less. I want you and I will have you.”

I reckon that says it all. “Thor,” I want to object again, but then Thor’s lips possess mine once more and rob me of my breath – the thief. His fingers move along the column of my neck, only to disappear into my hair to massage my scalp. I’m afraid I’m not putting up much of a fight, but deep in my heart I don’t want to fight him – I want to surrender instead. At exactly that moment, the pain in my shoulder worsens, and for one moment, I’m breathless once more, but not because of Thor’s kisses. My vision splits, then doubles, and a familiar agony slides through me, slicing sharply through my back. “Damn!”

“Loki?” Thor sits up, looks at me worriedly, and supports my head by placing his hand beneath it. “What is amiss?”

“Damn dagger must have been soaked in venom. I remember feeling like this… Damn toxins!”

“I will fetch a healer. Stay where you are and do not move, Loki. Do not leave, I know you, promise me not to run away again.”

“I promise.” I’m in no condition to make a run for it anyway. “Thor…” Thor’s already on his feet though and heading for the doorway. I listen to him bark at the guards, telling them not to let me out of sight. Promptly one of them moves into the room, eyeing me intensively. I close my eyes, gather my strength, and focus on the injury. Maybe I can counteract the poison with a spell, but I’m afraid it might not work. It didn’t work back then either. I simply have to ride it out.

//

“You should rest. The healer did everything he could. Now your body must do the rest.” 

Thor hovered over me the entire time. He watched closely when the healer cleaned and dressed my wound. Thor’s gaze never left me – he maintained eye contact the whole time. Now that the healer has left and we’re alone again I need to talk to him. “Thor, you’re better fit to rule than I am. Let me return your power to you. Let me proclaim you King again.” But Thor repeatedly shakes his head. Why must he be so stubborn? 

“Not yet, I have been King for the last few years, now I want you to try as well.” 

Thor doesn’t make any sense and so I give up trying to understand him. A knock on the door makes me apprehensive. It’s not the healer – he just left, so who might it be?

“Can we come in? We do not wish to disturb you, but…”

I roll my eyes; Sif, Fandral, and Volstagg appear in the doorway. I’m about to tell them that they’re not welcome when Thor beckons them to approach. I really must have a word with Thor on that matter.

“The dagger’s blade was poisoned,” Thor explains to them. “It will take Loki a few days to recover from the toxins.”

“Loki’s here,” I remind Thor sharply and cast him an angry look.

“I know you are.” 

Thor takes my hand in his and presses a kiss on its back. His move utterly stuns me and I can’t help but stare at Sif at the others in shock. I try to remove my hand from Thor’s hold, but he refuses to let go and pulls my it into his lap, where he traps it by covering it with his other hand as well, leaving me no retreat at all. 

Sif’s eyes widen momentarily and she frowns, but then she seems to understand. A wicked smile spreads across her face and she elbows Fandral hard in his side. “Did you have any suspicions? About those two?”

Fandral chuckles lightly and wiggles an eyebrow. “I might have had. You know what they say – there is a fine line between love and hate. Apparently we are heading toward love right now.” 

He even winks at me, the bastard! If only I possessed my normal strength, then I would make him pay for that!

“Loki, relax. They do not mean any harm. They are our friends, remember?” Thor says, coming to Fandral’s defence at feeling me growing tense. “I do not plan to hide my intentions where you are concerned.”

“I reckon a lot of what happened in the past makes sense now,” Fandral adds. “We were in the middle of a lover’s quarrel!”

Can someone please hand me something hard to throw at him? I want it to hurt when it hits him! If I didn’t feel so fatigued, I would throw a magic bolt at him!

“Thank you for visiting and sharing your concern, but I would ask of you to leave now. Loki needs to rest, and honestly, he is about to throw a tantrum.”

Could I possibly abuse Gungnir and throw it at Thor? No, that would be unfit behaviour for a King, but then again, I don’t want to be King!

“You are right; we should leave the two of you alone,” Volstagg comments in a witty tone. “You probably have a lot to discuss.”

Is Fandral really making kissing sounds behind Volstagg’s back? By Odin, I will…

“Be quick now,” Thor advises. “Loki’s patience is growing thin!”

The three of them laugh and quickly flee the room. “Thor, that wasn’t funny!”

“Actually, I think it was!”

That big, charming, and cheerful smile is back and his voice carries that warm timbre again. He’s going to be the death of me!

//

“Are you starting to feel better?” Frigga asks in obvious concern.

I roll my eyes and swat away her hands. “I’m fine!” I’m not, but she doesn’t need to know that!

“Do not lie to me, Loki. I know it when you are happy and I know it when you are in pain. I am your mother after all.”

Not technically speaking, but she would never allow me to voice that detail. As far as Frigga is concerned I am her son – and she won’t let me say differently. Odin enters the room and I can tell by the way he moves that his power is almost fully restored. I –am- grateful that I managed to break that spell. 

Odin makes his way over to the bed, sits down next to Frigga, and rests a hand upon my brow. “The poison’s effect seems to be weakening. It will not take you long to recover, my son.”

I wonder if he’ll still call me that once he learns about my feelings for Thor. He’ll assume that I seduced Thor – put a spell on him and worked my dirtiest magic on him. No matter what Thor thinks, Odin will never approve of such a love. I beseeched Thor not to show his feelings for me while Frigga and Odin were present and so far he’s behaving. I don’t trust him though – he can so easily betray us. 

//

I feel relieved after Odin and Frigga left and I breathe easier once Thor and I are alone again. During their visit, I worried they would find out and that Odin would banish me from Asgard. I wouldn’t mind leaving Asgard, but leaving Thor would break my heart.

“You need not worry about them,” Thor says when he helps me gain a more comfortable position. 

I rest my back against the pillow which he placed against the headboard and sigh. “Thor, I don’t have such faith in Odin. You know that.”

“I should probably refrain from touching you while you are in pain, but I need to touch you once a while. I need to convince myself that you are real and that you are here.” Thor curls his fingers around my hand and pulls it close to his chest. 

“You’re too much of a romantic for your own good,” I whisper, feeling half amused, half apprehensive. 

“I think you need a little bit of romance in your life right now.”

Growing nervous, I can’t help but notice the tender way he’s caressing my hand. He –is- going to pursue this. I had better give up fighting him. “You do realize what you’re putting on the line? The risks you take by openly proclaim you love me?” Thor turns toward me, pulls me into his arms, and takes great care to ease my injured shoulder against his chest so he can support me. 

“I am aware of said risks, though I do not believe they are risks in the first place. Loki, you need to stop being paranoid.”

“Haven’t been able to shake the paranoia yet,” I admit. “It reared its ugly head the moment I set foot on Asgard, It didn’t bother me that much on Midgard.”

“And I understand why,” Thor assures me. “I will help you deal with it. Trust yourself to me. Please, Loki, give us a chance. Something tells me that this is meant to be.”

And something tells me that I’m a fool for giving in, but in the end, I nod. “You win.”

“No, Loki, -we- win!”

//

I detest being confined to bed. I tried to convince Thor that I’m strong enough to walk about, but he won’t let me get up. Instead, I distract myself by examining the exquisite carving that adorns Gungnir. I should know better than to grow fond of the artefact, but it does feel like a part of me – much like Thor feels about Mjolnir. The runes set in the metal tell a story, but I’m not adept at reading them. Maybe I should Odin ask about them, or Fay, should she decide to drop by. 

“Are you harbouring gloomy thoughts again?” Thor gives me a smile which speaks of amusement. “Here, drink this. The healer said it might help. It is herbal wine. He prepared it for you.”

Using my good arm, I take hold of the goblet and give it a hesitant sniff. It smells innocent enough and I can’t detect any herbs that might harm me. I take a sip, realize how bad it tastes, and want to get rid of it. Thor however gives me one of those looks which make it very clear that he expects me to empty it. Obeying his silent command, I continue to study him. Within the last few days, he regained most of the weight which he lost due to the spell. His gaze is clear, his eyes no longer troubled, and he looks plain happy to me. “Thor, it’s beyond me why you don’t want to take back your power. You’re King of Asgard, not I.”

“As I said, I want you to rule for the time being – maybe find out who makes the better King.”

I can tell he’s feeding me a half-lie. It’s not the whole truth. “I can easily solve that problem – you are.”

“I am not that sure,” Thor sounds thoughtful. “Loki, our friends would like to join us tonight, Sif and Fandral expressed the desire to keep us company – to reconnect so to speak – especially with you.”

“I don’t like it. Did you decline?” But I know Thor; he would never reject his friends.

“I am sorry, but I did not. I believe having them here will do you good. Loki, they used to be your friends too. Think of the pranks you carried out with Fandral’s help. I always thought that the two of you got along just fine.”

Fandral isn’t the problem. Sif is. I don’t know how to act around her – especially when she acts nice toward me. “Considering you already accepted, why discuss the matter with me?”

“Because I want you to understand why I accepted.” Thor smiles. “Remember the times we sought out adventure – the six of us? We were close friends when we were young.”

“They never were my friends. They’re yours.” My fingers caress Gungnir and I wish – not for the first time – that the spear was truly mine and not merely burrowed. 

“And that is exactly why you need to spend time with them. You are mistaken. They are your friends too. Did Sif not save your life when Ivaldi attacked you? She threw the spear that deflected one of the daggers. Would she have done that if she did not care about you?”

That does vex me – Thor’s right about that. She didn’t have to intervene. “You win,” I whisper, accepting defeat. “Don’t expect me to be cheerful about it though.”

“I do not expect that, but Loki, give them a chance?”

Thor’s asking for a lot and I’m not sure I can give it to him.

//

I actually convinced Thor to allow me to leave the bed. He restricted my freedom of movement though, telling me to sit down on a comfortable chair and to stay there. I accepted that condition – everything’s fine with me as long as I don’t have to face Sif and Fandral lying down in a damned bed!

“Do not be like this! You do not need to be tense. “

Thor hands me the goblet again after refilling it with the herbal wine. I must admit it’s starting to have some effect on me. I should probably stop drinking it, but the warmth that spreads through my body makes me feel comfortable. “I wish this was already over with.” Thor ignores my statement and walks over to the door when it opens. Sif wears a silver gown, her hair has been braided and even I must admit that she looks stunning. Fandral didn’t dress up though – appearing in his everyday attire. 

“Friends, you are most welcome!” Thor gestures for them to sit down at the dining table, across from me. “We will have wine and food in abundance tonight!”

“It’s a good thing then that they didn’t bring Volstagg along; he would devour everything before we got a chance to secure some food,” I say, feeling a bit mean tonight – because Sif simply does look stunning and I know Thor noticed it as well. 

Fandral surprises me by chuckling loudly. “Very true. His appetite is alarming! And I do feel hungry tonight.”

Fandral offers me a smile, which I don’t return. I glare at Sif instead. I know that there’s some unresolved business between Sif and me, mostly stemming from her rejecting me, but tonight, my jealously surprises even me. 

“Drink,” Thor says, offering them a glass of wine. Then he turns to me, and adds, “That herbal wine will help you recover. Do not stop drinking it.”

I sip from the wine and that’s when I realize what’s wrong; that herbal wine is making me drunk. And getting drunk is definitely a bad idea. I turn mean when I’m drunk. Plain mean and nasty. “No more,” I tell Thor and put the goblet on the table. “It’s affecting me, and trust me, you don’t want that happening.” Thor frowns, dips into my thoughts, and realizes why I’m objecting. He nods, understanding what’s going on. I still feel the effect though and the only thing I can do in order to prevent worse is to shut up and stay quiet. I’m not sure I can manage that though.

“We are glad you could come,” Thor says, lifting his glass once more and drinking from it. “It has been too long since we last shared our adventures.”

I hold my tongue just in time as I wanted to point out that my attempt to kill Thor and Odin can hardly be called an adventure. Sif seems to notice my unease and I can tell by the way she’s looking at me that she’s trying to find a way to maintain the status quo.

“Allfather told me that you had taken on my form some days ago. He thought it was me entering his rooms, but then you revealed yourself. I never realized that you could change your appearance in that way – duplicate yourself yes, but shape shift?”

I hope she won’t challenge me, because I can tell I will do something utterly stupid if she does. “That’s true – I did take on your appearance. I encountered Ivaldi in the corridor and didn’t want him to know it was me.”

“I am curious,” Sif says and leans in closer. “Can you do it any time? Can you do it right now? Can you take on any shape you desire? And why would you take on my appearance? I am female, you are not.”

Damn, she’s going to make me do it – I know I won’t be able to resist temptation, and considering I’m still rather tipsy, I won’t be able to restrain myself. “That’s not quite true.”

Sif arches an eyebrow questioningly and even Thor leans in closer. Fandral however merely grins and I recall something that happened very long ago, namely me showing off in order to impress Fandral. “You actually remember what happened?” I question Fandral.

“Of course, how could I forget? You look truly tempting in that form.”

“What form?” Thor frowns and appears to grow impatient. “What is Fandral talking about?”

I’m not falling for it though – I refuse to act the fool. They’ll only laugh at me. Well, Fandral might not – but he’ll chuckle. I detest that sound too.

“I do not think you can do it.” Sif shakes her head and gives me a condescending look. “You cannot possible shape yourself like me. You could never pass for a female!”

Damn, she knows how to bait me – she knows that I won’t be able to resist. She knows I’ll want to prove her wrong and with the wine running loose in my body, she’ll probably get her wish. I refuse to become her though. I won’t take on Sif’s form. If I must fall for her trap, then I’ll do so on my own terms. The transformation is easy – it always is, though I seldom show this side of me. It’s too personal – too private. Thor swallows hard, blinks, blinks again, and tries to speak. He fails miserably though.

“What? Did I render the mighty Thor speechless?” Fandral reacted like that upon seeing me in my female form for the first time. Although this shape feels natural to me, I always need a little time to get used to it. The long black hair, my sudden curves, the low-cut green dress, and jewellery which I normally don’t wear are quite different from the way I normally look.

Thor shakes himself, looks at me again, and finally manages to squeeze out, “You kept this from me! Why?”

I shrug and when I do, my shoulder reminds me that it’s not healed yet. Unfortunately my injuries remain, even when assuming this shape. “I felt it would weaken my position – that you would respect me even less.” Getting used to my changed voice always takes longer than getting used to the female body itself.

“That is absurd!” Thor exclaims, “Remember that I was the one who supported Sif when she wanted to become a warrior!”

“That’s different and you know it.” Fandral continues to grin at me and he even wiggles an eyebrow at me. I believe he reacted like that back then as well. Now that I have taken on this form, I begin to feel comfortable and don’t see a reason to change back just yet. “Maybe I’ll stay like this for some time.” Thor actually gives me a nervous look and I can’t resist toying with him. Ignoring my injury, and the throbbing that courses through my shoulder, I lean in closer and whisper into his ear, “Do you prefer me in this form?” Thor blushes, which is a first. 

Taking pity on him, I lean back in my chair and rest my shoulder against its comfort. I shouldn’t over do it. I feel Sif’s gaze upon me and look at her. I’m surprised to find her eying me with something akin to admiration in her eyes. Thor coughs in order to clear his throat and remains rather flustered. I didn’t think he would react this strongly upon seeing me in this form. But then again, I –am- a shape shifter and Thor knows it. Maybe he never realized what it entails though.

“I think I actually prefer you in your normal form. Loki, this is most odd.”

In that case, I’ll indulge him and change back to my male form – the one he knows me best in. “Better this way?” Thor seems a bit relieved, though I wonder why. I reach for the goblet and want to drink from the wine, but Thor acts faster and takes it away from me, which makes me raise an eyebrow questioningly.

“No more wine for you. It makes you act rather strangely.” Thor still seems rather shaken.

“Thor, admit it; Loki in his female shape looks utterly ravishing!” Fandral exclaims as he pats Thor’s shoulder. “If it were up to me, I would love for him to stay like that!”

“And no more wine for you either!” Thor says, obviously wondering what has gotten into Fandral.

“Well,” Sif starts and sips from her wine. “Even I must admit that you impressed me. You would turn every male’s head looking like that. You would have a large number of suitors.”

“I don’t need them – don’t want them either.” All I want is Thor, but I can’t help but wonder what’s going on in his head. He still looks rather dazed. I’m tempted to read his mind, but refrain from doing so, afraid I might not like his thoughts. Maybe he loathed seeing me in my female form. Maybe he feels revolted. Well, in that case, the problem’s easily solved; I won’t take on that shape again when he’s near.

//

I feel relieved when Sif and Fandral finally leave. Thor hasn’t been his normal self ever since I changed into my female form, and although I know we must discuss it, I don’t look forward to it. I need to seize the moment, considering Thor’s sitting near the fireplace – that way I can corner and confront him. I walk up to him, come to a halt, and watch him. He looks mesmerized. “We need to talk.”

Thor sighs, nods, and makes eye contact. He raises his arms, rests his hands on my waist, and pulls me onto his lap. That move surprises me; that’s why he gets away with it. Straddling him, I calm my pounding heart, but it starts racing again when his arms envelop me in a hug. “What’s wrong? Did seeing me in my female form upset you? If that’s the case, I promise I won’t do it again.”

Thor however shakes his head. “No, seeing you like that did not upset me, but something else did. Why did you never tell me what you are capable of? Why did you keep the extent of your powers hidden? I thought I knew you…”

I wish he hadn’t asked me that question; he did though, and now I must answer. “Except for you, no one ever trusted me in the past. They always thought I was up to no good and later on, they were right of course. I always believed that if they knew about my shape shifting abilities that they would trust me even less. They would expect me to play games with them. They wouldn’t believe me when I said it hadn’t been me – I was a shape shifter after all, so I could have been responsible for what had gone wrong. I don’t expect you to understand though.” Thor’s right hand draws circles onto my lower back and the gesture soothes me. “Then I would have really been the trickster to everyone, and I feared, you would think of me in that way too.”

“I would not! Loki, I have known you my entire life. When father was too busy to pay me attention, you did. When I was hurt, you would comfort me. When our parents did not have the time to listen, you did! Do you have any idea how much you mean to me? When I look at you, I see the other half of my soul.”

Thor’s words cause me to blush. “Thor, you’re exaggerating.”

“No, I am not. Loki, whenever you are gone, I feel lonely. Whenever you are near, I feel complete – I feel whole. You belong with me. You are a part of me.” Thor raises his left hand and strokes a strand of hair away from my face. “I admit that seeing you like that upset me, but for a different reason than you think. It upset me because I realized you never felt confident enough to tell me. I failed you.”

“You didn’t,” I interject quickly. “It wasn’t until I met Fay that I grew comfortable using my shape shifting abilities. She helped me accept that part of me. One night, I ventured out into the cold and there was this wolf, challenging me in an odd way. Changing into a wolf felt natural – it felt right. Ever since then, I’m no longer afraid to use that power. I would never have been tempted to show you that aspect of me if I hadn’t been drunk – or if Sif hadn’t challenged me. I promise I won’t do it again.” Thor pulls me closer and guides my brow against his so he can look me in the eye. I still marvel at seeing the love in his eyes. What did I do to deserve such love and loyalty?

“No,” Thor says and shakes his head. “I do not want that. I want you to feel free to take on any form you want. Seeing you as a raven did not upset me, but this was different. Suddenly you were someone else.” A naughty expression appears in his eyes. “I do believe Fandral fancies you!”

I roll my eyes and shake my head. “He finds me attractive in my female form, but that’s it. It’s a physical attraction on his part. He would panic should I return to my male form while he was kissing me!”

Thor chuckles. “Did you ever try to find out?”

“No,” I admit freely. “As I don’t find Fandral attractive in turn.”

“But you do fancy me,” Thor says cockily and licks along my bottom lip in a teasing motion. “At least, I hope so.”

Maybe it’s time to admit the truth – the whole truth. “I have been in love with you forever. I don’t remember when those feelings started. Each time I look into your eyes I fall in love with you all over again.” I feel nervous after admitting that. “I didn’t want to want you, but it happened.”

“Hush,” Thor says and hugs me closer to him. “I am all yours now, and if you want it, for all eternity.”

I like the sound of that. Thor’s admission encourages me and I feel bold enough to instigate our kissing this time. I steal a kiss from his lips, but Thor steals one of his own when I want to pull away. His hand cups the back of my head and he invites me in for another kiss. Feeling quite entranced because of his eagerness to kiss me, I accept, and our lips lock in another passionate encounter. 

Feeling breathless, I’m forced to pull away eventually. The expression in Thor’s eyes is warm and caring, and whatever doubts I had about him loving me, dissolve upon realizing that he’s sincere. Thor rubs his thumb along my cheek - a gesture that causes me to quaver. I love the way he kisses – how he holds me – how he makes me feel loved. He’s the only one who can make me feel good about myself.

“You are trembling. You should rest. I forgot about your injury.”

I nod; feeling too mesmerized to correct him. Thor puts me on my feet and guides me over to the bed – not that I need guiding, but having him at my side makes me feel good and wanted. 

“Do you need help undressing?” Thor offers. During these last few days he simply assisted me because I couldn’t undress on my own. A shoulder injury does hamper your movements. I nod, knowing he’ll help anyway. After we rid me of my shirt and pants, I lie down and turn onto my good side. I pull the sheet up to my waist and watch Thor move about the room. The level of intimacy between us makes me realize that there’s no more turning back. Thor will never allow me to leave again. It looks like I’ll have to stay then. Thor must be aware of my gaze, as he keeps smiling and humming softly as he goes about his routine. The immensely peaceful feeling inside of me is something I want to hold onto forever. I’m grateful for Thor making me feel this way about myself.

“Loki,” Thor whispers as he lies down next to me. “In a way I am thankful that you forget about shielding your thoughts. That way, I know exactly what is going on in that head of yours.”

Ah, yes, damn! I keep forgetting about that. “Having you in my mind feels natural – normal. It’s odd when you’re not in my thoughts.”

Thor moves closer, eases me into his arms, and I make myself comfortable, using his right arm as a pillow. I rest my head against it, drape an arm across his chest, and stare into his eyes. What’s happening with me? I never felt like this before – not even Fay managed this.

You know why… comes her instant reply. I should have known she would hear me. It’s because you wanted Thor all your life. I merely helped you accept who you are. You always were at odds with yourself. You don’t have to fight him any longer – Thor wants to be with you. Accept that, my dear. Accept his love for you and love him back. After all, that –is- your destiny.

It’s a good thing she isn’t possessive of me. She knows me so much better than I know myself!

“Close your eyes and rest. Let your mind be at ease, I will guard your sleep – your dreams. I will be here when you wake up again.”

Thor’s words cause me to close my eyes and to let go. Thor loves me. He’s here with me – holding me. I can let myself fall knowing he’ll catch me.

//

The next morning, I wake up first. Thor’s still asleep, and driven by some inexplicable urge, I free myself of his embrace. Soundlessly, I make my way over to the window and watch Asgard in all her might as she glows in the rising morning sun. Nuada sits on the window sill and gives me a knowing look. I’m itching. Ever since I started to explore my shape shifting abilities, I knew it wouldn’t end there. It has become a part of me – last night only proved that. “Stay here,” I instruct Nuada. “Watch over him, I won’t be long.” I know he understands what I want him to do and reassured I climb onto the window sill. A gale has risen and tugs at my hair. I need to do this – I need to stretch my wings and fly. This time I don’t turn into a raven – for some reason my mind moulds me after the image of an eagle – one I saw on Midgard during my stay there. I test my wings to see it they will carry me. My injured shoulder no longer hampers me and I let myself fall.

The wind catches me and I stretch my wings, letting the gale carry me higher. Flying is one thing I could grow addicted to. Sliding through the air, I pass by the throne room and enjoy feeling the warm beams of the rising sun on my feathers. I circle the sky for some time, but then decide to return home. I don’t want Thor to wake up and panic because I’m gone. 

Suddenly, a raven’s call echoes from below and I see Huginn and Muninn there, watching me with their knowing eyes. Wherever they are, Odin must be and I catch sight of him a moment later. He steps toward the window to find out what riled his ravens and frowns upon seeing me. I descend, land on the window sill, and smooth some feathers which got messed up during the flight.

“Loki?” Odin says in sudden understanding. “Is that you?”

I fly away from the window sill – into the room – and take on my normal form. “Uhm, yes?” My father gives me a long and probing look and gives me the feeling he’s testing the waters – trying to find out something. But why doesn’t he just ask? “Is anything amiss?”

“No, I do not believe so. Loki, if you have a moment I would like to talk to you.”

Oh, that doesn’t sound good. I hope he didn’t figure out what’s happening between Thor and me. I haven’t fully gotten to terms with it and I can’t possibly discuss the matter with Odin! “Depends,” I reply, trying to keep all options open.

“It is nothing you need worry about. I want to teach you – if you are willing.”

“Teach me?” My father seldom offered to teach me in the past. Most of the time, he took Thor apart to teach – not me.

“I want to share a secret with you. Fay could also show you, but I doubt she will. She believes it is my duty to teach you and she is right. It is not a duty though, but a privilege.”

Against all odds, my father makes me curious. What secret would he possibly entrust to –me-? 

“This knowledge would be lost on Thor. His power belongs to the physical world, where as you… You will understand. You will feel the magic.” Odin walks over to the shelves that hold some of his books. He has quite a collection. He removes one book bound in red leather which is rather heavy. He places it on the table and beckons me to stand next to him. “I want to teach you the way of the runes, Loki.”

Actually, that –does- interest me. “How will you do that?” Odin hasn’t opened the book yet. Its cover is adorned with runes already. They look mysterious.

“Maybe I should phrase that differently. -I- will not teach you. The runes will – if they find you suitable and will accept you.”

Odin unexpectedly takes my hand in his and places it on the book’s cover. “Close your eyes, Loki. Just let it happen.”

Normally, I wouldn’t allow myself to appear so vulnerable – so eager – but this time, I obey and close my eyes. The leather beneath my fingers begins to warm up and my fingertips tingle. 

“It is as I thought – They will accept you.”

I barely register Odin’s voice because a loud sound builds in my head. It’s a voice – singing words I don’t know the meaning of, but something tells me I will understand the language before this is over. The voice is definitely female and shockingly familiar to me. Fay?

It took you a long time to get here, Loki. It has been ages since I last taught someone the language of the runes. Odin was the last one to feel their touch – to hear and understand their song. I’m glad you want to understand their magic, Loki. You will understand. 

Fay’s voice fades, but the singing remains and grows stronger. Suddenly, images flash in my mind – they’re more than that though – these images are linked to something bigger – something stronger. It takes me a while before they start to make sense, but when they do, it’s like I’m learning to see all over again. She’s right – I understand; the runes sing to me – call me, and I know what they’re singing about. My head reels and I steady myself by grabbing the edge of the table.

“Sit down. The experience can be rather overwhelming.”

My father’s voice is remarkable gentle, and when I sit down, I realize I’m shaking like a leaf. I open my eyes and stare at Odin. “Their song is beautiful.” Odin nods in understanding. “Consider it my gift to you. I should have taught you their magic when you were younger – maybe it would have changed matters, but I made a mistake and did not…” A secretive smile crosses Odin’s face. “I have one more gift for you, but you will receive it in time. Actually, I should rather say it will find you.”

In the past, a cryptic remark like that would have worried me, but this time, it doesn’t. I wonder though what my father could possibly mean.

//

I’m lost in thought when I walk back to Thor’s quarters. Although I encounter a large number of Asgardians, I don’t really take notice of them. My mind’s too busy sorting out everything I learned just now. I would have collided with the door if the Royal Guard hadn’t called out a warning. I look at him – rather sheepishly, I’m afraid. “Wasn’t paying attention,” I murmur when he opens the door for me.

“Your Majesty,” he says and waits for me to enter the room.

I’ll never get used to hearing it. It doesn’t seem right – for him to address me in that manner. I enter Thor’s room and close the door behind me. Thor’s thankfully still asleep and never noticed me leaving. I sit down on the floor – cross-legged - and close my eyes. I draw in a series of deep breaths, centre myself, and calm my mind. 

“What are you doing? And why are you out of bed?”

Thor’s voice takes me by surprise. I must have meditated longer than I thought. “I needed to think.”

“And why can you not do that in bed?”

Thor isn’t angry – he’s teasing me, which is a good thing. I pull him toward me and Thor sits down opposite me. “Thor, listen to me, and listen carefully. I’m going to return your birthright to you. You are King of Asgard – not me. Don’t ask me to rule in your stead. You are well – you have recovered.”

Thor’s expression turns serious. “Loki, I want you to try. Why are you fighting this? Do you not want to know if you make a good King?”

“I don’t,” I say sternly. “You’re the one who does well carrying responsibility. I don’t.” My gaze shifts away from the room and comes to rest upon Gungnir. I knew I shouldn’t have grown fond of that artefact. “What can you possibly gain from forcing me to stay King? Thor, I don’t want to sit upon that throne. I don’t want anyone to address me as ‘your Majesty’. I have no desire to rule Asgard. I’m not suited for that – but you are.”

Thor draws in a deep breath. “Do it then, if you think you must. I will not stop you.”

Finally he has come to his senses. I lean in closer, kiss him, and rest a hand against his chest, at that spot where his heart beats. “Thor, I proclaim you King. You rule by birthright and you will rule well. You are Odin’s first born and therefore King of Asgard.” The moment I finish speaking, I sense the change. The burden is no longer mine to carry. “Trust me, you’ll do well. Odin raised you for this one purpose. You’re the best King Asgard can wish for.” Thor looks he’s about to protest, but I shake my head and rest my fingers against his lips. “Don’t. You know it’s the truth, and Thor, I don’t mind. I really don’t. I’m not made to be King I am –me -. I don’t want to be something you or our people want me to be. You accept me the way I am – that’s the only thing that matters to me.” Thor kisses me and pulls me onto his lap. This time, I obey most willingly and wrap my arms and legs around him. Something changed – I changed – the magic of the runes changed me. 

//

At my urging, Thor shows himself in the great hall and claims his throne again. It’s important the Asgardians know Thor returned to power. I’m content to watch him from the shadows—I have no desire to reveal myself and feel their eyes upon me. I have greatly changed – what appealed to me back then, means nothing to me these days. 

“Loki.”

It’s Fandral and I grow alert. It happens instinctively, knowing that when Fandral’s close, his friends can’t be far away. 

“We were wondering if Thor and you would like to join us. We want to stretch our legs and take the horses for a ride. We would like for you two to join us.”

“I’ll tell Thor. I’m sure he’ll be happy to oblige.”

“We want you to come along too, Loki.”

That’s Volstagg’s voice. I don’t bother looking at them and merely wave my hand dismissively. “You can do without me. No need for me to come along and ruin your little trip.”

“Let him,” Fandral says. “Loki does not want to be our friend. He is determined to only see the worst in us. We will not convince him to view us differently.”

Hearing him voice it like that does make me feel a bit uncomfortable, I’ll admit that. “That’s not it,” I whisper, though I’m sure Fandral and Volstagg already left. Why bother to stick around? “I don’t know how to act around you.” That last bit is barely audible as I don’t wish anyone to hear it. I don’t know how to make friends or keep a friendship alive.

“We will help.”

Damn, I had thought they had already left! How utterly stupid of me to speak my mind aloud.

“You are not allowed to decline. Meet us at the stables in one hour, and if Thor cannot make it for whatever reason, we still expect you to be there, Loki.”

Oh, I’ll make sure Thor tags along – I refuse to accompany them on my own!

//

“Why did you not stand at my side?” Thor asks when we make our way to the stables. Thor instantly accepted Fandral’s invitation when I delivered it to him. “I need you there.”

“Let me lurk in the shadows, Thor, I feel at home there.”

“Loki,” Thor’s voice carries a dangerous edge and it makes me nervous. His hands settle on my shoulders and he turns me around to face him. “Stop putting yourself down. I know what you are doing and it is wrong.”

I shrug. “It’s who I am. I thought you knew that.”

Thor shakes his head. “No, it is who you –think- you are. Not who you are.”

Thor’s remark puzzles me; I don’t know what to make of it.

//

Without realizing it, we ride out in our old formation. Thor up front, me at his right side, Sif at his left, and Fandral, Volstagg and Hogun taking last positions. It strikes me as odd that we fall back into old habits that quickly. We let the horses stretch their legs and I enjoy being on horseback again. Though, these days, I could easily assume a horse’s form – an eight-legged one at that. I banish that thought from my mind though as thinking about Sleipnir still causes me pain.

“Let us pause for a while! We do not want to exhaust our horses!” Thor calls out upon recognizing a familiar landmark. We used to stop here often in the past. When we were children we would hunt rabbits, and later, engage in mock-fight. Not me, that is. I always stood at the side lines and watched them brawl. Without my daggers or magic they could easily overpower. Physically they were my superiors – even Sif – and I hated that!

Thor steers his horse toward a stretch of land which has tasty grass and then slides off his stallion’s back. We follow his example and the horses start to graze. We climb the steep rocks and settle at our old spot. I do my best to be invisible – I don’t want them to focus on me. 

“A fire would be nice,” Fandral says; he already gathered firewood and looks toward me for assistance.

I reckon I can do this for them; using my magic, I set fire to the wood. Fandral sighs appreciatively and sits down next to the fire. One by one, they sit down and get comfortable – all expect for Thor, that is. He stands on the highest sloop and scans his surroundings. Is anything amiss?

Thor looks at me from over his shoulder and shakes his head. “I am just glad to be tasting freedom again!” Thor moves away from the sloop and heads toward me. 

Don’t! Not in front of them. I still feel uncomfortable about Thor expressing his love for me in the presence of others.

There is no need for you to feel shy, Thor replies, they know about us already. No need to hide and I do not plan on hiding. 

Thor sits down behind me, wraps his arms around me, and pulls me close to his chest. He rests his chin on my shoulder and seems perfectly fine that way. I read a deep sense of contentment in his mind and can’t bring myself to push him away.

“I should have realized what was going on – even back then,” Fandral says, while looking at us. “The two of you always loved to fight, and in retrospect, maybe fought for love?”

While Thor chuckles softly, I look away. This is the last place I want to be, but since Thor is holding me, I can’t break free and leave. Volstagg cocks his head and joins Fandral in watching us. Damn, I feel on display. 

“Fandral is right,” Volstagg says. “In a strange way, the two of you complete each other.”

Hogun adds, “What is Loki without Thor? And what is Thor without Loki?”

Hogun’s comment is surprisingly insightful. He’s right. 

“There is a storm brewing,” Thor says as he slowly releases me. “We should not stay here and leave instead. I will get the horses.”

No, damn you! You’re not leaving me alone with them! I must have projected that thought as Thor’s reply is instant. 

You can manage five minutes without me. They won’t skin you alive, you know.

They might kill me first! I think rather humourlessly and watch Thor exit the cave – leaving me alone with them after all!

Fandral extinguishes the fire and smiles at me. “It is good to have you back with us, Loki, even if you cannot find it in your heart to believe me. We had some good times in the past. It could be like that again – think about it.”

I’m about to tell them that he’s right and that I don’t believe him when there’s a huge explosion over our heads. I’m not sure what’s happening, but large rocks come tumbling down. We’re in danger, and arguing with Fandral must wait. More rocks descend onto us and some are rather large. If this continues, we’ll be buried alive! Looking up, I realize a gigantic rock loosened from the sloop above us and falls toward us. Sif realized it as well, but seems frozen to the spot. She stares at the rock, but doesn’t move. I react instinctively – run toward her and pull her off her feet. We roll away from the rock and I pull her behind me in case some smaller rocks also roll this way. “Are you all right?” Now that I have saved her, I can’t ignore her – unfortunately.

“I am fine,” she replies in a breathless voice. “I saw it loosen and fall, but felt paralyzed. I thought I was going to die!”

I look about and find the five of us got separated. Fandral is still close, but Volstagg and Hogun ended up on the other side of the wall. We’re trapped – locked in some sort of cave which formed during the avalanche. I wonder what happened to cause those rocks to come tumbling down. Sif gets to her feet as well and examines the rocks in front of us – searching for a way out. I walk toward Fandral, who has a strange expression on his face. He sits on the ground and each time he inhales, he does so very carefully. On impulse I stretch forth my arms, let my hands hover above his chest area and realize why’s pale. “You’re injured.” I didn’t know I could sense injuries that way until Odin fainted that one time. “Your ribs! Hopefully they didn’t puncture anything.”

“Stupid rock,” Fandral says and points at a rock next to him. “Caught me unaware.”

“We’ll take care of you,” I whisper, hoping it will reassure him. “We’ll get you out.” Fandral gives me a grateful look and Sif kneels next to me, concern colouring her face. 

“How do you plan on getting him out? Thor would smash those rocks, but we cannot.”

She’s right, of course. I had better contact Thor before he panics. Focusing my thoughts, I reach out to him. Thor, we have a minor problem.

Loki! I just returned to get you! What happened? Hogun and Volstagg tell me that there was some sort of avalanche. Are you buried beneath that pile of rock? 

We are indeed. Fandral’s injured. Sif and I are fine. I would appreciate it if you used Mjolnir to create a way out for us.

I will. Stand back!

The moment Mjolnir meets solid rock, a gruelling sounds cuts through the cave and more rock start sliding down. I pull Fandral to his feet and am sorry having to ignore his pain-filled moans. Sif supports Fandral’s other side and we move as far away as possible from the slipping rocks. Thor, stop it! You’re making things worse! If you continue this way, the rocks will crush us after all!

If it is not working then you have to find a way out yourself, Loki. Maybe there is a hidden exit.

Great – now it’s up to me to guide Sif and Fandral to safety. I gently ease Fandral against the wall and hold him in place while thinking of means to escape.

“Thor cannot help, can he?” Sif inquires.

“I’m afraid not. If he keeps banging away, the remaining rock will come down and crush us. We need to find an exit ourselves.” I know that Sif can take care of herself, but I worry about Fandral now that he’s wounded. He can barely stay on his feet and is in pain. “Listen carefully, I want you two to stay here, whilst I search for a way out. You’ll be okay here. Don’t follow me.” I’m asking a lot of Sif though – I can tell by the expression in her eyes. “I know you don’t trust me, and don’t worry – most of the time, I don’t trust myself either, but you can rely on me in this situation. I won’t desert you. I’ll find a way out and then I’ll get you.”

Sif opens her mouth as if to protest, but then remains quiet instead. “Why can we not come with you?”

“Because I need to be fast – I need to be able to fly. Fay taught me about the animals on Midgard and I took a particular interest in bats. They sense spaces around them – they also sense the way out. I’ll change into one and while I’m in that form, I can’t help you carry Fandral.” In the end, Sif nods, and as I don’t want to waste time, I change into a small, black bat. “I’ll be back,” I tell them before the transformation is complete. Fandral smiles trustingly at me – I wonder why.

// 

Flying down another corridor, I memorize the route I’m taking. I’ve tried several corridors, but none led to freedom. Eventually though, I see light at the end of the tunnel – rather literally and I know that I have found a way out. I found it! I tell Thor. Give me some time as I need to get Sif and Fandral there.

Be careful, Loki. I found the footsteps of a Dwarf up here. The avalanche was not an accident – we were set up!

Ivaldi! Maybe I should have killed him after all.

Contrary to what you think, Loki – you are –not- a killer.

This isn’t the right time to discuss that matter. See what you can find out about Ivaldi. I’ll watch my back, but I would prefer for you to take him out of the game.

I will try, and Loki, stay in touch!

I return to the spot where I left Sif and Fandral and change back to my normal form. Fandral’s condition deteriorated and I can tell he’s growing weaker still. Fandral won’t be able to walk and dragging him between us will only worsen his condition. “I found a way out,” I inform Sif, who gives me a worried look. “It’s easy accessible and not that far away. Fandral shouldn’t walk though.” 

She nods. “What do you suggest we do?”

Looking about, I realize that neither the cave nor corridors are cramped. There’s ample of space above and around us. “I’ll take care of it.” I form myself after Sleipnir; praying no one will ever figure out what connects me to him. Who knows, maybe those eight legs will come in handy. Help him onto my back, I tell Sif, touching her mind. I’m surprised she allows it. She helps Fandral onto my back and his hands claw at my mane. Hold on tight, I tell him. Slowly, I get to my feet again and stretch my legs. Sif falls into step next to me and steadies Fandral – in order to keep him from tumbling down. Sif sighs deeply at seeing daylight at the end of the tunnel. Once we have reached the end, I change back and catch Fandral in my arms. I ease him against me and hold him. 

“Loki, did you already see this?” Sif scouted ahead and now gestures for me to join her. 

Thankfully Fandral isn’t that heavy and I manage to lift him in my arms. When I join Sif, I realize our little problem. We’re standing on some sort of cliff and there’s an abyss below us – it’s probably more than two hundred meters deep and that’s one bottom I don’t want to hit.

“What do we do now? Maybe Thor can help?” Sif suggests.

“He can only fly out one person at a time,” And with Ivaldi lurking in the back, I’m not sure we have much time left. Thor, we need you. Concentrate on my thoughts and join us. We need to leave this accursed place before Ivaldi makes another move.

I am on my way!

“It won’t take Thor long to get here,” I tell Sif, trying to comfort her. Fandral’s heavy in my arms, but I can’t lower him onto the cold earth – not in his current state. In the distance, I can already make out Thor’s form. “There he is!” But at the same time, the sloop we’re standing on starts trembling. The sensation worsens and the ground shakes all around us. Thor, fly out Sif. I’ll take care of Fandral. I sense his worry though.

How do you want to get out Fandral? For the only way off that cliff is to fly away from it!

Trust me! And now get Sif! “Sif, get ready, Thor will pick you up and fly you out!”

“I am not leaving without Fandral!” she objects.

“I’ll take care of him, I promised, didn’t I?” Thor reached us by now and I give him a commanding look – one I never knew I was capable of. “Get her out –now!” The rumbling beneath my feet gets worse! Luckily, Thor obeys; he takes hold of Sif, wraps his arms around her and flies away. 

Loki, I am coming back for you!

You don’t need to. I place Fandral onto the earth, which still shakes as I need space to make the transformation work. I don’t have to think for long and settle on the form of a Gryphon – unknown to Asgard, but thanks to Fay I know about the mythical creature. After gathering Fandral gently in my claws, I leap from the cliff. It collides in itself beneath us and I fly toward Thor, who gives me the oddest look ever. 

I’ll take Fandral to the healers. Can you make sure Sif and the others are all right?

Of course! Even while trying to escape from this massive quake, Thor manages to smile at me in that special way of his. I wonder what’s so damn funny that it’s making him laugh. I’ll find out about it later – right now, I have Fandral to worry about.

//

The closest I can get Fandral to the healing area is the throne room as I need an open space to land. The guards can then help me get him to the healers. Approaching the hall, I catch sight of my parents and strangely enough Heimdall is present as well. Dismissing my curiosity, I circle lower. Odin sees me and looks at me. I hear him scream orders, probably in order to alert the guards that I’m bringing in a wounded Fandral.

Cautiously, I hover above the floor and deposit Fandral as gently as I can. I change into my normal form and search for someone who can help me. Two Royal Guards quickly move toward me. “He needs help. Take him to the healers and be gentle with him.” The Guards nod and one of them gathers Fandral in his arms – gently, just like I said. 

“We will take good care of him, your Majesty!” One of them says as they hurry Fandral to the healing room.

I don’t bother correcting them – they will realize Thor has returned to power quickly enough. It’s rare though for one of the Royal Guards to slip like that. I turn around and want to fly back to where I left the others, when Odin quickly grabs my arm and turns me around.

“What happened? How did Fandral’s injury occur?”

“I believe that Ivaldi’s behind it. I don’t know how Ivaldi did it, but Thor found the footsteps of a Dwarf at the avalanche site.” Behind me, I sense Thor’s presence and I look at him from over my shoulder. Sif is still in his arms, but she runs towards me once Thor puts her back onto her feet.

“Where is Fandral?” she demands.

“The Guards took him to the healers.” Sif immediately heads for the doorway and marches out of the hall. Good – one thing less to worry about. “Where are Volstagg and Hogun?”

“On their way back – someone had to take along the horses.” Thor approaches Odin and cocks his head. “The ground did not shake because of natural causes. Someone caused that quake.”

“There are only a very small number of beings capable of causing such a quake and I do not believe Ivaldi is one of them.” Odin scratches his beard and frowns deeply. “Do not venture out on your own again and keep an eye on each other at all times. Maybe Huginn and Muninn can tell me more – they know everything.”

“Maybe, though I wouldn’t count on it.” If it were up to me, I would return to the site and search for clues. But it’s not up to me. Thor’s King here. Thor seems to pick up on my thoughts as he directs his gaze to me.

“I doubt we will learn new facts, Loki. The quake devastated the site.”

“Still, I would like to have a look. I can do that on my own – you’re needed here.” The look Thor gives me speaks of disbelief – but why?

“You cannot possibly believe I am letting you go back there alone! Whoever caused that quake might be waiting for you!”

I’m about to tell him not to worry about me when the Guard who carried Fandral to the healers returns. He comes to a stop in front of me and says, “The healers are looking after him. They examined him and feel confident that he will recover, your Majesty.”

Another slip up? By a Royal Guard? I cough softly in order to draw Thor’s attention. Maybe you’d like to enlighten him? He still believes I’m King. To my utter surprise, Thor shakes his head though – forcing me to react to the Guard’s message. “Thank you. You can return to your post now.” I glare at Thor.

Odin however raises an arm and signals me to remain quiet. “Stop arguing. We have more important matters to discuss. I want the two of you to join me in my rooms, and Loki, bring Gungnir with you. Thor, a word please!” Odin gestures for Thor to join him, and after giving me an apologetic look, Thor walks over to him. The two of them march out of the hall, leaving me behind feeling rather stunned.

“Do not fret,” Frigga says as she walks over to me and folds an arm around me. “We were waiting for this to happen. It is a good thing, Loki. Do not worry, my son. Go fetch Gungnir, I will meet you there.” She pats me on the shoulder, turns away, and follows Odin and Thor out of the hall.

I guess, this leaves me no choice and so I head for Thor’s rooms to collect Gungnir. It annoys me that I don’t know what this is about. I understand that I need to return Gungnir to Odin; I must admit to stalling as I don’t want to part from the artefact. Well, I had better get this over with so everything can go back to being normal – whatever that is.

//

I can’t help feeling some trepidation when I step into my parents’ rooms. Gungnir feels warm in my hand and I hate having to return it to Odin. But the spear belongs to him, not me, and I need to accept that fact.

“Ah, there you are,’” Frigga says as she pulls me close in welcome. “Make yourself comfortable!” She points at the chairs in the corner of the room. Odin and Thor are already sitting down and I look toward Thor to find out in how much trouble I am. Thor however gives me a happy smile and I relax – but only a little. Maybe it won’t be that bad after all. I walk over to them and head for Odin, presenting Gungnir to him. “The spear’s yours. I’m sorry it took me so long to return him to you.” Odin takes hold of Gungnir and gestures for me to sit down next to him and opposite Thor. My mother comes to a halt behind my father’s chair and rests her hands on his shoulders. That gesture seems very familiar to me – Thor likes to do that too. 

“Loki, I did not ask you to come here because I am angry with you,” Odin starts in a reassuring voice. “I do not want you to think that. So I am telling you right now; I am not angry with you. I am angry though with myself for not noticing what was happening.”

I flash Thor an alarmed look. Does Odin want to discuss our love affair?

“No, not yet,” Odin says and chuckles softly. “You are not ready yet to discuss that!”

I swallow hard. Odin knows about us?

Of course he does! Did you really think you could keep it a secret? We are talking about our father here! Odin –knows- everything.

I cringe. “I’m sorry,” I start, addressing Odin, but he merely raises his arm and waves my apology away.

“As I said, we will discuss that matter when the time comes. Right now, we need to discuss something else.” Odin curls his fingers around Gungnir’s shaft and raises the weapon slightly. “Why did it take you so long to return Gungnir to me?”

Is that the reason why he’s annoyed with me? Oh, he might say he’s not angry with me, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t annoy him. I had better answer his question as I don’t want to aggravate him further. “I made the mistake of growing fond of Gungnir. It’s a magnificent weapon and it feels like a natural extension of my arm when I hold it. That’s why, I know I shouldn’t have stalled.” Odin signals me to grow quiet and I obey like I always do. If I can prevent facing an angry Odin, I will!

Odin raises the spear and places it across my lap. Dazed, I look questioningly at him. Why did he do that?

“Did you notice the runes on its shaft?”

I nod, of course I did. How could I not notice them? They’re beautifully done – true works of art.

“Do you know what they say, Loki? Read them for me?” 

Odin’s request strikes me as odd, but Frigga nods encouragingly and so I obey. I need a moment to decipher the symbols though. It’s a complex language, but when they start to whisper into my mind, their meaning takes shape. “The writing says; I choose my own master, and when I do, I will obey only him and no one else.” Strange engraving, but then again, Asgard is definitely a place of mystery. “Can’t you read them then?” Odin smiles at me, and seeing that smile makes me nervous. A moment ago, he appeared annoyed and now he’s smiling? I feel like I’m walking a fine line here. 

“I know what the runes say. They whispered to me on the tenth night – when I had learned their secrets. Ever since then, Gungnir served me well. The spear helped me win many battles.” Odin briefly closes his eye and looks pained. I shift on my chair, ready to take action – whatever action – but then Odin starts to speak again.

“But the spear will not serve me any longer and I do not regret losing it. It is right – everything happening this way.”

I wish I knew what Odin’s talking about. “Gungnir’s still yours.” I lift the spear and want to return it to my father, but suddenly Gungnir grows heavy in my grasp. It’s like the spear’s resisting me – like it doesn’t want to return to Odin.

“My son, do you not understand?” Odin’s voice is remarkably soft and accepting. “You read the runes. Think, Loki!”

I frown. “I don’t understand. The runes chose their master centuries ago – the spear chose you.” What’s there to understand? And even more importantly, why does it refuse being returned to Odin? Unexpectedly, my father takes hold of my hand and forces my fingers to wrap around Gungnir’s shaft. 

“Listen to them sing,” Odin says and gives me a hopeful smile.

And then I hear it – the runes are singing all right – and they sing to me. Stunned, I realize what has happened. “The spear chose me as its new master?”

“It recognized you a long time ago. It has been waiting for you to claim it ever since. Once more, I am to blame. I should have done this when you were younger. I kept it from you because I worried for you. I saw the rising darkness in your heart – the anger and jealousy. Jealous of a brother who loved you best, and anger at a father who lied to you. You did not know why you were angry and jealous and I was too much of a coward to face you. Hopefully you can forgive me one day.”

Tears grow in my eyes, and although I want to push them back, I fail miserably. A moment later, they flow down my cheeks, chin, and drop onto my shirt. “It wasn’t your fault. It was mine!”

“No, Loki! No…” Odin suddenly leans forward and caresses my face. “I failed you a long time ago, but know this – I love you, my son. I always did – and always will. You are my son – blood of my blood as far as I am concerned.”

“Which leads us to that other matter,” Frigga says. 

I’m grateful for her interruption as I’m growing too emotional. And I don’t want that – I need to be in control of my feelings. “What other matter?” I ask, addressing my father again. 

Odin leans back, makes himself comfortable, and curls his fingers around his wife’s hand, pulling it close to him. “We have a unique situation here.”

“That doesn’t help much!” I’m not sure I can be bothered looking into this other matter, whatever it is. My head still spins from realizing that Gungnir’s mine now – that the spear chose me as its master!

“Loki, you had better pay attention,” Thor says, addressing me for the first time. “This is important.”

I sigh, rest Gungnir across my lap, and try to focus on what they’re saying. What’s important and why?

“Maybe you should tell him. That way we can be sure he is paying attention,” Odin says and chuckles, addressing Thor.

I blink. “Tell me what?” I glare at Thor as I feel too intimidated to glare at Odin.

“The Royal Guard addressed you as your Majesty or did it slip your mind? You wanted me to enlighten him, remember?”

“I remember,” I reply, feeling irritated. “What does that have to do with any of this?”

“Upon your return I devised a plan…”

The moment Thor speaks those words, my worries double. “A plan? You actually thought of a plan?”

Thor takes it in stride though. “Aye, as you once said, I do have a brain, although you seem to think I hardly ever use it.”

That shuts me up. I didn’t mean it like that.

I know that, Loki, but listen closely to what I am going to tell you. Thor shifts in his chair and locks gazes with me. “Loki, when you proclaimed me King the other day – it did not go the way you thought it did.”

“Would you please start making sense?” I need to move – to release some of my frustration – and jump up from my chair. I can’t help it – I start pacing the room, carrying Gungnir in my hand. Its presence normally soothes me, but after everything I learned just now I feel on edge. Did I fail to return his power to him? But I felt the balance shift!

“We both rule Asgard. When you handed that power back to me, I made sure a part of it stayed behind – inside your mind. I want to rule Asgard –with- you, Loki. With you at my side and not standing in the shadows.”

Instantly, I understand what he has done. His sheer stupidity amazes me. “Thor, Asgard can’t have two Kings! You’ll ruin everything! Let me return that remaining power to you so…” But Thor rises from his chair, walks over to me, and grabs my shoulders. 

“Loki, listen and –hear- me. I want to rule Asgard –with- you – not without you. If we want our relationship to work – if we want to remain lovers then, we need to be equals!”

Suddenly everything makes sense and I stare at Thor in wonder.

“I remember what you said – all you ever wanted was to be my equal. I was blind not to see that, Loki, I am giving you that –freely -- because we –are- equals. Please accept this.”

Thor managed to shock me to the core. “Can this be undone?”

“No, as far as I am able to tell this is permanent.”

I look from Thor to Odin. “Can this be undone?” I repeat, hoping he knows of a way.

Odin however shakes his head and walks over to us. “Loki, this is the way it should be. I did not think of this possibility when I raised the two of you, but Loki, your gifts are of the mind. You are intelligent – a master of magic. Thor’s gifts are of a physical nature. The two of you need to join forces. Can you not see that?”

It’s two against one, and judging by my mother’s happy smile, it’s three against one. “You shouldn’t have done that,” I tell Thor. “And you shouldn’t have encouraged him,” I say, addressing Odin. I shake off Thor’s hold, turn away from them, and draw in a deep breath. “I need a moment alone,” I announce before marching out of the room. They let me go – thankfully.

//

Thor made me King and I gave that power back to him – I thought. But in reality he cheated. I shield my thoughts from him as I need privacy. I need to come to terms with what he did – they did. Odin undoubtedly knew about Thor’s plans. I continue to walk as movement is the only thing that helps me stay in control of my raging feelings. I need the exercise – need to release my pent up energy. 

“Loki…”

I close my eyes and hope I won’t lash out at Heimdall. “Leave me alone!” I tell him, mastering as much politeness as I can. 

“I will, but first I need to tell you something.”

I force myself to open my eyes and to meet his gaze. It’s odd for Heimdall to leave his post, even though there’s nothing left to guard. Thor destroyed the Bifrost because of me. “Say what you need to say and then let me be.”

“Did it ever occur to you that this is the way it is supposed to be?” Heimdall says and observes me with those golden eyes of his. Eyes that see everything. 

“Honestly? No, I’m a Frost Giant, remember?”

“No, in your heart you are not. In your heart you are Loki, the Loki who loves Thor and is loved in turn. You need to accept that and remember, what is Loki without Thor? And what is Thor without Loki? You are two halves of one soul. Do not let your anger stand in your way. Accept the truth! You have been running away from it your whole life. Now that you are starting to face who you are – do not run away again.”

“Are you done?” Heimdall’s words hit home though. He voiced something I have been growing aware of late – I refused to acknowledge it though.

“Yes, I am done. I wish you well, Loki, King of Asgard.” Heimdall turns and heads for the Bifrost to return to his lonely post.

I continue my walk. Realizing spending time on my own won’t help resolve my problems I head for the healing rooms. Maybe checking on Fandral will distract me. It’s not like I care, of course. I don’t, or do I? 

// 

Fandral’s awake when I walk up to his bed. He looks rather pale and tired, but he doesn’t seem to be in much pain. “If you want to rest, I can leave.” But Fandral indicates I should sit down, and so I do. “I just wanted to make sure you’re well taken care of.”

“They are looking after me like a mother hen looks after her chicks. I am in the best hands. Thank you for acting that quickly. Sif told me what happened and that you found a way out. I do not recall much of what happened, merely flashes, but I do recall seeing you change into that creature.”

“A gryphon,” I help him out as it’s rather obvious he doesn’t know what it is called. How could he? He never spent time on Earth. “Fay told me about them,” I offer. 

“A gryphon, I like the ring to it.” Fandral tries to shift on the bed, but gives up. “That rock broke four of my ribs. I am afraid it will take me some time to heal.”

“Then take that time and don’t rush it.” I feel odd, sitting here and talking to Fandral in this way. All of a sudden, Fandral grabs my hand and holds it tightly. 

“I wish you would let me in, Loki. Do not lock your heart away, I am your friend and so are the others. Sif wants to be your friend too. I wish you would accept what we want to give you. Do not be paranoid, old friend. You deserve our friendship – Thor’s love – and if I have to believe the rumours, sharing Thor’s position at this court. A co-rulership; what an interesting concept!”

I groan. “It appears news travels even faster these days.”

“Sif told me about the way you took charge – you controlled the situation. I would like my King to be like that, it saved my life, you see.”

“I don’t stand a chance, I really don’t.” Fandral squeezes my hand and then lets go. “I’ll leave now. You need to rest.” I get to my feet and feel light-headed. I’m on the verge of understanding something elemental. Something that can and will change my life.

“No, you do not. And do you know why? Because somehow everything was turned around. Your lady did that. When she took you in during that cold night – she did something fate had not foreseen. She changed you and because of that everything changed. Do not fight it, my friend, embrace it instead!”

//

I find a secluded area in one of the gardens surrounding the main buildings. I sit down beneath a tree, place Gungnir across my lap, and close my eyes in order to focus myself. I don’t need to see Gungnir to know it’s close. I choose my own master, and when I do, I will obey only him and no one else. That’s what the runes say and I can feel it’s the truth. The spear feels like a part of me and no one will ever be able to raise it against me in battle. I got everything I ever wanted and yet I feel odd. Thor loves me, my father accepts me, and even loves me back. My mother never stopped loving me! Old friends, who had become my enemies, welcomed me back among them. Heimdall actually approves of me ruling Asgard! Thor made me his equal in every way possible, and yet, I don’t feel like his equal. I feel lacking – damn lacking! 

My dear, aren’t you a bit too hard on yourself?

Fay, do you always lurk in my thoughts? It’s good to hear her voice though. She might not be here in person, but I still sense her presence. You know why this is difficult for me. I wronged them – all of them. And yet they forgive me and welcome me back into their lives. I don’t deserve that.

“But you do deserve it!”

Hearing Fay’s voice aloud, I open my eyes and find she’s sitting in front of me. It’s not wholly Fay though – the Crone is upon her and an old woman faces me, her face wrinkled, her eyes dark, but wise, and her hands rest in her lap like claws. She doesn’t scare me though. Instead, I whisper, “Make me understand because I don’t! I don’t understand why…”

Her eyes take on an even darker hue and her right hand comes to rest against my face. She presses her thumb against my temple, establishing a solid connection. 

“Look and see, Loki.”

And then I see myself through Odin’s eyes. He’s holding me as a baby – skin blue and eyes red – a Frost Giant obviously, but he looks at me with such love in his eye that I find it hard to breathe. He pulls me close against him, protects me from the storm raging outside, and the suspicious gazes trained upon us. I hear him proclaim me his son and threatening anyone who would lay a hand upon me. “You are my son and I name you Loki. My flesh –my blood, my son.”

My eyes grow teary and I wipe at them, but the tears flow down my face nonetheless.

Next, I see Thor. He’s slightly older than me and always tried to protect me no matter what trouble I got myself in. The one scene that affects me the most is seeing him hold me as a baby and pressing a sloppy kiss onto my brow. I didn’t remember that until now. And I’m beginning to understand the love they bear me – the way they see me; always the best of me even when I’m at my worst. Thor never wanted me to let go of Gungnir – instead, he wanted to pull me into his arms and make amends… Father, whose heart started to bleed the moment I let go, the hours he spent crying because he had failed to save me – to love me the way I wanted to be loved. I didn’t know he cried, but this is the Crone, showing me moments in time I never knew about. She would never lie to me. “Enough,” I whisper eventually. “I understand.”

“No, not enough yet,” she decides in a strict voice. “There is one more thing you need to face and understand.”

The images fade and a different scene appears -- a scene that causes me to blush to the roots of my hair. “Must you show me that?” I’m in Thor’s rooms, in his bed to be exact and he’s making love to me – the way he moves – the way he touches me speaks of such love and respect that tears push against my eyelids. I see the rapture on my face when I kiss him back and pull him even deeper into me – needing to feel connect – although I’ll always be tied to him and he to me. The moment Thor finds release he calls out my name and pulls me over the edge with him. I can’t help growing aroused at watching that scene and wished I was brave enough to actually make love with Thor.

“Do you see the way it’s supposed to be?”

The Crone appears again and her eyes claw at mine. “Your destiny changed the moment you allowed Fay into your life. When the Norns wove the thread of your life something remarkable happened – the thread split into two. They were quite shaken by it – they didn’t know what thread to use and so they stopped weaving. The thread split when you let go of Gungnir. The second thread appeared when you went in search of that light and found the cabin. The Norns knew which thread to use when you stepped into the cabin. The other thread broke off – one destiny disappeared and another came into view. The thread of your life grew stronger when you allowed yourself to fall in love with Fay, and when you returned to Asgard to take your place at Thor’s side, the Norns realized fate itself had intervened. Something like that had never happened before in their existence. And so they continue to weave the rest of your life. It is up to you though to decide its course.”

“I know what way to go,” I admit in a shaken voice. “I need to talk to Thor and to my parents as well – but foremost to Thor.”

“Loki, let me offer you one more word of advice. And it’s an advice the three of us wish to give you. Stop talking and make love!” I quickly avert my gaze and grow flustered. “No reason to react like that. Thor desires you, and if only you could admit to yourself that you want him in turn, then the two of you could finally heal. Love equals healing, Loki, and make no mistake – Thor needs to heal too. The both of you were hurt in the past. Thor merely manages to hide his pain better.”

I lean in closer and press a kiss upon her deeply-lined brow. “Thank you. You taught me everything I need to know.”

“Then my work here is done.” Her appearance changes back into that of Fay, who has a sparkling smile on her face. “If you should ever need me, you only need to call.”

“I’ll remember that.” Her form fades and then disappears, leaving me alone with my newly gained insights. I can’t linger here though – I’m about to take control of my life – maybe for the first time ever.

//

“May I enter?” I decided it might be best to face Odin first. I remain standing at the doorway and wait for my father to tell me what he wants.

“Of course, you are always welcome here, my son!” Odin rises from his chair and walks toward me. “This is your home, Loki.”

I look about and realize he’s right – I spent countless hours here; playing with Thor, listening to Odin telling tales, or being cuddled to death by mother. “Those were good times,” I say and smile at remembering those days. 

“But not the best,” Odin says in a hopeful tone. “I hope we still have those ahead of us.” He grows more serious then. “Can you accept the fact that Thor and you are to rule Asgard together? You will have to present a unified front and believe me, in times of trouble – and you will face those – you need to act as one. Can you do that, my son?”

I nod. “I accept this – and I won’t disappoint you – or Thor.” Damn, I fell into the old trap of self-loathing again. “I will do this. I will make it work,” I say, trying again. Odin cocks his head and gives me a questioning look.

“You have changed. What happened after you left?”

“I talked to some new friends,” I say cryptically. “And an old one. Fay opened my eyes – she showed me how my life could be, if only I would accept my fate.”

Odin nods and places his left hand upon my shoulder. “The Norns were rather upset when the thread of your life split in two. I could not help you though. Even I cannot control someone’s fate.” But then he smiles again. “You did well, Loki, and I am proud of you. Never forget that!”

Odin pulls me into his arms and holds me tightly. In the past I would have tried to move away, but not this time. This time, I enfold him in a hug of my own and rest my head against his shoulder. 

“I love you, my son,” Odin whispers into my ear. “Always remember that.”

“I love you too,” I admit and fight the urge to apologize again for my past deeds, but I need to leave the guilt behind if I’m to truly change and become the person I want to be. “Mother and you – I love you both.”

“I know that,” Odin says. He pats my back and then moves out of the embrace. “Thank you for coming here and telling me that, but I believe you need to be talking to someone else right now.”

“I’ll talk to Thor next,” I promise him. “That will be more difficult though.” I recall that Odin knows about our love affair and I can’t help but feel shy. “I never wanted for any of this to happen.”

“But you did – on some subconscious level, and the same goes for Thor. Never feel ashamed for loving him, Loki. You may be brothers in one way, but you are not related by blood. And I approve of your relationship – which is something you need to know. You have my blessing.”

I remind myself that there’s nothing to feel ashamed of and force myself to face my father’s gaze. Odin’s smiling fondly. “I just need a little time to accept it myself. I always thought that this would never happen.”

“Maybe Thor thought the same way on a subconscious level. Go and talk to him, Loki, and do not feel ashamed. Rejoice instead.”

I bury his words deep in my soul, hoping they’ll help me when facing Thor.

//

Thor’s rooms are empty when I enter them and I reach out with my mind to determine his whereabouts. Thor’s thoughts welcome me back and curl around mine invitingly. I’m sorry I locked you out, I tell him, but I needed a moment to think everything over.

And did you reach a decision?

Thor’s apparently in the bathroom, so I walk that way. I did, I understand why you did it and I accept my new position at court. I’ll do my best to make you proud. I open the door to the bathroom and stop in my tracks. Thor’s taking a bath and seeing him naked reminds me of the vision I had earlier. I also recall what the Crone told me – that I should stop talking and finally take the step to make love with Thor. I don’t know if I’m that brave though!

“If you give me a moment, I will get dressed and then we can talk everything over,” Thor offers.

But I shake my head. “Don’t bother. That isn’t necessary.” I hope I can do this and won’t get cold feet. I head for the pool which takes up most of the space in the bathroom. It’s large enough to contain several people and the water easily reaches up to one’s waist. Thor frowns upon seeing me remove my boots and shirt, but I don’t think he realizes my intentions yet. 

“Loki?”

“I had a bit of a revelation earlier. Someone told me to stop talking and to start making love with you. Maybe I should try that.” I can’t deny feeling nervous though, when I step out of my pants. Thor and I have seen each other naked – lots of times actually. It happens when you share quarters. We went swimming naked when we were children and we didn’t worry about anything back then. I shouldn’t worry about it now – Thor has seen me naked. He knows what he’s getting – so if he wants to complain, he shouldn’t have taken me as his lover. Slowly, I wade into the pool and walk toward Thor. 

“Gorgeous,” Thor says admiringly. “I would never dare complain, Loki. Why should I? You are perfect to me.” He raises his right arm and offers me his hand. I put my hand into his and Thor curls his fingers around it. I try not to think about what I’m doing – once I do that, my feelings of inferiority might return and I don’t want that. I want to enjoy this instead. Thor pulls me onto his lap and when our bodies make contact, his arousal is rather obvious. I slide onto his lap, wrap my arms around his neck, and kiss him. 

“I like it when you are like this,” Thor whispers in-between kisses and caresses. “I want –you- and not a mere shadow of yourself. I can take whatever you deal out, Loki. And I like it that way. I need you to challenge me, do you understand?”

I do, but I don’t think I’ll challenge him right now. I’m much too nervous for that. “In time,” I whisper in reply. “Contrary to you I do feel anxious about this.” I never had a male lover. I never made love this way and I hate the fact that I’m so damn inexperienced.

“Do not worry, Loki. We will do this together. We are partners, equals.”

I nod, finally understanding what he has been trying to tell me all along. “Guide me,” I whisper into his ear. “I want to know you in that way. We have been avoiding this issue for much too long.” Thor’s hands glide down my body, caressing my skin and I close my eyes, savouring the touch. He really wants me, I realize, thinking it to myself, but when I hear Thor chuckle, I know he caught the thought. 

“I do and only you!”

Thor’s hands slips beneath my buttocks and position me. Accepting his guidance, I let him manoeuvre me and attack his lips instead. Thor answers my kiss with a passion equal to mine. When he finally enters me, I groan in surprise, realizing we’re now connected in a different way. The bond between us deepens, and when he begins to move, I catch on quickly and am able to anticipate his actions. Soon, we move together and I kiss him, slipping my tongue into his mouth and tasting him. His hands return to worship my body – it’s the only way I can describe him touching me. I release his lips, realizing I’m nearing my peak. “I love you,” I need to say the words – need to hear me say them.

Thor’s reply is instant. “I love you too, Loki. My heart beats only for you.”

Climaxing, I hold onto him and involuntarily claw at his back. “Thor!” His name is but a whisper, but even if he doesn’t hear me say it, he’ll hear me in his mind. Thor rocks beneath me the moment he reaches orgasm and I look at him – wanting to know the way he looks during such an intimate moment. His face is an open book and I don’t need to hear him assure me that he loves me – his eyes tell me so. 

“Please stay like this a little longer,” Thor says in an emotional tone. “I do not wish to let you go yet. I want to hold you in my arms for the rest of my life.”

That might be a tad long, Thor. We have a realm to rule as well.

Let Asgard rule itself! Thor guides my head against his shoulder and strokes my back in a soothing way. You are the one I care about – I always did, Loki, never leave me again.

You ensured I can’t leave, I lecture him. You made me King, remember? I’m stuck here – with you. But I smile at him in order to let him know that I don’t mind. 

Yes, you are stuck with me! Thor’s fingers slip into my hair and massage my scalp. “Thank you for this,” he says in a voice that trembles with emotion. “Thank you for this moment.”

“No need to grow sentimental,” I admonish him. “I doubt this is the last time we’ll make love.” At hearing that Thor’s eyes begin to sparkle and a huge grin appears on his face. What did I say to cause such a reaction?

“I greatly desire to make love to you again,” Thor says eagerly. “In fact, I would love to do so each day of my life.”

I can’t help but smile at seeing the love and passion in Thor’s eyes. “You never were good at hiding your feelings.” It’s all in the open now – it’s all there for me to see. Thor will never let me slip me away again and I love him for it. I press a kiss onto his brow and look into his eyes. “I love you, Thor. I always did. Forgive me for being vindictive in the past. Forgive me for trying to kill you, I didn’t want to kill you, but…”

“You wanted my attention,” Thor finishes knowingly. “You wanted me to notice you and to accept you as an equal.”

And now he did just that – how remarkable is that?

//

“What are you doing?”

I button up my shirt and look at Thor from over my shoulder. “What does it look like? Maybe I’m getting dressed?” 

Thor, still naked, frowns upon hearing that. “I can see that, but why are you getting dressed?”

I roll my eyes. “Because Ivaldi is still out there and I don’t want him to accidentally kill someone will getting to us. Fandral could have died.” Thor grabs his pants and steps into them. “No,” I tell him. “You’re not coming along. One of us needs to be here at all time.”

“Oh, I am coming along! I am not staying here while you insist on endangering yourself again.” Thor also slips into his shirt, dons his armour, and attaches his cloak to it. 

“Thor, be sensible. Asgard can’t be without a King.” 

Thor however seems to disagree. He makes his way over to me, places his hands on either side of my head, and says, “Where you go, I go. It is as simple as that.”

“Thor, this is a mistake. Let me deal with Ivaldi.” 

Thor takes hold of my cloak and hands it to me. “Now that you are King, you should look the part.”

Looks like our discussion has been closed. I don the cloak, but only to humour him. “I refuse to wear the helmet though.”

Thor shrugs and chuckles. “You have to wear it on official occasions.”

“Damn!” I can’t be bothered growing angry over that fact though and my mellowness has everything to do with the expression in Thor’s eyes. Unwillingly I recall our lovemaking earlier and a blush creeps onto my face.

“That was good, was it not?” Thor asks upon reading my mind. “And the best thing is that we will do it again! Maybe this evening, beneath the starlit skies.”

I can’t resist teasing him just a little. “Make sure Heimdall isn’t watching though.”

Thor laughs at hearing that. “You are right. We need some privacy. Are you ready to go then?” Thor picks up Mjolnir and tightly curls his fingers around it.

It makes me consider taking Gungnir along, but I’m not sure I should. However, the moment I think about the spear, it starts to hum in a low tone. Thor notices it and looks at the spear. “Maybe I should take it with me.”

“I would not be surprised if it followed you out of its own accord,” Thor says, but only half-joking.

I walk over to the corner and take hold of the spear. The moment I touch it, a welcoming tingling travels through my fingertips. “It’s odd,” I muse softly. “When Odin said Gungnir had chosen me as its master, I couldn’t quite believe it, but each time I touch the spear it feels more like a part of me.”

“I feel like that about Mjolnir,” Thor confirms and another smile appears on his face. “You always liked wielding Gungnir. I am happy for you that the spear is yours now.”

“Do you still want to do this?” I ask Thor. “You don’t need to come along. I’m perfectly capable of handling the matter on my own.” And for the first time in my life I mean those words. I do believe I can handle whatever Ivaldi will throw at me. 

“I am sure you can, Loki, but I would rather watch your back if you let me.”

It has been decided then. “Tag along then.” There’s no use in arguing with Thor. No matter what, he always gets what he wants.

//

“You’re right, but you’re also wrong.” I studied the few remaining foot prints, which the quake didn’t destroy. “These footsteps belong to a Dwarf, but these don’t. They’re odd.”

“Those are not exactly footprints,” Thor says adamantly. “If they are prints, a creature unknown to me walks Asgard.”

I reach the same conclusion. “An alarming thought, isn’t it?” I look about and take in the devastation. Ivaldi’s new accomplice is powerful and I hope we can take him out before he does even more damage. 

“Loki, if we are right about this, then we have a problem.”

I nod. “That’s exactly why you should allow me to track down this creature and deal with it. You should be sitting on the throne and rule Asgard.” The moment I look at him, I realize that he’ll never agree to that. It’s like Thor said – no more solitary actions – we work as a team now. “What do you suggest we do then? Wait for them to make their next move?”

“Maybe that is the only thing we can do, Loki.” Thor wraps his right arm around me and pulls me against him. “We do not know what kind of foe we face and therefore we must stand united. We must act as one. We cannot split up.”

I understand his line of thought, but I believe it to be flawed. I comply though. “We should go back. I want to check on Fandral and you must have other matters to attend to.”

“Those matters are your business too. We shall visit with Fandral first and then we will listen to our advisors. We make our decisions together.”

Thor’s expression is remarkably serious and it tells me he won’t take no for answer. So be it. I don’t want to fight Thor, especially knowing why he’s acting in this way. I do feel hesitant to meddle with affairs of state though, but it looks like Thor wants me to act the part. After all, I’m King now.

//

I do my best to listen to Thor’s advisors, but my mind keeps drifting off. What force could possibly create a quake like that? A Giant maybe? But what about the footsteps? Nothing makes sense and I massage my left temple, trying to do away with the pressure building inside my head. I hate it when I can’t solve a riddle.

“You are not much of a help,” Thor says once we’re alone again. “I counted on your council. Instead, you…”

I raise a hand and shake my head. “I told you that I’m not suited to be King, yet you carried on your plan. Now life with it! I have more urgent things on my mind.”

“And it is making your head ache. You think too much.” Thor sits down on the throne and pulls me down with him. “Try to relax!” 

His strong hands are remarkably gentle when massaging my neck. “Feels good,” I admit and the dark curtain that kept me from thinking starts to clear away. “It doesn’t make sense! If a Giant caused the quake we would have found his footsteps. But if it wasn’t a Giant then who…” Suddenly Thor’s lips press against the nape of my neck and the kisses he places there make it even more difficult for me to think. “You’re distracting me.”

“As was my intention,” Thor says before returning to kiss just below my ear. 

“We should not do this in public.” The Royal Guards stare straight ahead and pay us no attention, but I dislike having an audience.

“Such a pity,” Thor comments, but then complies. “Loki, there is nothing you can do. Our enemies have gone into hiding and we must wait until they show themselves. Until then, we can do nothing.”

I hate admitting it, but Thor is right. 

//

“Do not worry about me! I feel stronger each day!” 

Fandral sounds optimistic, but as long as the healers keep him confined to bed I continue to worry. It’s the first time in my life that I feel comfortable admitting that. In the past I would have tried my hardest to deny that I cared. But I do – I care about Fandral’s well-being and I’m allowed to. “They keep you wrapped in bandages though,” I say, feeling the need to point that out to him.

“A mere precaution on their part,” Fandral replies and smiles. “I feel honoured though you worry about me, Loki.”

Thor looks at me hearing that and I shrug. “I realized a few things about myself the other day and I gave myself permission to care.”

“I cannot imagine not being allowed to care,” Thor muses. “I am glad you found a way to do away with that.”

“Do you know who caused the avalanche? Who brought down that mountain that buried us beneath it?” Fandral asks.

I shake my head, hating having to disappoint Fandral. “We don’t –unfortunately.”

“That means you are still in danger.”

Fandral’s comment makes me eye him closely. “Why do you say that?”

“I had ample time to think, being confined to bed. The attack did not happen until Thor had left and I do not believe that Sif, Volstagg, Hogun, or me were targeted in that attack. Sif and I happened to be close enough to you to be buried as well. Someone targeted you, Loki. Someone wants you dead, my old friend.”

I dislike admitting it, but Fandral is probably right; I reached the same conclusion some time ago. Thor grabs my hand, pulls at it, and forces me to look at him. “Why are you surprised? I exposed the Dwarves, I broke their spells, and broke their hold on father and you. They want to get back at me.”

“That puts you in great danger.” Thor obviously doesn’t like that.

“Don’t worry about it. I can defend myself especially now that I can command Gungnir.”

“Yes, I wondered about that,” Fandral muses. “Pray tell what happened. News of the outside world is rare in this prison.”

Fandral tends to be a bit overly dramatic, but I know being confined down here makes him itchy. “Apparently Gungnir has a will of its own and it chose me as its new master, forsaking Odin, who didn’t seem to mind that much, to be honest.” Fandral carefully shifts on the bed, and the cautiousness he displays shows he’s far from healed. 

“You will be a good King, Loki. Thor needs someone who can peg him down.”

Thor chuckles. “You are extremely lucky that you are injured, Fandral. I would not let that remark go unpunished.”

The three of us know he’s merely joking. “You would not hurt me!” Fandral exclaims in amusement. I catch the fatigue in his eyes though and signal for Thor to end this visit; Fandral needs to rest. 

“We will visit again with you shortly,” Thor says who understands why I want to leave. “You should rest.”

“I will,” Fandral says in a tragic voice. “It is not like I have a choice!”

//

During the evening, Thor grows quiet – he’s too quiet and I resist finding out by mind touch what’s bothering him. Instead, I join him in looking out of the window and tentatively wrap an arm around his waist. I’m still working on reaching out to him in a tactile way – normally it’s Thor touching me. “You can talk to me, you know – regardless of the matter that troubles you.”

Thor looks at me and offers me a sorrowful smile. “Not peeking into my head then?”

“No, I know when not to do that – you are entitled to your privacy when you’re like this. I thought asking you instead might work.” I hope he won’t lock me out. I want to help; if I can, that is. Thor wraps an arm around me in turn and leans against me, which causes me to tighten the embrace. 

“I was thinking about Jane,” Thor says thoughtfully. 

Ah, Jane, I should tread carefully then. “Hopefully you were remembering fond moments then?” I feel terribly inapt discussing such a personal matter and hope I won’t distress Thor further.

“We discussed several matters towards the end of her life. I entrusted her with everything. She knew everything about me; I did not hold back. She appreciated that, and in turn, she trusted herself to me. We were happy, Loki, but both of us knew it would not last. She was mortal and aged. When she was too weak to walk on her own, I took care of her. When she died, I held her hand and kissed her goodbye.”

How did we get from fond memories to her death? But then I recall something the Crone said, namely that Thor’s hurting too, but that he manages to hide it better. Her words make sense now. Losing Jane must have hit Thor hard. “You loved her and she knew that. Her life was a happy one – she had you.”

Thor nods, but the smile, filled with sorrow, remains. “We discussed you as well, Loki. “

That shouldn’t come as a surprise, but it does. Do I really want to know what Thor told her about me?

“We also discussed how I should continue my life after her death and she was very adamant about me not giving up on life. She feared that I would drown in sorrow, and at first, I did, but then that magic spell darkened my mind. It was not until you returned that I got a grip on life again. I have to thank you for that.” Thor presses a kiss onto my lips and actually blushes. “Jane will always be a part of me. She will live on in my heart, but I also know she wanted me to love again.”

I nod, slip a hand beneath his clothes, and rub his back in soothing strokes. I’m at a loss for words, something which seldom happens and so I remain quiet, offering my silent support, knowing Thor will understand. 

“What about your lover? Fay or the Morrígan? She always confuses me,” Thor admits and gives me a curious look. “Are you not bound to her? Will she not feel betrayed because you took me as your mate?”

“She doesn’t,” I assure him. “She’s a free spirit and so am I. She actually urged me to court you. She would have kicked my ass if I hadn’t accepted your love.” Which is true. Hearing that seems to reassure Thor and his smile grows more genuine. 

“I am very fortunate then, Loki…” He pauses and I wonder why. “I want to make love with you again.”

“Hopefully not right here – in front of the window for the whole of Asgard to see!” 

“No,” he says quickly. “I would prefer the bed, this time.”

I feel weak in the knees at the prospect of being intimate with him again. I can’t seem to shake this bashfulness. Thor takes my hand and guides me over to the bed. I want to sit down, but Thor shakes his head, telling me not to. What is he up to?

Relax and trust me.

Hearing Thor in my mind does the trick and I calm down. I wish I could stop being nervous about this. Thor removes my cloak, tells me to step out of my boots, and slowly, it dawns on me what’s going on. He unbuttons my vest and then drops the shirt to the floor as well. I shiver, standing in front of him half-naked. Thor’s hands slip toward my pants and he removes those too. “I feel at a distinct disadvantage here,” I complain, as I’m naked and Thor still fully clothed. 

“I just want to see you like this, I want to remember this.” 

Thor’s hands move across my skin, caressing me, and cause me to grow aroused. I close my eyes in bliss and concentrate on the sensations running through my body. His lips attach themselves to the tender skin of my throat and leave a trail of kisses down my chest. I open my eyes again when he pushes me toward the bed. Catching on, I lie down on it, turning onto my right side so I can keep watching him. Thor takes off his clothes as well, and once more I’m reminded of the differences between us. Where his body is packed with muscle, I’m lean. Where his hair’s fair, mine is dark. We’re opposites in so many ways and yet our souls are one. Thor climbs onto the bed, pushes me onto my back, which I allow, and covers me with his body. His hands stroke down my flanks; each time he touches me like this, it amazes me how gentle his big hands can be. He touches me like I’m fragile, like I’ll break if he pushes too strongly, but I won’t break and he knows it. It’s just his way to express his love for me.   
When he finally enters me, I wrap my legs around him, forcing him deeper into me. It’s not merely a physical act – while Thor moves slowly, I caress his mind each way I can. Reaching orgasm, I realize we have truly become one and I savour the fact that we’re connected in that way. Spent, Thor smiles at me and his love for me flares in his mind. He doesn’t need to tell me that he loves me – it’s in every cell of our being. And so, Thor rolls off of me, turns onto his side, and continues so smile at me in that ridiculous way of his. His arms slip around my waist and he drapes a leg across my thigh. “Feeling a tad possessive, are we?” I say jokingly. 

“I do not need to,” Thor replies. “You are mine like I am yours. This is for ever.”

“Forever is an awfully long time.” But I’m not complaining, merely teasing him.

“Forever cannot last long enough for me,” Thor whispers into my ear and then places another kiss right at that spot on my neck where I’m especially sensitive. “Because I will spend it with you.”

I want to make fun of him for being so overly romantic, but I don’t. Thor really feels that way about me, and truth be told, I feel the same way about him too!

//

Loki, wake up! Loki, wake up now! 

Thor practically screams into my mind, causing me to grow instantly alarmed. He would never violate my mind without proper reason. I’m awake, calm yourself! That moment I realize something is very wrong. The temperature inside our room is way below freezing and a layer of ice settled onto my body. Cracking open my eyes—but only slightly, I see that Thor’s in a similar situation. His eyes are fully open, but he seems incapable of movement because of the thick coating of ice that imprisons him. Not being a Frost Giant like me, Thor is more susceptible to the cold. And I sense the magic in the room – not that of a Dwarf though. He enlisted the help of a Storm Giant. 

Ivaldi made his move and I cannot intervene. This casket of ice renders me immobile. I cannot even reach for Mjolnir!

Contrary to you, I’m fine. I can shake off the ice within seconds.

Be careful though, you do not know his plans!

He intends for us to freeze to death, Thor. That’s his game plane, and knowing Ivaldi he’ll show up to gloat while we’re still alive. 

Then we should appear frozen and deal with this threat for once and for all. As I cannot move, you need to take him out, Loki.

Don’t worry -- I will. We don’t have to wait for long. A few seconds later, footsteps sneak into the room and my senses tell me that the enemy has arrived. He’s here.

I see him, Loki. He stands behind you and he is alone.

Yes, he left the Storm Giant outside. It would have caused quite a stir if he had brought him along. Ivaldi’s magic is gone and so he couldn’t hide the Giant from view.

What do you intend to do, Loki?

Give him a moment to gloat; I need that time in order to prepare.

Ivaldi walks up to our bed, and grins, showing his perfectly white and very sharp teeth. “Finally I get to avenge my brethren! I would have been satisfied by merely killing you, Loki, but now that I can end both your miserable lives I will gladly do so. My new friend, Skagg, will continue to lower the temperature inside this room –even gods can die!”

Reaching out with my mind, as I don’t want to give myself away yet, I locate Gungnir and find the spear standing in a corner close to the bed. I never tried this before, but I feel confident that I can do this. If Gungnir pledged itself to me as his new master, it will obey under every circumstance. I curl my thoughts around the spear, and it reacts at once, humming in that odd way. I do hope Ivaldi doesn’t notice it, as the Dwarf is busy taunting us. Good. 

With a flick of my mind, I send the spear flying towards the Dwarf. Gungnir catches Ivaldi unaware and pierces his chest, throwing him off his feet and impaling him against the door. I sit up, shake off the film of ice that covers me, and turn around to face our nemesis. I don’t need to worry about Ivaldi attacking us any longer. Gungnir is deeply lodged inside the Dwarf’s heart, which stopped beating even before he hit the door. “One down, one more to go,” I whisper. What do I do next? I need to take out the Storm Giant obviously, but I would rather have Thor’s strength aiding me. 

Thor however is still imprisoned in a shell of ice. I need to do away with the ice first. I never did this before, but I –am- a Frost Giant, so I should be able to manipulate that ice coat. I rest my hands on Thor’s chest and concentrate. The ice starts to melt until eventually it’s thin enough for Thor to break free of his own. Flexing his muscles, he shatters the mantle of ice. One less problem to deal with. Now he can aid me in driving off, or if necessary, kill that Storm Giant.

“That is quite a remarkable sight,” Thor says as he gets to his feet. “The blue skin and red eyes do not quite suit you though.”

Looking at my hand, I realize I let my control slip while freeing Thor. Quickly, I concentrate, taking my usual form. “Better this way?” I leave the bed as well and walk over to Ivaldi.

“Not better – but familiar,” Thor says as he follows me over to the Dwarf. “Good throw, you are full of surprises, I like that!”

I pull at the spear, and when it breaks free, the dead Dwarf tumbles down onto the floor. “He won’t bother us again.”

“What about the Storm Giant?” Thor asks a tad too eagerly.

“You can take him out. Anything that involves pummelling and bashing is your territory.” I’ll indulge him, knowing it’s what he does best. Thor nods, raises Mjolnir, and flies out of the window. I’ll follow him in a second, but first I need to make sure Ivaldi’s really dead. I don’t want him to rise from the dead and hunt us again. Stretching my hand toward Ivaldi, I call upon the fire inside me. It leaves my fingers, devours Ivaldi, and leaves nothing behind—not even ash. Fire can be greedy.…

Listening to the commotion outside, I gather Thor is enjoying himself beating up that Storm Giant—making sure the Giant will never set foot onto Asgard again. I walk toward the window and look outside. Ah yes, Thor finished him off on his own. I never doubted his ability to deal with the Storm Giant. Using Mjolnir, Thor delivers a crushing blow to the Giant’s brow. It sends him flying off into the air and I lose interest when he vanishes from sight. 

“That one will not dare getting close to us again,” Thor announces as he returns to our room. 

I nod. “Ivaldi used him in order to attain his goal. That Storm Giant had no personal grudge against us.” Which is probably the reason why Thor didn’t kill the Giant and allowed him to live. 

“We make an excellent team – you and I!” Thor says, feeling mighty pleased. Then he looks about and frowns. “What happened to the Dwarf?”

“I took care of him. He’s gone and won’t be back.”

Suddenly the doors open and alongside the Royal Guards, Odin and Sif march into the room.

“What happened here?” Odin says, looking about rather stunned. “I received a message from Heimdall telling me Ivaldi was trying to kill you.”

“We took care of it,” Thor replies as he pulls me into his arms. “We took them out, working as a team.”

He does sound awfully smug about that. “Ivaldi’s dead and that Storm Giant will think twice about facing Thor again.”

“So the threat’s gone?” Sif asks, making sure.

“It’s over,” I reassure her. Turning in Thor’s embrace, I slip my hand into his. No matter what will happen in the future, Thor and I will face it together.

//

Apparently my fellow Asgardians noticed Thor kicking out the Storm Giant and would like an explanation. In order to appease them, Thor called for an assembly. The hall is crowded; if I’m not mistaken every Asgardian living here made an appearance. I even spy Heimdall to my right. In the past, I would have hidden in the shadows. These days, I feel proud to be standing in front of the crowd. Thor sits on the throne, like he should, and I stand behind him. I hold Gungnir in one hand and eye the crowd curiously. I place my other hand on Thor’s shoulder and he reacts at once, covering my hand with his, acknowledging our unique relationship.

He just finished telling the Asgardians that they have two Kings now, instead of one, and that he plans on having me at his side until the day we die – the romantic. Then he explains about Ivaldi and the Storm Giant and when he ends his tale, the crowd applauds and cheers him on. Sif stands to my right and is actually smiling at me. Fandral, standing next to her, still needs Volstagg’s support, but lifts an arm and waves at me. Odin and Frigga stand close to the throne and looking at them, I realize I never saw that particular look on my father’s face before – it’s pride—an immense sense of pride. My mother merely looks happy, and even though I dislike showing my feelings in public, I can’t help smiling back at her.

Nuada suddenly flies away; it took him time to warm up to Huginn and Muninn, but he did, and I saw the three birds together quite often. Now he heads for the back of the hall, and when he lands, I see the Morrígan standing there in her triple form. Behind them, I make out three shadows – three more female shapes hover there, but barely recognizable. 

“Do you see them too?” Thor whispers in a nervous voice.

“I do.…” I hope Thor doesn’t feel threatened by her presence. “The Morrígan means us no harm.” 

“I am not speaking about her, but of the three forms behind her. Do you not know them?”

Thor’s remark makes me frown and focus on the shadowy shapes; and then I recognize them. The Norns – and they’re weaving a thread. That thread slithers across the floor and towards us. Knowing I can’t possible fight them, I simply wait for what’s to come. The thread slithers up Thor’s leg, latches on onto his wrist and curls around it. Thor gives me a worried look, but all I can do is shrug. I have no idea what’s going on either. 

Then the thread moves on, slithering towards me and wrapping itself around my wrist as well. Looking closer, I realize my mistake. It’s not one solitary thread; there are two of them. One is golden, the one silver. As magically as the thread appeared, it vanishes, but my magic tells me that the thread running across my wrist is still there—as well as Thor’s.

Children, know your fate is now one. The moment one of you dies, the other will follow. This is the way it shall be. The Norns have spoken.

And then the voices vanish from inside my head, and so do the Morrígan and the Norns which hovered above her. “I reckon we won’t be needing wedding bands,” I say jokingly, recalling a human tradition. Thor looks at me in an awed way and I squeeze his shoulder. “Snap out if it! Everybody’s watching us.”

“I do not care about them!” Thor rises from the throne, walks around it, and comes to a halt next to me. He takes hold of my hand, twines our fingers, and looks at our joined hands. “To the death it is, Loki. Just you and me.”

Trust Thor to react in such a dramatic way. “This doesn’t change anything,” I remind him. 

“You are right.” Thor nods sternly. He leans in closer and whispers against my lips, “We will live and love together and when the day comes, we will die together.”

“Let’s hope that day won’t come for a very long time,” I manage to whisper before Thor claims my lips in front of the crowd, and oddly enough, I don’t mind. Our love is true and I no longer feel the need to hide. I’d rather shine next to Thor than cower in the shadows and it’s right that way. It’s the way it should be. The way it will be – until the day we die.


	3. Chapter 3

Because I Love You…

Prologue

I wake up to a cold and lonely bed, which is something I have come to detest. Having Loki close, snuggled up to me, makes a much better start of the day! Looking about, I find him seated on the floor. The flames in the fireplace burn strong and I suspect he’s feeding them his energy. I see his silhouette and judging by his facial expression, he’s worried. And when Loki worries, I worry. 

Loki must be lost in thought as he doesn’t sense me waking up and leaving the bed. Loki is an open book in many ways, but there are corners of his soul which even I can’t reach. I don’t believe he keeps me out on purpose; he simply feels ashamed of his past, and even worse, certain sides to his personality that he believes shouldn’t exist – like his female side, which he showed me only recently; and only because Sif practically bullied him into it. 

I make my way over to my lover, kneel behind him, and wrap my arms around him. Loki’s mind stirs at once, reaching out to make sure it’s just me and no stranger. “Hush now,” I tell him. “No need to feel cornered.” Loki will always partly remain a mystery to me. Where I’m straightforward, he’s complex. With me, you get what you see, with Loki, you never know what will happen next. I must admit that unpredictability attracts me to him; it’s challenging and I do love a challenge. 

“It is merely me.” I rest my chin on his shoulder and gently probe his mind in order to find what’s ailing him. “ Why did you leave our bed? You are making a habit out of that.” Loki rests his right hand on top of my arm and squeezes lightly. He’s in one of those moods then. No matter how often I assure him that the past is just that, he can’t seem to let go. 

“My thoughts kept me awake. I watched you sleep for some time, but then I started to feel restless.” 

I appreciate the fact that Loki hardly ever tries to manipulate me these days and presents me with honest answers instead; like now. If he does try to manipulate me, he does it because he wants to protect me. He has this absurd notion that he’s my guardian and that he has to keep me safe. I can take of myself, but Loki sees it as his duty to watch over me. “What is on your mind? I cannot read your thoughts.” Which means Loki is keeping something from me on purpose – something he either feels ashamed of, or it’s something he thinks I’ll dislike learning about. 

“You can talk to me, Loki. You can always talk to me.” He was there for me when I needed to talk about Jane, but he seldom gives me the chance to support him instead. He has this insane notion that he has to do everything by himself. Loki doesn’t reply and he doesn’t open his mind for me either. That’s when I know that more drastic measures are in order. I resort to one tactic that always seems to work. I move his hair - which has gained shoulder-length by now – out of the way, and press kisses against his neck. During the months that we have been lovers, I have learned where he’s exceptionally sensitive and I shamelessly use that knowledge to my advantage, knowing Loki will share his troubled thoughts with me once he feels reassured of my love. “I want to make love to you,” I whisper into his ear and Loki trembles against me, involuntarily pressing back against me in order to increase the skin-on-skin contact.

“You don’t play fair,” Loki mumbles, but as he doesn’t resist my attempt to seduce him, I proceed. “You know I want that too.”

“What do you want, Loki? Tell me.” I need him to voice his wishes as he tends to put my needs first. “What do you need? What is your desire? In what way would you like me to please you?” Along with the subtle verbal seduction, I continue to kiss his neck, working my way slowly toward his spine. “Tell me…” 

“I want you to make me feel loved. To feel like I belong.” 

It’s not the first time he voiced it like that and it clarifies how much he needs me in order to make –him- feel loved. It shouldn’t have to be that way, but the scars inside his soul are far from healed. I do believe though that each time we make love those scars fade a little more. I’ll do anything possible to see him healed. We all made mistakes; our parents, Loki, and me, and only working together can we create a better future; a future in which Loki is able to accept and love each aspect of his being.

“You belong with me, Loki. I do love you.” It’s odd, but past encounters taught me that I merely need to speak the words in order for Loki to relax. It’s not the act of making love itself that changes the color of his thoughts. But I do want to make love to him – more than anything else. I want to see his face though, I need to see the expression in his eyes. “Turn around.” I shift, and sit cross-legged instead. Loki looks at me from over his shoulder, and when my hands admiringly roam his body, he quivers beneath my touch. 

Loki moves onto my lap and I slip my hands beneath his buttocks, guiding him closer so I bury myself in his body. Once we’re connected, I refrain from moving. As I said before, it’s not actually making love that helps Loki heal, it’s feeling connected. I guide his brow against my shoulder, enfold him in a hug, and rock him slowly. With each passing second, Loki continues to relax and then allows himself to fall. I catch him as I always do, and once he opens his mind for me, I thrust upward – slowly, but definitely staking my claim. “You are mine, Loki. For always.” 

It takes Loki a few seconds to allow himself to let go, but when he does, he moves along with my thrusts. When he starts to ride me in earnest, I seek out his lips and kiss him passionately. Loki responds with a passion equal to mine, and I wish I could undo the damage I did in the past. The way Loki is right now is the way he is supposed to be – passionate, loving, wild, and beautiful. I love you, I whisper into his mind. I always will.

I love you too, Thor. Loki’s pace doubles and his movement grows frantic as he takes us higher and toward release.

Unable to hold back anymore, I crush him against me, bury myself as deeply as I can inside his body, and lure his thoughts closer so I can caress his mind. Loki trembles against me, reaches his climax, and claws my back, holding on while his orgasm triggers mine. Clinging to each other, I smile at him and guide his head against my shoulder once more. I continue to hold him, savoring the ultimate sensation of being one in body and mind. 

Once my love fills every dark corner of his mind, I try again. I don’t play fair and Loki knows it, but he always lets me get away with it. If he truly minded me finding out in this way, he wouldn’t allow it. “Care to tell me now what is ailing you?” Loki sighs, but doesn’t move away, and so I tighten my hold on him. “You can trust me. Whatever it is, it will not make me turn away from you. Remember, we are one.” Loki draws in a deep breath, and when he starts to speak, he whispers the words against my shoulder. It seems, he’s apprehensive about telling me while looking at me. It’s fine with me though, as long as I find out what’s making him feel depressed. 

“This can’t last. Something bad will happen. I’ll do something stupid and ruin this. One way or the other, you’ll recall you hate me.” 

The words he speaks tell one story, but his mind – which is still wide open -- tell another and I listen closely, knowing Loki finds it hard to describe his feelings. Not because he wants to trick me, but because he has little experience expressing himself in such a way.

I’m afraid you can’t accept me – all of me. All my different sides… You can’t love –me-.

That is not as helpful as I had hoped. His thoughts leave ample room for misinterpretation. The only way to deal with this is to confront him with it. “What side of you do you fear I cannot accept?” Loki instantly raises his head and stares at me in shock. “You opened your mind to me – thankfully. How else am I to know what vexes you?” Loki doesn’t seem pleased, but I know he won’t run away – not anymore. He’ll face this, because I’ll make him.

“I’m a shape shifter, Thor, I feel at home in many forms.” 

Loki still isn’t helping much, but I’m beginning to see where this is going – if my assumptions are correct, that is. “Are we talking about your female form and the way I reacted upon seeing you like that?” Now that I come to think of it, Loki never assumed that form again. Did I unwillingly hurt his feelings? But I was too stunned to make much sense of it – that’s all I can say in my defense. “I am right, am I not?” I sense Loki’s confusion now that I figured it out. I slide my fingers into his hair and mess it up. I like it better that way—instead of it lying slick against his skull. “Loki, you surprised me that evening. And not just me! You stunned Sif as well.” 

Loki shrugs in an attempt to dismiss the seriousness of the situation we’re in, but I refuse to let him get away with it. “You want to be able to express that side of your personality around me, but you are afraid of the way I will react?” I don’t need Loki to confirm that for me – the way he averts his eyes and tries to avoid contact is confirmation enough. That, plus the fact that his thoughts froze so I can no longer read them. He’s trying hard to fool me – to make me believe that I reached the wrong conclusion. “Loki, do not shut me out.” 

“The need sometimes overwhelms me,” Loki says, suddenly giving in. I feel relieved now that he has started to admit the truth. “I had to hide it in the past, and ever since that evening, the need to acknowledge that part of me has been growing stronger. I realize that seeing me as a female makes you uncomfortable, and I vowed to refrain from taking that shape around you, but it feels… It makes me feel…” 

“Incomplete.” Now, it all makes sense. “Loki, I told you before, and I will tell you again; you can assume any shape you like around me. I love you – even if you looked like a frog.” That last addition thankfully causes him to smile. “Although making love to you in that way would prove rather impossible.” The gods help me, but I’m growing aroused again. I want to possess him again – I need to reestablish the connection that binds us, but this time, I will approach the matter differently. I made a mistake in the past and I won’t make it again. 

Gathering Loki in my arms, I lay him down on the fur in front of the fireplace. The flames are dying, and it tells me just how conflicted Loki feels. I can help though and I will. Loki parts his legs so I can move between them and I happily claim my rightful position as his lover. Drawing in a deep, steadying breath, I lay my hands on him and run my fingers down his abdomen. Loki is growing aroused as well, but this time, I want things to be different. Loki’s eyes widen, as he probably already picked up on those thoughts in my mind.

I nod, lean in closer, and kiss along his collarbone. “I want to make love with you in a different way. Change into your female form for me, Loki. Let me show you how much I love you – regardless of your appearance.” It’s his soul that calls to me; his body merely presents a way to express my love. “I want to give you this, as many times as you need it.” Loki doesn’t seem convinced though and remains apprehensive about my request. 

“Are you certain you can deal with it?” 

“Deal with it? By Odin! Loki, I love –you-. Making love with you – in what way whatsoever brings me great pleasure!” Making love with Loki in his female form will be different, and I might need a little time to figure out the new rules, but I want to do this. “Do it, I want to know you in that way.” Loki’s thoughts tell me how shy he really feels about this. He feels like he’s about to expose a part of himself that should remain buried for all eternity – that it will displease me. That I will turn away from him and will stop loving him. “You fool!” I kiss him, making him work hard for drawing in his next breath. I refuse to let go of his lips until Loki faces that part of himself he’s ashamed of. 

Thor, I’m frightened.

I am not, I want to know you that way, Loki, regardless of your form, it will be you making love with me and I will not stop loving you because you are giving into your need. I find myself growing impatient, though I will never tire of kissing Loki. His lips tend to bruise easily and he always acts so beautifully shy upon realizing it’s rather obvious that I kissed him breathless. Whenever Odin looks at him then, Loki makes a run for it, acting timid all of a sudden. When Loki does that, it only makes me want him more.

Suddenly, the texture of his skin changes. It feels much softer to the touch. I’m relieved Loki’s giving in and it makes me eager to help him accept this part of our relationship. I continue to caress his skin while the transformation takes place. The black hair grows long and the dark strands try to hide the growing swell of breasts forming beneath my hands. Firm, and eager for my touch they arise against the palm of my hands. “Beautiful,” I tell Loki and whisper the word into his mind as well. 

Loki trembles beneath me and the green eyes take on an utter vulnerable and helpless expression. I understand that particular reaction – Loki doesn’t know how I will react to the change, but I do. It doesn’t matter much to me in which shape I get to worship my lover’s body, and I must admit that making love to Loki in this form also appeals to me. 

I’ll change back the moment you say it, if you don’t like me being this way then…

I don’t allow Loki to finish that thought. I claim those incredibly soft lips and hope to convey the message that I love Loki, no matter what form he occupies. It’s odd, even though the body beneath me is distinctly female, I still think of Loki as male.

“Thor…” 

Loki’s voice sounds lighter, but also softer, more gentler and it makes me even more eager to make love – right now. “Truly beautiful.” My thumb brushes against a nipple, which instantly hardens beneath my touch. “I want you!” I can’t help panting hard, realizing that I want to bury myself in my lover again, that I need to claim this body as well.

“Do it!” 

Loki sounds uncertain though and I dive into his mind to find out what’s holding him back. I start to smile though, realizing he merely feels timid because we never made love in this way before. “Do not worry,” I tell Loki. “I greatly desire you.” I guide Loki’s right leg onto my shoulder, move closer, and then push inside. I close my eyes in rapture at feeling the welcoming heat and push deeper until I buried myself completely. The sensation is exquisite and it’s something I would love to experience again, if Loki lets me.

Loki’s closed eyes tell me that my lover still feels bashful and I allow it. If Loki needs time to adjust, I will give him that. “We should have done this earlier. There is no reason why we waited so long. Loki, one day, you will make me lose my mind with desire!” The green eyes open, focus on me, and Loki raises a trembling hand to touch my face. I react at once and lick the fingers presented to me. Loki’s body reacts in a way new to me. The moist heat that enfolds me tightens, and it tells me that my caress pleases my lover. 

My desire though is quickly getting the better of me and I need to find release. “I am sorry, but…” This time, it’s me who quickens the pace, thrusting inside the welcoming body in search of release. Loki places his hands on either side of my head and pulls me closer. I claim his lips, chase his tongue with mine, and our play quickly pushes me over the edge. Thrusting one last time, I tremble when my climax overwhelms me. I fail to support myself and rest my weight atop Loki’s body. Arms quickly embrace me and pull me closer still. “No, I am crushing you!” 

You’re not. It’s still me, remember?

Loki, thinking is rather impossible at the moment. By the gods, you will be the death of me! I cannot seem to get enough of you! Loki’s hands caress my back and then the long fingers slide into my hair. Having those sharp fingernails scratching my skin is a new, but welcome experience. I still worry about Loki though and roll onto my back once I regain my senses. With Loki now resting atop of me, I marvel about the soft skin and allow for my fingers to follow the voluptuous curves that Loki’s body provides me with. I squeeze the firm buttocks and wished we could make love again, but alas, Loki wore me down. 

Loki’s form trembles beneath my fingertips, and when I look into those green eyes, I see the shock in them. Loki’s mind mirrors shock as well, and when I attempt to read his thoughts, I realize he’s hiding from me. “Tell me,” I implore him. 

“Would you mind if I stayed like this for now?” 

Loki sounds incredibly insecure and my heart goes out to him. “You can stay like this for as long as you like. I love seeing you in this form too.” I hope he believes me for it’s the truth. The large eyes close momentarily, but then open again. Their long lashes fascinate me. “I agree with Fandral – you look utterly ravishing in this form. If you stay like this, I might find it increasingly difficult not to ravish you!” Actually, making love again sounds perfect to me, if only I could! Loki’s straddling my lower body and radiates lust and heat. I doubt he’s aware of it though. Giving up on resisting temptation, I cup those two perfectly firm breasts in my hands, teasing the nipples back into hardness. Loki’s nervousness continues to grow though and it vexes me that I don’t know why. 

“Are you sure you don’t mind?” 

“I am sure,” I shift position until I can claim Loki’s lips. Kissing him, I wonder why he’s hiding his thoughts from me. I assumed he would feel more confident once he realized that I love him still –even in his female form. But something happened just now and I hate being clueless. I will find out though –somehow.

~~~

“Are you not accompanying me?” Normally Loki is at my side when we attend the weekly council, consisting of our parents, Sif, Fandral, and Heimdall. Loki however doesn’t appear like he wants to come along this time. Still in his female form, Loki sits on the window sill and stares outside. The sense of longing in his eyes tells me something is wrong. “You do not have to confine yourself. If you want to fly, change into a bird.” I can tell he’s itching to do so and I wonder why he doesn’t. I’m grateful that he covered himself up, as his female body equals seduction in his purest form. I can barely refrain from touching him.

Loki turns his head and looks at me which his incredibly green eyes. His lips, still bruised from kissing, call out to me, and I can only stop myself by recalling that my father expects me to join them any moment now. I had hoped that our lovemaking would set Loki’s mind at ease, but it didn’t. Loki appears even more depressed now. 

“I don’t need to go flying,” Loki says, but his expression tells a different story. “Must I accompany you? Can’t you attend the meeting without me?” 

The meeting must wait as I need to find out what’s wrong with Loki first. I sit down next to him, gather his hands in-between mine, and chuckle at seeing the perfectly manicured fingernails.

“What amuses you?” 

Loki sounds light-hearted, but he can’t fool me. My reaction actually worries him! “No matter what you do, you do it to perfection.” I press a kiss onto the back of his hand. “Green does suit you.” The green dress, lined with silver and fur hugs the curved body, highlighting it in all the right places. “Fandral might end up suffering from a heart attack if you show up like that.”

“I don’t find him attractive,” Loki states – much too sharply.

“I know that, and even if he were to kiss the ground you walked on, I would not feel threatened. Your heart belongs to me; I know that.” Loki sighs and I can tell he’s about to give in. “We should leave now. We are already running late.” I rise from the window sill, make my way over to the doorway, and wait for Loki to join me. 

Using his magic, Loki conjures up leather boots and a cloak made from the finest fur; it hugs his shoulders and shields most of his body from view. The golden headdress he wore that evening reappears, completing the outfit. I wiggle an eyebrow at him. “You will impress them – do not worry about your appearance.” Loki however raises his right arm and Gungnir moves toward his master. Loki curls his fingers around the metal shaft. If he needs Gungnir at his side to feel in control, so be it. 

I raise my arm and incline my head, hoping Loki will take the hint to finally join me. When he does, I can’t resist temptation and curl my fingers around his hand, bringing it to my lips so I can kiss it. “You look stunning.” Fandral will be drooling all over Loki and I might tease him about it, but all in good jest.

Loki still appears apprehensive though as he draws in a deep breath. His long fingers tremble against mine and make me realize that this is more difficult for him that he wants me to know. I feel proud of Loki when he follows me out of our rooms and into the corridor. The Guards’ reaction upon seeing Loki in his female form is quite interesting. Suddenly they stand straighter and are even quicker to close one door and open the next. You are already making quite an impression. Before this day is over, I will be fighting off your suitors! Loki gives me a quick, but sharp, look and I chuckle to assure him that I am merely joking. I don’t doubt though that he will have gained a large number of followers before the sun sets.

```

I tighten my hold on Loki’s hand, for I am under the impression that he would rather make a run for it instead of attending our weekly council. I don’t understand the problem though; if he feels so uneasy about being in his female form, why doesn’t he change back? He is not bound to stay in this form.

The Guards open the doors and I actually sense their eyes following Loki’s form and it’s not, like Loki fears, because they detest seeing him like this, but because they feel attracted to him. Loki does look tempting and I understand their reaction. Loki shoots me an annoyed look, which tells me he picked up on my thoughts. He’s shielding his mind, but reading mine? I actually think that is a good thing; it would really worry me if he no longer wanted to be inside my mind.

“Loki! I never dared hope you would grace our council in such a lovely form!” It’s Fandral of course, and he marches toward us, bowing toward Loki and chuckling delightedly. “I am not worthy to look upon you, but my eyes disagree and I cannot seem to avert my gaze.”

Loki rolls his eyes and I sense he’s about to throw a sneering comment at Fandral, so I tug at his hand. Once Loki looks at me, I whisper into his mind, Let him. He means no harm and he is not making fun of you. Believe it or not, if it was not for me, Fandral would gladly court you. Loki snorts at hearing that, but keeps quiet and doesn’t lash out at Fandral. 

Next, Sif walks up to us. I haven’t figured out her emotions where Loki is concerned. One moment she seems to barely tolerate him, and the next, she appears to be jealous. But there are also those moments during which she acts protectively toward Loki. I will never pretend to understand a woman’s mind.

“Loki, how interesting you would join us in that form,” she remarks, but I sense no malice in her. She’s merely surprised that Loki would show up in this manner. Loki ignores her too – thankfully.

“Remarkable!” Heimdall, who stood in the back, now approaches and his golden eyes glide over Loki’s form. I sense no attraction in that gaze but I do notice some admiration in their golden depths. “The things you managed to hide from me throughout time are remarkable. I never knew you were capable of this.” Heimdall probably wonders why Loki’s willing to reveal this part of him, and I must admit, I wonder about the same thing.

“Loki?” Our mother stares at Loki in obvious surprise, but then she chuckles and opens her arms. “You are quite extra-ordinary. I never suspected…” She doesn’t need to finish that sentence as everyone feels the same way. Then she releases Loki from her embrace and turns to make eye-contact with her husband. “Odin, did you know about this?”

Odin’s face glows with something akin to pride. I can’t label the exact emotion, but it’s a positive sensation. This development actually pleases my father. 

“I have always known that Loki is a shape shifter. It is his primary gift. It is the very source of his magic. It never occurred to me though that you would desire to take on this particular form, but it does suit you, my daughter.” Next to me, Loki stamps his foot – rather loudly, and if looks could kill, Odin would be in trouble. “I meant no disrespect,” Odin adds quickly. 

The damage has already been done though. What is wrong? I ask, while trying to soothe his mind. Is it because he called you his daughter? Loki however remains quiet – both verbally and telepathically, leaving me to wonder about that particular reaction. Hoping to appease him, I wrap my arms around Loki and pull him close against me. Everyone here accepts you as you are! And then the truth comes to me. But you cannot, why? I can tell that Loki wants to move away from me and to step out of the embrace, but to his credit, he doesn’t, and stays right where he is. 

“I would not mind having a daughter,” Frigga says, trying to salvage the situation. “Loki, you are perfect the way you are.”

“Even if you were a frog,” I whisper into Loki’s ear, hoping to do away with the building tension. Much to my relief, Loki chuckles and relaxes.

“I’m not changing myself into a frog,” he tells me.

“Maybe we can change Volstagg into one?” I suggest, relieved Loki is less tense and feels comfortable joking.

“He would turn into a very fat frog, I’m afraid,” Loki replies and this time the smile on his face is genuine.

I twirl a lock of his long hair around my finger and decide I like that look on him. It would still suite him if he went back to his male form. Loki gives me an inquisitive look at receiving that thought and nods, accepting the compliment I just paid him. But then again, Loki looks good all days. Now Loki chuckles again, runs his manicured fingers through his hair, and casts me a shy, but challenging look. Behave, I tell my lover. That is what the bedroom is for. Not in here! Loki thankfully understands and locks away that certain look – much to my relief. I doubt the others would have appreciated me making love to Loki right in front of them!

```

Later that night, I lie down next to Loki and pull him into my arms. He maintained his female shape during the day and I’m becoming accustomed to seeing him like this. You are in an odd mood, I whisper into his mind, which he keeps open, but he still doesn’t allow me to read his thoughts. When I do get a glimpse, I get a sense of Loki being extremely worried and even angry with himself. I don’t need bother to instigate any lovemaking as I know he won’t react to it. 

“I’m worried,” Loki admits after a long moment of silence. His hair tickles against my chest and his fingernails absentmindedly move against my skin. “I did something stupid – again.” 

“What did you do?” I haven’t let him out of sight all day, so he can’t have done anything wrong, which means Loki merely assumes he did something wrong -- but that observation is flawed.

“I might have made the biggest mistake of my life. How could I have been so stupid? Why didn’t I realize what was happening?”

Loki’s talking in riddles and it tells me that he won’t confide in me yet. He isn’t ready to share what’s on his mind, and sadly enough, that means I can’t help. “I doubt it is as bad as you make it out to be. Nothing out of the ordinary happened today – nothing you should worry about.” Loki arches an eyebrow and allows me to read his mind.

You think this isn’t out of the ordinary? 

Eagerly, I embrace the chance for our minds to connect again. If you are referring to your changed form – aye, it is extraordinary, but hardly anything to worry about. A mental sigh drifts into my mind; apparently Loki remains unconvinced. I love you, Loki, regardless of the form you take. 

You won’t love me anymore when you know what I did.

Loki, will you tell me what worries you? I am sure it is nothing you need to fret about.

Loki however breaks off our telepathic exchange and also averts his gaze, effectively blocking me from deepening our contact. When he does open his mind again – rather unexpectedly- he sounds confused and nervous.

You’ll find out soon. There’s nothing I can do about it. No, that’s not true, I can stop it, but if I do, you’ll be furious. No matter what I do, it’s a no win situation for me.

Loki worries me more than I want him to know. If you cannot discuss the matter with me, for whatever reason, will you talk to someone else? I would rather have you confided in me, but I know you well enough to know that will not happen. Is there anyone you would entrust your worries to? I pray there is someone, for I don’t want Loki to drive himself mad for no apparent reason.

Maybe I can talk to Odin.

His choice surprises me. Odin and Loki never were close, although I must admit that father has been trying hard to bridge the distance that separated them in the past. Maybe father succeeded in winning Loki’s trust – he always had Loki’s love to begin with. Then talk to him, please and do not stall. I know what you are like when you think you are in trouble. I remember the way you tried to hide when we were little. I would always find you though. To some degree, father intimated Loki back then. I didn’t realize it at the time and I regret making Loki always feeling second best. Odin, Frigga, and I didn’t do it on purpose, but it still happened.

You’re not to blame, Loki says as he lifts an arm. His fingers slide into my hair and settle there. I am…

No, Loki, you are not! There have been days when he let go of the self-hatred, but sometimes the nasty feeling still rears its ugly head. “You are not to blame,” I repeat aloud. “You were a child, Odin and Frigga the adults and our father made a fair share of mistakes where you are concerned – unfortunately.” 

Loki quickly averts his gaze, but I place the palm of my hand against his cheek and force him to make eye-contact again. Loki’s eyes always showed his feelings in the past; his needs – mostly the need to feel loved, but now, in his female form, they speak even louder of that need. I always felt protective of Loki, and because I am currently holding a female in my arms, my protective feelings towards him double. “I will always love you, Loki. And we will overcome whatever problems we face – as long as you will let me.” 

Loki closes his eyes and a single tear flows down his cheek. I catch it and watch it sit on my fingertip. “I do not want you to cry—not even a single tear.” I kiss Loki’s eyelids one by one, and when he opens them again, I realize that the balance has been restored. He isn’t ready yet to confide his fears to me, but he won’t shut me out either. I can only hope that Odin will set his mind at ease. Hopefully father can convince Loki that he can entrust himself to me, I do hope so.

///

I would rather not do this, but Thor’s right; I need to talk to someone. I would have preferred to talk to Fay, but as she isn’t around I must settle for Odin instead. We’re alone. Frigga, realizing my need for privacy, left shortly after my arrival. She insisted I’d hug her first though, and as I have never been able to deny my mother anything, I did. After that hug, she seemed appeased and left. 

There’s only one drawback to my mother’s retreat; I’m alone with Odin now. The way he looks at me tells me he’s on to me. I can’t help feeling intimidated; much has to do with the subject I need to discuss with him. I’m sure I’ll lose the little trust and respect I gained since my return to Asgard. 

“Loki, I shall be honest with you. When I reach out to you I sense that you are afraid of me. You feel afraid and ashamed. I want to tell you that you do not need to feel like that. I am your father, and although I have not always been the best father, I still love you. I want you to know that nothing you will tell me will leave this room. I will not betray your trust – neither shall I judge or punish you.” 

Hearing that should set me at ease, but it doesn’t. I know Odin’s opinion will change the moment he finds out about what I did. Even when I had betrayed Odin and Thor I hadn’t felt this apprehensive. I can only hope I still have a family and a place to call home after this.

“Loki, you are shaking yourself to pieces.” Odin moves his chair closer to mine, reaches for my hands, and gathers them between his. “Calm down. I will not cast you out, I will not banish you, but I must confess to being curious. What do you think you did is so horrible that you fear my wrath?”

I draw in a deep breath, realizing I can’t run away from this. I either face my fears or deal with my problem by eliminating it, but I can’t do that. Thor would never forgive me.

“Why do you not start at the beginning? What happened that caused you to feel distressed?” 

Odin sounds and looks worried and I regret worrying him, but the truth is that I don’t know how to handle this myself. “I made a huge mistake.” I can’t make myself address him as my father, for I doubt he’ll still want me as his child after I have finished.

“Loki, when I took you from that temple and named you my son, I meant for it to last -- forever. You are my son and nothing will ever change that.” 

I remove my hands from his hold, pull my knees up to my chest, and wrap my arms around my legs. My behavior always changes when I’m in my female form and I hate being this way, but I know I can’t change things. “My first mistake was to give in when Thor told me it was fine for me to take on my female form around him. I should have told him no, but I wanted it too. I wanted him to acknowledge that part of me.” 

Odin nods and whispers, “Go on, Loki. So far I have not heard anything that worries me.” 

I laugh, quite embittered I’m afraid. “I said that’s when it started.” Odin surprises me again when he moves his chair closer still. He rests a hand on top of mine in an effort to reestablish the physical contact. It’s odd, he never reached out to me in that way before. He always hugged Thor, took Thor’s hand in his, but he always seemed hesitant about comforting me. I tell myself to endure the touch and if possible draw some reassurance from it. Maybe he won’t cast me out after all.

“Loki, are you going to make me draw sentence after sentence from you? I understand that you feel apprehensive about confiding in me, but I cannot help you if I do not know what troubles you. I promise to help, my son. Regardless of your problem.” 

I must tell him – I know that. I owe him the truth. I owe Thor the truth as well, but I’m too much of a coward to tell him. I close my eyes and can’t stop a blush from forming on my face. “Thor and I made love.” Odin chuckles and hearing that makes me open my eyes again. 

“I would have been surprised if you had not!” Odin says and squeezes my fingers. “I do not think of that as a problem.”

“We made love while I was in this form.” I bite onto my lip until it starts to bleed. I force myself to refrain from nibbling on it when I taste blood, but that leaves my frustration no way out. Odin frowns – by the gods, do I really have to spell it out to him?

“That was probably a remarkable experience for both of you,” Odin says, obviously wondering why it would be a problem. “As long as you both enjoyed it though…” 

It feels odd to discuss this with Odin, but since there is no one else, I have to continue and must admit my shame. “You don’t understand. When I’m like this, I’m female – fully female.” Odin blinks, shakes his head, and still doesn’t understand. Damn, do I really have to say the words? “Don’t you understand? I was careless! I forgot about…” I give Odin a hopeful look – please let him figure it out!

“I am truly sorry, Loki, but I still do not see a problem with that.” 

I close my eyes, turn my face away from him, and slip my hands into my sleeves so Odin can no longer touch me. I can’t bear feeling his support, knowing it will turn into rage within seconds. “I conceived…” Odin’s fingers curl around my arm, holding on tightly, and I cringe, suspecting it’s the last thing he wants to hear. I wonder how long it’ll take him to fully grasp the situation and call me on it. “I’m with child.” I flinch and can’t stop myself. I must look at him in order to find out how he’s dealing with the news. “I know I made a mistake – again! I didn’t want to conceive, but when it happened, it was too late. I couldn’t stop it. One should think that I learned my lesson back then, but no, I let it happen again. I’m sorry, but I don’t know what to do.” Now that I told him, the dam breaks and I can’t stop talking. “I need to know what you want me to do. As long as I stay in this form, the child will continue to grow inside me and I’ll give birth within a fortnight. If I change back to my male form, the pregnancy is terminated.” I stop talking at seeing Odin’s shocked expression and an old shame creeps up on me again. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry! I never wanted for it to happen and I’ll do whatever you tell me to do. I won’t fight you over your decision, not like back then. I’ll accept your ruling.” 

“Stop talking, Loki.” 

I flinch, press myself tighter against the comfort of my chair, and wait for Odin’s anger to descend onto me. An enraged Odin isn’t a pretty sight – I should know, I made him furious in the past – not just once, but on several occasions. It won’t be long before he’ll start yelling at me. I can’t run away though – I brought this upon myself and need to face him.

“Loki, I…” Odin actually seems lost for words, which surprises me. “Did you actually say that you are with child?”

“A son.” I return to biting my bottom lip, but the sharp taste of blood makes me stop again. “My magic tells me so.” But I doubt Odin will allow the child to come into existence. He won’t want his grandson to be conceived in that way. Or even if he does allow me to give birth, he’ll probably declare me an unfit parent and take my son away from me. It happened before. Odin closes his eye, leans back against the comfort of the chair, and distances himself from me. He no longer pretends interest or the need to touch me. That doesn’t bode well for me. “Just tell me what you want and I’ll obey.” I will do anything as long as he allows me to stay close to Thor.

Odin opens his eye again, draws in a series of deep breaths, and seems to compose himself again. “Loki,” he says and shakes his head.

I reckon that says it all – he won’t allow me to keep my son. 

“No!” says Odin sharply. “You are wrong!” 

I already suspected that he monitored my mind and now I’m sure he does. I nod and say, “I know it was a mistake. I can undo it though!”

“No, I do not want you to ‘undo’ anything!” Odin shifts forward on his chair and rests his hands on my shoulders. His fingers involuntarily grow entangled with my long hair and I try to move away from him, but my space is limited, stuck in the chair as I am.

“Loki, do not dare end your pregnancy! I am not angry with you, and neither will Thor be mad with you. Do you not understand the amazing gift that you carry inside you? My grandson – your son… I…” Odin grows quiet, as he seems lost for words.

Did I understand correctly? Does Odin want me to have the child? Of course, he’ll allow me to give birth and then he’ll take my son away from me, like he took Sleipnir away from me. 

“Oh, Loki, I should never have done that, but I never realized how much Sleipnir meant to you.” Odin sighs and appears to grow old and weary in seconds. “I should never have asked you to change yourself into a mare to trick that stallion. And when I realized what had happened, I acted selfishly – claiming the foal as my own. It never occurred to me that you might feel strongly about Sleipnir. Once you returned to your normal form I thought… I did not think at all! Loki, I made a huge mistake back then. I mistreated you and for that I want to apologize.”

All I can do is stare at Odin in shock. What’s he babbling about? 

“Loki, promise me that you will keep the child. That you will take good care of yourself and your unborn son. I want you to give birth to him, and no, I will not interfere. He is your son – and Thor’s. You are his parents and will care for him. You will raise him, and Loki, I pray you will not make the mistakes I made. Be a better parent than I was back then.”

I find it hard to believe Odin. There must be a trick – there always is. “Why would you allow for that to happen? What are your intentions for him?” 

Odin shakes his head and the lines on his brow grow even deeper. “I will not meddle. No plans, Loki, I did not take you with me that day because I had a use for you. I took you from that temple, because when you looked at me, I felt love for you. I still do! And it pains me to know that you do not believe me when I say that I love you, Loki, you are my child. My son, my daughter, it makes no difference to me. I love –you-.”

Odin moves closer to me and pulls me into an embrace. I never expected for him to do that and tense in his arms. Odin however remains quiet and that gives me a chance to compose myself. Cautiously, I reach out to him with a tendril of my mind, but I don’t expect him to let me in. When he does open his mind for me, I feel stunned. He never did that before. His thoughts speak of his love for me and of his sorrow for past mistakes. He’s sincere – he really wants to make amends.

“Sleipnir is yours,” Odin suddenly whispers. “I should have returned him to you a long time ago.” 

I don’t know what to say to that. “It’s been such a long time, we never shared a bond.” Odin prevented that from happening when he claimed the foal and took it away from me. I vividly remember giving birth to him and licking him clean before I changed back to my normal form. I was hurting all over, but Odin was only interested in the foal. I didn’t let it show, but my heart bled when he took Sleipnir away from, hardly awarding me even a single look. 

“I am sorry, my son,” Odin whispers and hugs me tighter. “Thor is not the one only who needs to learn humility. I was arrogant as well and in my arrogance I hurt you.” 

I don’t know how to react to Odin now that he’s opening up to me. I can’t deal with it, not now that I have my own share of problems. Odin seems to notice and composes himself. He collects himself, and once he’s in control of his emotions, he looks at me. He has a determined expression on his face, which makes me wonder what will come next. He said he wouldn’t interfere and that he would allow me to keep my son, but can I trust him?

“Loki, you need to tell Thor what is happening. You need to tell him that you carry his son. He will not lash out at you, he will not cast you out. Instead, he will react the same way I did – with joy. Do you not know how much Thor wants to have children? You would make him happy – incredibly happy.”

“I’m not sure,” I mumble, “Considering it’s –me- who is having his child…” 

“Loki, Thor loves you with all his heart. He would rather die himself than see you hurt. The fact that you are having his child will make him love you even more. Loki, Thor loves only you, wants only you.”

“So you think I should tell him?” When I came here, I didn’t think Odin would say that. I was convinced he would order me to terminate the pregnancy at once –that he wouldn’t want his grandson to be part Frost Giant. Odin nods and offers me a gentle smile. “And you believe he won’t turn me away? That he can deal with this?”

“Deal with it? Thor’s greatest wish is to be a father. He will love you even more for giving him that!” Odin looks at me in disbelief. “Loki, you are giving him the greatest gift possible.” 

I’m still not convinced though. “Maybe I shouldn’t keep the child.” 

“Loki, do not doubt yourself. You will a better father than I ever was! You will love your son and you will raise him the way I should have raised you. You will shower him with love and he will never worry about not being loved. You will make sure he will never feel second best. Loki, you must allow yourself to do this!” 

“Maybe you’re right,” I whisper carefully. I want to keep the child and raise him – raise him with love surrounding him. Thor will make the best possible father – even if I fail, Thor will make sure our son will want for nothing. 

“Have some faith in yourself, Loki. You have much good in you, and your strength continues to amaze me. I will not take this child away from you. You can allow yourself to love him.” 

I do want to keep my son. “But I can’t change my form during the pregnancy, if I do, the pregnancy will be terminated.” I hate admitting it, but I might need help during the next two weeks. By the gods, I’m grateful that my pregnancy is shorter than that of humans. Nine months would be too much to bear! 

“We will keep you safe, I promise,” Odin says. “Can I tell your mother that you are with child? I will make sure she keeps quiet about it. I cannot possibly keep this to myself.”

I don’t like it, but I can hardly forbid him to confine in my mother. “If you must.” 

“Thank you.” Odin’s smile turns radiant when he looks at me again. “You have my blessing, Loki. Please keep my grandson safe.” 

“I’ll try.” Although I want to keep the child, I’m not sure it’ll work. I’ll have to be extremely careful – no shape shifting for two weeks. I won’t be able to cast any spells, because it’ll damage the life growing inside me. In order for my son to grow, he’ll need all the energy I can give him. I’ll practically be helpless and I don’t like the fact that I’ll have to rely on others should a Dwarf, Storm Giant, or another enemy come after me.

```

I stall on my way back to the quarters which I share with Thor. My conversation with Odin left me shaken, as he didn’t react the way I thought he would. He wants me to have the child and to keep him. Keep him… I would have kept Sleipnir if Odin had let me. I never intended to mate with Svaðilfari, but it was the only way to distract the stallion. Odin’s orders had been precise; to keep the fortifications from being completed. The builder needed Svaðilfari to help him, and the only thing I could think of was distracting the stallion by turning myself into a mare. Which worked—but it worked too well. 

Even after all this time I don’t know why I agreed to mating. Maybe it was the mare’s instinct that drove me to do it. It taught me to never assume a form for too long, which is also the reason why I became hesitant to change my form in the past. I needed Fay to remind me that there’s also beauty in the ability to shape shift.

“Loki?” 

The voice, sudden and coming from too close, pulls me from my thoughts. I can no longer afford to lose myself in that way; I must be careful – for my son’s sake. 

“Loki? You do not look well,” Sif cocks her head and eyes me closely. “Did something happen?” 

“Nothing, I’m merely tired.” It’s a stupid excuse but the only one I can come up with.

“Thor must be wearing you down,” Fandral quips in a bemused voice. “Which means my chances of ever wooing you are practically non-existent!” 

I sense the jest in his words and manage a smile. “I told you before that I’m not attracted to you.” 

“More is the pity!” Fandral is all smiles though and takes it in stride. “Where are you headed? Maybe you will allow us to escort you? That way I can enjoy your presence a little longer.” 

I roll my eyes. Fandral –is- amusing and I don’t mind him teasing me. “I’m heading back to my rooms,” I tell him before actually realizing I’m confiding in him. I must be careful – I’m beginning to like Fandral and that implies I want to trust him. I can’t trust anyone though except Thor. Sif coughs in order to draw my attention. 

“Does Thor know that he has competition?” she says and inclines her head in Fandral’s direction.

It’s hard to say why she said that – out of amusement? Jealousy? Or something else? “Thor has no competition and he knows it.” To my surprise, Sif falls into step with me when I resume my way home. I’m not surprised to see Fandral escort me, but why’s Sif still here?

“Do you like being female?” Sif suddenly asks. “Or do you prefer being male? I do not understand why you would settle for a female’s body when you could be male. Male warriors are more respected, even revered while we females are barely noticed.” 

Sif feels insecure? That realization causes me to halt in my tracks. I never thought she would feel lacking. “Both forms feel natural to me. Although I lived as a male for most of my life, I don’t feel predominantly male, I’m both. That concept might be hard to understand, but to me, as a shape shifter, it feels right.” 

Sif nods, but seems preoccupied. “I often wondered what my life would have been like had I been born into a male body.” 

I can’t believe I’m going to do this, but I say it anyway, “You are a force to reckon with, Sif, and I would rather have you at my side than having to fight against you.” At hearing that, a smile forms on Sif’s face.

“Thank you,” she whispers and my instincts tell me she’s sincere. 

A silence descends onto us and it gives me time to think – too fully accept what’s happening with me. I’m with child. I really made a mess this time! I wrap my arms around my waist as if to shield the new life from my gloomy thoughts. 

“Loki? I meant what I said earlier. You look tired.” 

Fandral’s worried, which makes me like him even more, but I can’t admit the truth. First, I need to know if Thor can and will accept this. I’m about to reassure Fandral that I’m fine when a spell of foul magic drills itself a way into my mind. Unable to breathe, unable to move, I freeze, and gasp at the enormous power behind that spell. 

“Loki? What is amiss?” 

Fandral sounds worried and he should be. I can counteract this spell, but if I do, it’ll kill the fragile new life inside me. Casting a counter spell will drain me of my energy and I won’t have enough power left to maintain the pregnancy. I react the only way I can – I reach out with my mind and latch onto the person closest to me. I would have preferred to contact Thor, but I need to keep the use of my power to a minimum. Unfortunately, it’s Sif’s mind I encounter and I’m not sure I should proceed. Sif gives me a sharp look, frowns, and takes a step away from me. I don’t have a choice. If I want to keep my child, I need her help.

Spell, I’m under some sort of spell, can’t move, need help! Using only a minimal amount of my magic I try to find out what kind of spell it is and what its origin is. Demon-made… A demon cast a spell on me and it renders me immobile. But that’s not all. Another spell is added and I hear the shadowy words in my mind. Sif, tell Thor, it’s a demon!

The pull grows stronger and I can’t fight it. I’m helpless, which scares me – not for my own sake, but because of the child I carry. Can’t resist. Looking at my hand I’m not surprised to see it become transparent. The spell is meant to transport me to some place unknown to me. It’s driving me mad, knowing I could easily counteract it, but because of the child, I can’t. 

“Fandral, get Thor! Tell him a demon cast a spell on Loki! Do it!” 

Fandral looks conflicted as he doesn’t want to leave me. There’s nothing he can do though. The spell’s growing stronger and my body is fading. I don’t know where it’ll take me and I shudder at the thought that I’m helpless – that I can’t defend my unborn son. 

“No!” Sif’s outcry takes me aback and suddenly her body impacts with mine. She throws herself at me, wraps her arms around my shoulders, and holds on. 

No, you must let go or the spell will take you too! I try to warn her, but she refuses to let go. Her gaze fastens on me and I see the determination in her eyes. Let go! Don’t do this!

“I took an oath to protect my King, and by Odin, I will, even it means my death!” 

She sounds determined, and I know Sif well enough to know that I can’t change her mind. There’s nothing I can do to begin with – my hands are tied. While my body vanishes, Sif’s pulled along as well, and a moment later, we’re on our way, traveling the astral plane. I don’t know who is behind this. It’s a demon, but I don’t know his name. Prepare for the worst though.

I can take it –no matter what they hand out! I will die fulfilling my oath if necessary.

You shouldn’t have done that – not for me. For Thor, yes, but not for me.

You are my King too, Loki, or Queen as it stands and I will not desert you!

She’s brave, I’ll give her that – I merely hope she won’t have to pay for it with her life.

```

The moment our surroundings appear I realize we’re in trouble. The spell transported us to Muspelheim, home of the Fire Demons, and to one in particular; Surtr. Thor and I had dealings with him in the past and we never parted on good terms. This is bad –really bad. Because where Surtr is, Skagg is close as well, and Storm Giants seldom forget being pummeled. Thor threw him out of Asgard. Maybe now Skagg is after revenge? And since they can’t get to Thor, they went after me? 

“Loki, are we where I think we are?” Sif doesn’t sound happy at all. 

“Muspelheim,” I confirm. “Home of Surtr. Skagg probably lurks close as well. We’re in trouble.” Our surroundings stabilize and I realize we’re in the main hall of Surtr’s keep, which consists of rock, but foremost of fire. The flames surrounding us aren’t benign though- they’re as menacing as their master and there’s no way I can control them. They answer to one master only. 

Acting on instinct, I pull Sif close to me. She frowns at me, but allows it. “Sif, you must escape if you can. Surtr will kill you the moment he feels you’re ballast. Maybe I can create some sort of diversion for you to flee.” Sif cocks her head and eyes me sharply – so sharply that I’m starting to wonder if she’s on to me. But no, she can’t know I’m with child and I won’t tell her. If Surtr finds out about my condition he’ll use it against me. 

“Why are you allowing for this to happen? Why are you not defending yourself? You defeated Surtr before; the Fire Demon is no match for you!” 

“Don’t ask me that!” I look about, knowing Surtr must be close. He enjoys playing mind games and I can’t let anything slip—he’s listening, I know that. Sif however doesn’t seem convinced, and I don’t blame her. Had our situations been reversed, I would be asking questions too. She shakes her head at me, signaling that we’re not done. Sif however, is the least of my worries.

“Loki, finally, after all this time, I will get a certain measure of revenge. It was careless of you to lower your defenses. I waited for so long and almost gave up hope, and then -- mind wide open, defenses down and… Capturing you was easy!”

Surtr sounds pleased with himself and I can’t blame him. I’m the trophy he wanted for many years. I turn around and steel myself against the foul stench of sulfur that surrounds the Fire Demon. Surtr isn’t bound to his form – he doesn’t have to appear as solid fire, he can also take on the guise of an Asgardian, but today, he consists of blazing red fire. Facing him, I clear my mind of any thoughts that might give me away. 

“Now that you have me, you can let Sif go. She’s of no use to you. It’s me you want.” I doubt he’ll let her go, but I must try. I don’t want Sif to die because of me. Surtr’s booming laughter echoes through the hall and makes the flames rise higher. Apparently my request amuses him; like I had feared. 

“She chose to come along. If she had listened to you, she would still be safe and far away from here. But she will never obey you, as she does not trust you. No one trusts the Trickster. Sif knows better than to believe you or listen to you, but unfortunately for her, that thinking brought her here and I have no intention of letting her go. I doubt she will try to fetch help, but I cannot rule it out as she has this unfortunate sense of duty. And even though she hates you, you are still her King or Queen. Pray tell me, Lord of treachery, what made you choose this particular form and why stay in it?” 

“That’s none of your business.” It’s probably unwise to challenge Surtr and anger him, but the whole situation is getting to me and I fear for my son’s life. I don’t know what I’ll do should he force me to use my power to do his bidding. I lock that particular thought away – I’m postponing the inevitable, but I need time to get used to the thought that no matter what I’ll do, it’ll end in death; either Sif’s, the child’s or mine. 

“You –will- learn manners, Loki, and you –will- do as I say when I am through with you!” 

I pissed Surtr off, but sweet talking won’t get me anywhere. Surtr is after revenge and no matter what I’ll do, that won’t change. I ignore the look Sif gives me; I tried to get her out, but to no avail. Now she has to endure her fate. I told her not to come along, but she didn’t listen. It’s her fault she’s here.

“Skagg!” Surtr calls out, and a moment later, the Storm Giant appears. A menacing smile deforms his bulky face and he’s definitely looking forward to carrying out the Fire Demon’s orders. “Take them down below – to our deepest dungeon. You need not worry about Loki – my spell binds his powers, but be careful around Sif.” 

“They will not move against us,” a new voice says, one that makes it even clearer to me that there is no escape. “I will keep an eye on them both.” Skurge appears from the shadows and his expression tells me he’s bent on revenge as well. I made too many enemies in the past!

Skagg pushes me forward and I try to hold onto my dignity – and balance. Suddenly Sif moves closer, wraps her arm around me in order to steady me, and glares at the Storm Giant. “Do not touch him!” she hisses at Skagg.

“Don’t,” I whisper into her ear. “You don’t want to anger him.” I hope Skagg won’t pay her any notice as he’s busy ogling me. 

“I still have a bone to pick with you,” Skagg sneers. “If it had not been for you killing Ivaldi Thor would never have beaten me.”

And since they can’t get to Thor, they’ll take it out on me. Skagg seems to have forgotten about Sif’s sneer, for which I’m grateful. I might need her at my side, and for one moment, I’m relieved she’s here with me – that I’m not alone. 

Skagg gives us another push and nudges us down a long flight of stairs. Skurge is thankfully nowhere in sight. He’s called the Executioner for a reason and wouldn’t hesitate to kill Sif or me. At the end of the staircase there’s a long corridor, and while we walk in darkness, Sif moves closer still, tightening her hold on me. I can’t help peeking at her thoughts and find she feels intimidated too. Well, she has good reason to feel like that!

“In there, and move it!” Skagg opens a door and eyes us impatiently.

“Don’t give him a reason to hit you,” I whisper to Sif, who nods her head at hearing it. I step into the dungeon, which will be our prison. It’s cold and dark in here and I shiver. I’m careful though not to wish for any heat, because once Surtr’s fire appears it will burn us. Skagg throws the door shut behind us and darkness surrounds us. I probably shouldn’t do this, but I need to know where I am. If this prison holds any danger I need to be aware of it for my son’s sake. A small flame leaps from my finger and settles in the center of the room. It provides poor illumination, but at least I can see my surroundings now. Our prison is made of stone – there are metal bars in front of the small window that sits at several feet above us. I wouldn’t try to escape that way though—feeling the magic that surrounds it. Once you touch those bars, Surtr’s fire will consume you. 

“I prefer my rooms at home,” Sif mumbles as she scans our prison as well. 

“So do I.” I’m tired and need to get off my feet. A human pregnancy lasts nine months, and during that time, a woman’s body has ample time to adapt to the changes. Everything happens slowly and comfortably. It’s different for me. I only have two weeks – and then I’ll deliver the baby. Normally, Asgardian females rest during those two weeks in order to make sure the pregnancy goes well as the risk of miscarriage is high. Therefore I pull the flame back into my mind, careful not to waste any energy. I lean against the cold, damp wall and then allow myself to slide down against it until I’m sitting down. Normally the cold, moist environment wouldn’t affect me, but everything is different now that my body is working hard on maintaining the pregnancy and protecting my son. 

“Loki, are you injured?” 

Sif squats next to me and eyes me questioningly. I’m tempted to confide in her, but I know I can’t. If Surtr’s listening in he’ll find out, and there’s no way of knowing what he’ll do then. As long as my secret remains safe, my son’s also safe. “I’m tired.” I need to feed her some excuse, even though I can tell she doesn’t believe me. Her fingers curl around mine and her eyes widen at feeling how cold I am. 

“You feel cold and you are shaking. Are you sure it is mere fatigue?” 

“Don’t ask me that, Sif. For both our sakes, let it rest.” Her expression however tells me that she knows something ails me. She doesn’t continue her questioning though, thankfully.

“We need to escape,” Sif says in a firm voice. “We must find our way back home.”

“Sif, Surtr will never allow it. He waited ages for a chance to avenge himself and he’ll not throw that opportunity away. The next time I’ll ask him to let you go I can maybe strike some bargain with him.” I know I’m lost – that it’s too late for me. Surtr will kill me – slowly and painfully. But maybe I can find a way to help Sif.

“I am not leaving your side,” Sif says and shakes her head. “Something tells me that you need me, and even if you did not, I would stay. I swore an oath!”

“I release you from it. That oath is void and no longer binds you to me. Sif, I’m serious – I don’t want you to die because of your misplaced sense of duty. I don’t deserve your loyalty – don’t you understand that? You should return to Thor’s side and serve him, if that’s what you want. Not me.” 

“What you are saying is nonsense, Loki. You cannot release me from that oath as I do not wish to be set free.” 

I tried – by Odin, I tried. “Sif, you’ll die if you stay.” Suddenly Sif’s hands rest on either side of my head, making sure I’m listening. Normally, I would shake her off, but the expression in her eyes tells me I had better not do that. Whatever she’s about to say is important to her.

“Loki, I know we had our differences in the past, but I am not blind. Neither do I cling to the past. I –know- that you have changed. I –know- that Thor loves you and that you love him back. I accept that, and because of that, I choose to serve Thor and –you-. The oath I took would be worthless if you were a dishonorable King, but you are not. Loki, stop pushing me away and accept that I am your friend and let me do my job. Let me protect you -- because that is my task in life and I do so freely. Do you understand?” I nod, feeling rather stunned. “And do you accept that too?” 

I nod again, what else can I do? I don’t want to need her, but I do – I will greatly need her once my pregnancy starts to show. The little strength I’ll have left at that time, I’ll use to create an illusion whenever we’re around our enemies, but I won’t be able to sustain it all the time. Sif –will- find out why I’m fatigued and then I’ll need her – need her to fight for my son.

///

I storm into my father’s rooms and know I should get my emotions under control again, but I can’t. Ever since Fandral told me about the abduction, I have been on edge. The first thing I wanted to do was to go after Loki and Sif, but then I realized that I don’t know where to look for them. Loki said it was a demon’s spell and that is the only clue I have, hardly enough to go off in a wild search for my lover. “Father, why summon me here? I should be on my way tracking down Loki!”

“Sit, Thor. Sit down.” 

I halt in my tracks and my eyes widen at seeing the concerned look on my father’s face. Deep lines of worry sit edged onto his brow and they tell me that my father worries about Loki as well. He didn’t summon me in order to spite me.

“Thor, we will help you in any way we can, but you need to listen to your father first,” Fandral says.

Fandral, Volstagg, and Hogun give me trusting looks and I recall that Sif vanished as well. In spite of their worries for Sif, they are composed and setting an example I should follow. 

“My son, sit down!” 

I give into my father’s request, though I would rather bring down Asgard in search of Loki. Suddenly my father’s hand settles on my shoulder and the calm he radiates helps me to calm my mind in turn. I look at him and realize he’s more than just worried – he looks like he’s about to panic. I have never known Odin to panic. My mother looks equally petrified and realizing they worry too, helps me regain full control of my senses. I’m not alone in this fight – they will support me. “Father, why waste time?”

“Two reasons,” Odin says calmly, though his voice trembles. “Heimdall has not arrived yet and without him telling us what has happened, you will not know where to look for Loki. And secondly because we need to talk before you leave. There is something you need to know.” 

I understand why he wants Heimdall to join us – the guardian hears and sees everything – well, almost everything – and might help me find Loki. But what is father babbling about? What do I need to know before I can leave? 

“Thor, have you tried reaching Loki yet?” 

Odin’s question makes me reconsider running off in search of Loki. He’s right; I should try to contact my lover first. Loki can tell me what happened – if he’s conscious! “Not yet, but I can do so now.” Odin nods and pats my hand. I close my eyes, blend out everyone close to me, and search for Loki. It takes me a while to find him, and when I do, Loki’s mind is tightly sealed. 

Loki, can you hear me? If you can, answer! Please let me know you are alive! I’m not sure he will answer; he might need to keep himself hidden and then he will ignore my plea. When no reply is forthcoming, I try once more. Loki, I have no idea where to find you. Help me! I will come for you, but I need to know where you are! Suddenly my thoughts connect with Loki’s and I breathe a deep sigh of relief. “He is alive,” I tell my friends and family. 

Thor, I can’t do this – shouldn’t do this. You’ll come after me and then he’ll capture you too.

Loki’s reluctant to talk to me, but I have got my ways to make him confide in me. I promise to be careful, Loki, I can only fight the enemy if I know who has taken you!

It’s Surtr, but he has allies, Skagg and Skurge. I strongly urge you to be careful if you do decide to come for me. They’re waiting for a chance to avenge themselves and I’m the bait. I’ll probably be dead before you get here.

I dislike the fact that Loki seems to have given up. Loki, you must fight! You cannot give up!

I’ll try, but it might be a lost cause.

Unexpectedly Odin whispers into my ear, “Thor, ask Loki about his secret. Tell him that you need to know what we discussed.”

Loki’s secret? But he has so many of them! I can’t give up though. Not after telling my lover to persevere. Loki, our father is here with me. He wants you to tell me about the secret you have been keeping from me. He wants you to tell me what you two discussed. Loki, is this about your odd behavior lately? Loki doesn’t reply, which worries me. Loki, are you still here with me?

I am, Thor, I can’t tell you. Not under these circumstances. Loki’s mind grows dim for a moment, but then his thoughts return. Sif is well. You need to find a way to free her. I’ll try to convince Surtr to let her go, but he doesn’t seem inclined to do that. 

I am happy to hear that Sif is well, but we were discussing you, Loki, and this secret you are keeping. Why will you not tell me? Father believes it is important that I learn what it is.

As I said, I won’t tell you. It wouldn’t be fair to you. Forget about the secret, it isn’t important. Thor, Surtr will play games – be prepared, should you come after me.

What do you mean when you say – should? Loki, I –will- come after you! I will leave tonight. And our friends will accompany me – Fandral, Volstagg and Hogun. We are ready to free you – and Sif, I add belatedly. 

Thor, Skagg’s yelling and approaching. I need to end this conversation. They can’t find out we can communicate in this way.

Loki, whatever happens, do not give up, do you hear me? Fight! I love you, and I am not prepared to lose you. Loki however breaks off the connection, causing me grow irritated. I need to get to Muspelheim as quickly as I can! Surtr is bad-tempered on his best days and Loki is right – the Fire Demon will hurt him. Looking at my father, I want to rise from my chair. “I am leaving!” Odin however merely shakes his head and I freeze in the chair. 

“Did Loki tell you?” Is all my father asks.

I shake my head. “No, he did not. He said telling me would not be fair.” Odin sighs and seems to shrink into himself. I wonder what this is about. My father isn’t merely worried – something else is going on. “You know about his secret. Loki told you; the two of you discussed the matter.” 

Odin nods tiredly. “Aye, we did and I vowed not to tell you, but I cannot keep my word under these circumstances. Not merely do you deserve to know the truth; you –need- to know it before going to Muspelheim.” 

“Tell me then, for I will not stay for much longer. Loki needs me and I am wasting precious time talking to you!” I love my father dearly, but if he doesn’t start talking soon, I’ll get up and march out of this room. 

Odin swallows nervously, reaches for my hand, and pats it. “Loki confided in me that he is with child – your child. Your son.” 

I blink and the absurdity of the situation makes me want to burst out in laughter, but judging by Odin’s expression, that would be the wrong thing to do. “That is impossible!” Loki can’t possibly be pregnant – can he? I frown, recalling Loki telling me that he is both – male and female – a shape shifter and… 

“It is true,” my father says, gently squeezing my hand. “When Loki assumes his female form, he is female in every sense of the word. When the two of you made love, it did not stay without consequences.” 

Fandral produces an odd sound, something between coughing and gasping, and when I look at him, I see my own confusion mirrored on his face. 

“Allfather,” Fandral starts in disbelief. “Are you telling us that Loki is actually pregnant?” 

Odin nods. “I understand that it is hard to believe, but it is the truth. I never fully understood the range of his powers until recently.” Odin shifts his attention away from Fandral and back to me. “Thor, this abduction could not have come at a worse time. Now that Loki is pregnant, his ways to defend himself are limited. He cannot change his form, because if he does, it will harm the child. He cannot cast any spells because his body needs that energy – the child needs to grow. I am afraid Loki is rather helpless. I failed him again, I promised him protection and I failed him, utterly failed him.” 

Although I hear Odin’s words and understand what he’s telling me, I’m still busy trying to grasp the concept of Loki actually being pregnant. It makes sense though – the way he looked at me after we made love that night. He knew – he knew the moment it had happened he had conceived and he didn’t tell me. Why didn’t he? “Father, why did Loki keep this from me?”

“Can you not guess why?” Odin says. “You know what Loki is like. You know the way he thinks. His fears still shapes him, no matter how hard you try to heal his scars, Loki still does not believe he is actually worthy of your love, his position at court.”

Aye, I understand what my father is trying to tell me. “Loki did not think I would welcome the child.” Realizing that actually hurts. I thought he knew I loved him and that I would adore any child he would give me. 

Odin nods. “Loki feared that you would not accept the pregnancy—and that I would interfere.” 

Frowning, I look at my father. “You?” 

“I interfered before. I hurt Loki in the past. You do not know what happened back then as I kept it from you and Loki did not want you to know.” 

I know he isn’t doing it on purpose, but Odin is driving me insane the way he keeps hinting at things.

“Do not tell us that Loki has been pregnant before,” Fandral says. “I have known him all my life. I would have noticed!”

Fandral’s words echo my thoughts. Can something like that have happened without me knowing about it? Even when Loki wasn’t my lover, he was my brother and we were close!

“One day, a builder came to Asgard, promising to fortify our city. I had seen his work and knew his walls would protect us, so I accepted. In turn, he asked for Freya’s hand in marriage. To complicate matters for him, I told him he had to finish within a set time period. He accepted and started working. That was when he brought in his stallion. It did most of the work for him and the fortifications proceeded as planned. Freya however did not want to marry the builder and I called upon Loki to prevent the builder from completing his work. Loki changed into a mare, distracted the stallion and… Well, they mated.” 

I stare at my father in utter disbelief. I remember the incident, but not that Loki had been involved. We had just reached our majority and yes, Loki sometimes disappeared, but I never knew why.

“Sleipnir,” Fandral says unexpectedly. “You are referring to Sleipnir.”

Fandral’s mind works faster than mine and I blink at him in confusion. When my father starts to talk again, I look at him in disbelief.

“Aye, Loki, in the form of that mare, carried the foal to term and gave birth to it. Back then I was thrilled that Sleipnir was such a magnificent creature and I wanted him for myself. I must admit, to my eternal shame, that I took the foal from Loki without asking his permission. I did not realize, until recently, how much it damaged him.”

“You discussed it earlier today, when Loki came to you to talk about this new pregnancy.” Oh, I know how his mind works. “He assumed you would either tell him to terminate the pregnancy – or take the child away from him.” I raise an arm, rub my temples, and shake my head at my father’s deeds. “Like you took Sleipnir away from him.” And I never noticed anything! Loki had never let anything slip. Hadn’t tried to get close to Sleipnir, hadn’t tried to get into touch with his son. My head spins and I need some fresh air. I walk over to the window and deeply inhale the crisp air. This is an utter mess.

I cannot believe I did not know these things. I cannot believe no one ever told me. I cannot believe my father kept this from me – not out of evil intentions, but because he felt it was not important enough to tell me. I cannot believe Loki did not trust me enough to confide in me – I cannot believe he assumed I would deny him our son. My head continues to spin and I rest my forehead against the cold stone of the wall. 

How I wish Loki were here to help me make sense of everything. Acting instinctively, I reach out to him, but there is only silence – he does not answer me, which worries me. I can’t believe he would push me away – he knows when not to shut me out, so the only other possible explanation is that he can’t answer me because he is in trouble. “I am going after him. I will travel to Muspelheim and I –will- free him. I will bring him back here – Loki and our child.”

“Your son,” Odin whispers. “Loki was quite certain the child would be male.” 

“Our son.” The words taste funny on my lips – unused and new, but I will quickly get used to them. “My son!” All of a sudden, so much more is at stake – not just rescuing Loki and Sif, but my unborn son as well. 

“We will come with you,” Volstagg says. I want to protest, but he’s quick to react. “Surtr took Sif as well – we will free her.” 

I know it is not the whole truth – they would have insisted on coming along even if Sif hadn’t been abducted. It is almost like Fandral knows my thoughts, because suddenly he nods and says, “We care about Loki too, Thor. We will make sure both of them will return, nay, all three of them.” A weak smile forms on his face. “You are going to be a father, Thor!” 

Actually hearing it makes me nervous. What if I fail to save Loki? What if Surtr will end their lives before I can get to Muspelheim? I have no time to lose! “I am leaving now,” I announce.

“And I am coming with you, Thor. You will need my services.”

Turning about, I see Heimdall standing there. I had forgotten he was to join us. “I welcome your help, but how are you going to get to Muspelheim in time? Mjolnir will take me there, but that leaves you without transportation.” But even with Mjolnir flying me to Muspelheim the journey will take a week at least.

“Take Sleipnir with you,” Odin says. “He can easily carry two riders.”

“There are four of us though,” Fandral remarks.

“Geri and Freki will take you. Prepare my chariot!” Odin calls out to the Royal Guards, who are quick to carry out his will. 

It will be the five of us then against Surtr, Skagg, and Skurge. I’m confident that we will defeat them, but I worry we might be too late. “Catch up with me then!” I throw Mjolnir toward the sky and fly out of the room. I can’t wait for them to get ready to leave – I must leave now!

```

They catch up with me the next day when I need to rest. I land close to a mountain, which will provide me with cover. Surtr’s vision reaches far and I want him to remain unaware of my plans for as long as possible. Volstagg and Hogun arrive first, riding my father’s chariot. Then, Heimdall and Fandral join us as well, and when Sleipnir lands close to me, I look at the stallion in a different way. How come I never suspected a thing?

Sleipnir seems to grow aware of my attention and turns his head my way. Sleipnir’s eyes have always been green, but I never made the connection before. Loki’s offspring – taken away from him after he gave birth to the foal. While my friends gather around the campfire I built, I head toward Sleipnir instead. I never tried reaching out to him before –in order to read his thoughts – if he has any. How does an animal’s mind work at any rate? But he isn’t just a horse, considering Loki is his mother?   
Something flashes at the edge of my mind, but the sensation vanishes too quickly for me to grasp the meaning of those thoughts. However, it does confirm that Sleipnir is more intelligent than I thought and that we should be able to communicate in that way. It’s something I need to explore after freeing Loki and Sif.

“Thor, we brought food!” Volstagg calls out and offers me some meat. I take it, chew on it, and force myself to sit down close to them. It’s important that we act as a team, especially once we face our enemies. We need a plan, but since Loki is the brains of the group, I find myself in dire straits.

“We will get to them in time,” Fandral says and pats my back. “You need to have faith in Loki.” 

I sigh deeply. “I know he will fight for his life – too much is at stake. He will do anything he can to ensure his safety, but he is quite defenseless, Fandral. He cannot fight – if he does, he might damage our unborn son.”

“Then have faith in Sif,” Volstagg says. “She will keep Loki safe.” 

I can only hope she will look out for him. I look at Heimdall and wonder what he has seen. “Do you have any news on Loki? Can you see him right now? Do you know what is happening?” Heimdall’s face briefly contorts and I realize the news isn’t good. “What do you see?”

“They are alive,” Heimdall says softly. “Surtr enjoys tormenting Loki. The fact that Loki shows himself in his female form irks him. He wants Loki in a recognizable form, but Loki refuses to change back and we know why. Surtr will not remain patient – he will resort to violence.” 

Something in Heimdall’s voice tells me he’s keeping back and I call him on it. “What did Surtr do? He hurt Loki, did he not?” If he did, the fire demon will pay for it.

“Surtr lets Skagg carry out Loki’s punishment. Loki bears the pain and managed to keep his pregnancy hidden so far.” 

“I will end their lives! I will slay them – all of them!” The thought of them hurting Loki and the danger of damaging our unborn son is enough to make me go berserk with rage. If they kill Loki, then no one will be able to save them. I will kill them. By Odin, I will make them die slowly!

“Thor, Loki is coping and your unborn son has not been hurt. You must hold on to that thought. You cannot give in to madness. We need you to be rational. Loki needs you to be strong. You need to free him. You cannot let these thoughts roam free. Control yourself,” Heimdall speaks in a stern voice, but I sense his sincerity behind the words. He worries too – he cares about Loki.

“I will do anything I can in order to free him,” I vow. “No, I did not phrase that correctly. I –will- free him and take him home. No one will take our son away from us. No one, I will not allow it!”

```

We make good speed, but another day has gone to waste. A day during which Loki had to face Surtr without me. A day, during which he had to keep our unborn son safe. A day, during which I couldn’t be at his side. Beneath me, Sleipnir runs fast, effortlessly carrying Heimdall and Fandral. Every now and then, I try to probe his mind, and each time I do, I grow more convinced that Sleipnir is aware of everything that is happening. He knows what is at stake—he knows this involves Loki – and he knows Loki gave birth to him. Reading Sleipnir’s mind is like running on quicksand, and when he realizes what I am doing, he is quick to throw me out. I wonder if Odin knows about the extent of Sleipnir’s powers. 

“Thor, we need to rest soon! Feri and Greki are growing tired!” Volstagg calls out, and it is true – the wolves have been slowing down. 

I don’t want to rest though – resting means throwing away precious time. I can’t leave my friends behind though, and when I see a suitable place to rest, I give the sign. This time, Fandral builds a small fire and the thoughtful expression on his face makes me wonder what he is thinking about. Fandral must have sensed my interest as he looks up and shrugs.

“I was thinking about Loki and the way he would indulge me by creating our campfire.” 

I sit down next to my friend and draw in a deep breath. “I miss him too,” I admit. “I miss him so much it hurts.” I never thought I could feel this way about someone. When I was in love with Jane, things were different. Aye, I loved her, but it wasn’t the all-consuming love I bear Loki. Heimdall and Volstagg join us and sit down as well. I am lost in thought and don’t notice Sleipnir approaching the fire as well. The wolves always maintain their distance, but the stallion seems to seek out our company these days. Familiar thoughts brush against mine and I immediately assume them to be Loki’s, but when I reach out, I realize it isn’t him. This mind feels familiar though, and when I look at Sleipnir, I understand why. Kindred spirits – mother and son. Loki’s legacy. “You are welcome here,” I whisper at the stallion, wondering about him. Loki likes to keep secrets and I wonder if Sleipnir has any of his own. The stallion continues to look at me, acting ignorant, and pretending non-interest, but in the back of my mind he searches for any memories containing Loki. I let him, but I do keep an eye on his poking.

“Heimdall, any news on Loki?” Fandral asks the very question I’m afraid to put to Heimdall, who has been remarkably quiet. Heimdall seems reluctant to reply and my heart grows cold. 

“Loki preservers. He refuses to give in to Surtr’s demands. He knows Surtr merely uses him as bait – in order to draw you near, Thor.” 

I notice the way he avoided answering the real question. “Is he in pain?” I ask, making it very clear that I demand an answer. Heimdall doesn’t say anything, but nods. I release the breath I have been holding and close my eyes. I will make them pay for hurting him.

“And Sif? How does she fare?” Volstagg asks.

“So far Surtr has shown no interest in her,” Heimdall says. “Loki pleaded with Surtr to let her go, but the Fire Demon refuses to set her free. He has not touched her though. She remains safe.”

Fandral sighs in relief, but his brow remains furrowed. “Surtr wants you, Thor, and is using Loki to make sure you come to him on his terms.”

“Surtr is wrong when he thinks I will hand myself over in order to save Loki. I will free Loki instead and kill Surtr.” 

“Aye, that might be his game plan,” Heimdall says softly. “Do not give in though, because Surtr will never let Loki go.”

“I know that.” I simply have to take out Surtr for once and for all. “And Loki knows it too.” At hearing me speak that name, Sleipnir raises his head and looks at me. Those eyes are surprisingly intelligent, considering he is supposed to be nothing more than a horse – even though a horse with eight legs. “Sleipnir, I never knew about you. I never knew Loki gave birth to you. I assumed you were just a horse, I did not know you are Loki’s son.” The expression in Sleipnir’s eyes changes, but I can’t label the emotion in them. 

“None of us did. Not even I suspected a thing.” Heimdall inclines his head and offers Sleipnir his respect. The stallion blinks and walks away from us. He lies down next to a large tree. He keeps watching us though.

“I never fully realized it, but there is something odd about Sleipnir,” Heimdall continues. “His mind; it is like nothing I ever felt before, but no, that is a lie – it reminds me of Loki’s. I never worked it out though.”

“He is more intelligent than he wants us to know,” I add. “Whenever I probe his mind, he knows what I am doing and he either allows me in or pushes me away. I wonder about Loki’s legacy in him.” 

Heimdall nods. “An intriguing thought.” 

```

It’s close to sunrise, which means we will leave within the hour. I dislike having to pause, but we do need to rest – the animals especially. My back rests against the trunk of a tree and the cold earth beneath me serves to remind me that I am still alive, and contrary to Loki – free. Loki, are you still alive? Can you answer me? Please Loki, if you can, do! I tried reaching out to him earlier, but he didn’t answer me. I do hope he will react now, for I need to know he’s still alive. Loki? Please, if you can answer me, please do. I am not beyond begging at this point.

Stop yelling! You’re thinking much too loudly!

Words can’t describe the degree of relief I feel at hearing Loki in my mind. I am sorry, but I worry about you. At least now I know you are still alive. I need to hold on to that; Loki is alive – that is all that matters. I am on my way, Loki, and I am not alone. Our friends are here as well.

Sif’s fine.

I draw in a deep breath, realizing why he said that. Thank you for sharing that, but as Surtr has no interest in her, I do not fear for her well-being. I fear for yours though. Has he hurt you? I probably shouldn’t have asked, since there is little I can do considering the distance, but I need to know how Loki is coping – and what kind of condition he will be in when we meet.

Some cuts and bruises, nothing that will kill me.

It took him awfully long to answer though and I suspect he needed a moment to think about what he was going to say. And now tell me the truth. A telepathic sigh travels through my mind, causing my worries to increase. Loki, what did Surtr do?

It’s like I said, some cuts and bruises, a few burns, but nothing that will kill me. He might even keep me alive until you get here. I ‘m bait for sure, he said so himself. His plan is to kill us both. You need to be extremely careful when you arrive.

I will! Loki… I know we need to discuss the pregnancy, but I am scared he will run away again and break off the connection. I have to try though. Father told me that you are with child. I sense Loki’s emotions; first, it is disbelief, which changes into anger, but then burns itself out and becomes acceptance.

He promised he wouldn’t!

He did not have a choice. I asked you to confide in me and instead you deflected my question, bringing up Sif instead. Loki, why did you feel you cannot entrust yourself to me? Do you not know how much I love you? How much I will love our child? Our son? Loki, I never thought I would be a father one day and you giving me a child is the greatest gift ever. 

You would accept this? Our son? Are you sure you want that?

Of course I am sure! Loki, your son – no, our son – is already precious to me. Please, do whatever you can to make sure the two of you are safe. It will take me four, maybe five days to get to Muspelheim, but I am on my way and I need you to be strong.

I hoped you would accept this, but wasn’t sure. You always seemed apprehensive about my female form, and when I realized that I had conceived, I panicked. I didn’t think you would want your child to be conceived that way.

You are utterly mad, Loki, maybe that is why I love you so much. Loki, I want you and I want our son in our lives. Fight for him, fight for us, promise me, Loki. Promise me that no matter what Surtr does to you, that you will fight.

I would never do anything to harm our son, but Thor, you must understand; I can’t defend myself and Surtr has been making demands. I can’t give in to them, because if I do, I either need to change my form or cast a spell and when I do that…

I have faith in you, Loki. You will find a way to stay safe. I waver; should I tell Loki that I know about his relationship with Sleipnir? Or would that be crossing a line? After all, Loki never told me himself. 

Thor, what’s on your mind? Why are you hiding your thoughts all of a sudden? I’ll do anything I can to keep our son safe, no matter what kind of demands Surtr will make – I didn’t mean it like that!

Loki, no.. You reached the wrong conclusion. As I said, I have complete trust in you, I do not doubt you! It is something our father said…

What did Odin say?

Loki sounds alarmed and I dislike the fact that I made him feel like that. He told me about Sleipnir. 

Ah, that, it slipped my mind. I know I should have told you, but I felt embarrassed that something like that had happened to me. I never intended to mate, and even less to end up pregnant. How angry are you about that?

Angry? Loki, I am not angry with you! The self-doubt is still there, and I suspect, so is the self-hatred. I know I can’t disperse it completely, but maybe I can help him accept what happened. I am not angry with you, Loki, I repeat, once his mind drifts further away from mine. I am angry with our father though! He told me that he took Sleipnir away from you without your consent. I am afraid arrogance is a trait which runs in the family and you were at the receiving end much too often! 

Odin did what he thought was right.

That is not what you really believe. Shall I say the words for you? Odin hurt you by taking Sleipnir away. The way he acted in his arrogance scarred you for life, and when you realized you were pregnant with my child, those fears returned. That is why you were afraid to tell me. That is why you ran to our father – hoping against all odds that he would allow you to keep this son – which he did. He must have stunned you.

Thor, I can’t discuss this now, I can’t!

Loki sounds broken, and all I want to do is wrap him up in my arms, but I can’t. Sleipnir has your eyes, I never noticed it before and his mind feels akin to yours.

Don’t, Thor! Don’t go there! Leave Sleipnir out of it.

I sense his pain and comply as it was never my intention to hurt him. Loki, the others are waking up and we are getting ready to leave. Please be alive when I get there.

I will try.

Loki’s mind drifts away from mine and I grow cold at the loss. How I wish Loki were in my arms, right where he belongs!

///

“I do not understand you,” Sif remarks as she rips off a piece of cloth from her cloak in order to wipe away the blood from my face. “You possess the power to stop him. Thor and you defeated Surtr in the past –easily, I might add. Why do you refuse to defend yourself now?” 

She has been asking me that for the last two days – ever since Surtr started pestering me. Surtr simply enjoys seeing Skagg beat me up. He likes it when my skin bursts open and my blood starts to flow. Surtr is careful though – he tells Skagg to stop whenever I threaten to lose consciousness. He wants to make sure I stay alive so he can continue to play games with me.

“Loki, I asked you a question, damn it!” 

Jane taught her how to swear and Sif only does it when she feels she lost control. It makes me like Sif a little more – she isn’t perfect either. “And I told you to stop asking! I can’t give you an answer.” I need to focus my energy and can’t let her distract me. I need to make sure my unborn son has a fair chance. I must ensure his survival. 

“Has Thor contacted you? Has he reached out to you? Does he know where we are?”

While Sif wets the cloth with water and dabs at the wound marring my brow, I try to lock her out – to no avail though. 

“Loki, talk to me!”

And suddenly I know what she’s doing – why she’s getting on my nerves. “Don’t worry – I’m still sane and trying to work on an escape plan.” Hopefully that will reassure her.

“I am sorry,” she says, softer this time. “But you are not yourself. You are acting strangely. You are not the Loki I have come to know.” 

I draw in a deep breath after redirecting the last bit of energy which I can spare. I raise my head and look at her. I owe her some sort of explanation, I reckon. “The female form I’m in affects me. My behavior changes accordingly. That’s why I try not to maintain one particular form for too long.” 

Sif frowns, sits down next to me, and wipes my hair away from my face. “But if that is the case, why stay like this?” 

“I don’t have a choice, let’s leave it at that.” In a few days, she’ll realize why I can’t change back into my male form. My pregnancy will start to show in three to four days. My skin stings where Surtr burned me. He has been walking a thin line – keeping me conscious, but at the same time inflicting as much damage as he can. I’m not worried he’ll kill me though – he enjoys toying too much with me and I won’t put it past him to display his power over me once Thor gets here. 

Sif looks depressed; being imprisoned must be hard on her. She’s used to living a life of freedom – that of a warrior. “Thor’s on his way,” I tell her, giving her hope. “And your friends accompany him. Fandral, Volstagg, and Hogun, they are on their way to free you. Getting here will take them four, maybe five days, but once they’re here, they’ll come for you.” Sif nods, rather absentmindedly. I know she heard me, yet she seems lost in thought. “What’s on your mind?” I probably shouldn’t be asking that – setting myself up, but it’s just the two of us and she has no one else to confide in. “You won’t die in here. That’s not your fate.”

Sif shakes her head. “That’s not it. It’s strange, and I never thought I would feel like this, but I greatly worry about you. There is something you are not telling me.” 

“I can’t, I would tell you if it were safe, but Surtr might be listening in and you know that.” Sif looks me in the eye and I have to avert my gaze. 

“Loki, you are not giving up, are you? It feels like that to me. You cannot give up!”

“I’m not,” I whisper and turn my head toward her again. “But I might need you to fight a battle for me. I’ll grow weak, and once that happens, you’ll have to pull me through.” Sif frowns as she doesn’t know how to interpret my words – not yet anyway.

“I will not let you down, I will fight for you.” 

“There was a time when you wouldn’t have said that. You would have let me rot away in here.” 

Sif actually smiles. “But that time has passed and things have changed.” She makes herself as comfortable as she can, surrounded by cold stone and the wet earth beneath us. “I used to be in love with Thor,” she says unexpectedly.

Her admission surprises me. Why bring it up now?

“Did you know that?” Sif turns her head and makes eye-contact.

“I knew, yes.” There’s no use denying the truth.

“When he fell in love with Jane Foster, I consoled myself with the fact that she was mortal. She would die one day, and maybe then, Thor would turn to me for comfort.” 

“Instead, I appeared shortly after her death and ruined your plans, didn’t I?”

Sif wavers. “In a way,” she admits. “But I quickly realized that I stood no chance against you. I saw the way Thor looked at Jane – he adored her. But when he looks at you, his expression is different. He does not merely love you – it goes deeper. I cannot describe the expression in his eyes when he looks at you, but his hand trembles when he touches you and the longing on his face…” 

Her words cause me to feel melancholy. I long for Thor as well.

“It did not make any sense until Thor revealed his love for you. When he pulled you close and kissed you – then I understood. You are two halves of one soul – separated at birth, but fate brought you back together again. You do not merely love each other – your souls are connected.” Sif nods. “And that is why I do not mind losing Thor to you. I never had him in the first place. Thor is happy – he is happy because he can finally admit his love for you.” 

“Did you ever outgrow that crush?” I don’t mean to sound cruel and I send her that sentiment. Sif allows me to touch her mind and actually smiles.

“I did, but I fell in love with Fandral instead. He does not know about it either.” 

“Fandral? Excellent choice, but why won’t you tell him? Don’t you think Fandral cares about you in turn?”

“I wanted to tell him,” Sif says, for some reason continuing to confide in me. “But then you changed into this shape and I saw the look in Fandral’s eyes. He is in love with you.” 

“Sif!” I laugh in spite of the burns and cuts on my face, which cause me pain. “Fandral isn’t in love with me! It’s a game we play!” Since Sif is confiding in me, I should return the favor. “Fandral thinks it helps me feel more at ease – more accepted as it were.” 

Sif blinks in surprise. She doesn’t appear to believe me though as she shakes her head. “But I saw the way he looks at you!”

“Which can be faked!” I sigh at her stubbornness. “Trust me on this, tell him. He’ll surprise you. What do you have to lose? He’ll always be your friend.” 

“I am not sure.”

“Tell him,” I urge her. “Tell him, Sif, if you get the chance. You never know if there will be another time to tell him. Remember, we can die and it would be a terrible waste if you took that love into the grave with you instead of sharing it with Fandral.”

“I like you, Loki. I never had a friend – a female friend, that is.” Sif actually blushes slightly. “I feel like I can tell you my secrets.”

I feel flattered; I really do. “Maybe I should have shown myself in this form in the past, maybe then we would have been friends.” But then again, maybe not.

Suddenly there’s commotion in the corridor. By Odin, I hope they won’t come for me again. I haven’t recovered yet. Sif grows quiet too and claims my hand, gently squeezing it. When the noise fades again, I sigh relieved. I’m awarded more time to recover then.

```

It’s impossible to tell night from day in here as it’s always dark in this prison. I also find it increasingly difficult to tell how much time has passed. Three, maybe four days? It might as well be five. I rest a hand on my abdomen, encountering a subtle growth. My pregnancy is starting to show. So far, everything is going according to plan, but Surtr might still ruin it. I don’t know how many more beatings I can endure. Sif’s asleep, resting against me. Her hands caught mine when she went to sleep and she has a tight hold on them –refusing to release them. She did that before, and when I asked her why she did it, she said that she wanted to be sure she would wake up should they come for me. I let her – knowing it sets her mind at ease.

Loki?

Thor’s call comes unexpected and I need a moment to fully understand he’s reaching out to me. I refrained from reaching out to him for the simple reason that I don’t want to alert Surtr. So I kept our communication to a minimum. I hear you, I’m here. I sense Thor’s relief. It must be hard on him, not knowing if I’ll be able to answer his call. We’re fine. Sif’s asleep and I’m resting. I leave out the beatings and other forms of torture that amuse Surtr. Thor doesn’t need to know about that.

And the child?

Everything’s in order. I’m starting to show though and Sif will work out what’s happening, and then…I don’t know if she can keep her thoughts to herself should Surtr probe her mind.

You cannot hide it from her?

I could, but I need her support. Thor, the child’s well, but I’m growing weaker. I’ll need Sif to pull me though. I can’t keep her in the dark.

I reckon we will arrive at Muspelheim tomorrow.

Tomorrow? How much time has passed since my abduction? I can’t really tell. It’s always dark in here.

Tomorrow, it will be a week.

One week – that means I’m halfway through the pregnancy. Damn it, I need out of this prison! 

I am on my way. I know it’s hard to be patient, but you must fight, Loki. You must!

Skagg’s voice suddenly rips through the corridor and he isn’t alone – Skurge is with him, which can only mean one thing. Surtr is bored again and sent for me. Thor, I have to stop talking now. I’ll wait for you, but please, hurry. I cut him off the moment the door opens, as I don’t want Thor to realize what’s about to happen.

“Surtr wants to see you,” Skagg says.

Which is rather redundant, as I worked that out myself! I try to free my hand from Sif’s hold, hoping she’ll stay asleep – that way she won’t draw their attention. But my hope’s in vain. She opens her eyes and glares at our jailors. 

“Not again!” she exclaims as she jumps to her feet.

I’m not that fast, but I manage to get to my feet as well and place my hands on her shoulders. “Sif, look at me! Listen to me!” It takes her a moment to draw her gaze away from Skagg, but then focuses on me. “Stay here where you’re safe. Don’t challenge them!” 

“But, Loki!”

“That’s an order,” I whisper, gathering my strength. I use a small portion of my magic to cast a minor spell to hide my pregnancy from curious eyes – including Sif’s. She’ll find out eventually, but not yet. “Stay here and behave!” Sif wants to object again, but I shake my head. “For my sake, Sif! I’ll need your support when they return me to our prison.” As I had hoped, that little manipulation works and she gives in.

Skagg pushes me into the corridor and I don’t look at Sif when I leave our prison cell. I need to concentrate – I need to maintain the illusion I created even when the pain starts.

```

“When will Thor arrive? How many warriors accompany him? What are his plans? How will he carry out his attack?” With each question the fire that surrounds Surtr grows darker.

“I don’t know the answers to your questions,” I tell him, although the words will only cause me pain.

“You –do- know the answers, Loki!” Surtr exclaims enraged. “Skurge!” 

Skurge hits as hard as Skagg does, but Skurge is more precise, choosing his target carefully. This time, he aims for my shoulder. After driving his fist into my shoulder, he twists my shoulder blade and pulls at my arm, effectively breaking the connecting bones. I don’t scream though – I don’t show any signs of pain and rein it all in. It annoys Surtr though, who tells Skurge to repeat the performance. This time, I bite down onto my lip in order to stop myself from screaming. That arm will be useless for quite some time.

“Break his fingers – slowly, one by one,” Surtr commands, relishing the fact that he has such power over me. “Make him scream!” 

I won’t scream – no matter how much pain he’ll inflict on me. I’ll never scream.

“Loki, when will Thor arrive?” Surtr asks again.

And my answer is the same as always. “I don’t know.” Snap – The sound my thumb makes when Skurge shatters the bone is rather sickening, but I lock it out.

“Who accompanies him? How many are there? Loki, I know you communicate with Thor, reaching out to him with your mind. You know the answers, so tell me!”

“I don’t know.” He won’t break me – neither Surtr, nor Skurge will. Even though he just broke my ring finger. How odd, that didn’t hurt as much as my thumb did!

“Loki, what are Thor’s plans?” 

“I’ll never tell you! Stop the charade.” And yes, now my middle finger is useless as well. I stare at Skurge, but don’t feel a thing. The pain is gone – somehow.

“How will Thor carry out his attack?” 

Oh, how Surtr loves to play these games. He already knows my answer and loves setting me up. I have no choice but to play along though. I don’t answer at all, and as a result, Skurge breaks my two remaining fingers, rendering my right arm and hand quite useless. 

“Loki, you –do- realize that you will not leave my fortress alive? I will kill you – in front of Thor. I will make him watch you die.”

“I thought you would do that. I can’t say I’m surprised.” All the energy I have left, I feed to my magic, praying the illusion won’t shatter. Once Surtr realizes my precarious condition he’ll use it against me.

“I grow tired of this,” Surtr announces and signals Skurge to end this interrogation. As a result, Skurge grabs my hair and drives me face first into the wall. I manage to lock out the pain, but know I will suffer the consequences later. “Take him back to his cell.”

I’m actually relieved to hear that, for it means our little ‘session’ has come to an end and I get a chance to recuperate. Skurge pushes me down the staircase once more, opens the door, and pushes me inside. I stumble, but Sif catches me and lowers me onto the floor. “They made a mess this time, I’m afraid,” I say, trying to appear light-hearted. 

“What did they do? Except busting open your face?” 

“Not much, Skurge took a particular interest in my right arm though, which is, as a result, rather useless, I’m afraid.” Sif examines my arm and hisses upon realizing the damage they did. “It doesn’t matter.”

“How can you say such a thing? Loki, stop absolving their punishment and blast them to hell! I know you can do that!”

I nod; she’s right. I can, but won’t. Maybe it’s time she learned the reason why. “I trust you, Sif. That’s why I’ll show you, but please, keep your mind tightly locked and your thoughts shielded. Surtr can’t find out, do you hear me?” Sif is about to question me, but when I place her hand against my abdomen and remove the illusion, her eyes widen in shock. Her fingers move across my abdomen, and when she realizes the truth, she actually stops breathing for a moment. “This is the reason why.” I don’t need to spell it out to her – she’ll understand.

“You are…” 

But Sif doesn’t speak the word – knows she can’t – knows Surtr will use that knowledge against me – will make me cooperate and maybe even betray my friends. Shielding my thoughts, I reach out to her and she lets me into her mind. I’m halfway through my pregnancy. In six or seven days I’ll give birth to Thor’s son and I can’t risk losing him, Sif. I can’t use my magic to destroy Surtr. I can’t even use my magic to take us to safety. It would damage the child. Do you understand why I must stay in this form? Why I don’t have a choice? Why we must endure and hope Thor will free us? Sif looks at me in total shock, but to her credit, manages to compose herself again. 

Loki, I never knew this was even possible!

I’m fully female, Sif, like you can I conceive and give birth. I hide my pregnancy when I’m around Surtr by casting a minor spell, but even that drains me. I can’t maintain the illusion all the time, so I decided to trust you.

I will not let you down! Sif’s reply is quick and sincere. She means it. I will do my best to keep you safe, but Loki, you cannot keep this up! Surtr will find out, or target your lower body. When he does… will the child survive?

We’ll find out when that time comes. I can’t worry about that now, Sif. Sif pulls me into her arms and I rest my head against her shoulder. 

“You need to rest, Loki. I will watch over you!”

“Wake me when they return, I don’t want to be caught unaware.”

Sif nods. “I will stay awake.”

Before closing my eyes, I wonder about the expression on Sif’s face. I’m too tired to find out though and simply close my eyes and allow myself to drift off.

```

Loki?

At first I think it’s Sif, trying to wake me up because Skurge is back, but then I realize my mistake. It’s Thor.

Loki? Please, I sense your pain. What did Surtr do to you?

Nothing out of the ordinary – I can add a broken shoulder and shattered fingers to my list of injuries, but it’s nothing that will kill me.

I will kill him! 

I never heard such intensity to Thor’s thoughts before. He isn’t simply angry, he is furious like hell. Don’t let your anger control you, Thor. Keep a clear head.

Loki, we are close. We crossed into Muspelheim some time ago and will reach Surtr’s fortress within the hour, but I do not have a plan. What do you suggest we do?

You’re actually asking me how to free us? I can’t help but chuckle, which must look odd if Sif’s still watching me. Thor, I’m locked away in a dungeon. I don’t know the layout of the fortress.

Heimdall should…

Then ask him, Thor! Sometimes I wonder why I love him – it can’t be because of his brains!

Can you walk, Loki? How badly injured are you?

I need to watch my words now—no need to further Thor’s concern or to be more exact, his anger. I’ll manage – with a little help that is.

Tell Sif to be prepared, I do not know yet how we will get you out, but if need be, I will bring down the fortress itself!

Make sure I’m no longer in the dungeon when you do that, I remind him. The debris would crush us.

Noted, I am sorry, Loki, but I miss having you at my side.

You’ll work it out. Ask Heimdall –or Fandral. They’re both experienced in coming up with tactics that work!

I must leave you now. Loki, the next time we speak, it will be in person, I promise!

Go then and do your worst. Thor chuckles into my mind and I absorb the happy sound. I need something to hold onto in this darkness. Now that Thor left, I open my eyes and look at Sif. She’s awake, but fighting fatigue. 

“Did you talk to him? You smiled earlier.”

“I did. All will be well, Sif, it won’t be long now.”

“He had better hurry. Loki, you feel cold – icy cold, have you not noticed?”

I don’t feel any different. “Maybe it’s because I’m redirecting my energy. Don’t worry about me being cold though. I can cope with that.” I count on being part Frost Giant to pull me through. 

“Thor had better hurry,” Sif says, concern coloring her voice. “You are running out of time.”

```

I had hoped to avoid another ‘session’ with Surtr, but Thor is taking longer than expected to arrive. Skurge pulls me to my feet and drags me along into the corridor. I make sure the illusion is in place so he won’t realize I’m pregnant.

“You too!” Skurge says and pulls Sif to her feet as well. “Surtr wants to see both of you!”

That doesn’t bode well at all. “Surtr doesn’t need her – she knows nothing.”

“Surtr will be the judge of that!” 

Skurge gives me a particularly nasty push and I can’t help colliding with Sif. She catches me and glares at Skurge, who merely laughs. “Don’t challenge him, Sif! Don’t.” 

“I will try not to,” she says, but I can tell her anger is close to the surface. She’s been reining in her wrath for days, and knowing Sif, it’ll come to the surface with a bang. “Loki, no matter what Surtr says, regardless of his threats, do not give in.” 

She worked it out then. “That’s probably the main reason why they’re dragging you along – Surtr wants to use you in order to get to me.” Honestly, I don’t know what I’ll do should he threaten to kill Sif. My pregnancy causes me to be more emotional than I normally am. 

Sif’s pace is firm and steadfast when we enter Surtr’s hall of fire. The flames are particularly bright and shine a fiery red. “Surtr isn’t having a good day.” This will get nasty.

“Ah, there you are!” Surtr’s form, cloaked in fire, floats toward us. “And still you remain in that weak form! Loki, I had expected you to fight harder!” 

“Weak form?” Sif snorts and I elbow her in the side. 

“Don’t,” I tell her. “Stay quiet.” I need to make sure she doesn’t anger him. I can tell Surtr is already on edge.

“Such a weak form,” Surtr says and raises his right hand. 

His fingers, also made of fire, come to rest on my injured arm and burn the skin there. I don’t react though – I won’t give him the satisfaction of making me scream. “I imagine Asgardians might call you attractive in this form. Maybe it even makes them more inclined to look upon you kindly, but I know your true nature, Loki. You cannot be trusted. Your soul is black – like mine.”

Sif wants to react, but I glare at her, and in the end, she remains quiet. “I find this conversation rather boring,” I say in order to draw his attention away from her. His fire continues to burn my skin and I can actually smell the burned flesh. 

“Then let us change the subject. Loki, I have learned that Thor is close. He is approaching my fortress and he is not alone. I need to know his plans!” 

“I don’t know what his plans are,” I say and shrug. “I really don’t, but I doubt he’ll come up with anything intelligent. He’ll probably opt for marching in here and ending your existence, but that’s just a guess, mind you.” This time, it’s Sif who elbows me in the side. She’s right to chastise me. I told her not to challenge him, and now I’m doing exactly that.

“You –will- tell me, Loki. You see, I have realized you do not care about your own well-being, but what about her?” Surtr moves his fingers away from my arm and floats toward Sif instead. “She has such pretty eyes, do you not agree? I wonder how they will look after I burned them and leaving her blind.” 

I freeze, realizing Surtr finally figured out my weak spot. I can’t let him hurt Sif, but I really don’t know what Thor’s plans are! In that case, I might have to make something up. But Surtr might realize I’m lying, damned dilemma! I watch as Surtr’s hand moves closer to Sif’s face, targeting her eyes. She trembles, but doesn’t plead for mercy. She’s like me in that aspect. “I’ll tell you. Just leave her alone.”

“Too late, my fire has grown hungry and demands satisfaction. Maybe I will burn your eyes instead. I do loath the way you always look at me, Loki, arrogantly and calculating.”

“No!” Sif calls out, but Skurge restrains her and she can’t move.

Surtr now turns toward me and his hand hovers in front of my face – it’s level with my eyes. “Why should I tell you anything, when you’re going to blind me at any rate?” 

“Very true, maybe I am not really after information, Loki. Maybe I simply enjoy seeing you in pain.”

“I figured that out a long time ago.” I glare at him. I refuse to look away and won’t cower in fear or pain before him. Let him take my eyesight – as long as he doesn’t touch my unborn son I’ll survive. Surtr moves his hand closer still and then the pain starts. He presses his fingertips into my eyes and my body twists in agony. My lips remain quiet though. My world first changes into a deep red, before all color darkens and then turns black. Pain slices through me, but I hang on, I won’t give in, I’ll fight!

“What is this?” 

Surtr sounds both surprised and pleased, and when I feel flames licking at my abdomen, I realize that the spell is no longer in effect. The shock of being burned broke my concentration and the illusion is gone.

“Do not touch him!” Sif calls out.

Suddenly chaos ensues. The hall trembles and battle cries echo through the air. I recognize Thor’s voice right away and wished I knew what was happening.

“Loki, quickly!” 

Sif suddenly grabs my arm and starts to drag me along. I will my feet to move, and although I lack the strength to run, Sif manages to pull me along. 

“We must leave this accursed place while our friends battle the enemy. I will take you to safety, Loki!”

There isn’t much I can do at any rate – I’m blind and unable to cast any spells that would aid our saviors. At the moment I’m a burden!

“Loki, look out!” 

I stumble and Sif catches me. I move as fast as I can, and a few minutes later, crisp, cooling air caresses my face. We escaped the hall then. “Where are we?” 

“Outside. There is a forest over there. The trees will shelter us while we search for a hiding place. Thor will find us – do not worry about that!” 

She’s right, but I don’t waste any energy confirming it. Instead, I let her drag me through the forest. Branches brush against my body and I try to swipe them out of the way, but since I can’t see a damn thing, I’m at a distinct disadvantage!

“There is a cave over there! We will be safe there!” 

Sif continues to drag me with her, but then comes to a halt, rather abruptly, so I bump into her. “Are we inside the cave?”

“Aye, we are.” She’s panting and now that we’re in safety, she pulls me down onto the earth next to her. “Please lean against me and rest. It will not be long before our friends will arrive.”

She sounds off and it causes me to frown. “Are you all right? You didn’t get injured, did you?” I hope she’s fine because I need her to be my eyes and if necessary, my hands. 

“I am fine, Loki, I am fine.” 

I must be mistaken, but was that really a sob? She isn’t crying, is he? I raise my good hand and search for her face. When my fingers touch her skin, I find I’m right; she –is- crying. “Why weep?”

“Loki, you are blind! You are blind because of me!”

“Nonsense, stop it!” I close my eyes and the pain lessens; so I keep them closed. “Surtr would have hurt me at any rate. He merely used you – he likes to play games, remember?”

“How can you remain this calm? If he had done that to me I would be raving mad!” 

“Sif, I lack the energy to get angry and I need to rest, that run tired me.”

“Of course,” she says quickly. “Wait, use this.” She helps me lie down and pushes something soft beneath my head. “It is just my cloak, I am sorry that I do not have any fabric to cover you with.”

“I’m fine, Sif. I just need to rest.”

“We will wait for Thor to get here and then we will go home. Everything will be fine, Loki.”

I listen to her voice because it’s a beacon in my dark world. Yes, Thor will come for me – for me and his son. I merely need to hold on a little longer.

///

As I failed to come up with a better plan, we follow my original idea and simply march into Surtr’s hall. We don’t encounter any notable resistance; the few minions that try to stop us are easily dealt with. To my right, Fandral, Volstagg, and Hogun charge forward. To my left, Heimdall, riding Sleipnir races toward Skurge. Skagg is already on the run and won’t pose a problem.

My heart misses a beat at seeing Loki stand protectively next to Sif. Surtr’s arm is extended and his fingers suddenly dive into Loki’s eyes. Loki doesn’t scream, but through our mental connection, I sense the pain that rips through him. An insane rage takes hold of me as I can only think of avenging my lover. How dare he touch Loki? How dare he hurt him? Loki locked his pain away again, probably because he doesn’t want to distract me, but I wish he would share his anguish with me. That way I feel connected to him and not like I utterly failed him!

I charge forward, cast Mjolnir into the fire demon’s direction, and it hits Surtr in the back. The fire demon crumbles and then turns around, flames radiating from his form. I will end his miserable existence for once and for all! Keeping one eye on Loki, Sif reaches for him and pulls him away from danger. Surtr now focuses on me and that enables Sif to pull Loki along so they can flee the hall. I want to reach out to Loki to assure him that his misery has come to an end, but I must deal with Surtr first. 

Mjolnir returns to me, and I run toward Surtr, ready to tear him apart. I want him to hurt like he hurt Loki, but I’m not even sure Surtr feels pain. Heimdall calls my name, and seeing him raise his sword, I realize his intensions. I drive Surtr toward the guardian, who prepares to strike the fatal blow. Surtr knows what I am doing, but has no way out, since Skagg fled and Volstagg subdued Skurge. Surtr is on his own and he knows it. “You will pay for this with your life, Fire Demon. No mercy for you this time!” I continue to corner him, and he has no way out, except facing Heimdall. Heimdall takes aim, strikes the blow, and slices through the Fire Demon, effectively ending Surtr’s existence. “No one hurts Loki!” I call out, for some insane reason needing to get that point across. Surtr died too quickly and painlessly though as far as I am concerned. I wanted him to suffer and now he died without any suffering at all! I want to hurt someone – I need to release this rage that courses through me, and it sets me off on a rampage. I swing Mjolnir at everything within reach. Walls starts to crumble, Surtr’s minions try to flee, but I catch them and easily defeat them. The way Loki looked, haunts me – his glazed over eyes – the green that had vanished – only white had remained. Curse Surtr for taking away Loki’s eyesight! I want to kill the Fire Demon again – and again – and again!

“Thor, control yourself! Thor, calm down!”

Fandral tries to restrain me, but I shake him off. The rage I am experiencing needs a way out and I can’t stop yet.

“Thor! You are King of Asgard, behave accordingly!” 

Heimdall tries his best, but I ignore him and fling Mjolnir into a wall, bringing it down and slamming the debris out of my way, using my trusted hammer. Suddenly however, another voice reaches me – and it doesn’t reach my ears – it reaches my mind.

Thor, Heimdall is right. You need to calm down. Stop bringing down the hall.

At first, I think it is Loki, but then I realize I’m wrong. It is not Loki, but the thoughts feels so awfully familiar that I spin around to find out who is addressing me. Stunned, I look at Sleipnir, who is standing right in front of me. The familiar green eyes look pleadingly at me, and when I raise an arm to touch the stallion’s head, something odd happens. Sleipnir’s form grows dim and then reshapes itself. Looking at my friends, I can tell I am not the only one left stunned. Fandral stares at Sleipnir as well and Heimdall is moving closer, curiosity gleaming in his golden eyes.

It is not the Sleipnir that I have come to know that now stands in front of me. It is a young man – his shoulder-length hair as black as coal and his eyes as green as Loki’s. His features are partly Loki’s too – my lover’s inheritance shows clearly. “I do not understand!” Where did Sleipnir go and who is this person standing in front of me?

“I am Sleipnir,” the young man says, his voice smooth and golden. “I never showed myself in this form before. This is the first time ever and probably the last time too.” 

I can’t stop staring at him- I never imagined such a thing possible. 

“Well, that little trick helped, seeing the berserker rage left Thor,” Fandral quips and circles Sleipnir. “Thor is not the only one speechless though.”

“You talk an awful lot for being speechless,” Sleipnir remarks calmly and returns Fandral’s inquisitive look. 

Fandral is right though- Sleipnir’s transformation distracted me and my rage has been subdued. Instead, I am curious. Sleipnir greatly resembles Loki, but there are dissimilarities as well – small differences though. One discrepancy that shows clearly is that Sleipnir isn’t as fond of green as Loki is, as he is dressed in whites and grays. “You are a shape shifter too.”

“Not exactly – I do not have that many choices. I can either occupy this form or the one you know me in, that of a horse.”

I should have known! Damn it, I should have known that Loki’s legacy would show somehow! 

“Thor? Care to explain this to us?” Volstagg remarks. “You seem to know what is happening.” 

“I will explain everything to you, but we need to leave this accursed place and find Loki!” Loki must be my first priority, but I am not letting Sleipnir out of sight either. “Sleipnir, stay like this, I might need you later.” It is a lame excuse, but I don’t want him to change back into his former form. 

Sleipnir hesitates, but then nods. “Just this once though.”

I feel accomplished now that I convinced Sleipnir not to change back. “We need to find Loki, and Sif, of course. Did anyone see what direction they took off in?”

Hogun points towards the forest, which is visible through the gigantic hole in the wall. “That direction.” 

I center myself; I need to locate Loki so I can take care of him and our unborn child. I try to suppress the fact that Loki is blind now – I need to take this one step at a time. How do I find Loki? Hogun already leads the way and clears some debris out of the way as he heads outside. I follow him and attempt to clear my mind. It takes time though as I feel restless and worried. Loki, where are you? I am searching for you, but you must lead the way. Tell me where you are so I can come for you. Loki doesn’t answer though and I reach out again, imploring him to reply. Loki, please do not shut me out. Tell me where I can find you. But Loki remains quiet.

“Is something wrong? Fandral asks, upon falling in step next to me.

“Loki is not answering my call. Hopefully he is merely asleep.” I refuse to think about any other reason why he isn’t answering. 

“The sun is setting and makes it impossible for me to find any tracks that will lead us to Loki,” Hogun remarks. “We might have to postpone our search until the sun rises again.”

Which isn’t acceptable. I can’t bear the thought of Loki being out there – blind and injured when I am so close to him. “That is not an option,” I tell Hogun. “I need to find him – now.” I step between the trees and feel irked, knowing Loki is somewhere close and yet out of reach./Loki, if you can hear me, answer me. I need your help to find you! The fact that he still doesn’t reply increases my fear.

“Maybe I can help?” Sleipnir soundlessly walks up to me and gives me a shy look. “I have always been able to sense him.”

I welcome his help and nod repeatedly. “If you can help, please do. We need to find him. I worry about him.” The scene in which Surtr pierced Loki’s eyes with his fingertips continues to haunt me.

“I will try.” Sleipnir takes a step away from me and closes his eyes. He cocks his head, as if he is listening to a voice only he can hear. 

Please find him! I don’t dare to think about the possibility of Sleipnir not finding Loki. He is eight days into his pregnancy, and even if we find him today, we won’t reach home in time for him to give birth there. Our son will be born on the road and those are not the circumstances I wished for. I wanted him at home instead where healers could aid him when giving birth. I look toward Sleipnir with hope and pray he will be successful. Suddenly, Sleipnir starts walking and I follow him as quickly as I can. “Do you know where he is?”

Sleipnir nods. “I found him. He is rather close and the reason why he did not answer you is that he is asleep. He is exhausted and needs to rest. That is why he sealed off his mind.”

“He is alive then!” I sigh in relief. I had assumed the worst, but should have hoped for the best. “Take us to him.”

“We are on our way.” Sleipnir moves quietly. 

He hardly makes any sound at all and he reminds me of a specter in some ways. He probably lived his life trying hard not to gain anyone’s attention, afraid they might find out the truth about him; that he –is- Loki’s son and a shape shifter because of that- even though limited in his ways. 

Sleipnir must have sensed my gaze upon him because he gives me a quick look before breaking eye-contact again. He reminds me of Loki in many ways, and again, I realize my father made his share of mistakes in the past. Sleipnir shouldn’t have been forced to lead a single-sided existence. I wonder if my father knows the truth though; maybe Sleipnir felt it was safest Odin didn’t know about it.

“He is inside that cave – still asleep, and maybe you should not wake him just yet. He needs the rest.” 

“I will do as you say,” I tell Sleipnir – I want him to feel like his opinion matters to me. Maybe I can make amends in my father’s stead. “Lead on,” I say, and beckon him to enter first. Loki might be my lover, but Sleipnir is his son and I dare say they never met in this way before. Sleipnir wavers and I understand why. This is new territory for him as well. The fact that Loki is asleep though seems to convince him and he steps into the cave. I promptly follow him, and next to me, Fandral enters as well.

The sight that greets me makes my heart ache. Loki’s on the damp earth, deeply asleep in a fetal position. I recognize Sif’s cloak, which serves as a pillow and I give her a grateful look upon seeing her hand rest protectively against Loki’s back. For one moment, I feel paralyzed, but then I press forward. I need to touch him – need to know he is alive.

“Thor, I thank the gods that you are here. Loki needs you, he will not admit it, but he is not well.” 

Sif gets to her feet so I can move closer to Loki. I sit down next to Loki and cringe at seeing the amount of damage Surtr did. Cuts, bruises, and burns mar Loki’s face and I smell burned flesh on him. The long, black hair does little to hide the large number of burns which Surtr inflicted on him. My gaze moves lower and I gasp at seeing his expanding abdomen. Until now, I hadn’t envisioned what Loki would look like, carrying our child. A fierce need to protect him overwhelms me and I reach out for him, wanting to gather his hands between mine. I halt though upon seeing how crooked his fingers are, and my anger flares back up. Surtr enjoyed inflicting pain on Loki.

“Thor, be careful, he is wounded.” Sif, who now stands next to Fandral, sounds worried, and rightly so. “Surtr broke his shoulder, arm and fingers for no particular reason, besides wanting to see him hurt.”

“I wish we could kill him again.” Maybe I will hunt down Skurge and Skagg after Loki gave birth. My need to avenge Loki is strong and one day I will give in to it.

“Do not think that loudly,” Sleipnir whispers from the entrance of the cave. “You will cause him to wake up.” 

I can’t help being worried, but I try to calm down my mind. Carefully, I gather Loki in my arms and pull him against me. “You are safe now so sleep and rest, I will watch over you.” I press a kiss onto his brow and swallow hard, fully realizing how close I came to losing him.

```

Volstagg and Hogun build a fire and then busy themselves keeping it alive. Heimdall offered to hunt and should return within the next hour. Sif and Fandral are talking softly, and if I am not mistaken, he is holding her hand. Everything appears peaceful, but it is nothing but an illusion. I am reminded of that when Loki shifts in my arms and moans pitifully. Sleipnir sits close enough to Loki to be able to see his facial expression, but still too far away for my personal taste. Loki is his mother. An odd thought, yes, but that is the way it is. I never realized loving a shape shifter would be so complicated! “He will be fine,” I tell Sleipnir, mostly because I need to hear the reassurance myself. “When he wakes, we will leave for home. He needs to be in familiar and comfortable surroundings.”

“You will not make it back in time,” Sleipnir says in that liquid voice of his. “Loki will give birth during the next few days.”

“I know that,” I acknowledge with a sigh. I shift Loki closer to me when he starts to move away. “Sleep, sleep and rest,” I whisper at him. “Do not wake just yet.”

“Thor, I do not mean to impose, but you said you would tell us about Sleipnir,” Fandral says. 

Sif’s hand still rests in his and they are sitting rather close to each other. I never noticed the attraction between them, but it is obvious now. “I did, but I do not feel comfortable telling you. Maybe Sleipnir can be swayed to entrust his history to you?” It is not my place to tell my friends what happened in the past. Sleipnir looks like he wants to leap to his feet and run out of the cave, and again, the way he reacts reminds me of Loki. My father wronged both of them. “Maybe it would do you good to tell them? You carried this secret with you for too long.” Sleipnir looks at Loki, then at me, and has a hard time making up his mind. 

Heimdall chooses that moment to return and hands the rabbits he caught to Volstagg so he can prepare them. Heimdall sits down and quietly looks at Sleipnir. “Like my friends, I would like to hear your story. We will not mock you, do not be afraid – you have our greatest respect. You saved All father’s life more than once in battle.” 

Heimdall’s words appear to set Sleipnir’s mind at ease, but it still takes time for him to start to talk. But when he does, his voice sounds remarkably steady.

“I still remember what it was like – opening my eyes for the first time and looking upon the sun – the clouds, and to feel the earth beneath me. I felt safe and protected because my mother was close to me. She licked me clean, and once I managed to stand on my feet, I felt like I could conquer the world. Something odd happened then – my mother changed – her form changed, and instead of seeing the mare who give birth to me, I looked upon someone else. But one thing had –not- changed – the love in those green eyes still warmed me.”

Fandral suddenly gasps and swallows convulsively, but I gesture for him to remain quiet though – this is Sleipnir’s tale and he should be allowed to tell it in his own pace.

“Loki looked at me with such love in his eyes that I ran towards him. He wrapped his arms around me and held me close. That was when I realized that I wanted to be like him – I wanted to assume a form similar to his, and I was about to try if I could, when Odin appeared.” Sleipnir’s tone changes and I hear the agony in his words, when he continues. “He told Loki to go home and to tell no one what had transpired. Loki did not want to leave, but could not rebel against Odin either, so he left – against his will – leaving me behind. Odin was rather pleased, realizing I would make a fine war horse and he decided I was to be his from that moment on. He took me to the stables where the stable hands looked after me. In my heart, I continued to long for Loki though. I still mourn the fact that we never had a chance to get to know each other – to explore the relationship that should have bound us. I know he tried to talk to Odin, trying to sway his mind so he was allowed to visit with me, but each time he pleaded, he was denied. The few times we met I could not reach out to him, and after time passed by I accepted my fate – much like Loki did. I never attempted to change my form again – why should I? My fate had been decided for me – I was Odin’s trusted steed, and as you pointed out, Heimdall, I always did my best to keep him safe, though a part of me hates him – hates him for denying me Loki’s affection.”

Sleipnir grows quiet, and when I look at my friends, I find that his tale is affecting them. Fandral looks sad and tears swim in his eyes. Volstagg stares at Sleipnir in shock and Sif’s hands turned into fists. Hogun seems unmoved, but I know him and he too understands Sleipnir’s loss. Heimdall’s golden eyes shimmer with an unknown emotion and Sleipnir looks away from them and unintentionally toward me. “I feel greatly sorry for your loss. If I can make amends – no matter how small, please let me know.” Sleipnir however doesn’t reply – he doesn’t even look at me. He is looking at Loki instead, and when I lower my gaze and focus on my lover, I find that Loki is awake. His eyes –entirely white now – stare blindly ahead, but his good hand twitches in mine and I know he is fighting his tears. You are allowed to cry. No one will hold that against you. Fandral looks like he is about to shed tears as well.

I can’t cry – I cried for Sleipnir a long time ago! 

I know it is not the truth – Loki is desperately fighting back his tears. “You never expected for any of this to happen – did you?” I must find a way to make him open up. No matter how hurt he is, he keeps it all inside, thinking he can’t give into his pain for fear it will diminish his worth in my eyes. “You are a fool, Loki. I will stand by your side no matter what.”

Sleipnir cautiously moves toward us and kneels next to Loki. His hand hovers over his mother’s form, but he is afraid to touch. “I never thought we would ever get the chance to talk like this.”

Loki trembles against me, and although I do not want to add to his anguish, I must. “Sleipnir, hold him.” Loki tries to grab hold of my wrist, but fails as he feels disorientated. “The two of you need to talk –and connect.” 

Thor, no! Don’t do this! You can’t do this!

I ignore Loki’s plea and move him into Sleipnir’s arms. Sleipnir looks just as terrified as Loki does, but I know I am doing the right thing. They need to do this, even if they don’t want to. 

Sleipnir gently gathers Loki in his arms and holds him like he never wants to let go again – and he won’t – at least emotionally he won’t. “I had lost hope that this day would come. I love you and I know that you did not want to leave me behind. I know that you fought Odin over me and I do not blame you for anything – mother.”

The tears that gathered in Loki’s eyes now flow down his face, but I refrain from wiping them away. It is actually a good thing that Loki is crying; it means he is finally facing and admitting his feelings for Sleipnir. Damn it, father, why did you have to separate them? I move away from them, giving them their privacy, and sit down next to Heimdall instead. I keep a close eye on Loki and Sleipnir, but they are at that stage where tears speak louder than words. Crying will help them heal.

“I did not know about this,” Heimdall admits in a shocked tone. “Odin kept this from me.”

“My father has many secrets – unfortunately! I am not concerned about the past though – no, what worries me is their future. I cannot allow this charade to continue. Sleipnir is so much more than a horse and I will not allow my father to carry on in this way.”

“Odin will not be able to do so,” Fandral says. “Not with us knowing the truth. Look at them, no one will be able to keep them apart.”

Fandral is right; Loki and Sleipnir are finally bonding; it is something that should have happened after Loki gave birth to Sleipnir. Sleipnir would have realized that he wasn’t merely a foal – that there was another side to him, which he needed to explore. The one person who could have helped him with that had been ordered to leave though. Does Odin know how cruel he acted back then and how much it scarred Loki and Sleipnir? Sleipnir presses a trembling kiss onto Loki’s brow and then looks toward me. 

“He needs you too!”

I join them and sit down behind Loki. I pull him into my arms and hold him. Now that they were able to bond, it is time for me to direct my attention to the matter at hand – Loki’s injuries and his pregnancy. “We will not make it back home in time,” I start. “You are too far along.”

“I know that, Thor, I’m not stupid!”

Hearing him actually sneer at me makes me feel good. There is still some fight left in Loki and I love him for that. On impulse, I kiss his lips. “I love you so much.” 

“Even now I’m blind?” Loki says, continuing in that sneering tone.

“We will find a way to restore your eyesight.” I am convinced there is a way. I want him to see Sleipnir – I want him to see our son once he is born. “Loki, I need your advice. What do I do?”

“Those brain cells still refuse to work then!” 

I chuckle, but make sure I don’t jostle him about. Loki might act brave, but he is still in much pain. “Indulge me, oh smart one.”

“Thor, don’t worry too much. I gave birth before and back then I was alone. This time I have you to help me through the ordeal and I’ve got Sleipnir.”

“And our friends,” I remind him. “Fandral, Volstagg, Hogun, and even Heimdall insisted on coming along to rescue you. You are hardly alone.” 

“And I am here,” Sif says, as she moves closer to Loki. “Not much of a help, but you can count on me, Loki.” 

Loki’s features soften at hearing her voice. “Sif, thank you for your support. I might not always show it, but I appreciate it.”

“You are welcome, my friend,” Sif says in a remarkably gentle voice.

Good, those two made their peace then – even though I wished the circumstances that helped them bond hadn’t been that grave. “Loki, I still do not know what to do. Can I move you? Should I? Should we find a better shelter? You cannot give birth in this cave!” It’s dirty, cold, and damp in here.

“Thor,” Loki says and raises his hand, obviously wanting to touch my face. I guide his hand closer, and when Loki caresses my skin, I momentarily close my eyes to savor the moment. “Stop worrying that much!”

“I cannot help it, I love you.” 

Loki sighs, closes his useless eyes, and says, “You might consider asking our friends to scout ahead and find out about our surroundings. Maybe there’s a settlement close by, some deserted dwelling, or a cabin where we can take refuge.” 

“Of course!” I mentally slap myself. “I am afraid you are right about my brain cells.” Loki smiles and I am grateful he is still able to smile at one of my jokes. “Would you mind scouting ahead and find out if there is a more suitable shelter close?” Except for Sleipnir, everyone gets to their feet and nods. One by one, they leave the cave, allowing Loki, Sleipnir, and me a moment of privacy. “Loki, be honest with me; in how much pain are you? I can take the answer from your mind, but I would rather not.” Loki turns his head away from me, keeps his eyes closed, and concentrates on keeping his breathing slow and controlled. He is struggling with himself, trying to decide whether to trick me or to be honest with me. “I am asking you because I love you and I want to look after you. Loki, you carry my son and I want to take care of you both.” I hope that will help him make up his mind. I can actually sense Loki’s surrender in body and mind. He sighs, his body seems to go limp, and in his mind, calm settles down.

“Honestly? Surtr did quite some damage I’m afraid. My shoulder hurts and my arm and fingers too. He burned a large part of my arm and then… My eyes, they don’t exactly hurt, but they burn.”

“Thank you for telling me.” I press a kiss onto his brow. “And how about the rest?” He’s still keeping back and he knows I know it. I won’t force him to tell me, but I hope he will do so out of his own accord.

“I feel weak, all right? No need to rub it in!” 

“That is not why I asked and you know it.” I caress his face and my fingertips gently brush against his lips. “When will you give birth?”

Loki sighs deeply. “My guess is in two days. I’m not sure, but that should come close.”

“In two days we will have found suitable shelter and we might even have come up with a plan. Loki, I know nothing about child birth. I do not know how to aid you.”

“And don’t look to Sif for help – she doesn’t know about it either!” Loki comments.

“Neither do I,” Sleipnir admits in a soft voice. “But you will pull through!”

I hear the pleading tone to his voice and hope Loki caught it too.

“Of course I will, but I’ll be quite useless for some time and I won’t be able to help, Thor – or do much in general.”

I can tell that it annoys him that he is helpless. “You do not need to do anything except to give birth to our son. Leave the rest up to me.”

Loki is quiet for some time, but then mumbles, “It’s nice to have someone at my side this time.”

“You are not alone,” I tell him as I want him to know things have changed. “You can let yourself fall; I promise to catch you.” Loki might not show it, but I sense his relief and gratitude. 

“Not being able to see is annoying,” he says out of the blue. 

I understand why he said it – he wants me to know that he doesn’t want to be a burden. I need to set him straight before these thoughts grow stronger. “You will see again. The healers will find a way, and in the meantime, I will be your eyes.” Sleipnir moves suddenly, and when I look at him, he is frowning at Loki. “What is on your mind, Sleipnir?”

“Loki, I want to try something. Will you let me?”

“Always, I trust you, my son.” 

Loki’s voice trembles when speaking those last two words. The tremors that shake his body are getting worse, and I can only hope that our friends are successful in hunting down appropriate shelter. Loki suddenly tenses in my arms, and alarmed, I tighten my hold on him. Loki opens his eyes, blinks, and then his eyes remain open.

“I can see! Well, I see myself and it’s not a pretty sight.”

Suddenly I understand what is happening. Sleipnir found a way to link his eyesight to Loki’s mind. Sleipnir changes the direction of his gaze and looks at me instead. I smile at him, and in my arms, Loki starts to smile as well. “I should have thought of it myself! And Loki, no more condescending remarks about my intelligence,” I add when I realize he is about to make another, not so flattering comment!

“Thor, do you think it’ll also work with you? I want to see Sleipnir. I want to know my son’s face.” Loki’s voice is tiny and uncertain.

“Why do we not find out?” I reach out to him and feel Sleipnir retreat at the same time. It takes us a moment to make the connection, but when Loki gasps in surprise, I know it is working. I look at Sleipnir, giving Loki all the time he needs to take in his son’s appearance; his face, eyes, mouth, everything.

Loki raises a shaky hand and Sleipnir catches it within his. “I never knew! I’m so sorry, Sleipnir, I should have tried harder!”

“Your hands were bound, Loki. I know that. I do not blame you, I love you.” Loki manages to pull his son’s hands closer to his chest and Sleipnir reacts at once, moving along. 

“You’re beautiful, Sleipnir – inside and out. I never thought I would ever get this chance. Thor, thank you for giving me this.”

I squeeze his hand gently and continue to look at Sleipnir, knowing it is what Loki wants – and needs -- and I gladly give it to him.

///

I let the big oaf carry me, as he seems intent on making me rest. I offered to walk, but Thor made it quite clear that he won’t allow it. Secretly, I’m relieved that I don’t need to walk the distance as I don’t feel up to it.

“Only one more hour and then you can rest,” Thor whispers.

Heimdall located a deserted cabin one day’s trip away from the cave and he’s leading us there now. Volstagg and Heimdall walk up front and will deal with any problems, should they arise. Sif and Fandral walk behind us and make sure no one follows us. Hogun must be somewhere, probably making sure we’re safe in his own way. Sleipnir chose to stay in his Asgardian form, for which I feel grateful. As Thor’s eyesight remains linked to my mind, I can actually see my son and watch him. “I’m fine,” I reply belatedly. Thor’s comment hardly registered with me as I’m busy studying Sleipnir’s features. 

My son. My son has returned to me after all these years. I fought Odin over him, I tried to make my father see that I loved Sleipnir and that I wanted to be able to talk to him, but Odin forbade it. He never gave me a reason why and I never asked. Back then, I would never have dared to openly rebel against Odin. 

No, you are not fine, but you are happy.

Thor’s little remark brings a smile to my face. I never thought I would ever be able to bond with Sleipnir – this is the greatest gift possible and I should thank you for accepting him in our midst. You didn’t have to do that.

How can I deny him? I like him, Loki. He is rather remarkable and I do regret my father’s past actions.

You didn’t keep Sleipnir and me apart – do not put that burden onto your shoulders. It was Odin who separated us – not you. Thor moves me closer to his chest and I rest my head against his shoulder. I don’t want to close my eyes and go to sleep, but I’m tired – so damn tired! Giving birth will utterly exhaust me. 

You are –not- a burden, Loki, and that is something –you- need to keep in mind! It is an honor to take care of you. You are my lover – my partner in every sense of the word. You have every reason to feel tired. Go to sleep. You do not need to stay awake. Give your body a chance to recuperate.

I love you. When I took a risk and accepted Thor as my lover, I knew about his gentle disposition, but I never fully realized his caring nature. I never expected his love and dedication to be so complete.

Thank you, I will look upon that as a compliment. And now stop thinking, Loki, and start sleeping.

Bully! But I could never be angry with him – he looks out for me because he loves me.

```

What are you doing? I wake up because I’m being moved about, and the pain in my shoulder, which had grown dull, flares back to full strength.

Go back to sleep if you can. We arrived at the cabin and I am removing your clothes so I can put you to bed. You will be more comfortable that way. 

And that way, you can also examine my injuries, I’m not stupid.

I would never make the mistake to call you that, but Loki, you do not need to be awake. Will you go back to sleep now? I promise to take good care of you. Our friends are keeping watch and Sleipnir sits next to your bed. All is well.

I trust you – that’s the only reason why I’ll let you go away with it.

And because you are exhausted. Loki, rest while you still can. It will not be long before our son will be born and you will need your strength then.

Thor’s right of course, which I why I stop objecting. I let him undress me and maneuver me about in that gentle way of his. Once I’m lying down, I wrap my good arm around my waist and press deeper into the comfort of the bed. I’m relieved they found a deserted house, I wouldn’t have liked to give birth in that dark cave, but even that would have been better than having my son under the plain sky. 

Stop worrying, Loki and go back to sleep.

Thor’s thoughts circle mine in a soothing motion that’s probably meant to help me fall asleep. To my shame I must admit that it’s working and Sleipnir’s presence is also making me relax. I feel blessed for having them in my life.

``` 

The next time I wake up, it’s because Thor’s moving me about again. I’m in less pain than before, and open my eyes, forgetting that I’m blind these days. 

“Loki, you should eat some soup, Volstagg made it. He claims it will help you regain your strength.”

I recognize Sleipnir’s mind touching mine and I gladly accept his offer to use his eyesight in order to see. A moment later, Thor appears in my view and he’s trying to spoon some of the soup into my mouth. “Let me do that.” He’ll create a mess if I let him. I wrap my good hand around the bowl and drink slowly. It tastes good – I must give Volstagg that. “Where are we?” 

“Heimdall found this deserted cabin yesterday. It is larger than it looks and surprisingly well-equipped. We will stay here for now. We will not head home yet. After our son is born, you will need to rest and you can do that here.”

I must admit I like that sound of that. Getting a few days of rest sounds good to me. “Where’s the rest?”

“They keep to the kitchen and living area as they do not wish for you to feel crowded. This is the upstairs bedroom and should provide us with some privacy.”

I emptied the bowl and hand it back to Thor. Concentrating on what my body is trying to tell me, I know it won’t be long until our son will be born. A few hours at maximum.

“Loki, what do I need to do so the delivery will go easier? Is there anything I can do? Anything at all?” 

Thor sounds distressed and his thoughts tells me he’s more worried than he wants me to know. “Nature has a way to do things her way, Thor. Maybe get some water, some clean cloth. I don’t think you can actually –do- anything.”

“I wish one of the healers were here. They would know what to do, how to help you.”

Thor’s fingers curl around my good hand and I blush, seeing the loving expression on my own face through Sleipnir’s eyes. It’s rather obvious how much I love Thor. Sleipnir chuckles and seems amused. I let him – glad he feels a part of our family. 

Sleipnir quickly sobers though and says, “Thor is right. We need someone who knows what to do.”

“Volstagg has five children,” Thor muses, “But he was not present at a single birth. Can you imagine that? You are about to become a father and you are not close to your wife?”

“Maybe he was scared,” I suggest. “Volstagg wouldn’t be the first male to flee such a scene.”

“I will not flee,” Thor states determinedly. “I will stay and support you any way I can. I do wish though that we had someone in our midst who knows how to aid you, I feel so helpless.” 

“I’m sure everything will be fine. Thor, worrying doesn’t help.” I don’t want to consider the possibility of something going wrong. Although I know anything can happen, I refuse envision it, for then it might become true.

“Maybe you would like my help then?”

I blink at hearing that voice, and when Sleipnir focuses his gaze on the speaker, an immense sense of relief flows through me. “Fay!” I have never been happier to see her.

“Not quite, Fay does not know much about delivering children,” Dressed in a richly embroiled red dress, she walks toward me. The flaming red hair that descends down her back curls luxuriously. “But the Great Mother does.” She sits down on the side of my bed and inquisitively looks at me. “You do like to complicate matters.”

“Loki, who is she?” Sleipnir whispers and his voice carries a hint of fear.

“She’s a friend, Sleipnir. A very good friend.” I already feel more confident now that she’s at my side. “Your timing could have been better though, you could have stopped Surtr from blinding me.”

“Maybe,” she replies, “maybe not. Maybe we can only really see what is important when we cannot use our eyes. Maybe we need to see ourselves through the eyes of others in order to truly understand.”

She always tended to be cryptic and I ignore her answer. “No matter what, I’m glad you’re here. That means at least one person knows what needs to be done!”

She shakes her head though. “You know what to do, Loki. You have been given a great gift – you are able to create life and nurture it. When we first met, you thought of yourself as evil. Look at Sleipnir though – can something as pure and innocent actually be the product of evil?”

I roll my eyes at her remark. “I merely gave birth to Sleipnir. I had no hand in how he turned out.”

“You told yourself that so many times that you believe it. Maybe time will show you how wrong you are, but that discussion must wait. Your time is drawing near, Loki. Your son is rather eager to be born.”

She’s right, for the last few minutes I felt him moving about.

“Thor, ask your friends to fetch buckets with water. Tell them to boil the water and then to let it cool. We will need it in order to wash the baby and clean up Loki. Also, tell them to gather all sorts of fabric – towels if possible.”

Thor stares at her, and I sense the relief in his mind. He is also glad she’s here.

“I will be right back,” Thor says and presses a kiss onto my brow. “Do not start without me.”

His comment actually makes me smile and helps lock out the pain, which is building in my body. It’s a familiar pain; I felt like that when I gave birth to Sleipnir. Thor hurries out of the room to do her bidding. Thankfully Sleipnir maintains the link that enables me to use his eyesight, and since he’s staring at Fay, I stare at her too. I can’t deny feeling scared; this situation differs from what I went through with Sleipnir. There’s so much more at stake here – not just bringing Thor’s son into this world, but also Asgard’s next king.

“There will be pain, Loki,” Fay says as she rests her hand on my brow. “And you must endure that pain, but I will also make you a promise; that you and your son will come to no harm. It will be a quick delivery – that is my gift to you.”

“Thank you,” I manage just before the first contraction sets in. I cling to her words and grab Sleipnir’s hand, ignoring the pain that spreads through my arm because of my broken fingers. Pain is something I can deal with, as long as I have someone at my side to pull me through.

```

Fay stays true to her word – there’s pain, as I knew there would be, but the delivery doesn’t last long and Thor lending me his strength helps me endure. When our son fills his lungs with air and cries out, I collapse back onto the bed and close my eyes. I need a moment to recover – just one moment.

“You did well,” Fay says as she cradles the baby in her arms. “You will hold your son soon. Thor, look after Loki while I check on the child and clean him up.”

Thor wraps his arms around me, gently moves me against him, and holds me close. He presses several kisses onto my brow and hair, which are covered in sweat, but he doesn’t seem to mind.

“Thank you for this gift, Loki. Thank you for having my son, I will always love him – and you.”

I don’t bother replying – I’m simply too exhausted for that. Sleipnir however seems to disagree and probes my mind, encouraging me to open my eyes again. I lack the energy to object and open my eyes just in time to see Fay place the baby at my side. He’s tiny – at least, I think so, but his eyes twinkle with pleasure and he raises his miniature hands, trying to touch my face. As far as I’m concerned, he’s perfect. I hope Thor feels the same way.

“He –is- perfect, Loki,” Thor quickly assures me. Do not worry, I would have even loved him had his skin been blue and his eyes red.

My son doesn’t seem to have inherited the traits that make me part Frost Giant though. He looks normal – which is good. I wouldn’t want him to stand out. I would love to continue to look at him, but I’m too tired. I simply need to rest, but before I can do that, I need to change my form. The transformation won’t make the pain go away—it won’t heal my injuries or give me back my eyesight, but I’ll feel more at ease in my male form.

Are you sure you want to do this? Changing your form requires energy and will leave you even more exhausted.

I’m sure, Thor, I need to change now or I might never be able to change back at all. I can’t stay that long in one shape – it’s affecting me.

Then do it. 

The transformation happens slowly, simply because I barely have any energy left, but it feels good to be in my former body again. It might be a long time before I’ll feel the need to change myself into a female again. This way I can’t become pregnant again and I would hate going through another pregnancy right now.

Do not worry about it, Loki, I love you regardless of the shape you take. I love –you-.

Good, because you’re definitely stuck with me as we have a child now.

A beautiful child, yes.. Loki, did you already think of a name?

No, should I have? Thor, I wasn’t even sure I was going to live long enough to deliver the child. Surtr didn’t intend for me to leave his fortress alive.

I am sure we will find a name that fits him. Go to sleep now, Loki. The next time you wake up, you will feel stronger.

I hope so, but I doubt it, I truly exhausted myself.

Then what are you doing still arguing with me?

Don’t get smart with me. My fatigue overwhelms me and causes me to shut up. I drift off into a deep sleep, knowing that I need to recover a minimum of my strength before I can even think about leaving my bed.

///

 

“May we enter?” 

I look up at hearing Sif’s soft voice –I lost myself gazing at my son, who is soundly asleep in my arms. “Aye, you can, but do not make any noise.” They shuffle closer, one by one, and press close to each other so they fit into the room. Sif is up front with Fandral at her side.

“We will not stay for long,” Sif says, “But we would like to see the baby and ask if Loki is doing well.”

“Loki exhausted himself and I doubt he will be on his feet anytime soon. And our son, look for yourself. He is perfect, is he not?” Feeling proud, I rise from the chair, leaving Sleipnir and Fay to watch over Loki. “He is strong and healthy!”

“He has your eyes,” Fandral remarks, only to be elbowed in his side by Volstagg.

“All babies have blue eyes. The color changes later,” Volstagg, the experienced father, tells his friend. “Your son will make a fine warrior one day, Thor, my friend.”

I accept the compliment, although I am not sure being a warrior will suit my son best. We will find out when he reaches his majority. “Would you like to hold him?” I ask Sif, upon seeing the longing look in her eyes.

She quickly shakes her head though. “I will drop him. I had better not.”

“I would like to hold him,” Fandral announces. “I happen to like babies and I have some experiencing looking after Volstagg’s offspring.”

Carefully, I place my son in Fandral’s arms. My friend’s face lights up with pleasure and my son seems to notice Fandral’s interest as his tiny hands try to reach his face.

“Adorable,” Fandral remarks. “Makes me want one of my own.”

Amused, I watch Sif grow flustered. I doubt she knew about Fandral’s wish to start a family. Well, let them sort it out – I have my own family to take care of. I reclaim my son and can’t help feeling proud – my son – my heir.

“I reckon you wish to stay here until Loki has regained some of his strength?” Heimdall inquires.

“I do. I do not want to wear him down further. He is barely coping as it is. Do not tell him though – he will not react well.”

“We will keep quiet,” Volstagg confirms, chuckling. 

“Can we do anything to help?” Hogun wants to know.

“Not that much, bute could use more of your soup, Volstagg. Loki needs to start eating when he wakes up.”

“Consider it done,” Volstagg says. “Anything else?”

“Nay, maybe you could start the journey home. There is no need for you to stay.”

“We would prefer to stay,” Heimdall says earnestly. “We would like to know you safe. “ When I want to protest, Heimdall quickly adds, “We do not doubt your ability to keep your family safe, Thor, but we would like to help.”

I know better than trying to convince them otherwise and so I accept their kind offer. “In that case, you are welcome to stay.”

“We will give you your privacy,” Sif continues. “We do not wish to impose, but we need to know that the four of you are safe.”

The four of us – they are right to include Sleipnir – I consider him part of my family as well. “Thank you.”

Sif smiles and pulls Fandral along with her. One by one, they take their leave and then silence returns to the room. I walk over to Sleipnir who watches Loki sleep. He hasn’t left Loki’s side since we arrived. “Would you like to hold your brother?” I offer. Sleipnir gives me a confused look, at which I explain, “You are Loki’s son and therefore family. I hope that you will look upon my son as your brother.”

“I would love to hold him,” Sleipnir admits. “But I did not dare ask.”

I gently lower my son into Sleipnir’s arms. The baby looks at him for a moment, coos happily, and then closes his eyes, going to sleep. “I suspect you will be often called upon to watch him. He likes you.” 

“Have you thought of a name yet?” Fay asks as she gets to her feet.

“Nay, not yet. “ I frown, realizing she is walking toward the doorway. “You are not leaving, are you? We need you!”

“You don’t need me anymore, Thor. All is well with Loki and your son. Loki needs to rest though so he can recuperate and may I make a suggestion? Maybe your father will allow Loki to use the energy chamber he uses to recuperate in when he’s in the Odinsleep. It might heal Loki’s wounds, including his eyesight.”

“Consider that done!” My father won’t deny me – he won’t dare to when I remind him of his past mistakes where Sleipnir and Loki are concerned.

Fay halts in the doorway, looks at me from over her shoulder, and says, “Where I come from, people speak an ancient language and they name their children in a special way. Maybe I might make another suggestion?”

“Of course.” I can’t promise to approve of the name she will suggest, but maybe Loki will. We will choose our son’s name together.

“When I look into your son’s soul, only one word comes to mind; he was conceived in love – it is the emotion that binds Loki and you. In my language the word love translates into Cariad. I believe it would make a fine name for your son and the future King of Asgard. It is merely a suggestion though. I wish you well, Thor and Tell Loki that I love him and that I will always keep an eye on him. Oh, and make sure he stays out of trouble. He attracts danger, you know.”

“I know,” I assure her. “And I will convey your message. I like the name, but I want it to be Loki’s choice.”

“A wise decision,” Fay whispers and then her form vibrates in the air, grows dim, and finally vanishes.

“You have extraordinary friends, Loki.” I sit down next to him, kiss his brow, and gather his good hand in mine. Looking at Sleipnir, it strikes me how much at peace he looks while holding his younger brother. No, not just at peace – happy. It seems I have gained two sons instead of just one.

```

I lower Loki back onto the bed and cover him with the blanket made from animal furs. Fandral and I spent the last hour taking care of Loki’s injuries, and seeing the amount of damage Surtr did, angers me all over again. Fandral bandaged Loki’s shoulder the best way he could. We splinted Loki’s fingers and bandaged his arm as well. Volstagg handed us a balm which he always carries with him. He said it would soothe the burns, so we applied it. The fact that Loki remained asleep the entire time shows just how drained he really is. 

“He will heal,” Fandral offers in an attempt to reassure me. “Loki is tough.”

“I know that, my friend, but seeing him in this state makes my heart ache. He did not deserve to be mistreated in that way.” Fandral rests a hand on my shoulder and I look at him. “Trust me, you do not know what you have until you face losing it.” 

“When Loki wakes up, remind me to thank him.”

I’m about to ask Fandral why when Loki starts to move about. I reach for his good hand, cradle it within mine, and open my mind to him so he can use my eyes if he wants to. Loki accepts my offer and I welcome him into my mind. His eyes open and the pure whiteness in them makes me cringe.

“Why do you need to thank me?” Loki asks, revealing he must have heard at least the last part of our conversation. He shifts slightly, trying to make himself more comfortable and then realizes one side of his body is bandaged. He arches an eyebrow inquisitively.

“I want to thank you because you told Sif to share her feelings with me. She might have never done so if you had not encouraged her.”

Loki attains a more comfortable position and reclines into the pillow. “I didn’t want her to make a mistake like that – especially since I was rather sure you returned her feelings. But, Thor, what happened?” Loki inclines his head towards his shoulder. “I can’t leave the bed anyway! You don’t need to tie me down in order to ensure that I stay put!” 

I slide closer to him and move his hair away from his face. “I wanted to attend to your wounds earlier, but you decided to give birth to our son instead, remember? Fandral offered his help once he realized you had changed back to your male form. Seeing you as a female does make him nervous.” 

“Thor, would you stop looking at me? I’m getting tired of having to look at myself the entire time!”

“I cannot help it. You –are- the object of my affection.” But for Loki’s sake, I look at Fandral instead. “Better?” Loki grumbles, but seems content. “How do you feel this morning?” 

“Like Surtr had me for dinner!”

“Which reminds me, Fandral, would you fetch something to eat for Loki?” Fandral nods at hearing my request and leaves the room. “Do not think about leaving the bed, Loki. You are not going anywhere.” Loki doesn’t seem convinced though, judging by the way he looks at me.

“Shouldn’t we be on our way home?”

“Nay, not yet. We will stay here until you are strong enough to travel. I do not want to exhaust you even more.” Loki’s growing restless and I have a good idea why. I direct my gaze to Sleipnir, who has fallen asleep in a chair in a corner of the bedroom. Our son is still in his arms, but awake, and his tingling blue eyes mischievously stare at me. He is all smiles and raises his arms, probably hoping I will collect him, which is what I promptly do. I lift him in my arms and carry him over to the bed. “Our son,” I say proudly as I place him in Loki’s good arm. “You outdid yourself, Loki.”

Loki’s fingers trace our son’s face and a deep sigh leaves his lips. “I wasn’t sure having him was the right thing to do, but now that I hold him in my arms, and –know- I can keep him, everything’s been worthwhile.”

“He is yours, or ours actually! I had a part in creating him as well.” Our son coos loudly, wraps his fingers around Loki’s thumb, and tries to suckle on it. 

“Looks like he inherited your sunny disposition,” Loki remarks thoughtfully. “Which is a good thing.”

“He inherited your good looks,” I say and press a kiss onto Loki’s hair.

“My good looks?” Loki chuckles, but thankfully I don’t hear any self-loathing in it. “I always thought you were the one with the good looks!”

“Look at Sleipnir,” I tell him, refusing to give the return of his self-doubt even the smallest chance. “He is good-looking too.” That seems to shut Loki up – good, for it means I got my point across! “Loki, our son needs a name. Did you already think of one?”

“In case you hadn’t noticed, I have been asleep!”

“More like unconscious!” I say teasingly. “Before Fay left she made a suggestion. Want to hear it?”

“I assumed she had left when I didn’t see her sit at my bed.” Loki sighs and I know he would have loved to talk to her. “What did she come up with?”

“Cariad, apparently in her own language it means love and I rather like it.”

“You want to call our son ‘Love’? Are you mad?”

“I can assure you that I am quite sane, but I still like the sound of it. Loki, our son should have a good name – a positive one. He will carry it his whole life.” 

“Well, if you like it.”

I can tell Loki likes it too; he probably just wants to make sure I am not lying and that I really approve of the name. “Shall we name him Cariad then?” Our son suddenly coos with pleasure and reaches for me with his tiny right hand. With his left, he has a tight hold on Loki’s thumb. “Our son seems to approve.”

“Well, I’m outnumbered then,” Loki says, but the smile on his face tells me that he doesn’t mind. “Cariad it is then. You can tell Odin though why his grandson ended up with a name like this!”

“I will gladly do so.” Odin changed as well and will gladly accept a foreign name as long as his grandson is well and healthy.

“I do not wish to infringe, but I bring food.” Volstagg remains standing in the doorway, obviously waiting for us to tell him it is okay to approach.

“If you bring food, you are welcome, my friend!” I watch Volstagg with amusement, as the seasoned warrior makes funny faces at the baby. Sometimes I forget he is a five time father and has much more experience raising children than me.

“I have soup for Loki and a really nice mix of milk and honey for the little one. My children are particularly fond of it and I hope your son likes it as well.” 

Loki accepts the bowl filled with soup, which Volstagg carefully hands him. “I won’t bite,” Loki sneers at seeing Volstagg’s nervous expression.

“I mean no disrespect,” Volstagg clarifies. “I am merely trying to process what happened lately. You actually gave birth!“ Volstagg turns remarkably shy and I must admit that I don’t know him like that. “I feel like I do not know you. I might have misjudged you in the past.” It is an apology and Loki must know that. I wonder how he will react.

“I made mistakes too,” Loki whispers in-between taking sips from his soup. “Let’s leave at that.”

“May I hold the child while I feed him the milk?” Volstagg asks, still in a timid voice.

“Yes, you can. You need to take him from me though as I can’t hand him to you. I’m rather limited in my movements due to that blasted shoulder.”

Not just his shoulder, but I shield that thought carefully and Loki doesn’t seem to pick up on it.

“Your son shows signs of being mischievous like you,” Volstagg says when Cariad tries to pull at his beard. Volstagg lets him, and while feeding him the milk, Cariad goes for the hair as well – pulling it tightly. 

“By the gods, I hope not!” 

The words escape Loki unwillingly and make me look at him. “Loki, Cariad is allowed to be cheeky. He is a baby!” A quick scan of Loki’s thoughts tells me what the problem is. Apparently the old self-doubt is still there. “Our son is not evil. Do not even dare to think that! And you are not evil either, and being cheeky is good as I like you that way.” Loki remains hesitant though and busies himself drinking his soup so he doesn’t have to answer me. 

“Hopefully you will allow me to watch him in the future when you need a moment alone,” Volstagg says after letting the baby burp. “He is a lovely little character.” Cariad might have understood as he claps his hands and tries to go for Volstagg’s beard again. “Not this time, little one.” 

“His name’s Cariad,” Loki whispers unexpectedly at Volstagg. “I thought you might want to know.”

“A lovely name for a lovely child,” Volstagg says and nods. He places Cariad into my arms, collects Loki’s bowl, and heads for the doorway. “I will bring more food shortly as both of you need to eat.” 

Loki wants to dismiss Volstagg’s comment, but since his injuries hamper him, he remains motionless instead. “Would you like to hold Cariad again?” I ask my lover.

Loki shifts in order to make himself more comfortable and then nods. “Would love to – if you don’t mind.”

“Never, for I intend to join you two.” Loki arches an eyebrow, but I merely chuckle. I place Cariad in the crook of his arm and then lie down myself, spooning behind him. “Like this…” Loki moves closer to me and I would have loved to drape my arm across his waist and pull him close, but his injured shoulder is facing me and I would cause him discomfort. So I settle for stroking his hair instead and gently massaging his neck. “Try to rest, Loki. Go back to sleep if you can.”

“I will, because now that you’re behind me I can’t see a damn thing, except for the back of my head!”

Loki’s comment makes me chuckle softly. “Loki, do not change, ever, you hear me?”

“I hear you and that’s the problem! How am I supposed to do as you say and go to sleep when you keep talking?” 

I press a kiss against the nape of his neck and massage Loki’s scalp. “Sleep, Loki, and dream.” This time, I don’t get a forward reply as Loki is already drifting off into a deep sleep.

```

“Maybe we should leave for home, I’ll survive the trip.”

I eye Loki closely. “You are not strong enough yet. You are too pale, you still feel cold to the touch, and when you try to shift in bed, you tremble afterwards because you are in pain. We will stay here for a few more days. Once you can move about without fainting we will leave.” 

“You’re impossible! Don’t treat me like that!”

“Like what? Like I care about your well-being? Like I love you?” I know that Loki isn’t doing it on purpose; the fact that he is still bedridden after two days annoys him, but two days simply is too little time to recover from what he has been through and I refuse to wear him down again. 

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it like that,” comes Loki’s soft reply.

“I know that and I do not hold it against you, now eat that soup.” 

Sleipnir hands Loki more of Volstagg’s soup and Loki almost drops it because his vision is off. He is using my eyes and I had been looking at Sleipnir and not at the soup. “My fault,” I say, and this time it’s me apologizing. Loki doesn’t react though. He has been mellow today – eating his soup when he’s told, not moving about too much, sleeping whenever he can. He is doing everything within his power to grow stronger, but it takes time, and time is the one thing he can’t control – hopefully.

“Why are you staring at me like that?” Loki’s eyes narrow thoughtfully.

He hasn’t been reading my mind then – good, let him be curious! “I was merely wondering.” 

“What about?” 

Ah yes, Loki’s back to his usual alertness. “Nothing in particular.”

“I don’t believe you,” Loki states and hands the empty bowl to Sleipnir.

“You may be right not to believe me,” I tell him and pointedly stare at Cariad, forcing Loki to watch along with me.

“Don’t do that! You won’t distract me! What were you wondering about?”

“Oh Loki, I am merely teasing you!” I lean in closer and kiss him on his lips. 

“That won’t work either!” Loki chides me.

“You cannot control time, can you?” I decide to have mercy on him.

“Time?” Loki frowns. “Never considered controlling time. I have no idea, I never tried.” 

I wave a finger at him in order to get my warning across. “Do not try!” I shudder at the thought of Loki messing with the passing of time. Chaos would ensue!

“Don’t worry, I don’t feel like messing up time.” 

Ah, now he –is- reading my thoughts. 

“I never heard anyone quarrel as much as you two,” Sleipnir says softly, obviously worried his observation is unwanted.

“We like it that way,” I clarify the matter in case Sleipnir worries we are really at odds. “I like to tease him and he cannot help reacting to it. Sometimes Loki starts our quarrel, it depends.”

“You make us sound like an old married couple!”

“You,” I tell Loki, “spent too much time on Earth!” I take his hand in mine and press a kiss onto its back. “And are you not supposed to rest?”

“I would be resting, if you would let me!”

Loki is smiling and I smile back at him. Looking at Sleipnir tells me that he figured it out. “We express our love that way.”

“I understand,” Sleipnir says relieved. “In that case, I do not need to worry.”

“No, you don’t, Sleipnir. All is well between Thor and me.” 

“Even better than well,” I quip. I can’t help myself.

“You must have the last word, don’t you?” Loki chuckles.

“Aye, I must.”

```

“Does this little demonstration satisfy you? Is it good enough for you?”

Loki sounds annoyed and I can’t be angry with him for it. I kept him confined to bed for five days in total, and although he is still in pain, he is also going up the walls. If I make him rest any longer, he will start to get nasty. “Loki, if you believe you are fit to travel, we will leave tomorrow.”

Loki nods, obviously pleased. “I knew you would see it my way.” He makes his way back to the bed, painstakingly slow, but with his head held high. I know he is in pain though. “Think of it this way – the sooner you get me home, the sooner I can continue my recovery.”

He has been using that argument for the last two days now, ever since he really started to get itchy about his enforced bed rest. “I know that you want your eyesight restored and your injuries healed, but I do not want you to suffer any unnecessary pain prior to that.” I help him lie down, and although Loki glares at me for offering my assistance, he accepts my support. We are alone, which I am grateful for. I need a moment in private with my lover. Cariad is in the best hands; Volstagg and Sleipnir are looking after him. “I want to talk to you.” I pull up the blanket and tuck it around Loki’s form – pointedly ignoring his dagger-like looks. “About Sleipnir.”

“What about my son?”

Someone else might not notice it, but I do. Loki calling Sleipnir his son makes it clear that he will never allow anyone to part them again – I don’t intend to. “Maybe Sleipnir can move into a room close to our quarters? That way he would be close to you.” My suggestion takes Loki by surprise, rendering him speechless. “I do not want him to go back to his former life. He deserves much better. He deserves a family.”

“Are you serious? Considering Cariad entered our lives as well? Do you really wish to take on Sleipnir as well?”

“You make it sound like Sleipnir presents a burden. He does not. He is part of our family, or do you not agree on the matter?” I know I do not play fair, but I need to get my point across.

“He’s my son, Thor,” Loki whispers. “I always wanted to be close to him.” 

“That matter is settled then.” 

“Do you think Odin will accept that? Sleipnir…”

“Sleipnir will not go back to being a mere horse! I will not allow it!” 

“But Odin looks upon Sleipnir as his possession.” 

Until this very moment I didn’t realize how deeply our father hurt Loki the day he took Sleipnir away from him. I gather Loki in my arms – carefully as to not to cause him discomfort and pull him against me. “Sleipnir is no one’s possession. He is his own master, and nay,” I smother his protest before Loki can voice it, “Odin does not have a say in this. He does not rule Asgard. He is no longer King – we are. We make our own rules.” I can only hope I got through to him – Loki can be rather stubborn when he wants to be.

I’m not stubborn! I’m realistic.

I welcome the fact that he is talking to me in my mind again. He refrained from doing so during these last few days—probably because it costs more energy than speaking aloud. He is growing stronger then. Nay, not realistic, pessimistic!

Loki turns his head towards me and smiles. You know what Sleipnir would say upon hearing us now?

I do, we are arguing again – and that is the way I like it!

///

“You might need these. I packed those clothes before we left as I assumed a spare outfit might come in handy.” 

Hogun hands me the clothes and I nod gratefully. “That was thoughtful of you.” Hogun inclines his head and actually offers me a smile, which is odd—Hogun seldom smiles. 

“With each passing day, you act more like a King. I feel honored that I may serve you.”

Hogun’s statement takes me aback – he’s the quiet type, who seldom offers anything personal. “Thank you,” I whisper eventually, as I don’t know what to say. 

Hogun leaves the room and Sleipnir makes his way over to me. Cariad is asleep in bed and curled his little fingers into the pillow. “I need help,” I admit reluctantly. I can’t possibly dress myself with my shoulder and arm hampering me.

“I will help,” Sleipnir offers. 

It takes time, but he manages to get me into my pants and shirt. At least I don’t feel that naked anymore. Sleipnir is quiet and I’m under the impression that something worries him. “Why don’t we sit down? We need to talk.” Sleipnir complies at once and shifts nervously on the side of the bed. “What’s on your mind? You’re worried.”

“I have been thinking about my future,” Sleipnir offers out of his own accord. “I wonder if we will still be able to talk to each other once we return home.”

Ah, I can actually help with that! “Thor and I discussed that yesterday, and we reached the conclusion that you’re part of our family now. We’ll ready rooms for you near to ours.”

“That implies I stay in this form, but do you think Odin will allow it?”

It’s like I hear myself talking. “Thor reminded me of the fact that Odin is no longer King, that Thor and I rule Asgard now. Thor will fight for you, and with him at our side I feel confident that Odin will give in.”

“I would like to stay close to you – and your family.”

“It’s your family too, Sleipnir. Thor has a big heart and you’re a part of this family.” I feel for him and offer him my hand, which Sleipnir takes without hesitation. The physical contact deepens our bond. “You can still change into your other form if you’d like to run like that. I like to change into a bird so I can fly, I love to fly.”

“I like to run in that way too,” Sleipnir confirms, “Maybe we can do so together in the future.”

“We will,” I promise him. 

“Loki, we are about to leave, if you are ready, that is.” Thor steps into the room and marches toward me. 

“I’m ready.”

“How do you want to do this?” Thor inquires. “You can travel in the chariot, if you want. Sif and Fandral retrieved it and Geri and Freki are eager to return home.”

“I’d rather stay close to you,” I admit, feeling a tad embarrassed about that.

“I like it best that way too,” Thor says, making me feel less self-conscious. “And will you carry Cariad?”

“I shouldn’t as I can’t hold him properly.”

“Maybe you feel comfortable if Volstagg held him during the journey? I can change into my old form and carry them,” Sleipnir suggests.

Touching his mind tells me that Sleipnir wants to do this for me – it would make him happy if I accepted his help. “I’d like that.”

“The others can ride the chariot,” Thor says. “It is decided then, shall we leave?”

“Sleipnir, would you pick up Cariad and carry him? I can’t.” Stupid shoulder! Stupid arm!

“Actually, that is a good idea!”

Suddenly Thor’s at my side and lifts me in his arms. “What do you think you’re doing? Put me down this instant!”

“Nay! If you want to fly this is the way it is going to be. I want you to be comfortable during our journey home. Can you agree to this?”

I don’t have much of choice, I reckon. “You win.” I rest my head against Thor’s shoulder and draw in a deep breath. Hopefully the others won’t think of me as a wimp for letting Thor carry me.

They know you are still healing. They saw the damage Surtr did.

Thank you for reminding me – it doesn’t make me feel better about myself though.

Do not be so hard on yourself, Loki.

That’s easier said than done though.

``` 

I wake up because Thor’s whispering into my ear – which is plainly annoying. Shut up.

“I am sorry, but I cannot. We made camp and will rest during the night. You need to wake up so you can eat and Volstagg wants to check on your burns.”

I don’t want to wake up as it means facing reality. I prefer continuing the dream I just had, but it’s no use. If Thor believes I need to eat, he won’t let me rest until I did. I open my eyes and connect with Thor’s mind so I can look through his eyes. Thor placed me onto the grass, propping my head up on his thigh and serving as a pillow. Cariad’s asleep next to me and is blissfully unaware of his father bullying me. 

“I hope that you are hungry. I brought along lots of the soup, which I made back at the cabin.” Volstagg sits down next to me and guides my hand toward the bowl with soup. Thankfully Thor remembers where I need him to look and I manage to place the bowl at my lips. 

“Tell me if it is too hot. We will let it cool down if it is.” 

Volstagg’s getting on my nerves – I prefer him taunting me to hovering over me. “What about Cariad?” 

“He already drank his share earlier – more than his share actually. He was rather hungry. It is also the reason why he is so soundly asleep right now,” Volstagg explains. He gives Cariad a fond look; it’s obvious he has taken a liking to my son. 

I manage to eat the soup, put the bowl aside onto the grass, and try to make myself more comfortable. Thor gently moves me into a sitting position.

“Lean against me. Abuse me as a pillow, I do not mind.”

I rest my back against Thor and relish his body heat. He was right earlier – I still feel cold at times. 

“May I check your injuries? Your burns in particular? I cannot do much where your broken bones are concerned, but I might be able to take away the burning sensation.”

Must I let him?

I would greatly welcome it if you did, Loki.

Looks I’m outnumbered again. I don’t like it though. Heimdall, Fandral, Sif and Hogun are sitting close and will be able to watch. I don’t mind Thor or Sleipnir seeing the burns, but I hate being put on display for the rest.

It is not like that, and Loki, except for Hogun and Heimdall, all have seen the extent of your injuries. You have no reason to hide those battle scars.

Battle scars? I know why Thor said it, but it sounds ridiculous. “I’ll allow you to torture me,” I say addressing Volstagg, who smiles at me.

“I want to take away your pain, Loki, not inflict more.”

I know that, but I can’t escape my fears and worries. Not all the time at any rate.

```

I feel better after Thor helps me back into my shirt. I must admit Volstagg’s balm takes away the stinging and I do feel more at ease. I have the feeling Thor will make sure I let Volstagg check on my burns each night until we are back at home.

You are right about that.

Must you always eavesdrop?

As a matter of fact, yes, otherwise I would not know what is going on in that head of yours. Sometimes you need a reality-check.

Now who spent too much time with humans?

Point taken. 

“Loki? Thor?”

Sleipnir stands next to us and has a thoughtful look on his face. “Sit down, my son.” I need to remind myself that it’s okay to call him that. We both need to hear it – need to confirm our relationship. Sleipnir sits down and smiles shyly. “You can call me mother if that’s what you prefer. I –am- your mother, even though I no longer look like it.”

“Thank you. I am trying to get used to the fact that I have a family now. I never had one before and it feels good, knowing that I am no longer alone.”

I raise my good arm, manage to get a hold of his hand, and bury it inside mine. Sensing what he needs for me, I simply caress his fingers and allow for the exchange of emotions that’s happening between us to take place. Sleipnir sends me his love, and as I can’t do anything less, I express my love for him as well, sending him my thoughts. Thor keeps quiet for which I’m grateful; he probably knows what’s happening and luckily doesn’t feel threatened. 

```

The next six days are all like that. We travel during the day, and although we could continue during the night, Thor insists we rest – for my sake mostly. No matter how much I protest that decision, he won’t change his mind. In the end, I give up. Thor can be thick-headed.

When the walls of Asgard appear in the distance, I grow nervous again. Thor might think everything will go well, but I’m not that sure. Odin may no longer be King, but I’ll never stop thinking of him as my superior first, and only then as my father. I shield my thoughts though, as I don’t want Thor to pick up on my fears. I don’t want him to worry.

“We will arrive within the hour,” Thor announces. “Maybe we should pause and allow for our friends to arrive first so they can inform our parents about our return?”

“Will it make a difference? I don’t think so.” If Odin decides to oppose our decisions, he will, being informed beforehand or not. Maybe it’s best to surprise him. “We’ll do it your way this time – we will march in there and…”

“Make him see things our way,” Thor finishes when I’m lost for words. “Do not worry, Loki. Everything will go well.”

I wish I had Thor’s faith, but I don’t.

```

“Are you ready to do this then?” Thor inquires as we approach the main hall – the throne room. 

It’s noon and during this time, Odin, Frigga, and the council will hold their daily meeting. That means we will crash their little party. “We don’t have a choice.” And I hate that.

You always have a choice.

Yes, but then I would be running away and I refuse to do that ever again!

Thor flies into the hall and lands in front of the assembled council, which Odin presides. Our mother is present as well, as she councils our father, if he has need for it.

“Thor! Loki!” Odin practically jumps to his feet in joy and heads our way. “I am happy that you are back! We greatly worried about the two of you!”

Thor puts me on my feet – thank you for that! – and I manage to stand without his help. Thor however keeps an arm wrapped around me – half supporting, half protecting me. I don’t need the protection, but I allow it.

“Loki! I worried about you! When you disappeared, I feared the worst!” 

Odin comes to a halt in front of me and rests the palm of his hand against my cheek, rubbing my facial skin. “What did Surtr do to you? Your eyes! You are blind…” His voice fills with sorrow, and as my eyesight is linked to Thor’s, I see the sorrow on Odin’s face.

“I can deal with it,” I assure him. “I’m using Thor’s eyes instead.” Then his gaze travels lower – to my abdomen to be exact – and the smile freezes on his face. 

“Did you lose your child?” 

At first, his question angers me. It makes me feel like a failure—like I wouldn’t have fought for my son’s life, but then a tear leaves Odin’s eye and then another one.

“Please, tell me that your son is alive, Loki. I know how much having him means to you.”

“He is alive,” Thor says, interrupting. “And will arrive within the next few minutes.”

Odin sighs deeply, closes his eye, and wipes away his tears. He raises his arm and beckons Frigga to join us. My mother moves towards me and wraps me up in an embrace.

“Loki, we were so afraid – afraid you would be killed.”

“I don’t die that easily,” I remind her and manage to make her smile.

“Is it true? Is our grandson alive?” Frigga asks and her eyes shine with love.

“Cariad is well,” Thor says, once more answering the question. “He is in the care of Volstagg.”

“Good choice, Volstagg knows about babies,” Frigga comments. She refuses to let go of me and hugs me again. “I missed you!”

“Father, I want a word with you before the others arrive,” Thor states in a clear voice, which makes me flinch. I should be the one fighting this battle, but I lack conviction – I don’t believe I can make Odin give in. Thor’s certain he can. 

Odin frowns, but then nods. “Speak your mind.”

“I want to make it very clear that Cariad is –our- son. Loki and I are his parents. We will raise him. We will love him and take care of him. We are his guardians, no one else.”

Odin blinks in surprise. “But of course! Who would dare say differently?”

Thor gives me an expectant look. Loki, this is your chance to unburden your soul. Tell him about Sleipnir.

I don’t think I can. Even after all these years, he still intimidates me. But will Thor understand? Apparently, he does, because he turns to face our father once more.

“You did, when you took Sleipnir away from Loki.”

Thor’s accusation makes me cringe and my first reaction is to assure Odin that Thor didn’t mean it like that, but I can’t speak the words, I can’t deny the truth.

“Sleipnir? Loki, I never..” Odin doesn’t finish and simply stares at me in wonder.

“You knew I wanted him close! I told you repeatedly!”

“I only did what I thought was right – what was the best of you.” Odin doesn’t sound sure of himself though. “I misjudged the situation. I know that. I told you so, remember?”

“You did,” I whisper. “Sleipnir is my son! He always will remain my child.”

“But he is a horse,” Frigga says and frowns. Then she turns to her husband and her frown deepens. “I do not understand.”

“Sleipnir is not just a horse,” Thor says when I fail to speak the words. “Sleipnir is a shape-shifter – limited to two forms, aye, but he is not just a horse!”

Thank you for coming to my aid. The situation overwhelms me and I lean heavily against Thor, who instantly tightens his hold on me. Our mother continues to look at Odin, searching for answers, which she will get any moment now as I sense Sleipnir’s approach. Please stay at my side, I need you, I implore Thor, who nods sharply.

A moment later, Sleipnir flies into the hall, lands close to us, and Volstagg, who holds Cariad, jumps from his back. Our mother’s attention immediately shifts toward her grandson. Cariad is awake and curiously taking in his surroundings, while maintaining a hold on Volstagg’s beard. 

“Is that?” Frigga moves forward, but then stops in order to look at me. “Is that your son?”

I nod. “Thor and I named him Cariad, and yes, he’s your grandson.” Frigga senses the underlying tension and seems hesitant to continue. “You can hold him,” I tell her, hoping to set her mind at ease. “Be careful though. As you can see he’s rather fond of pulling people’s hair.”

Frigga however merely chuckles, walks toward Volstagg, and welcomes Cariad into her arms. My son looks at her in surprise, decides he likes her and waves her arms at her in an attempt to move closer to his grandmother.

“He is absolutely delightful!” Frigga exclaims ecstatically. “A miniature copy of you, Thor!” 

Odin however still stares at me and then his gaze shifts toward Sleipnir. I can’t help feeling protective of my firstborn and free myself from Thor’s embrace, who gives me a worried look, but lets me go. Slowly I walk toward Sleipnir – I can’t afford to appear weak right now or stumble over my own two feet. Reveal yourself to him, my son. Do not be afraid. If only I would stop feeling scared.

Sleipnir shows his courage when he changes his shape to the one I have come to know and love him in during these last few days. I slip my good hand into his and turn to face Odin, hoping and praying I’ll find the courage to stake my claim. “This is Sleipnir. He is my son – my firstborn. You took him away from me after I gave birth to him. You won’t do that ever again. Sleipnir is done serving you and he will live with Thor, Cariad, and me. We are a family and nothing you say or do will change that!” Bold words, if only I believed them!

Thor walks towards me and takes up position next to me. “I support Loki in this matter, father. Sleipnir and Loki are kin and you should not keep them apart.”

I expect Odin to lash out at me – lecture me at best, but I’m totally unprepared when seeing the utter shock on his face. Deep lines appear on his brow and he seems to literally age in front of me. 

“I never realized… I only tried to… I am so sorry! I never thought…” Odin bows his head and draws in a series of deep breaths.

Does that mean I might actually get away with claiming Sleipnir as my son? Odin won’t oppose us? Will he let me have Sleipnir? My mother looks at me quite stunned, but then her gaze grows determined. 

“Loki, I never knew about this matter. Rest assured that Odin will not interfere again. I will see to it.”

I witnessed my mother’s wrath just once, but I recall Odin cower in front of her, trying to appease her. With my mother on my side, I might stand a chance.

“She is right, I will not meddle –ever again. Loki, I thought allowing you close to Sleipnir was the wrong thing to do. I never knew Sleipnir was capable of assuming this form – of shape shifting, like you.”

“Would it have changed matters if you had known?” Sleipnir asks and it’s the first time his angers shows. “I witnessed Loki practically begging you to let us have some form of contact – you refused. Loki is my mother. My mother!” His voice grew from calm to enraged and I squeeze his hand in an attempt to calm him down as Odin doesn’t react well to being lectured. 

“I am truly sorry.” Odin’s shoulders drop and he shakes his head. “I can never make amends for the wrongs I did. I can only offer you my apology.”

“Now that you mention it,” Thor says, who remained quiet until now. “You can make amends. Loki requires something from you – two things, which only you can supply.”

What are you doing? You don’t want to make him mad!

Trust me, Loki. This will work.

It’s not like I have a choice. And so I grow quiet and listen to their exchange while trying to radiate calm into Sleipnir’s mind.

“Whatever you need from me, you have it,” Odin says, eager to make up for past mistakes.

“We want your word that you will release Sleipnir from his service. You will not meddle in their relationship, and neither will you interfere with the way we raise Cariad,” Thor demands.

Thank you, I whisper into Thor’s mind. Thank you for giving us that.

Thor nods, but then continues. “Secondly, Loki is in need of healing. Fandral, Volstagg, and I already treated his wounds, but they are severe and will not heal by conventional means. Also, Surtr took Loki’s eyesight. He is blind if he does not use someone else’s eyes. Fay told us that spending time in your energy chamber will heal those injuries. Loki’s eyes will regenerate. I know that you only use your energy chamber during the Odinsleep, but now Loki has need of it. Will you allow him to use it?”

“Of course! Loki,Thor, I am not your enemy! I am merely an old fool who made grave mistakes in the past. I still love you—both.” 

Odin appears shaken and I can’t help but feel sorry for him. I know that he never hurt me on purpose, but he still caused me pain. “I need time,” I tell him. “Ever since I found out about Sleipnir, I… I’m…”

“Say it.” 

Odin moves towards me and comes to a halt in front of me. Thankfully Thor redirects his gaze so I can see Odin’s face. “I can’t!” A part of me remains afraid of him.

“Say it, my son, please,” Odin says and rubs my facial skin with his thumb. “I already know what you will say and I will not grow mad. I will not yell at you. I will not humiliate you.”

“I am angry with you!” I actually said it! Thor’s hand settles on my good shoulder and Sleipnir pulls my hand close to his chest, where his heart is. They know I need their support and give it freely. “I’m angry with you!” Odin draws in a deep breath and then carefully embraces me. 

“I would be mad as hell with me if I were you,” Odin whispers into my ear. “But we will discuss this later. Thor is right – you need to heal first. Let me lead the way and do not worry about your sons. Sleipnir is free to go where he wants and to do as he pleases. Cariad is under your mother’s protection as you can see – your son is safe.”

Odin’s words should reassure me, but my paranoia remains.

“I understand, my son,” Odin says as he leads me toward the doorway. 

On the verge of panicking, I reach out to Thor. I can’t see where I’m going now that we’re moving out of Thor’s view. Don’t leave me alone! Thor reacts at once, catches up with me, and falls into step with me. “Where are we going?”

“You need to restore your strength, Loki. It is time for you to rest. You will experience the Odinsleep, and hopefully, it will heal you.”

```

I feel nervous when Odin tells me to lie down. The energy field buzzes when I come into contact with it, and I almost reconsider, but then Thor reaches out to me and manages to calm me down.

“You want to heal, do you not, Loki?” Thor says as he helps me lie down. “You want your eyesight restored, or not?” 

Of course I want that, but it’s hard to put my trust in Odin. Will the energy field really restore my eyesight? Heal my injures?

“Someone will sit with you the entire time,” Thor continues, trying to set my mind at ease. “Sleipnir will take first watch, because I need to take care of our son first. Then I will return to you and watch over you… I promise.”

I know that Thor keeps his promises. He always does.

“Now lie down,” Odin instructs. “Get as comfortable as you can, because once you are asleep, you will not wake up until you are fully healed.” 

That thought scares me. What if someone manages to sneak into the room? Someone like Skurge? What if he hurts Sleipnir and I can’t react?

“We intensified our security after you were abducted, Loki. There will be four Guards in here with you at all times.”

“And I will be here. And Sif, Fandral, Volstagg, must I continue?” Thor says and smiles.

Trust has always been an issue for me and now I need to trust them to take care of me. I lie down, realizing I need to have faith in them. I get as comfortable as I can, considering my broken shoulder still hampers me, and try to control the fear that takes a hold of me.

“Close your eyes, my son. Close them and go to sleep. It is a pleasant sleep that awaits you.”

Odin might find it pleasant, but who says I will? This is wrong, so wrong! This is Odin’s domain – not mine, what am I doing here? Invading it and…

Rest, my son. Close your eyes and let the healing begin. You need to heal in so many ways. I will make sure that no harm comes to you. Close your eyes, Loki, and go to sleep. When you wake up, you will be whole again.

In the past, Odin seldom reached out to me in that way – sending me his thoughts. Maybe I should take it as a sign that he’s okay with this.

Loki, go to sleep. Stop fighting this – stop fighting -me-. You are wasting precious energy. Now let yourself fall, Odin says in my mind.

I will catch you, I always do, Thor adds.

I don’t stand a chance against their combined forces and let go. The truth is that I’m tired – still tired after all the days of rest I had. My eyes start to feel heavy and I close them. I surrender to the Odinsleep and drift off.

///

When Thor and I were little, Odin once told us that being in the Odinsleep was like experiencing a living dream. Our father told us that he could still see and hear us and encouraged us to come sit with him and tell us everything we had done that day. We did; often we sat with him and took turns telling him. When he eventually woke, he knew everything we had told him and that greatly impressed us.

Now I’m experiencing the Odinsleep myself and it’s exactly like my father said. In my mind, I ‘see’ everything that happens around me. At first, Sleipnir kept watch at my side, but then, as time passed by, Thor took his place. Thor told me about our son, and about Volstagg hovering over Cariad. He told me about Fandral and Sif sharing quarters, and about Sleipnir, who found a protector in my mother. Frigga decided to take him under her wings and glares at Odin whenever he attempts to talk to Sleipnir. My son is in the best hands then.

Being in the Odinsleep feels like nothing I ever experienced before. It feels like being wrapped up in a soothing warm blanket. At first, I worried that it might not work because I’m part Frost Giant, but as time went by, I started to feel – different. That’s the only word I can use to describe the sensation. I feel different. I lost track of time rather quickly and I can’t tell how many hours, or maybe even days passed by. But when the urge to open my eyes becomes too strong, I give in and start to wake up. Immediately, Thor’s at my side, leaning in closer and eying me worriedly. I feel fine though and I can see him – I see him without having to use someone else’s eyes. My eyesight has been restored then, just like Fay had promised.

Fay, I dreamt of her as well. I traveled to distant lands and dwelt in a forest, green and luscious, and lined with apple trees. Once, I left the forest and stood upon white cliffs. A wild sea raged below me and I could make out a small boat sailing those untamed waves. A woman looking like Fay sat in it, and it was her, and then again it wasn’t. 

“Loki? Are you awake? Can you hear me?”

Thor’s voice sounds urgent and I should compose myself as I don’t want to worry him. “I am awake.” My voice sounds foreign to me, maybe even weak as I haven’t used it for a while.

“That is good. Father said you might wake from your sleep today. Can you sit up?” 

With Thor’s assistance I manage to get into a sitting position. I look about and take in my surroundings. The Guards are still in place and Sleipnir moves forward. He comes to a halt behind Thor and offers me a smile.

“You see me,” Sleipnir says happily.

“I do,” I confirm and try to shake the cobwebs from my mind. Although my body has recovered from its injuries, I still feel tired, but in a different way. It feels like I’m moving in slow motion and my surroundings are fast-forwarding.

“Father said adjusting might take time. Apparently he always needed a few hours to adjust to existence outside of the energy field. Considering the fact that your healing process lasted eight days, I expect you to remain dazed for a more hours at the least,” Thor informs me.

I feel relieved at hearing that Odin experienced the same thing in the past. “Thor,” I look at him and wonder what I was about to say – I forgot.

“It is normal,” Odin says as he enters the room and walks towards me. “You should rest during the next few hours. Slowly everything will shift into the right perspective again.” 

I nod – slowly though as any other motion might make me dizzy.

“Take Loki to your rooms, Thor. He will feel more comfortable there. And I reckon he will want to hold Cariad again,” Odin suggests.

Thor doesn’t give me a chance to voice my thoughts in the matter as he pushes his arms beneath my body and lifts me from the energy pod. “You must like carrying me around.” He has been doing so for the last few weeks; it’s a miracle he hasn’t grown tired of it.

“As a matter of fact, I do love holding you in my arms!”

Like so many times before in these last few weeks, I rest my weary head against his shoulder. I resist closing my eyes though –relishing the fact that my vision has been restored. From the corner of my eye I see that Sleipnir follows us out of Odin’s rooms and into the corridor. 

“Cariad will be happy to see you. I believe he missed you and that is why he has been a bit insufferable lately. No one seems to be able to calm him down – not even Sleipnir.”

My son missed me; I like that thought. Thor carries me back to our rooms and places me on our bed. The bed we made love in – the spot where Cariad was conceived. 

Cariad sees me and makes some unidentifiable noise. He raises his arms and reaches for me. I smile sleepily and try to reach out to him in my mind. He’s still too young though to understand what’s happening, and when Thor lays me down, I manage to pull Cariad against me. Curling up around my son, I close my eyes and fall asleep again. 

```

Opening my eyes, the golden rays of the sun greet me and dance across the wall, eager for me to watch their play. I feel completely at peace and watch their dance unfold. The sunbeams remind me of the way some flames dance for my pleasure. The next thing I notice is the fresh air which enters my lungs each time I inhale. There’s a distinct flowery smell in the room, and when it drifts up my nostrils, I could swear I smell daffodils – how odd. 

“Loki, how are you? Your thoughts are rather peculiar.”

It’s Thor of course, lying next to me. He must have woken up when I did, for he’s giving me a curious look. “I feel like I have been reborn.” It’s the only way to describe the sensations running through me. “It’s like everything is happening for the first time.”

Thor moves closer to me, lies down on his back, and pulls me half-way atop of him. I settle down on my side and stare at him – much like a love-sick fool, I’m afraid. “I love you!” 

“Good, because I love you too. That makes two of us.”

By the gods, how I missed him teasing me! “Where’s Cariad?” Why isn’t he in bed with us?

“Your sleep was rather restless I am afraid. You tossed and turned for the first half of the night and I could not risk Cariad getting crushed in the process. Sleipnir offered to watch him. Your firstborn now lives next-door. He is only a heartbeat away.”

Hearing that sets my mind at ease. “What else happened while I was asleep?”

“Not much. No one attacked Asgard and I did not get to fight any Giants. No sneaky, mean Dwarves managed to get inside either. It is hard to believe, but Asgard is at peace and we are safe.”

I chuckle at hearing that particular update. “I do feel sorry for you – I know how much you like to beat up Giants.”

“Or pummel Dwarves. I will settle for Dwarves if there are no Giants, but do you know what I missed the most?” Thor pauses for some dramatic effect and I promptly swat his chest, pummeling him. Thor takes it in stride though. “I missed kissing you, making love to you and most of all, having you in my mind. I missed feeling connected to you.”

I feel the same way. I rest my head onto his chest and draw in a deep, soothing breath. “I missed you too.”

“You are completely healed. I examined you earlier. Your shoulder is healed. The burns are gone and your fingers are straight again and most importantly, your eyesight has been restored.”

“It was getting rather annoying having to use someone else’s eyes in order to see,” I admit. “I was growing tired of watching myself.”

“I never grow tired of watching you, in fact, I watched you sleep for the last two hours. When you sleep, your face is relaxed and I love the open expression on it.”

“You watched me sleep? Is that a good thing?”

“It is, for it shows how much I love you, Loki.”

In that case, I’ll allow him to watch me sleep, but Thor had better not make a habit out of it. Normally, I don’t like being watched.

```

I surprise myself by remaining calm when I have to face my friends and family. Odin called for a meeting, and by the looks of it, everyone showed up: Sif and Fandral, – who are holding hands behind their backs. Volstagg, Hogun, Heimdall, Sleipnir, and my parents of course. Everyone is accounted for. Cariad is in my arms when Thor and I enter the throne room, which is empty except for the small group that assembled there. Thor’s hand rests against the small of my back and I appreciate the subtlety of the gesture – offering support without making it too obvious.

“Loki, I am glad you made a complete recovery!” my mother says and hugs me, carefully not to crush Cariad in-between us. “You look much better and I am happy that your eyesight has been returned to you.”

“Thank you.” Her sincerity causes me to blush slightly. Suddenly, our friends move in, pat me on the back, make funny faces and sounds at Cariad, and start talking simultaneously. Thor wants to stop them, but I tell him not to. It’s okay – I can deal with it for they mean well.

A raven’s croaking call echoes through the hall and Nuada flies toward the throne. The cheeky bird actually settles on top of the throne and taps his beak against it. “Behave,” I tell him, but Nuada isn’t impressed and tries to sharpen his beak by moving it against the golden throne.

“Let him,” Thor says, “he cannot do much damage at any rate.”

Well, if Thor doesn’t mind I won’t waste my time trying to make Nuada obey. Instead I focus on Sleipnir who stands toward the side, waiting for his turn to greet us. It warms my heart to see that he too looks happier today. He even exchanged his sober white-gray outfit for a warmer one – adding gold to the mixture, which completely changes his appearance. “My son…” Sleipnir moves toward me and greets me by hugging me. I shift my gaze toward Odin and wonder why he demanded I dressed in my ceremonial clothes for this meeting. I complied, but refused to wear the helmet, as I didn’t see the need for it. “Why are we here?

“We are here because your subjects need to know there is a new heir to the throne. They need to know about Cariad and they will want to pay him their respects and you should give them that chance. Asgard resembles a beehive these days – everyone is inventing the most fantastic stories they can imagine.”

Duty calls then, I should have known it would be something like that. “When will they arrive?”

“In an hour,” Odin says. “Loki, Cariad is heir to the throne of Asgard, but Sleipnir deserves some recognition as well and I want to give him that. I know that you worry about my involvement and I want to take away your concern. Should anything happen to the two of you – or should you be unable to take care of Cariad, I want Sleipnir to act in your stead. That is why I will name him Cariad’s Guardian. I know it does not compare to the hurt I inflicted on the two of you, but it is the only way I can make amends.”

I sense his sincerity – he really wants to make amends and knowing that Sleipnir is Cariad’s Guardian does help set my mind at ease; I know that Sleipnir will act in Cariad’s best interest. “Thank you.” I hand Cariad to Thor, who cradles our son against his chest and take a step towards Odin. I know what I need to do – for my own peace of mind – but forgiving my father remains difficult. “I’m working on it,” I admit as I allow Odin to hug me loosely. It’s a start though.

```

I change back into my normal form and watch Sleipnir do the same. We went running – both taking the guise of an eight-legged horse. It felt good to run alongside him and Sleipnir’s smile tells me that he feels the same way. We settle down in a quiet place and I rest my back against the trunk of a tree. I reach for Sleipnir and pull him against me. My son eagerly gives in and snuggles up to me. Time ceases to exist and I truly enjoy our closeness.

```

The next morning, Thor offers to watch Cariad so I can spend more time with Sleipnir, but our meeting falls short, as my mother claims my son instead. I let her, knowing she enjoys having a large family – and she really took a liking to Sleipnir. It does him lots of good – he walks with his head held higher and he no longer tries to avoid running into Odin. 

That leaves me with spare time on my hands and I don’t know what to do with it. Thor mentioned visiting Volstagg because Cariad does like the seasoned warrior and I don’t want to interrupt them. So instead of joining them, I decide to head for the library. When I was younger, I spent a lot of time there – reading and studying magic. I always liked the peace and quiet which rule supreme within those walls. It’s the one place where Thor would never come to look for me – he doesn’t like books much. Walking through these long and familiar corridors, my love for books returns to me, and I fondly caress the book coverings. I let my fingertips glide along the leather and the paper pages of the books lying on the table of front of me. 

Then my fingers freeze, and not just my fingers… I feel wholly paralyzed all of a sudden. It isn’t a spell I’m under – no, it’s shock. There’s a book in the center of the table and merely looking at it makes me feel incapable of drawing in my next breath. The title is set in black and heavy letters, and when I speak the words, I know what the book is about. 

“Ragnarök - the destiny of the gods.” 

My breathing turns irregular and I force myself to concentrate on drawing in air. This book has no right to be here – it shouldn’t be here! I don’t want to see it. Don’t want to read about…

“Calm yourself, Loki. You don’t need to be afraid.”

At hearing Fay’s voice, I turn around, and stare at her. I don’t want to look at that book ever again! “Can’t you take it away?”

“I don’t need to.” Fay walks toward the table and makes a gesture with her hand, at which the book opens. “Brothers will fight and kill each other. Sisters’ children will defile kinship. It is harsh in the world, whoredom rife- an axe age, a sword age – shields are riven – a wind age, a wolf age – before the world goes headlong. No man will have mercy on another.” 

I know what the words mean. I heard these stories when I was little and back then, I discarded them as fairy tales, but I’m older –and maybe a little wiser now. I realize that there must be some truth to them.

“This book speaks of the things which would have happened if you hadn’t entered my cabin during that cold night,” Fay says as he turns the pages. She looks up, eyes me, and offers me a reassuring smile. “None of your other children will come into existence in this world. Fenrir won’t swallow Odin and kill him. Hell won’t aid them in battle and Jörmungandr won’t poison Thor. Instead of Heimdall and you killing each other, you have become friends. Loki, when you made the decision to seek me out that night, the thread the Norns were spinning for this particular future split in two. When you made the decision to fight for Thor and admit your love for him, this particular future vanished all together. It was –you- who changed the fate of the world, and you changed it for the better.”

She turns another page and I look upon my hideous offspring; Fenrir, the giant wolf, Jörmungandr, the Midgard snake, who would have caused Thor’s death, and Hell, my nightmarish daughter. 

“Your son Cariad will ascend to the throne of Asgard in the future, and under his rule, Asgard will flourish. Loki, you made all the right choices in the past. I know that you feel lacking – still, after all this time, and maybe it helps knowing that you saved your loved ones and your world as a whole. Thanks to you none of this will come to pass.”

She closes the book and it vanishes into thin air. It’s like it’s never been here, but I know the truth. “Are you sure that I won’t cause the destruction of the world after all?”

“I’m sure! Oh Loki, it’s that self-doubt and fear that changed your love for Thor into hate in that other future. That will never happen now – Thor loves you dearly and you would die to keep him safe. Cariad will be a great warrior and even better a ruler.” 

Fay moves closer and whispers into my ear, “In case you’d like to know; he’ll fall in love with Sif’s daughter and they’ll be happy. Sif and Fandral will be happy too,” she adds and gives me a wink.

Slowly, I start to feel reassured and I look her in the eye. “Why did you do this for me? You didn’t know me until we met that night. Why do you care for me? And Asgard, the Nine Worlds, Thor, Sleipnir, why?”

“That’s where you are wrong, Loki, I have known you all my life.” Fay raises her arm and rests her hand on my shoulder. “When Odin found you in that temple, I was present as well. I had entered the shrine before he did. The battle had drawn me there – the sheer amount of death and violence had caused me to appear as the Morrígan, and when I heard you cry out –like Odin did – I walked into the temple. Had Odin not claimed you as his son, I would have.”

I blink in surprise. “I didn’t know that.” 

“You can’t know everything, Loki – not even you,” she says and winks at me. “Now tell me, did you learn anything from what I told you? Did you hear what you needed to hear?”

Her question sounds odd, but I know why she’s asking it. “I did, I should stop doubting myself and savor having a family. I should accept they love me; Thor, Sleipnir, and Cariad. I should allow my friends close. Except for Sif, I have been trying to keep them at an emotional distance.”

“And do not be too hard on your father. Odin pretends to be all-knowing, but he isn’t. When he made his decisions he thought they were in your best interest, but he made mistakes – like you did.”

I nod. “You’re right.”

“Loki, it’s time for me to leave you now. No, not forever,” she adds upon seeing my stunned expression. “I’ll always keep an eye on you, and should you ever need me, call me, I’ll come.” She actually chuckles. “Maybe in time, you’ll desire another child – a daughter, who knows.”

“No.” I shake my head resolutely. “I’m not going through another pregnancy!”

“Maybe, maybe not,” she hints. “Loki, Cariad means love in my language. Remember that everyone needs to love and be loved, but I believe you learned that lesson best.” Fay raises her hand in goodbye and then vanishes, leaving me alone. Thankfully she took that accursed book with her. The things it speaks off will never come to pass now – I must remember that.

```

I need some time alone after my encounter with Fay, and when I return to my rooms a few hours later, Thor already eagerly awaits me. Volstagg sits on the floor and amuses Cariad by letting my son catch his beard with his tiny fingers. In the corner of the room, seated close to Thor, is Sleipnir. His face’s alight with happiness and his smile infectious as I start smiling as well. Taking in the scene in front of me, I realize that Fay’s right. I have been blessed in many ways. Thor loves me and will always support me, no matter what I do. My lost son returned to me, and Sleipnir and I will deepen that bond throughout time. And then there’s Cariad – the center of my world at the moment.

Cariad must have sensed my thoughts – or emotions – as he loses interest and stops pulling Volstagg’s beard. Instead, my son start to crawl toward me – cooing, and unfortunately, also drooling a bit. I walk toward him and pick him up. Now that he’s in my arms, Cariad tries to wrap his short arms around my neck and I let him. Thor raises an arm in greeting and I walk over to him. I slide onto his lap, make myself comfortable, and enjoy the sensation of Thor wrapping me up in an embrace.

Ragnarök will never happen. Thor won’t die, I won’t kill Heimdall and Odin will live on. It’s hard to believe that I changed the fate of the world – but I did.

Paradise Lost

 

Prologue

Looking out over these deserted lands, I recall a time when all was well. A time when a comforting blanket of golden snow covered these grounds, and not the hard, unyielding layer of ice that encases it these days. I remember a time when snow foxes, ice butterflies, and frosted fish adorned my world. A time when children’s feet sounded in these deserted halls. Their sharp but joyful laughter would bounce off the white walls and fill the rooms with a special kind of warmth.

I remember a time – long past – when the Frost Giants were a peaceful race. They would tend to their cold world, which thanked them with bestowing many wonders on them. The magnificent Ice dragons of old have long left this world or maybe they are merely asleep, locked away at the core of our accursed world. I saw one of the majestic creatures when I was a child, but I have not laid eyes upon them in three millennia. I still mourn the loss.

Our world is dying. Jotunheim has been withering away for many centuries. Our lives darkened the day Laufey ascended to the throne. Driven by a need to possess other worlds besides ours, he attacked races much weaker than ours, which were defenseless. Some of us tried to stop of him, but as he possessed the Heart of Ice, we stood no chance. I tried to defy him as well, and because of that failed attempted, suffered horrible punishment. But Laufey is dead; Loki, his son, killed him, and by doing that, he opened a door which had been locked for many years. 

Now that a door of opportunity has been opened, I should make good use of the moment and act upon it. The number of my race is dwindling and I fear we might not survive another century. Laufey is to blame for that. As his mind had been set on war, he had put a binding spell on all females, locking them away deep beneath the ice. Only a king can disperse such a spell, and since we are without a ruler, it is time we find ourselves a new king. We need children to strengthen our race. We need Jotunheim to be restored to its old splendor. We need a champion, and there is only one Frost Giant, whose birthright entitles him to sit on Jotumheim’s throne. 

Loki, King of Asgard, is Laufey’s firstborn, and therefore the legitimate heir to the throne. And I, Leify, must find a way to make Loki accept his destiny.

///

Cariad opens his eyes and looks at me. His blue eyes start to show specks of green and I wonder what color will persevere in the end. Will Thor’s legacy or mine shape our son’s eyes? Cariad chuckles in his very special way and reaches for my hair, delighting at pulling it. “Behave,” I tell him, but I can’t be angry with him. Lying all sprawled across my chest and burying his face against my shoulder, my son attempts to hug me, but ends up merely getting his fingers entangled with my hair. “That’s not behaving,” I tell him, but again, the timbre of my voice betrays me. 

“He is rather possessive of you,” Thor quips next to me.

I turn my head, as much as Cariad’s hold allows, and look at my mate. Thor is on his side, watching me, and doubtlessly enjoying seeing me in this situation. “Reminds you of someone?” I quip in turn, enjoying our little bantering. I will never grow tired of teasing my lover. 

“Like father, like son,” Thor chuckles, not in the least embarrassed. “Aye, I am also possessive of you, Loki, as you are my life. Can you blame me for wanting you close and safe?”

Ever since Thor tricked me into ruling the realms with him, we have had this particular discussion as he refuses to allow me to do things on my own. He insists we act like a team, and although I concur most of the time, I do need some personal time. Deep down, I am a very private person and Thor is the only person who I allow this close to me – emotionally and spiritually. Most of the time, he lives in my mind, like I live in his, but sometimes the need to be on my own overwhelms me. Thor still hasn’t learned how to cope with such an occasion. Instead of allowing me some time on my own, he watches my every step, like he is afraid I will vanish on him. I understand his fears, but that doesn’t mean I approve of his behavior. 

“Loki?”

Thor repeating my name reminds me of the fact that he actually asked me a question and therefore expects an answer. I know why you are the way you are. You worry about me and your worst nightmare is losing me. But Thor, I stand my ground. You need not worry all the time. The fact that I answered him in his mind, seems to please Thor as he graces me with a big smile. And damn, he knows I love seeing him grin like that!

Loki, you mean so much to me! You are not merely my mate, my lover. You are the mother of my child! You gave me the greatest gift possible – a son. I hold you in the highest regard and I love you more than life itself.

Thor’s words still touch me, even though he assures me of his love on a daily basis. I told him that he doesn’t need to keep repeating himself, but merely speaking the words seems to make him happy. When I decided to accept you as my lover, I prayed that you wouldn’t change your mind. I was afraid that you would grow tired of me and discard me. Thor is about to protest my words and I quickly silence him by resting my fingertips against his lips. “No, hear me out.” Thor nods and remains quiet. “I don’t open up to you often, and certainly not in the way you deserve, but I want you to know this.” Thor nods again and wraps his fingers around my hand, parts his lips, and kisses my fingertips. He knows that this is hard on me. 

“Thor, I expected the worse back then, and when I revealed my female aspect to you, you didn’t seem to approve. You disliked seeing me like that and I know it took courage on your part to accept that part of me.” This time Thor fails to remain quiet – I should have known he would speak his mind.

“Loki, I had to get used to you as a female, but I am glad I did. Because of that, I am a father now. Cariad is precious to me! More precious than anything else in the realms – expect for you, that is.”

The romantic oaf kisses my fingertips again, almost managing to distract me. “Thor, back then I expected the worst, but what I never expected, what I never thought possible, is the unconditional love you have for me. At times like these, I can actually feel it in your mind – your love for me is beyond words.” The next admission is hard on me, but Thor deserves nothing but the truth. “Some days, I still feel like I don’t deserve you. There are times when I truly wonder why you love me.” Thor buries my right hand in his and guides it to his chest – near to his heart. His other hand glides across my face, caressing it with such obvious affection that it makes my eyes swim. 

Cariad has grown quiet during our exchange and watches me with large, wondering eyes. “Sorry, little one. You’re too young to make sense of any of this.” Cariad’s reaction is to bury his hands behind my neck and to press himself even closer to me. I understand why Cariad’s love is unconditional, I gave birth to him after all, but…

Loki, stop it. Do not do this to yourself. Do not doubt yourself. I love you for who you are – I love every aspect of you – be it female or Frost Giant. I love you and so does our son.

I’m working on accepting that – still. Most of the time, I feel confident and I know that Thor loves me and that he won’t leave me, but there are also those days when I can’t bear to look at myself in a mirror. At times, I hate myself for being a fraud. My skin’s natural color is blue; my eyes are red. This – my current appearance – is nothing but a lie – an illusion at best! I hate being a Frost Giant – I detest that part of me!

“Loki, this is who you are, I wish you would accept that.”

It still amazes me that Thor accepted my inheritance so easily. Finding out about my true nature must have shocked him, and I study him, wondering how he reacted back then when he found out.

“Father told me,” Thor says, reading the question in my mind. “I was not surprised – not really. I merely accepted the fact that you are a Frost Giant. It did not matter much to me.”

“But why?” I always wondered about that.

“Because your inheritance is not who you are. You are you.” Thor’s expression becomes apologetic. “I am not explaining this right, but Loki, I love *you*. You could have been a Dwarf for all I cared! You make me laugh and you challenge me. You care for me – you love me, and you have done so since the first time we met. Why should it matter to me what race you belong to as long as your heart belongs to me? You belong with me, Loki, like I belong with you.”

You’re right; you suck at explanations, but don’t worry, you got your point across. It’s true - I understand Thor’s perspective. I understand why my heritage matters little to him and I wished I could accept my lineage as easily as he does. But I find that hard - maybe even impossible. 

Let us discuss this no more for today. Your son and I require your undivided attention, Loki.

I know what he’s doing – distracting me- and I let him get away with it because I love him. It doesn’t solve my problems though – it doesn’t change the fact that I hate myself.

~~~

“You tell them!” Sif demands.

“Nay, you tell them. Go on, do it!” Fandral insists and gives Sif, who acts uncharacteristically nervous, an encouraging smile. “I will back you up.”

I wish they would finally make up their mind. They have been at it in this way for thirty minutes and I wonder why Sif finds it so hard to tell us. I mean, it’s rather obvious. Even Thor understands what’s going on as my mate keeps grinning at me. “Just tell us!” I explode eventually, sounding harsher than I intended. Should I apologize? No, it appears my tone convinced Sif to start talking. 

“Fandral and I decided… Well, he asked me!” 

Sif gives Thor a pleading look, but my mate acts ignorant. I didn’t know Thor was capable of manipulation! 

“What did you decide? What did Fandral ask you?” Thor grins at both of them and shifts Cariad on his lap. Our son is tired and about to go to sleep, which means a few blessed minutes of peace for us. Most of the time he’s aiming at our hair or Volstagg’s beard. Cariad does like to pull stuff!

“Loki, you understand, do you not?”

Ah, she’s trying to trick me, but I refuse to play along, as I want Sif to say the words. “I understand much, that’s true,” I tease her, “but at the moment I have no idea what you’re trying to tell me.” Sif’s gaze shifts from me to Fandral and I’m glad I’m not in his shoes. Being married to Sif can’t be easy. Fandral seems to finally take pity on her. He takes hold of her hand, buries it in between his, and rubs her skin.

“I asked Sif to marry me and she accepted.” 

I had hoped Fandral would propose as it’s obvious they love each other dearly. “I’m happy for the two of you. Congratulations are in order then.” Thor’s reaction isn’t as formal as mine though. He gets to his feet, deposits a sleeping Cariad on my lap, and promptly embraces Fandral, nearly suffocating him with that crushing hold of his.

“Well done!” Thor says, and grins at Fandral. “Loki had hoped you would propose!”

Sif’s eyes widen as she looks at me. “You knew what I wanted to tell you and you let me embarrass myself?”

I shrug. “It was rather amusing to watch you struggle.” She knows I’m not trying to hurt her feelings. Ever since Surtr abducted us and tortured me, Sif and I made our peace. A move which still surprises me. But I confided in her and told her about my pregnancy, and after that, Sif became awfully protective of me. Everything changed.

“You will never change, Loki,” Sif says, but she says it with a smile on her face. “You are forgiven.”

I incline my head in so called gratitude. “When will the happy event take place?” Knowing Fandral, he will insist on a proper ceremony, which is something Thor and I never had. We never had the time to follow any rituals. 

“In one week!” Fandral announces proudly. “And we still need to ask you two more questions!”

Hearing that surprises me. “What do you want to know?” Thor exchanges a curious look with me, but I don’t know what this is about either. Although Thor actually believes I’m all-knowing, I’m not. Far from it!

“Thor, will you stand at my side the moment I exchange vows? You are my best friend. You supported me when no else wanted to see me succeed as a warrior.” Sif looks a bit embarrassed speaking those words.

But she has no reason to feel that way. She holds her own amongst the warriors and is highly respected all over Asgard. Isn’t it odd that I want others to stop feeling inferior and can’t make myself do it? 

Thor rests a hand on Sif’s shoulder and nods firmly. “I will be at your side that day. I am honored that you want me there.” And he sounds proud for sure. Sif asking him must warm Thor’s heart. 

You do not mind, do you? 

Thor’s question doesn’t surprise me as he wants my permission to be there for Sif on that day. Of course not. How could I be opposed? I know how important your friendship is to both of you. However, I must admit that there was a time when I considered Sif competition for Thor’s love. That’s in the past though!

“Loki?” Fandral coughs in order to get my attention, and once I look at him, he smiles brilliantly. “I would ask of you to do the same thing for me. I will be damn nervous that day and knowing me, I will create havoc. Will you keep me company until the moment comes that Sif and I exchange vows?”

His smile turns into a sly grin and I instantly grow alert, tasting a certain question in the air – one, which he doesn’t want to voice, but can be read in his mind. “No, I won’t do it.” Thor raises an eyebrow and a frown forms on his brow. “You don’t understand,” I chide my lover. “Fandral wants me to shift into my female form that day!” Thor’s expression changes and shows amusement mixed in with understanding. “Fandral, I want to support you because I do consider you a friend.” Damn, saying it is still hard on me, but I’m working on it. “And you have my support, but I’m not shape-shifting!” I don’t trust myself – not yet. I stayed in my female body for too long the last time I changed my form, and although I’m grateful I had Cariad, I refuse to take any chances. I don’t want to end up pregnant again! The look Fandral gives me, tells me that he understands, and although that should please me, it doesn’t. I hate it when I’m so transparent.

“I accept that, Loki, and I do not mind. Just having your support – and your friendship – means a lot to me, to both of us,” Fandral says warmly.

It doesn’t happen often, but Fandral renders me speechless and I hate him for that!

“We will be there,” Thor says, understanding what I’m going through. “Loki and I will support you.” Thor turns toward me, covers the small distance that separates us, and curls an arm around my waist, also burying Cariad in a safe embrace by doing so. 

Sif and Fandral nod. He takes her hand in his and they head for the doorway. Before stepping outside though, Fandral turns his head toward me and winks at me. “Too bad though, I do love that look on you.”

I know exactly what he’s talking about, and although I should know better than to allow myself to be manipulated, I fail miserably. “Forget about it, Fandral!” There is no way I will assume my female form just in order to take away his nervousness. He wants to marry Sif, and he should deal with the nerves that go along with it!

~~~

“Finally, a moment of peace!” I draw in a deep breath, hold onto it for a moment, and then take great pleasure in sighing. Looking at my shirt, I find it wet with Cariad’s drool. Hopefully he’ll also drool on his current baby-sitter, Volstagg! “Your son drooled on me!” I inform Thor, who has been watching me for the last minute.

“Pray tell me, oh wise one. why is Cariad ‘my’ son when he does something to displease you, but he is ‘your’ son the moment you find him adorable?”

I raise an eyebrow at hearing that and turn around to look Thor in the eye. “A mother’s privilege,” I tell him dismissively. Not quite sure why, I make my way over to Thor, who stands next to a window and takes in the magnificent sight of the city eternal beneath us. I come to a halt in front of him and cock my head. “Something’s wrong.”

“Not wrong – not exactly,” Thor says while his face briefly contorts. “I simply do not look forward to telling you.”

“Telling me what?” My eyes narrow involuntarily as I study him. Thor feels distinctly ill at ease and I have no idea why. I could take the answer from his mind, but I would never violate his trust in such a way. Thor acts like he’s gathering his courage and I wonder what is wrong. “Just tell me, Thor. I won’t bite your head off.”

“And you will not turn me into a toad either?” 

Thor’s tone is ambiguous; he sounds like he’s joking, but I’m not sure he is. “I promise I won’t turn you into a toad. Now tell me!” If he keeps stalling I’ll end up in a bad mood and then Thor *will* be at the receiving end of my wrath – like he is most of the time.

“A Frost Giant named Leify has requested an audience with you. Apparently Jotunheim does not fare well.” Thor coughs in an attempt to cover up his nervousness. “A year ago a terrible storm ruined most of their cities and the Giants are dying.” 

A year ago… I tried to destroy Jotunheim a year ago by keeping the Bifrost open. I was determined to kill the Frost Giants and to erase their existence from my memory. Thor stopped me back then and I fell into disgrace. I happened upon Fay and she saved my soul in so many ways. “I never gave that matter any thought – trying to devastate Jotunheim, that is.” And why would I? I detest the Frost Giants and Jotunheim. I still pity the fact that I failed to eradicate that race! 

“Loki,” Thor says in a remarkably soft voice. “The Frost Giants have a right to exist. Our father would never want to see them annihilated and you know it.”

Unfortunately, that’s true. Odin saved their unworthy lives too many times as far as I’m concerned. Then, I remember Thor’s request. “I refuse to talk to him. If you want to talk to this Frost Giant, you can. I won’t stop you, but don’t ask me to be present!” I move away from Thor and turn my back to him. “I won’t talk to him!” Thor won’t be able to convince me otherwise!

“Loki,” Thor says, using that particular tone again. “You cannot run away from this. I will not allow it.”

I spin around and glare at him. “Don’t get involved, Thor, this is personal!” Thor sighs and then he turns ‘that’ look on, which is meant to me make me compliant. It won’t work though! Not this time!

“Listen to me, please!” 

Thor raises his arms and rests his hands on my shoulders. Holding me in place, the bastard. “I don’t want to hear any of this!”

“I know you do not, but you must!”

I stare at him, trying to make him back down, but unfortunately Thor knows that I’m mostly bark and no bite – damn him for knowing me so well!

“Loki, you tried to destroy Jotunheim. Do you not agree that we should attempt to repair the damage you did?”

Thor flinches the moment he stops talking, knowing I’ll interpret his words the way I want to, and that means, he’s in trouble. “The world ‘I’ tried to destroy? The damage ‘I’ did? And who drove me to do so?” It’s not fair and I know it, but I hate being reminded of what I did. Unexpectedly, Thor’s hands shift to the nape of my neck and start to massage the tense muscles there. That move takes me aback and I simply stare at him. Thor doesn’t speak; he merely gives me the time I need to come to terms with my misdeeds. Where would I be without his understanding and gentle support? “I’m sorry,” I whisper at last. “I didn’t mean it that way. I’m responsible for what I did and I can’t blame you for that.” But I tried, to my eternal shame!

“Loki, our father worries about the well-being of all realms. He cares for the Dwarfs and for the Giants. We can do no less now that it is our turn to rule. The Frost Giants need us. Loki, it cannot have been easy on them to send a representative here in order to beg for our support. Because that is what they know they need to do – to beg for your support. They know you will not give it easily.”

I force myself to ponder Thor’s words instead of lashing out at him again. Calming down, I realize he’s right. For the Frost Giants to come here and request an audience is a humiliation in itself. “I’m not sure I can do this, Thor, I almost destroyed their world and I hate them still.” Thor’s right hand moves to cup my cheek and in doing so, manages to raise my head so he can make eye-contact. His eyes shine with compassion and the hope that I’ll comply. 

“This is your chance to shine, Loki. This is your chance to deal with your past and to rise above it. You are no longer the person you were a year ago. You have changed. Let them see that. Allow yourself to show them that you have changed – that you have become a better person; the person I love.”

Thor doesn’t fight fair! “You have no idea what you’re asking me to do!”

“You are right; I do not. I cannot imagine the pain you went through when you found out the truth about your inheritance, but Loki, I know the person you are today and I have faith in you.”

Bah, he did it again! “I hate you for being able to do this to me.”

Thor chuckles. “For making you face yourself?”

I shrug. “You always upend my life and you do so easily!”

“Maybe that’s because you allow me to do so. Loki, grant Leify his audience. I will stand at your side and we will listen to his plea – then we will decide what to do. Together, as a team.”

Rationally I know agreeing to Thor’s proposal is the right thing to do, but my heart says differently. My heart tells me to run and to never stop running in order to look back – as I’m afraid of what I might find if I look myself in the eye.

~~~

“You requested my presence, why?”

I can’t blame Sleipnir for being puzzled. Normally he doesn’t attend any audiences, but I need him at my side right now. “I need your support, my son.” The mere fact that Sleipnir stands next to me gives me strength. It reminds me of the fact that some of my deeds turned out for the better. I need to believe that I’m capable of good, and looking at Sleipnir, I might just believe it. 

“You have my support – always,” Sleipnir says, still sounding rather mystified.

Looking about I’m grateful that Thor decided to make this a private audience. Odin lurks in the back, and so does Heimdall, but they won’t get involved. They’re here to observe, and if asked, to offer advice. 

“I am proud of you for doing this,” Thor says and places a hand strategically at the small of my back – making sure I won’t run. “This will not take long. We will do whatever we can to aid Jotunheim and then we will return to our normal schedule.”

Does Thor really think it will be that easy? Probably. 

“May I introduce Leify to you, my lieges? Official representative of the Frost Giants and here to speak on Jotunheim’s behalf.” After speaking those words, the Captain of the Guard steps aside and allows for our guest to enter.

I steel myself against whatever impact this confrontation will have on me. I need to remain composed, after all, I’m King! Surprised, I stare at the person entering the room. I expected a tall Frost Giant, bearing blue skin and red eyes, but the person who approaches me looks nothing like that. He looks normal, like me. He doesn’t resemble the Frost Giants I have come to know – in no way at all. He’s of my height and where my hair is a black as coal, his is as white at ice. He’s pale, his lips show a blue hue and his eyes show a swirling mix of white and grey. His clothes are a mix of white cloth and furs, wrapping him up in their warmth. Remarkable! Thor suddenly squeezes my back gently, probably trying to get me to react, but I’m truly stunned.

“Greetings, Leify, you are welcome here,“ Thor says eventually. “We will hear your case and we will help if we can.”

Thor pokes me in the back again, more forcefully this time, and I want to hiss at him, but then remember where I am. I need to control myself. I stand at Thor’s side for a reason – we both rule these realms and I need to act the part.

“Thor Odinson, I thank you for your kind words. I am grateful that you granted me this audience.”

Leify’s voice strikes me as pleasant and I instantly grow alert. It’s a voice that implies you can trust the owner and that very fact makes me suspicious. Leify’s gaze shifts from Thor toward me and I stand even straighter, as I don’t want to show any weakness in front of this stranger.

“And greetings to you, Loki, son of Laufey.”

Although he’s merely voicing the truth, I feel offended – deadly offended. I don’t want anyone to remind me of my disgrace. “You’re welcome here.” I grind the words through my teeth and they don’t sound welcoming at all, but I couldn’t care less. I never asked Leify to come to Asgard!

Loki, please behave yourself. I understand that you find it hard to deal with the situation at hand, but you are Asgard’s King. You need to behave accordingly. 

Like I need Thor to remind me! I know that! The difficulty however lies in facing the hatred I feel toward Leify and mostly myself. “Tell us why you’re here and how we can assist you.” Hopefully I sound composed and in control. 

Leify smiles minutely and then bows his head. “Jotunheim is in need of your help. Jotunheim is dying and so are its inhabitants. The Frost Giants wither away and it will not be long before both our world and our people are no more. Therefore I have come here in order to seek your help, my King.”

Something about the way Leify said that worries me. I can’t put my finger on it, but I feel like I’m missing something. “Thor and I will see what we can do to aid you.” Thor’s thoughts brush against mine, conveying his approval and pride at me handling the situation so well.

“With all due respect,” Leify says while establishing eye-contact with me. “It is not Thor’s support we need. It is yours, Loki. Laufey was our King and you are his firstborn. That makes you the legal heir to Jotunheim’s throne. You are our King, Loki, and it is you – and only you – who can save our world.”

I never saw that one coming. 

Thor casting that observation into my mind doesn’t help. What I need is a way out, not a remark like that! “Leify, I have no desire to rule your world. You should chose a king from your own ranks.”

“We cannot do that, my liege. You inherited your parents’ magic and only said magic can undo Laufey’s spells. Our world is dying, my liege. We need you to set right the wrongs Laufey did.”

“You must be mad.” It’s probably a mistake to speak my mind, but how can I remain quiet? “Leify, I rule in Asgard. I’m not your King!”

“I disagree, my liege,” Leify says as he lowers himself onto one knee. “You are my King and you rule in Jotunheim. You are the only one who can save us and I pray that you will help us.” Leify lowers his gaze and stares at the ground, portraying a perfect picture of devotion. 

I’m about to shake my head and to free myself of Thor’s hold so I can flee the room, but Odin steps up to me and looks at me sternly. “Don’t make me do this,” I implore him. 

“Loki, like Thor, I raised you to be king. You are of Jotunheim’s royal bloodline and you cannot change that. You are their King and you should face your duties, your responsibilities. It is not an easy life you lead, but you have the chance to make a difference. You can save your kin. You can save a dying world. Loki, the Frost Giants are my children too. I could never turn my back on them and I hope that you will rise to this challenge.”

Probing Thor’s mind, I realize he agrees with Odin; that doesn’t surprise me. What ‘does’ surprise me, is feeling Sleipnir touch my mind. Yes, my son? What does he want to tell me?

I have fought the Frost Giants alongside Odin many times and I understand why you are hesitant to help them, but tell me, is what Leify says true? Are you their rightful King?/ 

I don’t want to think about that and I want to say the words even less. But Sleipnir is asking me a question and I owe him an answer. I can’t lie to him – never – so I will have to uncover the whole truth. Instead of addressing my firstborn, I give into the impulse to sit down on the floor. That action causes Leify to react, much like I thought he would.

“My liege?” Surprise shows in his eyes and his voice sounds brittle all of a sudden. 

“My son wants to know if you’re speaking the truth. Am I Jotunheim’s rightful king? Is there no other with such a claim?”

“None, my King. You are Laufey’s firstborn. You are the only one entitled to rule Jotunheim!”

I still feel like he’s hiding something from me. “What are you ‘not’ telling me?”

“Nothing, my liege!”

Loki, what are you doing? Get up from the floor will you? This is, after all, an official audience!

But I discard Thor’s comment, hearing the laughter behind the words. He’ll never admit it, but he likes it when I’m unpredictable – he told me once that that particular character trait attracts him to me. “Hypothetically speaking,” I start, looking Leify in the eye, “If I were dead, who would ascend to the throne then?” 

“Your firstborn, my liege.” Leify raises his head and singles out Sleipnir. “Your firstborn is your heir, my King.”

Hum, so that backfired, since now Sleipnir is giving me a panicked look. “Let’s assume Sleipnir is dead too. Sorry, my son,” I address him apologetically and Sleipnir nods his forgiveness. “Who would rule Jotunheim then?”

Loki, I do hope there is a point to this questioning!

Patience, my dear, patience, I chide Thor, knowing darn well that I’m calling him on his weakness.

But not for much longer, Loki!

So be it. “Leify,” I say, addressing this Frost Giant once more. “Who would take the throne given that situation?” Leify, however, doesn’t seem inclined to answer my question. “Answer me damn it!” Maybe all he needs is some extra persuasion!

“I would.” Leify averts his gaze and stares at the wall. 

I blink in surprise. “Repeat that, will you?” Did he really say that he would be next in line for the throne?

“I would,” Leify says and sighs. 

“And why is that?” Feeling the need to distance myself, I rise from the floor and stand in front of my guest. This time, Leify gets to his feet as well and finally answers my gaze. “Why are you next in line?”

“Because I am your younger brother, Loki.”

The shock I’m experiencing makes it hard for me to breathe and all I’m capable of is to stare at Leify. Thor wraps an arm around my shoulders and I lean against him. “My brother? Are you saying that…?” I fail to finish my question as my emotions overwhelm me – emotions I never thought I was capable of.

“Aye, I am your brother, Loki. Rather young compared to you, and born because Laufey wanted an heir, but his plans backfired on him. For one, because you were still alive and therefore next in line for the throne and I turned out to be quite a rebellious son.”

I feel like I’m walking on quicksand and with every word Leify speaks, I slip in deeper. “We should discuss this in depth, but not now, not here. Sleipnir, will you escort our guest to my rooms in the morning? See to it that he is fed and given a chance to rest.” It’s my way of getting some breathing space as well. Leify might not need time to think everything over but I definitely do! 

~~~

I’m grateful that Volstagg’s still taking care of Cariad, for it allows me to gather and sort out my thoughts. I sit down in my favorite spot on the windowsill and watch the city, so alive below me. It’s hard to believe that I’m her King. Thor leaves me be for now and doesn’t pressure me into talking to him. That’s another thing I’m thankful for. 

I have a brother! A younger brother called Leify. It never occurred to me that I could have relatives on Jotunheim and I never considered finding out. After I had set up and killed Laufey – why would I –the killer– ever set foot again in that accursed land? But Leify is nothing like I expected. For one, he doesn’t look like a Frost Giant and secondly, he doesn’t act like one either. I sigh, search for Thor’s form, and find him seated on the couch in front of the fireplace. I get to my feet, make my way over to him, and stand in front of him. Thor raises his head, makes eye-contact, and resolutely pulls me onto his lap. I comply, slide onto his lap, wrap my arms around his shoulders, and rest my head against his chest. Thor instantly completes the embrace and holds me close. The contentment which radiates from his mind makes me chuckle – it never ceases to amaze me how easily I can make Thor happy. Merely accepting his closeness and comfort is enough to make him feel content. 

“Leify took you by surprise,” Thor says, testing the waters.

“He did, I never thought about having kin in Jotunheim. Which is probably stupid, considering I *am* a Frost Giant.”

“You are Loki. Nothing more, nothing less. You are what you want to be – who you want to be.”

“I do love you, Thor.” How can he possibly know what I need to hear in order to feel more at ease? Thor gives me a brilliant smile and kisses me in a possessive way. I eagerly surrender – I want him to take charge; that way I can postpone any decisions I need to make. The lovemaking that follows is quick, but Thor is careful not to rush me. I tried to explain to him that I’m not fragile, but he doesn’t listen; he treats me like I’m precious, and no matter how badly I push his buttons, he never loses control – unlike me. Climaxing, I give into the desire to bite him, and by doing so, draw a deep-throated growl from my lover. Feeling spent, I rest in his arms and then raise my head so I can look him in the eyes. The look of love he directs at me still takes my breath away – even after a year he still looks at me like that. It’s amazing that he still loves me – still wants me, considering I’m not the easiest person to live with, let alone be in a relationship with!

“”What are your plans for Leify and Jotunheim?” Thor asks while caressing my face and moving some stray black hair behind my ears. 

“You want to leave that decision up to me? Do you think that’s wise? I’m biased, you know.” But that’s Thor for sure – wanting me to make up my mind and to do what’s right. He still believes in my capacity for good. I’m not sure I’ll be able to prove his trust in me. 

“You will do the right thing, Loki. I am convinced that you cannot turn your back on your people or on your home world.”

I glare at him. I’m very much aware of the fact that he’s manipulating me. That still surprises me as I hadn’t noticed him influencing me before. Or maybe he always did and I never saw through it. “Thor, you must realize I hate Jotunheim. It’s the very reason why I wanted to destroy it back then.” Thor however shakes his head.

“You hated what Odin did to you – that he lied to you. That he withheld the truth from you. Odin’s manipulation caused you to lash out in such a way. It is not because you hate the Frost Giants. Loki, you do not even know them!”

I hate it when Thor’s right. I misbehaved back then because Odin’s lies had hurt me. Maybe I should try to prove that Thor’s trust in me isn’t completely misplaced. “Council me then; what do you suggest I do?” Thor’s smile turns even more radiant – I didn’t even think that was possible! 

“I would advise you to take your rightful place as Jotunheim’s King. Set the world to right – if you can, and then return to me. Loki, you do not have to live there. You can rule Jotunheim from here.”

I should have known he would suggest something like that. “Thor, the last thing I want to do is to go to Jotunheim. I tried to destroy it. You don’t really believe that they will receive me with open arms?”

“Well, Leify is here, is he not? That should tell you something. They have need for you, and although I need you too, I understand that you need to take charge in Jotunheim. If the situation is really so severe that the Giants are dying, that their world is dying, you need to go there.”

I press my lips against his, kiss him, and slide my fingers into his hair, showing him how much I love him through touch. Thor pulls me even closer and answers the kiss with a passion that tells me how much he loves me. I find it hard to end our kiss, but eventually I do. Thor’s right – I can’t run away no matter how much I want to. Neither can I ask him to go to Jotunheim in my stead – this is something only I can do. “I’ll talk to Leify first. I’ll reach a decision after that.” It’s the best I can offer.

“Sounds like a good plan. Let Leify tell you about your home. Maybe it will change your perspective!”

“I doubt that.” But Thor is right. I need more information before making a decision.

///

I still feel apprehensive about this upcoming meeting. Thor thinks that I’m doing the right thing, but I’m not so sure myself. A knock on the door announces the arrival of our guest, and I compose myself, standing perfectly straight and erasing all emotion from my facial features. 

Relax, Loki, everything will be fine.

I hope Thor will be right, but I won’t believe it until I see it. “You may enter.” The door opens and Sleipnir is the first to enter our chambers. I decided to talk to Leify in our private quarters, far away from the throne room. Sleipnir gives me a smile, which tells me that he feels comfortable in Leify’s presence. I hadn’t thought my son would accept the Frost Giant so easily.

“Mother, I bring you Leify and I did as you bid, I saw him fed and he has rested.”

“Well done, thank you, Sleipnir.” I use every chance I get to praise my son, knowing only too well that I can never make up for the time we lost. From the corner of my eye I watch Leify and find him smiling as well. Apparently he likes the way Sleipnir and I interact, but damn it, it’s none of his business! I need to stop feeling so hostile though if I want this to work!

“Please, sit down,” Thor says, quickly saving the situation. “Would you like some wine?” Sleipnir guides Leify to the couch closest to the fireplace and both of them sit down. 

“Wine?” Leify considers Thor’s question. “It has been many years since I last tasted wine, so aye, I accept.”

Leify’s an enigma as far as I’m concerned and I’ve never excelled at hiding my curiosity. “You don’t strike me as a regular Frost Giant; neither appearance nor character wise.” Thor pours Leify a glass of wine and he also offers Sleipnir some, but my son declines. Smart move. You don’t want to end up intoxicated during a meeting like this. Leify doesn’t seem to worry though.

“I agree, my liege. I am not a typical Frost Giant.” Leify sips, but then stops drinking. Instead, he steals a glance at me. “What do I need to do in order to convince you to help us?”

I must admit that I like his direct approach – the thing is, I don’t know the answer myself. “Tell me about yourself,” I say eventually. “You don’t resemble any Frost Giants I’ve met before. Oh, and please stop calling my ‘my liege’.” I’ll never grow used to hearing it.

“As you wish.” 

But Leify seems conflicted and I wonder why. “What’s wrong?”

“I do not think it is necessary to waste your time with my personal story. Would it not be better if I informed you of our people’s needs and the state our world is in?”

It’s rather obvious that he doesn’t want to share his personal story and I’m not the only one who picked up on that. The looks Sleipnir and Thor give me tell me they realized the same thing. “I insist you tell us your personal story first. It’s one of my conditions where this negotiation is concerned.” I just made that up, but no one needs to know that.

“If that is the case, you leave me no choice.”

Leify seems distressed and I want to know why; my curiosity is killing me and not even Thor resting his hand on mine in an effort to calm me can stop me from finding out. “What happened?”

Leify sighs, sips his wine, and then places the glass aside. “I reckon I should start with where it all began; with the prophecy.”

“What prophecy?” I know I’m terrible at hiding my excitement, but I don’t care. At the moment, all I care about is learning more of my history and kin! Leify’s expression is grim and sad at the same time and I can tell that he finds it difficult to share his tale. 

“Our grandmother told me what happened, as I did not witness any of it myself. I can assure you though that she would not lie.” 

Leify looks like he would prefer to run away, but he stays and continues his story. I’m glad he does, because I want to hear it all. And a grandmother? I have a grandmother? I can’t help but wonder if she’s still alive!

Loki, you shall find out, if you let him continue, Thor chides me gently. I know that, but I find it hard to remain quiet!

“It started twenty years before you were born. An old woman came to our court. She was not a Frost Giant, but back then, hospitality was still offered to every traveler. Laufey had just ascended to the throne and did not have the time to corrupt his followers yet. Life in Jotunheim was still rather peaceful at that time.”

“An old woman? And she wasn’t a Frost Giant?” I don’t know why, but hearing this alarms me.

“Aye, we offered her a seat at the King’s table, and she accepted - said she would pay for her meal by telling us a story. You might not believe this, but Frost Giants are extremely curious by nature.”

Damn, I feel caught. Curiosity is one of my worst vices. “Continue.” I refuse to comment on the rest. Thor however grins broadly at me- I manage to ignore him though.

“She spoke of a prophecy – that a child would be born to our King, and that this child would possess special powers. The boy was destined to be King and not just of Jotunheim.”

“Can it be that she was talking about you?” Thor asks, rather taken with the story.

“Does it matter?” Why did he have to interrupt Leify’s tale? “Go on!”

“Laufey disliked hearing this. He had just been named King and had no desire to make way for his son. So when the day of your birth came, he took you to the temple and left you there to die, hoping the deed would stop the future from taking shape in the present.”

“And that is where our father found you!” Thor exclaims, enthralled by the tale. 

“Aye,” Leify confirms. “Much later, we learned that Odin had taken you with him. What had happened divided our people. The old Frost Giants disapproved of Laufey’s actions and felt they were unworthy of a King. The younger ones supported Laufey and were glad you were gone. The rift continued to grow throughout the ages. Laufey reacted by locking away all the female Giants beneath a lake of ice, hoping to control his people that way and it worked. But he forgot that without any females, there cannot be any newborns.”

I must confess that this tale surprises me; I never expected to hear anything like it.

“Eventually even Laufey realized he was growing old and that he needed an heir. So he released our mother from his spell and forced her to give birth to another child, me. Laufey was a hard King to please and I never thought of him as my father. He never showed me any love or even affection. I grew up, believing I was heir to the throne and that I would rule Jotunheim one day. I was trained and groomed for that one purpose. Laufey grew enraged when he finally realized who you were. He wanted you dead, but he never excelled at scheming—not really.”

I shrug. When I offered Laufey the chance to murder Odin, he took it. Laufey could have opted for killing me instead, but he went for Odin in the end. Who knows, maybe I was next on his list!

“In the meantime, I uncovered much of the truth. I learned of the prophecy and what Laufey had done to you. Then, I realized who the real heir of the throne was and I was relieved. I never wanted to rule Jotunheim and certainly not in the violent way my father preferred. I confronted Laufey with what I had learned and demanded he reinstated you as his heir. He refused and grew enraged.” 

Leify grows quiet and the distant expression in his eyes tells me he’s not really here with us. To a certain extent I can relay to him – I vividly recall the day I realized Thor was going to rule Asgard. I remember sabotaging his coronation by showing the Frost Giants a way in to Asgard.

“Magic runs strongly in our family; it is in our blood,” Leify continues and looks me in the eye. “Laufey’s magic was strong; I have never heard of any of his spells being undone by another magician.”

“He cursed you,” I add, realizing what Laufey must have done. “He cursed you.”

“Aye, he did,” Leify admits in a sad voice. “He said I was unworthy of being a Frost Giant and that I should spend the rest of my miserable life in another form. He stripped me of my powers as a Frost Giant. This is no disguise, my liege, this is who I am today. Laufey bound me in this shape. I shiver when I am exposed to the cold. I lack the power of a Frost Giant and I can no longer manipulate the weather like a Frost Giant can. My mind is still mine, but this body is foreign to me.”

I hadn’t thought it possible, but I feel sorry for him. It’s obvious that he never wanted to live his life this way. “I’m sorry,” I offer softly.

“This curse can never be undone, my liege, not even by you. Throughout the years I have come to terms with leading this life, but I doubt I will ever fully accept it.” A tear leaves Leify’s eyes and he quickly wipes it away. “When Laufey died and you ascended to the throne, our world grew hopeful. We hoped you would be a better ruler than Laufey. We hoped that you would come to Jotunheim and claim your birthright, but you did not and then disaster struck.”

Ah, this is the part I’m not looking forward to because I’m responsible for Jotunheim being wrecked in such a way. 

“We do not know what happened, but destruction descended onto our world. Buildings, mountains, ruins, everything was blown to pieces. The ice shattered, killing a large number of Frost Giants in the process. When the storm ended, our world was ruined. Jotunheim was beautiful once; I know that because our grandmother told me, and now, it is a living hell.”

When I opened the Bifrost and made sure it stayed opened, I never considered the consequences. I just wanted Jotunheim annihilated!

“You possess the Heart of Ice, my liege. By using it, you can set our world to rights.”

“Heart of Ice?” What’s Leify talking about? I exchange a look with Thor in order to find out if he knows what Leify is talking about.

“Are you referring to Laufey’s box?” Thor asks.

Ah yes, Laufey’s box. I always felt drawn to it and I used it when guiding Laufey into Asgard.

“Aye, you call it that. To us, it holds the beginning of life as we know it – the holy Ice Crystal. Only you can wield it, my liege, and if you are willing you can save our world from destruction.”

“Loki, what happened to that box? You had it, if I remember correctly?”

I’m thankful that Thor didn’t say “you had it when we fought”. I did have it, but after it had served its purpose I returned it to the vault, where it should still be. I share that thought with Thor who nods approvingly. 

“Do you want me to fetch it?” Thor offers.

I quickly shake my head as I don’t trust myself around it. The power it radiates will easily corrupt anyone who wields it for too long. I felt those stirrings when I used it. “Not right now.” I turn my attention back to Leify. “So correct me if I’m wrong, but you’re basically asking me to take that box back to Jotunheim?” The risk of actually doing so is immense. What if the box falls into the wrong hands – mine, for example!

“Aye, you are right. You are the only one who can wield its power. You are the only one who can save Jotunheim from destruction. You are our last hope. That is why the High Council sent me here – to plead with you and to convince you to help us.”

If I’m their last hope they’re screwed. “Leify, I can’t give you an answer right now. I need to think about it and discuss it with Thor.” I will need his advise in this matter!

“As you wish, my liege. I will wait.”

“Didn’t I tell you to stop calling me that? My name is Loki, and if we’re truly brothers I won’t have you addressing me in any other way than by using my name.” I’m still working on the fact that we’re related!

“I will do my best, Loki.” 

When he speaks my name, his eyes start to swim again. I do hope he can keep back his tears. “I will give you my answer in the morning. In the meantime, rest.”

“I will find it hard to rest, but I will try. My heart worries for Jotunheim’s well-being.”

Leify would make a much better King than me, but the only way for him to ascend to the throne is for Sleipnir and me to die and I don’t plan on dying any time soon!

~~~

Now that we’re alone again, I allow myself to rest. I sit down on the windowsill and watch the city’s activity. Asgard is alive with life, while Jotunheim is dying. One can call it poetic justice that Leify reminded me of my horrible deeds. I wanted to destroy Jotunheim and every living Frost Giant with it. Now it seems I might have succeeded after all.

“Loki?” 

Hearing Sleipnir’s voice surprises me as I assumed he had left with Leify. Looking about, I realize it’s Thor who left instead. Sneaky bastard – he knew I wasn’t ready yet to talk to him so he made sure Sleipnir stayed behind instead. Maybe I should start to give Thor more credit - apparently he has taken to using his brain lately. “Sleipnir, come sit with me.” He sits down opposite me and looks at me in a pondering way. “This concerns you too, as you’re my heir. You must believe me when I say that I didn’t want to involve you in any way.”

“Do not worry about that, but aye, I would like to talk to you about this situation.”

I nod in understanding. “We should discuss this. Apparently you’re my heir and therefore you’ll inherit Jotunheim’s throne one day. I’m sorry about that.”

Sleipnir blinks. “Why should you feel sorry about that? You did not choose your parents. You were born into this life without any choices, much like me you had to cope with the hand you were dealt.”

Sleipnir leans in closer and covers my right hand with his, gathering it in between his. “I’m still sorry,” I whisper softly. Sleipnir however, shakes his head in order to show that he doesn’t agree with my apology; he finds it unnecessary. 

“Loki, what will you do? You cannot turn your back on them and let them die. You cannot allow their lands to wither away. Not when you have the power to stop it.”

“Why are you so passionate about a race you fought all your life? Sleipnir, the Frost Giants, they’re aggressive and dumb and I can’t think of a single reason why I should save them!” 

“Loki, why do you hate them so much?”

That’s the main question, isn’t it? The only one I need to answer, but I’m not sure I can. Sleipnir moves even closer, slides his arms around my shoulders, and rests his brow against mine. I’m tempted to close my eyes as his expression is quite intense, but I force myself to maintain eye-contact. 

“Although, should the question not rather be, why do you hate yourself so much?”

I close my eyes after all, unable to withstand his probing look. “It’s a long story, Sleipnir.” 

“Mother…”

Hearing him address me in that manner makes me look at him again. I’m so damn proud of my son. I cup his cheek in the palm of my hand and smile at him. “You’re the living proof that I’m capable of good.”

“You are not evil.… You need to stop telling yourself that. You are a force of good now!”

“If only it were that easy.” I lower my head and averse my gaze. “It’s my fault that Jotunheim is dying. I forced the Bifrost to stay open so it would destroy the Frost Giants. I wanted to eradicate them, wanted them to cease existing!”

“You are no longer that person. You have changed. You need to forgive yourself for what you did back then. Thor forgave you, Odin did, and I did too, but Loki, you need to forgive yourself as well!”

“I can’t. It’s not that easy.”

“Then make amends, Loki.”

Sleipnir rests his hands on either side of my head and forces me to look at him. I don’t want him to look at me. I don’t want him to see my shame – my guilt.

“Make amends, mother. Go to Jotunheim and do whatever it takes to save their world. You are their King. You heard Leify. You are the only one who can save them. This is your chance to make amends! Don not shrink away from that responsibility! Rise above it, and if you do not wish to rule Jotunheim, name me your representative and I will act for their well-being.”

Sleipnir’s offer amazes me. “Why would you do that? Go into exile…” Because that’s what it appears like to me.

“Loki, during my entire life, Odin told me what to do. I fought at his side, I kept him safe. I always had to follow orders. I never thought I would get the chance to help one day; if I can make a difference in Jotunheim, I will gladly go there and help them survive.”

At times I can barely believe Sleipnir is my son. He’s my complete opposite. “I love you, my son.” Shyly, I kiss his brow and then pull him into a hug. “If saving Jotunheim means that much to you I’ll try my best restore their world. I can’t make any promises though – I don’t know if I’ll succeed.”

“But you will have tried – and that is what matters, Loki.”

Sleipnir has become my conscience and for that I’m grateful. “What would I do without you?” I need Sleipnir in my life like I need Thor. I can’t live without either one.

“Do not think about that. You have me.. I am here and I do not plan on leaving you – ever.”

Instead of answering Sleipnir verbally, I pull him against my chest and hug him close. I can’t recall a time when I felt so thankful in my life, but these days, I have many things to be grateful for.

~~~

That morning, I make the decision to go to Leify in order to talk to him, instead of summoning him to my rooms. If I’m going to help, I’ll do so on my terms.

“I am proud of you; I knew that you would make the right decision.”

Thor caught me before I could sneak out of the door and now holds me close. The look he gives me speaks of love and trust, and is almost too much to bear. I still feel like I don’t deserve his devotion. “Don’t get your hopes up. I’m not sure I can actually make a difference.”

“But you will try,” Thor says proudly. 

He kisses me goodbye and I move away from him. If I get lost in kissing him it might be a long time before I can tear myself away from my lover. “Take good care of Cariad,” I tell him on my way out. Thor nods, and Cariad, seated against Thor’s hip, chuckles happily. 

The royal guards bow and open several doors for me. I told them to stop doing that, but they refuse to obey me, saying it is their duty, and an honor to do so. I signal the guard at Leify’s door not to open it yet. I want to pay Leify due respect and knock.

“Please enter.”

How odd, a second voice joins Leify’s. Does he have company? Opening the door, I should be surprised to see Sleipnir already present, but I’m not. Sleipnir has shown great interest in this matter and I can’t blame him for wanting to talk to Leify.

“Good morning,” Leify says and inclines his head in respect. “I did not know you would visit so early. I had expected to be summoned to your rooms instead.”

“Morning, mother,” Sleipnir says and gives me a wink. 

Don’t mother me, son! We’ll have a little talk later as I want to know why you’re in Leify’s rooms at such an early hour! 

“Did you reach a decision, my liege?”

I raise an eyebrow and wait for Leify to correct his mistake.

“I am sorry, Loki. Laufey did not take it well when I forget to address him properly.” Leify avoids my gaze and looks at a blank spot to his right.

Do I want to know what Laufey did in order to make Leify obedient? Maybe one day, but not right now. I notice the hopeful look Sleipnir gives me and know I can’t disappoint my son. “Yes, I did; I’ll accompany you to Jotunheim to see if I can help. I won’t make any promises though as I’ve never tried to heal a world before. I’m only good at destroying them!”

“Thank you, my... Loki!” 

Leify’s looks like he’s about to embrace me, but that’s something I won’t allow. I don’t know him well enough yet – brother or no brother. “As I said, I’ll try, but don’t expect too much.” Sleipnir makes his way over to me, wraps an arm around me, and hugs me briefly.

“I knew you would not let us down!”

Us? What’s this about? Why is Sleipnir talking about ‘us’? Did he befriend Leify already? Does he consider himself part Frost Giant? But why would he? But then again, Sleipnir is a wondrous creature. “We’ll leave within the hour.” Now that I have made up my mind I don’t want to stall. I had better get this over with!

“I will be ready,” Sleipnir whispers into my ear.

He managed to surprise me again. “You want to come along?”

“I belong to the royal family of Jotunheim and apparently I shall rule that world one day. I should get to know my home, do you not agree?”

When he phrases it like that, I can’t find anything wrong with it, though I wonder if my son has some kind of hidden agenda!

~~~

“I think you should take Sleipnir with you instead of me.”

My eyes widen and I spin around at hearing Thor’s words. I stare at him in utter disbelief. “You can’t be serious!” It never crossed my mind to leave Thor behind!

“I am serious, Loki. This is a personal matter. This is something you need to do in order to convince yourself that you are a changed person. And honestly? You do not need me to accompany you. You are perfectly capable of dealing with the matter yourself.”

I cock my head, study Thor closely, and try to stop the rage from building further inside me. “You’d desert me?”

“Nay! Never!” Thor shakes his head and advances on me. But Loki, please understand. You have been given an opportunity to show who you are – who you have become. I do not want to stand in your way. I have the utmost faith in you! 

Why can’t you be honest and simply admit that you don’t want to support me in this matter? I can’t help feeling betrayed. I had counted on Thor to support me through this. My stay in Jotunheim will be hard on me and I need him at my side!

I will always be at your side, Loki. I am only a thought away. The moment you call for me, I will join you in Jotunheim. This is not about me not wanting to support you. I vowed to support and love you every day of my life and I do not plan on forsaking my promise to you. But Loki, you need to see for yourself that you are so much stronger than you think. I truly believe that you need to do this by yourself. I cannot be your crutch; I do not want to serve in that capacity any longer – especially when you do not need me. You are so much stronger than you think. You are so much smarter. Loki, what would I be without you? Utterly lost! I need you to understand that!

That’s a lot of nonsense and you know it! I walk away from him, cross my arms in front of my chest, and am determined to ignore him from now on. How can he possibly think I can do without his help?

“Loki, I did not mean to offend you although I feared you would react this way.”

Thor places his hands on my hips and turns me around until I’m facing him. I refuse to look him in the eye though as I still feel betrayed!

“Loki, I will accompany you to Jotunheim if that is what you want, but I think it will be a mistake to do so. First because *you* are their King, not I. Furthermore, you need to decide what to do with Jotunheim. You must decide about their future. I can advise you, but the decision will eventually be yours.”

In my heart, I know Thor’s right. I can’t use him as a crutch much longer. I’ve been doing so for the last year. Although my self-confidence has grown, I still hate myself for being a Frost Giant. Thor is right to make me face those feelings, but I find it hard to agree to it. 

“I know that this is difficult for you,” Thor continues as he caresses my face. “But you can do this, Loki. I wish you would understand just how much you have changed. You no longer need to stand in my shadow –you shine brilliantly on your own.”

“Brilliantly?” I must react to that. Thor knows me well and is aware it’ll push my buttons. “I shine?”

“Radiantly,” Thor confirms and kisses my lips. “If only you could see that too.”

“I’m not sure I ever will.” I can’t repress a sigh and lean heavily against him. “I’ll do as you ask. I’ll take Sleipnir along on this visit. But promise me this…” Thor gives me a knowing look – already aware of what I’ll ask of him.

“Aye, I will join you the moment you need me. I will never let you down.”

I wish I had Thor’s faith in me; I don’t think that will ever happen though!

~~~

“We will not be returning through means of the Bifrost?” Leify gives me a puzzled look.

“I prefer to travel in a different way.” The truth is, I try to avoid travelling using the Bifrost, as it always reminds me of the mistakes I made. “We’ll travel using the paths between the worlds. Don’t worry, it’s actually safer than traveling by the Bifrost.” I look at our small party; Leify, Sleipnir, and I will travel to Jotunheim – just the three of us. Odin asked me to take along an escort as the Royal Guards seem concerned about my well-being, but I declined their offer. I’m perfectly capable of defending myself and Sleipnir if necessary.

“You are not taking the Heart of Ice with you?” Leify sounds concerned speaking those words.

“Not yet.” I need to establish the Frost Giants’ true motives first and I refuse to deliver such a powerful weapon into their hands. “Fetching it will only take seconds,” I assure Leify, who looks desponded. 

“Are you certain you do not want us to accompany you? I would feel safer if you did.” 

Fandral’s words make me smile, as they remind me of a time when he couldn’t have cared less about my well-being. Maybe Thor is right and I need to accept the changes I’m going through. “I’m certain, my friend. I’ll call for you, should the need arise.”

“Do not hesitant to contact us,” Sif says resolutely. “You attract trouble, Loki, and do you not dare to deny it!”

I’m not sure I like Sif being so protective of me, but I reckon I can’t blame her. Not after what we went through together during my pregnancy. “I promise I won’t hesitate,” I tell her with a smile, hoping it will settle her nerves. 

“You will do well,” Thor says as he walks up to me and grabs my hand. “You will restore Jotunheim to its former splendor. I have faith in you.”

I know you do, I tell him telepathically. “I should go now.” Or else I might reconsider.

“Take care,” Thor says and embraces me tightly. “And return to me quickly.”

“Of course. Look after Cariad for me.” And while directing my gaze at the four warriors standing close, I add, “And I trust you will look after Thor for me.”

“We will, my King,” Hogun says in a respectful tone.

I never managed to figure him out and I let it go, as I have more important matters to focus on. I raise my hand in goodbye and then concentrate on opening and finding the gateway that will take us to Jotunheim. I do hope I made the right decision by accepting Leify’s invitation. If it’s a trap, they will find just how pissed off I can be!

~~~

Feeling shocked, I stare at the waste land that surrounds us. When I visited Jotunheim the last time, it was already a dark and gloomy place, but now it also breathes an air of despair. Buildings, which were still standing back then, have crumbled, and the earth has opened, revealing large craters. I reckon that is where the beam of the Bifrost struck with all its vengeance. 

“Welcome to your realm, my King, though I must admit it has become a dreadful place.” Leify sighs deeply and tears appear in his eyes. “Only a few dozens of Frost Giants are still alive, but even those are fading, dying slowly.”

I might have underestimated the severity of the situation; I had no idea Jotunheim was this close to the brink of destruction. Surprised, I notice the stirrings of remorse that rise from the pit of my stomach. I had no right to murder this world. 

“This way, my liege. The remaining Frost Giants eagerly await your return. Our grandmother is also eager to meet you and I do hope she survived this long. She felt weakened when I left.”

While Leify heads the way, Sleipnir falls into step next to me. He reaches for my hand and I wrap my fingers around his in turn. 

“I did not know it was this bad,” Sleipnir whispers in an emotional voice. “Mother, this place is dying!”

I can’t deny the truth to that observation. Sleipnir is right; Jotunheim is dying. “We’ll do what we can to help.”

“This way,” Leify says and signals for us to turn right.

I remember this place… I have been here before. When Thor took off to challenge Laufey, this is where we met the Frost Giant. This is the spot where we fought. The hair at the back of my neck stands rigid, warning me that we have got company. From the shadows, Frost Giants step forward, but they don’t resemble the creatures I encountered back then. Their skin color has darkened further and has turned black. Their eyes are no longer red, but turned into a swirling grey. They tremble and stumble forward, finding it hard to walk in a straight line.

“As I said earlier, they are dying.” 

Leify’s expression speaks of utter despair and I can’t blame him. His race is dying. The fact that Laufey cursed him and that he’s no longer a Frost Giant saves him from withering away, but it can’t be easy to watch your kin die. Suddenly, the Frost Giants, or what is left of them, go down on one knee and incline their heads toward me.

“Hail Loki, King of Jotunheim.”

Even with their voices combined they sound immensely weakened, and to my utter surprise, I feel choked up. I find it hard to breathe and realize just how much this affects me. I hadn’t expected to feel this way.

“Loki, you returned to us.”

The voice is that of a female, and when I focus my attention on her, I see a Frost Giant who’s about to crumble in front of me. She’s small and long, white hair covers most of her body. Her eyes are blue and her lips tremble, as if forming words, which they can no longer pronounce. My heart goes out to her and I curse Thor for making me so weak hearted. It’s only because of Thor that I’m capable of experiencing pity in this way.

“Loki, you are the son of my son and I welcome you to Jotunheim. Now that you have finally returned all will be well.”

I don’t agree with the faith she has in me, but I can’t rob her of that illusion. “You must be my grandmother.”

“I am Lokasenna , your grandmother.”

She tries to kneel as well, and acting impulsively, I move forward in order to stop her. “Please don’t. It’s not necessary.” The moment I touch her, a strange shock moves through me and I can no longer deny we’re related. I feel her in my mind. 

“Have you come to help us? Did you bring the Ice Crystal with you?” Lokasenna asks in strangled voice.

I might not have a choice and will have to return to Asgard in order to fetch it seeing the state the Frost Giants are in. “How will it help restore Jotunheim?”

“The Ice Crystal came into existence millennia ago. It is the heart of a dying star and by using it, you can release its power. You can shape Jotunheim all over again and can restore it to its original state. Our world will change, but for the better. You will free my sisters, who have slept beneath the ice for too long. Together, we can give new life to our race.”

“How am I supposed to do that? I have no idea what Jotunheim originally looked like!” This is madness. She’s asking me to orchestrate the rebirth of a world!

“Trust yourself, Loki. Those memories are deeply embedded within your mind. The moment you connect with the Ice Crystal, it will recognize you.”

I’m not sure I like the sound of this, but looking at this dying world I know I might not have a choice. “If I do this…”

“You are our King, Loki. Eventually it is your decision whether we live or die.” Leify steps forward and supports our grandmother as well. “We are not trying to trick you, brother.”

It’s the first time ever he calls me that and it awakens a strange feeling inside me. Why must everything be so damn complicated?

“No tricks, brother,” Leify continues. “Assembled here are the last remaining Frost Giants. We have been reduced to this. The others died in the storm last year. We hardly pose a threat to anyone and we merely wish to live out our lives in a dignified way.”

Probing his mind, I find his words true. This is all what is left of their people – my people? Sleipnir appears next to me and looks at me. I don’t need to touch his mind in order to know what he’s thinking. Even my son wants me to do this. 

“Should you decide against restoring our world, Loki, then have pity on us and end our lives. We do not wish to wither away like this as we have seen too many relatives die,” Lokasenna ‘s voice shatters while speaking that last word.

It’s up to me then – just like Thor had said. I need to make a decision and I need to listen to my heart in order to reach the right decision. Can I truly damn them to this wretched existence? Can I kill them? Or do I restore their world to them? 

You know what to do, Loki. Do it, there is no need to hesitate. 

Thor’s words flow in my mind and I know he’s right. I know what I need to do. “Wait for me here. I’ll be right back.” Fetching that box will only take seconds.

“Thank you, brother,” Leify says and more tears appear in his eyes.

I wish he would stop crying and now Lokasenna is shedding tears as well. I quickly ready myself to travel the astral pathways again and to return home to Asgard. Appearing in the vault, I’m not surprised to find Thor there.

“You reached the right decision, Loki. It is the only decision you could make. You are no murderer. You could never condemn them to death.”

Why must Thor always know best? “I’ll heal Jotunheim and then I’ll come home. have no desire to stay there!”

“You cannot know that yet. I talked to Odin and he told me about Jotunheim’s original splendor. The world you see today has nothing in common with the way it was so long ago. You might even like it there.”

“I highly doubt it.” I reach for the box, which comes to life beneath my touch. The blue light illuminating it from the inside instantly grows stronger. 

“I will see you soon,” Thor says and then takes a step away from me. “Now stop stalling and fulfill your destiny.”

I’m already on my way back to Jotunheim before he finishes speaking those words. 

~~~

Darkness wraps itself around me like a suffocating blanket upon my return to Jotunheim. The scene in front of me hasn’t changed. Leify still supports our grandmother and the remaining Frost Giants are still kneeling. Sleipnir hurries over to me and glances at the box in my hands.

“You brought the Ice Crystal with you,” Lokasenna whispers in a fatigued voice. “That is good.” She closes her eyes and crumbles in front of me. Sleipnir moves toward her, and together, Leify and my son lower her onto the craterlike ground.

“What do I do with it?” Looking at the damn box, I feel its pull and I fight it as hard as I can. 

“Leify, you know what to do. I am too weak,” Lokasenna says right before closing her eyes.

“Will you stay with her?” Leify asks of Sleipnir, who instantly nods. 

Leify then gets to his feet, walks toward me, and comes to a halt in front of me. “I need you to close your eyes, brother.”

I’m not sure I can do that. I need to see what’s happening around me.

“You can trust me. I know that this is difficult on you, but I would never betray or hurt you. You are my brother, Loki, and all my life I have hoped that this day would come.”

Leify sounds sincere, but then again, he might be a master manipulator. In the end, I go against better judgment and close my eyes. “Now what?”

“I want you to remember who you are, Loki. I want you to feel the magic that flows through your veins. You need to remember its origin. This world was forged out of fire and ice. We need both in order to restore it. Your fire, your ice… You command both.”

I did always wonder why a Frost Giant like me felt drawn towards fire. It’s my favored element and Leify is right – it’s at my command. Involuntarily I lose myself while listening to Leify’s voice, which has taken on a hypnotic stance.

“I need you to remember our world the way it once was, before our father corrupted it. Search deep within yourself and you will find the memories you are looking for. All Frost Giants posses this knowledge and so do you.”

I hate admitting it, but Leify’s right. I’m starting to see Jotunheim the way it once was. This wasn’t a dark world when it was born. Four golden suns illuminated the skies and warmed the earth beneath the snow. Ice covered the lakes, but it was only a thin layer, enabling the snow fish and ice sharks to punch through it in order to draw in air.

“You see it! You remember…”

Leify’s right. Jotunheim’s changing; the golden glow of the suns warm my face and a light breeze moves my hair about, teasing it and luring it into motion. The ice turns into thinly powered snow and blankets the earth, warming it further. All kinds of animals appear, leaving the shelter of the snow covered forests to frolic in the warm sunlight. Buildings made from ice-like glass rise around me and their peaks reach for the heavens, which have turned azure. 

“Loki!” This time it’s Lokasenna addressing me and not Leify. “This is the world I have grown up in, please do not stop now. Bring back my sisters, please.”

The magic I’m wielding reacts to her words and catapults my mind toward a sea at the other end of the land. The water is still thickly frozen and I fight hard to strengthen the suns’ rays. When I finally succeed in doing so, the ice melts, revealing a hundred frozen faces beneath the surface. 

“My sisters! Rejoice, for Laufey’s spell has been broken!” Lokasenna calls out to them and I can’t help strengthening her. I’m no longer in charge of the Ice Crystal and that frightens me, but at the same time, it wraps me up in a warm sense of belonging which causes me to cease my resistance.

When the female Frost Giants arise from the water, their appearance stuns me. Their skin isn’t blue and their eyes aren’t red. They don’t radiate the hostility I have seen in the past. Their skin is as white as snow and their eye color resembles the ice I shattered on top of the lake only moments ago. Their long, silver hair descends down their backs and they’re smiling – happy to be released from their sleep. 

Too late I realize that the Ice Crystal draws on my strength as well, and I’m growing weaker. I want to fling the accursed thing far away from me, but I can’t seem to release it. On the verge of panicking, I open my eyes and look at my hands, knowing they will have turned blue, revealing my true heritage. But when I look at them, they’re white. 

“Loki, you did well, brother!”

Leify’s voice draws me from my trance and I fall to my knees. Hands quickly support me and I manage to stay upright. 

“Thank you. Thank you, brother!”

Raising my head tires me, but I need to look at Leify. When I do, I realize he isn’t alone. A large group of Frost Giants has joined him. I blink, trying to rid myself of any spell I might still be under, but their appearance remains unchanged. Where Leify looked out of place once, he now fits in perfectly, as the other Frost Giants look like him. Even Lokasenna has changed; I recognize her mind though when she kneels in front of me. She is young again – how odd.

“You enabled our rebirth. Thank you, Loki.”

She takes the box from my hands and I’m stunned to find I can actually release it. She sets it aside and rubs my fingers between hers. “Thank you for facing your fears.”

I find it hard to focus though; wielding the power of the Ice Crystal drained me.

“The Ice Crystal,” she mumbles and then looks away from the box and towards me. “Only one who opens his heart can truly wield it. The Ice Crystal is merely the catalyst and without a noble soul to guide it, it is blind and your heart has proven to be true. Rest now, you deserve it.”

I can no longer keep my eyes open – neither will I be able to stay awake much longer. But before I give into exhaustion, I send out the call; I need Thor at my side and I need him now!

~~~

When I wake up again, I still feel drained. Moving about hurts, so I lie still instead. Reaching out with my mind, I feel relieved at sensing Sleipnir’s and even more importantly, Thor’s presence. They’re here with me – I’m not alone!

“Of course I am here. I would never desert you, Loki.”

Hearing Thor’s voice makes me feel relieved and safe. I try again and succeed in opening my eyes. Thor’s to my right and caresses my hair. I’m so glad you’re here.

This time you surpassed yourself, Loki.”

I’m not sure I like the sound of that. What did I do? 

“You should see for yourself. Let me show you.”

Thor gently pulls me upright and I lean against him, wondering what he’s referring to. Then I see it. We’re not in Asgard, I know that much, but everything looks so magnificent – so pure, so white? 

“Apparently this is the way Jotunheim looked in the beginning of time. Your grandmother told me, just look out of the window.”

Using the little strength I have left, I manage to raise my head and look out of the window. The world that greets me on the outside is white, but the golden glow to it warms my heart. Bright red birds soar through the blue skies and leave behind burning tracks.

“This is an amazing world, Loki!”

Drawing my gaze away from the outside, I study the room I’m in. Made from transparent ice, it reflects not merely Thor’s appearance, but mine as well. I blink, feeling rather stunned. My appearance has changed as well; my hair’s white, my eyes blue, and my skin possesses the same golden snow-like quality I see when looking at the lands. What happened to me? 

“Is that not obvious, child?”

Lokasenna approaches the bed I’m resting on. I can’t believe the sight I’m seeing. She looks like a young girl and ice crystals are woven into her long white hair. The blue dress she wears adds to her glow, and when she sits on the bed next to me, the thing that strikes me the most is the warmth in her eyes. 

“You changed Jotunheim. You allowed for it to be reborn and since you rule these lands, since you are King here, you had to be reborn with it.”

I have been reborn? That might explain my changed appearance. I’m not quite sure I approve of my new look though!

“It suits you; I like you this way.”

Thor knows exactly what to say – again. Thank you, but I might prefer my normal looks instead.

“You cannot change your appearance while you dwell here, child,” Lokasenna says. “Your heart has become entangled with this world. You cannot hide here and it is not necessary for you to hide. You saved us! Every Frost Giant speaks and thinks of you with the highest respect.”

A look at Sleipnir tells me that my firstborn hasn’t been affected by the spell and I look questioningly at Lokasenna who seems to hold most answers. 

“Your firstborn is not our King yet. The day your son ascends to the throne, the land will claim and bond with him.”

“May I enter?” Leify appears in the doorway, but looks rather apprehensive. “I do not wish to intrude.”

“You are a part of this family,” Lokasenna says. “You have every right to be here.”

I don’t protest her decision as I believe she is right. It also leads me to believe that I have found someone I would entrust Jotunheim to should Sleipnir reconsider. Lokasenna is old and wise enough not to repeat the mistakes Laufey made. Leify approaches, but timidly. I can’t help but notice how perfectly he fits in now. When Laufey cast that spell, he unknowingly transformed you back to the way you were supposed to be. Leify gives me a stunned look at me casting those words into his mind, but then he nods. Isn’t it ironic that all is well now? How can that be? My gift is for death and destruction – not for restoring life.

“I knew you would surprise yourself,” Thor says in that smug way of his. Tell me, are you ready to believe that you are a force for good now? Can you forgive yourself for what you did in the past? Do you understand that you are a different person today?

You might be right. It’s hard to think differently, considering I just restored life to Jotunheim. Surrounded by my new family, I realize Thor is right after all. I *am* capable of good and should forgive myself for my mistakes. I’ll work on it, I promise him. I might need some time getting there, but something tells me I will.

***

Epilogue

“Admit it, Loki, you have come to like Jotunheim.”

I chuckle at hearing Sleipnir’s brilliant observation. Turning around I ask, “What gave me away?”

“I cannot recall ever having seen you smile that much – especially considering Thor went back to Asgard some days ago. And yet, you remain happy.”

Sleipnir is right of course – I’m falling in love with Jotunheim, something I thought would never happen. But then again, this world differs greatly from the one I knew in the past. The serene silence, the beauty of the snow and the ice that surrounds us possesses a special calming effect. When I wake up in the morning, it’s because snowbirds are chasing the firebirds along the balcony, and sometimes, they even invade my rooms, chirping and screaming out their joy at being alive again. “I can’t deny that I like Jotunheim.”

“So do I. In some ways it reminds me of Asgard, but there is a purity about the snow that I never encountered before.”

“Is your mind still set, my son? Do you really want to remain here and rule in my stead?” Lokasenna assured me that the Frost Giants would welcome Sleipnir’s rule, as he is my heir. And as Lokasenna herself said that she would keep on an eye on Sleipnir, I’m inclined to allow my son to stay. 

“My mind is set. I want to know more about the Frost Giants and their world – our world – it is breathtaking. Each day spent here is a blessing.”

I find myself agreeing to his statement. Although I long to return to Asgard and my family, I’ll also miss Jotunheim. Knowing Thor though, I reckon we’ll visit Sleipnir shortly. “In that case, I wish you the best of luck ruling this realm.”

“May I enter or am I interrupting?” Lokasenna remains near the doorway and waits for an answer.

“Please, grandmother, feel free to join us.” I wonder about my family; Lokasenna resembles a young maiden, and yet she is much older than me!

“Thank you, my son.” Lokasenna walks up to us. “Leify told me that you wanted to talk to me?”

“For two reasons, yes. Sleipnir has made up his mind and will stay in my stead. As my heir he’ll rule Jotunheim. I trust that won’t cause any problems?”

Lokasenna smiles warmly. “I already discussed the matter with our people and all Frost Giants will welcome him as our ruler. Your firstborn will act in your stead, and all will obey him and pay him respect.”

Good, now that is out of the way I want to ask her something else – something more personal. “I want to ask you something about that old woman who visited Jotunheim and prophesized my birth. Did you meet her?”

“Aye, my son. I sat to her right that night.”

“Good, can you describe her to me?” I do hope I’m wrong about this, but I need to make sure!

“We did not have many visitors in those days, so I remember her quite vividly. She was of my height, and I am small for a Frost Giant. As you have noticed, that is a family trait mark. She had green eyes and a rather intense expression. Her hair was long – black mostly, but there was also some red in it. At first I thought it was blood, but it was just her hair color. She wore red robes and a black cloak. Her voice was bewitching, especially when she sang – most Frost Giants present that evening fell asleep listening to it, except for Laufey and I… We listened to her song, and although we could not understand the words, the song moved us.”

I would really hate being proven right in this matter, but I’m afraid I know where this headed. “Did she tell you her name?” Do I really want to know the answer? Do I really want to know about her illicit scheming? And knowing she manipulated me right from the start? 

“Aye, she told me, but only me, as she did not want my father to know. She did not trust Laufey. She was very wise.”

“Her name, please…” I need it! I need to know the truth.

“She called herself the Morrighan. She said that she was a traveler between worlds.”

Sleipnir gives me an alert look at hearing that name, but I merely release a deep sigh, as I had been expecting to hear it. So she was already weaving her web back then. Had she not fed that prophecy to Laufey, I wouldn’t have been left to die in that temple. Odin wouldn’t have found me and I would never have met Thor – at least not in that way. We would have been bitter enemies to the end. Instead, I ended up being Thor’s mate and sharing Asgard’s throne. I should probably feel grateful, but at the moment I’m too dazed to truly understand my feelings.

At exactly that moment a raven flies into my bedroom. It settles down on one of the posts of the bed and taps against the ice with its beak. “Nuada…” The raven croaks a greeting in turn and looks at me with his beady eyes. She’s still watching me then – Fay’s still around. Against all odds, that thought helps me calm down. Maybe having her on my side isn’t that bad at all. After all, my life changed for the better ever since I met her. I forgive you your scheming, I send my thoughts out into the realms, knowing she’ll hear them. I’m not quite sure though if she’ll answer me.

Well, thank you, my dear, especially considering the fact that I played a major role in getting you where you are today – King of Asgard and King of Jotunheim, mother to Cariad and Thor’s lover. I’m entitled to a little gratitude, am I not?

I can’t help myself and grin. Yes, I reckon she’s right. Thank you, and now stop meddling with my life!

I can’t promise you that, Loki, but I’ll try to behave as long as you don’t get yourself into trouble again!

Oh, trust me, I’ll stay far away from trouble. I have too much to live for these days – Cariad, Thor, Sleipnir, and now I can add Lokasenna and Leify to that list as well. Yes, I have a lot to feel thankful for.

The end


End file.
